so much to do, but-

milk-tea — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 23:29:10 +0300

"You're so beautiful."
Topless and breathless, wanting wanting wanting.
Was I mistaken to feel a twinge of love in the heavy air?
I hope not.
Miss you.
Can't wait to see you tomorrow.

November had to come, sometime

milk-tea — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 08:40:22 +0300

Freckles and I are dating.
I have a boyfriend, ...strange.
The last one had me bashing my brains in with whittled spoons and truck tires.
But Freckles is just so.. good.
Not the best word, but the first that comes to mind.
He's smart, adorable, attractive, attentive, really listens to me, wants to hold my hand.. the list goes on and on.
Anyway.
He kissed me last Friday for the first time. It was soft and sweet and left me muddled and in a daze.
He's coming over this Friday to take a nap with me and read to me in bed.
Can you possibly think of anything better?

Freckles

milk-tea — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 21:16:13 +0300

Freckles and I hung out yesterday. You know, the guy I started passing notes with.
And it was fantastic.
He's fucking adorable, a smart cookie, and we didn't have any awkward pauses or anything. It felt natural and we talked and talked and walked for four hours straight. I was so beat last night, but it was definitely worth it.
He would hold up an autumn leaf to his ear and crunch it.
Or hold one up to the light and tell me to look at it from where he was sitting, because the light lit it up from the back and it was beautiful.

holy fuck (0.2),

milk-tea — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 00:54:37 +0400

he. wrote. me. back.

LSDKFJDLKFDSKLFDS.
lskdfjsdlfjk!
sfd!!

it said,
"hi. i liked your note. i'm mark."

jesus fuck i am completely amazed. and giggly.
this means that hes courting me back a lil, right?

is it okay to ask him out for a cigarette/coffee already?
or should i continue this note writing and wait?

holy fuck,

milk-tea — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 06:27:02 +0400

i did it.
let me explain:
superadorable boy, in my AP Lit. class. black rimmed glasses, freckly, red hair. neon green converse, smart cookie, mug of coffee every morning.
i have never ever talked to him.
i sort of fell in love with him.
i mean. as much as you can without knowing someone.
i guess it's what you would call a crush.
so i wrote him a note today saying,

"hi, i like your green shoes. i'm sarah."

yeah go ahead and laugh, i'm a funny guy.

milk-tea — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 01:24:26 +0400

so, i realize that the previous post seemed very optimistic, and i suppose that was how i was feeling, in a manner of sorts.
but, things weren't that great.
i havent been dating my ex-boyfriend for awhile now, but we would still hang out constantly and make love, cuddle, and generally be loved.
it's just, i can't anymore though. he's pursuing another girl and doesn't seem to see anything wrong with not only telling me this, but also still hanging out with me and acting like he doesn't like another girl.

various things.

milk-tea — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 00:59:34 +0400

you know what i love?
cuddling.
making love. not fucking, not having sex- it's something completely different. it's sweet and tender and warm.
foreheads touching, holding my hand, "i love you."
you're the first to call me beautiful and mean it.
listening to Hauschka and feeling pretty under his thoughts.

it's been awhile plus a whole summer.

milk-tea — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 03:22:18 +0400

hey oasis.
i broke up with my boyfriend of more than a year this morning.
it was the most difficult thing i've done, but i've never been so sure of something as i am of this decision.
it was just getting to be too much.
he dumped me then picked me back up when convenient, tells me that he doesnt like me that much but still loves me, that i dont make him as happy as i used to.
i'm going to miss him, but not enough to ever go back.
i'm going to be okay, eventually,
but in the meantime, wish me luck, oasis.

love.

these last two weeks of school.

milk-tea — Mon, 25 May 2009 20:06:24 +0400

my mother is leaving for Japan tomorrow, and coming back on my last day of school. I am freaking the fuck out. We're really close, and she keeps order in the house. But with her gone.. my dad is essentially completely incapable of taking care of himself, let alone us. So for the next two weeks, I'll be doing the laundry, the dishes, cooking the meals, packing my sisters' lunches at 5 in the morning, putting them to bed, making sure they shower, keeping the house semi-clean, remembering what days my sisters need to go places, taking care of our dog..
fuck.
it's going to be so lonely.

..a girl? really?

milk-tea — Sat, 16 May 2009 06:59:03 +0400

i think i might like a girl!
shes adorable and sweet and we've gotten pretty close.
she kept on sitting in my lap today at this coffee house open mic thing
and kissing my forehead. <3
i just have that feeling, that it could/might develop into something more.
so im just going to leave it alone and see where it grows. :3
i still havent called him! congrats to me! i'll call him, eventually; probably sometime next week. im too busy this weekend to call anyone, or do anything.
wanna know why?

dying.

milk-tea — Fri, 15 May 2009 06:48:46 +0400

i am so incredibly exhausted, i must be dying.
all i want to do anymore is sleep.
even if i want to actually do something, i cant seem to move my body to do anything, no matter how hard i will it.
all ive been listening to lately is Brand New.
he called me last night, and we talked for almost two hours.
it was good.
none of that stupid I MISS YOU shit.
um.
i dont know.
i cant really think right now.
i just want to sleeeeeeeep
but i have so much work to do.
a huge test to study for; a unit that i havent been paying enough attention to.
wish me luck.
:/

high heels

milk-tea — Sun, 10 May 2009 06:44:00 +0400

..i am learning to walk in them.
it is much harder than it looks! i feel like a lopsided retard.

unfortunately.
i miss him.
i know.
i shouldn't.
maybe i'm forgetting what a douche he is,
and how not worth it it is.

i mean, i still know that.
i don't have the slightest inclination to go back to him.

i just.
i feel empty, with him gone.

i feel like shit.

milk-tea — Wed, 06 May 2009 08:01:21 +0400

the only good thing right now is that i'm not freaking out to the point of tears about my school work because i finally got started on a project. its a bit nerve wracking, though, because i have to read it out loud and present it in front of a very non-caring, narrow minded audience. fuck, man. but i mean, whatever, right? who gives a fuck what they think, even if they laugh at me.
..right?
i mean, yeah, i'll be humiliated if its awkward and if they all laugh their asses off at me, but whatever. all writers have to go through humiliation, right?

on a different note.

FFFFUUUUUUU-

milk-tea — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 02:19:53 +0400

i am failing physics.
51.19%
I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO SUMMER SCHOOL.
not only that, i dont want it to happen so that maybe i cant end up going to Iowa Young Writers and have to go to FUCKING SUMMER SCHOOL instead.
of course, me failing physics is purely my fault.
still.
i swear to god, i will hop on a bus and run away to the Iowa program if i have to.
I WILL NOT LET MY INCOMPETENCE GET IN THE WAY!

GOD I AM SUCH A DUMBASS.

also, my "best friend" is pissed or upset at me.
i dont even fucking know.

fq?

milk-tea — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 07:29:32 +0400

so, he came over today.
it was incredibly, unbelievably, amazing.
just, everything.
we spent the whole day together.
in bed, talking, having sex, giggling, having pillow fights, etc etc.
watched a movie.
he would kiss me and then smile so big i thought his face was going to break.
we're not back together, though.
interestingly enough, it didnt even cross my mind
to ask him out again.
because i fucking know now that it wont work.
not now.
when he cant deal most of the time with the fact that hes alive,
and quite honestly, neither can i.
im just really happy right now.