i was going to call but it's kind of late... so i figured i'd not wake you, i know you've been tired lately. i could never do what you do, but then maybe you couldn't do what i do. who knows? i've been thinking about how everchanging everyone is. i've noticed i've picked up a lot of habits from the kids. for example, in a recent conversation about rocky horror, rather than just confirming that i liked the movie, i exclaimed, "i loooove rocky horror!!" in true mary style.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6WW6AFu1RF0

lewis black is awesome... thought i'd share

anyway, I think the people I came out to are more comfortable with me being gay than I am. I guess I'll get used to it as I go on, and I think being out will help. the group I met from the GLBTA meeting that I went to is going to a queer bar tonight, so I think I"m going to join them. we shall see...

I'm very relieved to say, that all three of my suitemates from last semester took my letters to them saying i'm gay very well. Yay! their responses ranged from 'if you ever need someone to talk to, i'm here" (which made me cry) to "dude, listen, gay is cool, peace out cub scout" to "oh, silly we'll always love your little gay self" i'm very glad to be living in a very liberal state. the other benefit, aside from just having my suitemates know about my sexuality and accept it, is that one of them is like a broadcasting system for news, so my coming out is pretty much done for campus. by tomorrow, i'm pretty sure the rest of the student body, as well as everyone at work (we work together) will know.

ok, well, it's done. i just sent messages to my former suitemates telling them i'm gay. it was through myspace, which is cheap, i know, but they needed to know some way, and so far i haven't been able to get the words out on my own at all. so writing would be the next best way, and if it's going to be through myspace, then dammit, myspace it is. oh my god. i have no idea how they're going to react.

oh man, well, i had a good day, got a bunch done, relaxed for a while, and then planned on getting a bunch more done tonight. however, my mother just called in one of her needy moody rants about how now that my sister and i aren't here she has noone to comisterate with and nobody really cares about what she wants to do or how she needs to find hersel as an artist... i think a midlife crisis is just teen angst reborn. so after an hour or so of that i'm feeling quite drained.

i ended my last entry quite suddenly, since my sister had come into the bed room... i've been gone a while since, and for some reason i'm feeling a bit better since the last time i was on this site. i think it's a combination of being able to vent my feelings to everyone online and the chocolate bar that i just ate (chocolate always makes me happy). anyway, i'm still very frustrated because i'm having a lot of trouble trying to concieve an idea of what my future might actually be like being gay.

i haven't written in a really long time (as you may have guessed from the title) i've been working at a residential summer camp, where i could rarely get online, let alone get online to post at my little gay-site, which i doubt would've been welcome at camp. anyway, lots of things have been going on. for one, i had a major crush on one of the other counselors at camp, but more recently, something somewhat big happened today.

I haven't been on in a considerable amount of time since being at home it is hard to have a moment without someone looking over your shoulder. But everyone is away right now, so I figured I'd take the time to make an entry.

I still haven't come out to anyone. Not even my best friend. This is because I'm the biggest procrastinator/wuss. To be fair, it's also because we usually hang out with a group of people, and I don't intend on coming out to a crowd for the first time. She's my closest friend, and the most accepting, so I figure she should be the first to know. Last night, she and a group of our friends and I were fooling around on aim, and we were trying to tell some stupid thing she'd done to another one of our friends, but she hit the delete, so we were trying to stop her. So I was holding her hands, and she was leaning against me... we were both wearing tank tops, and her skin was so soft. and for a while there, we were just standing, leaning together. "for a while" meaning like, 4 or 5 seconds together, but anyways. Just made me think that I really wish I couldn have that feeling more often, and without feeling guilty for it. More motive to come out sooner I suppose.

i was reviewing pictures i'd done when i was younger, and i came across a booklet i made when i was in catholic school, in second grade, about the sacraments. i drew pictures for each, and not only did i think i was going to be a priest (women can't become priests in a catholic church), but the picture i drew for marriage had no guy, just the bride standing there. and i love that in second grade i drew in cleavage.

so i'm hoping my writing this doesn't wake my sister up. one, she'd be pissed because she has school in the morning, and two, she has no clue i'm gay. well, maybe a small clue at this point, but i'm certainly not out. to anyone. which is part of the reason i wanted to post again. i haven't in a while because it's hard to find a moment of peace in this house, and even when they do pop up my sister is usually somewhere close.

ok, quick post since i'm back home and a family member may at any time walk in the room to see what i'm writing. i don't know if any of you watch the daily show, but they did a segment on the beloved 'god hates fags' group. the daily show is awesome... but that aside...

aside from their usual showing up with signs at GLBT events and such, these people are now making appearances at soldiers' funerals, and they claim that god meant for the soldiers to die as punishment for america's tolerance of gayness (and often, it's just tolerance, if that, but anyway...).

One of the weird things about coming out to myself at 20 is that I've spent several years already with opinions about homosexuality... it's wierd coming to regard them as being about me personally. I used to be a bit homophobic (the whole denial thing) earlier in high school, but as I learned more about politics, I became way more liberal, and way more accepting of homosexuality, which began the slow process of me realizing and accepting that I myself am gay.

Ok, so I was wasting time on imdb (a great movie site) and I was reading about Kubrick's "the shining" and now I've got myself all freaked out again... and of course one of the few times it's actually quiet in this suite... oh well. I'm permantly afraid of Jack Nicholson (sp?) because of that movie. I can't even watch him in non-scary movies. It was brillant though, Kubrick is awesome... the whole redrum thing... anyways. Ok, trying to think of other non-scary things.

Studying is driving me crazy. And my meal plan has run out, so my food intake has been questionable, which probably isn't helping. I have the bag of chocolate my mom mailed for "survival" as she called it. And then I have peanut butter and whole grain crackers, and the occasional meal from the cafeteria when I get hungry enough to be willing to spend cash.

I went climbing last night, hoping that some good physical activity would help settle my mind, but I was so stressed from studying and hadn't really slept well the night before (due to the roommate), so I just kind of sucked. I'd get nervous half way up the wall, and was over thinking everything... it wasn't good. So hopefully I get some climbing in over the summer, that way I can build up my skill and be much more impressive (meaning, not sucking so much) when I get back. Or at least my nerves will be calmed, so that I can actually enjoy climbing again, even if I'm not so good.

i find that the more i think about my gayness, and the more i'm able to let the denial slip away, the better i feel in general. i think this site is a really good resource, just a place to post without having to worry what people will think. after having spent so long ignoring feelings, and even being in denial about being in denial (if that makes sense) it's very good to just sit and be comfortable with myself. gay gay gay. woo-hoo. i've been feeling much more emotional lately, but not in the usual panicky type way that i'm used to. more just actually feeling happy or sad, and for a specific, identifable reason, which is nice. i'm also starting to realize that i'm a fairly sensual person, as opposed to as detached as i thought i was. all new things, but finally getting used to it.