Long time no see oasis and its crew members.
No offense for the long bit off, guess I just found
my help elsewhere.
Anyway that's not the point.
I just wondered if there were any gays out there who
have gone through something like me.
first you find out your gay, then you question
and go through like all these sexual phases
before finally settling back on the original gay.
All the while keeping an open mind on things.
Does anyone really know?
Cause I thought I did. I thought life was
so muchabout finding that someone.
Life’s apparently left me confused.
I thought I knew where I was, I thought
I knew what I wanted. I thought I guess.
One day I was talking with this girl
like I've wanted to talk to a guy my age
for so long. And I got all these great
feelings just talking to her and about
things so precious, that I seem to never
I feel like I am exposing myself. I don’t like the feeling, I feel scared every time I think about everyone finding out about me here in this small town.
That freshman just has his way of toying with me. Ha, it seems every time I write here it’s about that freshman.
He sat at my table at lunch today, with a couple of his friends. I like to sit alone, but recently these two people I don’t like, cause there basically losers, have been sitting at my table.
I must admit that I am kinda at a loss here.
I always hope and maybe even expect (how terrible
is that) people to read my posts and entries.
I know that I cannot expect this. I guess I have
human faults. Anyways I consider this something
of a questionnaire.
I love it when anyone posts a comment about
anything that I've written. I truely love that
and thank everyone whose done so or even just
Ok so I'm doig my job listening to music in the background.
Disturb's "Down With The Sickness" screaming at all to hears ears.
The day is almost over and I'm getting kinda loose about
doing my job relentlessly.
So I'm putting things away and dancing like a big stupid ass and
making these stupid throaty noises, like a total gaywad, and then
in walks the manager!
You'd understand how embaressing it was if you knew what he looks like.
Christmas vacation was good for me.
It started with my friend staying over,
Which is in detail in my last entry, and climaxed (perhaps anticlimaxed) with me staying at a persons house who I shall refer to as “farm boy.
Well its been interesting, the start of my Christmas vacation that is.
My best friend stayed over the night. It started out rough. There was nothing to do. Neither of us had money. We would receive our checks the next day.
I found a little wad of paper tucked into my wallet that turned out to be a free rental for a local movie place. A little treasure to us. We rented that new football game Blitz League or something like that. I don’t know, I didn’t play it, I watched him play it.
I keep having these fantasies right? Not the sexual kind mind you.
The hopeful kind, about the future ya know?
There’s this freshman boy that I’ve mentioned in several previous entries.
Well I think he’s out of my league and all the goes on with someone being out
Of your league. Even if he’s gay. Which I just can’t believe he is.
Still though, I can’t help but like it when I talk with him, or when I see him,
The freshaman from previous entries worked with me today.
I was shocked, into a brief silence the instance I saw him
enter the working area.
He wasn't mean this time.
He worked well, and listened to me.
He did what I asked, and did it with respect.
Near the end of his work time he started playing.
I didn't mind though. A few smacks on the ass with a towl
was no big for me.
Or the time he undid my apron then redid it,
Wanting to say somethig is not the same as having something to say.
I'm finding that the odds of me finding anyone is slim.
I am so closeted in this small town.
No one knows. NO ONE.
If I just told someone, then things might change.
For better, or more figurably, for worse.
I feel content, I guess.
I don't know how I can though.
Since I'm basically living a double life.
The main part of it being the part that isn't me.
Well I don't know if any of you know about my boy troubles at work.
Coincidentally they all turned out to be fun and game for us, him at least.
At first the things he did to me I really liked, but I tired of them,
wondered why he was doing what he was, and jumped to conclusions about it.
The now comes.
I'm part of yearbook see. I'm doing the freshman mug shots for our book
and I'm also in charge of getting candids for our book.
Work so totally sucked today. Not because I was put with the cute freshman boy that I have the hots for, or because of the fact that he kept doing the hottest things, like pretending to jerk off and cum via a spatula with lots of frosting on it. Or the time where he put his hand on my chest gaily. Or even the fact that he kept hitting my ass over and over and over and over again with a rag. No not even the fact that he asked me personal sexual questions made it a bad work day.
Well things have been interesting. There have been several small little instances in which I have reveled and ma reveled. And maybe some in which I haven't. But I am going to focus only on the good ones, or at least the ones that I can remember! :S
It's all just so interesting and complicated this world of being gay and in the closet. The interacting with guys, and the interacting with guys that I've got crushes or the cutes for especially.
Well its been a while since I've last posted a journal entry on here and I understand if its not a regular thing for everyone to just automatically go "oh it's analytically inclined's newest journal entry, lets read it.: Those of you who are reading this I thank you much.
However seeing as I don't think many people will be reading this, correct me if I am wrong, I will admit that I am thankful for being able to post this here. Cause in reality, one doesn't always need agreement, or understanding from someone else to come to ones contended self. Sometimes all one has to do is vent, be it in many ways or few. Venting for me, includes journaling. So just typing these words is helping in some way, known of unknown.