whenever i dream, he's usually in it.
there was one with cannibals and laughter.
another with a clear lake and plastic boats.
so many and i'm always with you.

monday night, i wanted to die.
i sort of wish i had.
i stared at all the pills in my house and cried,
because i didn't want my last thought to be shrouded in pain.
i was afraid that it would also be an image of him.
so i cried and cried and cried and in the morning i couldn't see.
so i stayed home.
listened to Emily Haines & the Soft Skeleton and could feel my organs groaning to a halt.
They don't want to live anymore;

the only thing i want to do is crawl into bed with him and have his arms around me. not even kissing. not even sex. just falling asleep with the only person i truly love.

everything else irritates the fuck out of me. nothing is worth responding to.
not the weather, not teachers, not friends.

please, hold me.

soup.
it's 1:49 AM right now and i am not a bit tired.
i stayed up and couldn't fall asleep till 4 AM last night.
shits crazy.
but it can all be easily explained by the fact that i arrive home around 4:20PM, eat, check my mail, read something, maybe do my math homework- then crash into my bed. It's like a collision, I'm telling you.
I don't wake up until around 9:45, eh, sometimes ten-
I eat my dinner which was waiting for me today on a plate, water and all- make a pot of coffee, and then get to work.

mang, just when i collect all my marbles and feel fucking sane
and feel like ive found something close to truth,
everyone has to bitch at me like im some sort of nutjob.
shut the fuck up, guys.

"i think you are more sane than you will ever be."
hah, ironically, my ex boyfriend ex best friend is the one that understands me the best.
i love that motherfucker.
thanks dude.

i reveal in things more, now.
i enjoy things more.
so be happy for me, goddamit.

"you may not be able to see it, but from a fly on the wall view, hes taking you down with him."
na, babe.

"I can feel it in my bones, I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone."

Why has it all come down to chasing each other for a good fuck?

I saw M today. We used to date. Two years ago. We still want to fuck around, and we get along really well but not in a relationship way. So why the fuck not. it's just that, when I think about it, its fucking depressing.
And the friend that he brought along, he wants to fuck me too. It makes me feel slightly sick. Why is it all just about sexual attraction? Jesus fucking christ.

I miss him I miss him I miss him.

he and i arent together.
he broke up with me; hes so severely depressed, he cant handle anything.
i asked him, was it because my love wasnt enough?
him: "i guess so."
me: was it ever?
him: yeah.

even though hes the one thats left me,
i still feel sick to my stomach every day since then because i feel like im the one leaving him behind.

He and I are back together.

I don't really know what to think or say.
I feel like we're not really together, or dating, because hes grounded and we cant even hang out for longer than half an hour. (and thats only if i go pick him up from school, which means ditching my last class....which would mean multiple saturday schools :/ )
He's still just as prone to his infidelity just as before,
but he says that yes, he does want to try and make this work.
At first, i asked him on the phone if he wanted to be my boyfriend. and he just said, "i dont know how to answer that."

great.
just fucking great.
he called me yesterday.
we talked for an hour.
i felt stiff but my voice was tender and loving.
i felt embarrassed just listening to myself; my voice cracking and so terribly sad.
i asked him why he called,
and he said, "i miss you."
he said alot of other things.
i asked him how he was and he said that hes been crying alot that weekend.
i said i know.
so have i.
he said that it was nice to just hear my voice.
that he wants to see me.
but hes grounded.
i wish..
i knew what to do.
im so lost, all over again.

i had a terrifying dream last night.
i dreamt that i was going to die today.
i was mortified.
i screamed and cried in my sleep. i panicked.

...getting over him?
i deleted my facebook the day before yesterday.
i couldnt take one more fucken day creepin' on his page.
it was getting to me and not only is it pathetic, its unnatural.
to be able to do something like that, to be able to keep such close tabs on someone else...its chilling. i dont like it.
and the fact that it never really goes away?
my facebook was "deactivated" not "deleted."
So i can "reactivate" it anytime i want.
fuck that shit.
i have better things to do than to waste hours staring blankly at a screen,

normal stages as in,
theater performances lacking in sanity.
my own little mindfuck show.
starring: me.
audience: me.
directed by: me.
stage crew: me.
i'm going FUCKING CRAZY
all over again
for the hundredth time
and its just getting worse.
its like the old lover that you cant help but going back to even though it grows older with each reunion; even though it hurts a little more and more as resilience becomes a thing of the youth.
and we are no longer youth, are we? not after all this manslaughter and insanity and LACK OF COMFORT.
LACK OF COMFORT
LACK OF COMFORT

i'm not sure yet.
right now, i'm trying to finish my research paper, which is sort of horrible but i basically have half a page left before i'm done. i would be much, much happier if i knew that i would be done with all that research paper bullshit after finishing the thing itself, but nooooo, i need a million other shit things to do, like endnotes and topic sentences and what have you. i sometimes wish my teacher would die a timely death. like, right now.

I never thought I would say this and
I never thought I would really believe it;
to think it for more than an hour, a day.
But.

Jake, I never, ever want to see you again.

To look at you would be a corporeal sign of my humiliation.
Of everything that I loved.
Of everything that I held dear, and why I kept living.
Worst of all,
you will be the walking, living, breathing rejection of my existence.

No one can blame me for not wanting to see him, right?
It's understandable.
Though weak.
And sad.
So pathetic.

hi.
its 2 19 in the fucen morning
and i am slowly,
very slwoly, getting drunk.
i cant work otherwise..
i cant do my homework
theres tioo much pain
i look at the paper and i bergin to cry
so i'll dullit, here,
drink up
dont even think about talking to him
though its reaolly all i want to do
always knwe i coudlnt handle my alcohol
ists funny
just alil
and im alreayd fucking dulled.
my mind is fuzzy.
theres a dense abarrier so i wont hve to fucking think.
for once.
i havent slept in three days.
this is the fourth.
day, i mean.
i take one hour naps here and ther.

I've been so sad.
I don't know what to do with myself.
I used to be able to handle myself fine,
but now every time I remember that the one person who used to hold me and love me is gone, probably with some other girl...that hes not mine anymore, and wont ever be, and worst of all, that he gave me up without a second glance...
it makes me cry and panic and want to kill myself.
No, I am not living for someone else; that would be wrong.
But I cannot deny the fact that I did.
That I breathed for him.
And now he's left me in the dust, and I lie here praying for someone to save me.