these last two weeks of school.

milk-tea — Mon, 25 May 2009 20:06:24 +0400

my mother is leaving for Japan tomorrow, and coming back on my last day of school. I am freaking the fuck out. We're really close, and she keeps order in the house. But with her gone.. my dad is essentially completely incapable of taking care of himself, let alone us. So for the next two weeks, I'll be doing the laundry, the dishes, cooking the meals, packing my sisters' lunches at 5 in the morning, putting them to bed, making sure they shower, keeping the house semi-clean, remembering what days my sisters need to go places, taking care of our dog..
fuck.
it's going to be so lonely.

..a girl? really?

milk-tea — Sat, 16 May 2009 06:59:03 +0400

i think i might like a girl!
shes adorable and sweet and we've gotten pretty close.
she kept on sitting in my lap today at this coffee house open mic thing
and kissing my forehead. <3
i just have that feeling, that it could/might develop into something more.
so im just going to leave it alone and see where it grows. :3
i still havent called him! congrats to me! i'll call him, eventually; probably sometime next week. im too busy this weekend to call anyone, or do anything.
wanna know why?

dying.

milk-tea — Fri, 15 May 2009 06:48:46 +0400

i am so incredibly exhausted, i must be dying.
all i want to do anymore is sleep.
even if i want to actually do something, i cant seem to move my body to do anything, no matter how hard i will it.
all ive been listening to lately is Brand New.
he called me last night, and we talked for almost two hours.
it was good.
none of that stupid I MISS YOU shit.
um.
i dont know.
i cant really think right now.
i just want to sleeeeeeeep
but i have so much work to do.
a huge test to study for; a unit that i havent been paying enough attention to.
wish me luck.
:/

high heels

milk-tea — Sun, 10 May 2009 06:44:00 +0400

..i am learning to walk in them.
it is much harder than it looks! i feel like a lopsided retard.

unfortunately.
i miss him.
i know.
i shouldn't.
maybe i'm forgetting what a douche he is,
and how not worth it it is.

i mean, i still know that.
i don't have the slightest inclination to go back to him.

i just.
i feel empty, with him gone.

i feel like shit.

milk-tea — Wed, 06 May 2009 08:01:21 +0400

the only good thing right now is that i'm not freaking out to the point of tears about my school work because i finally got started on a project. its a bit nerve wracking, though, because i have to read it out loud and present it in front of a very non-caring, narrow minded audience. fuck, man. but i mean, whatever, right? who gives a fuck what they think, even if they laugh at me.
..right?
i mean, yeah, i'll be humiliated if its awkward and if they all laugh their asses off at me, but whatever. all writers have to go through humiliation, right?

on a different note.

FFFFUUUUUUU-

milk-tea — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 02:19:53 +0400

i am failing physics.
51.19%
I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO SUMMER SCHOOL.
not only that, i dont want it to happen so that maybe i cant end up going to Iowa Young Writers and have to go to FUCKING SUMMER SCHOOL instead.
of course, me failing physics is purely my fault.
still.
i swear to god, i will hop on a bus and run away to the Iowa program if i have to.
I WILL NOT LET MY INCOMPETENCE GET IN THE WAY!

GOD I AM SUCH A DUMBASS.

also, my "best friend" is pissed or upset at me.
i dont even fucking know.

fq?

milk-tea — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 07:29:32 +0400

so, he came over today.
it was incredibly, unbelievably, amazing.
just, everything.
we spent the whole day together.
in bed, talking, having sex, giggling, having pillow fights, etc etc.
watched a movie.
he would kiss me and then smile so big i thought his face was going to break.
we're not back together, though.
interestingly enough, it didnt even cross my mind
to ask him out again.
because i fucking know now that it wont work.
not now.
when he cant deal most of the time with the fact that hes alive,
and quite honestly, neither can i.
im just really happy right now.

so many dreams.

milk-tea — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 06:11:14 +0400

whenever i dream, he's usually in it.
there was one with cannibals and laughter.
another with a clear lake and plastic boats.
so many and i'm always with you.

monday night, i wanted to die.
i sort of wish i had.
i stared at all the pills in my house and cried,
because i didn't want my last thought to be shrouded in pain.
i was afraid that it would also be an image of him.
so i cried and cried and cried and in the morning i couldn't see.
so i stayed home.
listened to Emily Haines & the Soft Skeleton and could feel my organs groaning to a halt.
They don't want to live anymore;

social being? NO. FALSE.

milk-tea — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 06:00:31 +0400

the only thing i want to do is crawl into bed with him and have his arms around me. not even kissing. not even sex. just falling asleep with the only person i truly love.

everything else irritates the fuck out of me. nothing is worth responding to.
not the weather, not teachers, not friends.

please, hold me.

soup.

milk-tea — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 11:02:50 +0400

soup.
it's 1:49 AM right now and i am not a bit tired.
i stayed up and couldn't fall asleep till 4 AM last night.
shits crazy.
but it can all be easily explained by the fact that i arrive home around 4:20PM, eat, check my mail, read something, maybe do my math homework- then crash into my bed. It's like a collision, I'm telling you.
I don't wake up until around 9:45, eh, sometimes ten-
I eat my dinner which was waiting for me today on a plate, water and all- make a pot of coffee, and then get to work.

sanity is all perspective

milk-tea — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 10:39:31 +0400

mang, just when i collect all my marbles and feel fucking sane
and feel like ive found something close to truth,
everyone has to bitch at me like im some sort of nutjob.
shut the fuck up, guys.

"i think you are more sane than you will ever be."
hah, ironically, my ex boyfriend ex best friend is the one that understands me the best.
i love that motherfucker.
thanks dude.

i reveal in things more, now.
i enjoy things more.
so be happy for me, goddamit.

"you may not be able to see it, but from a fly on the wall view, hes taking you down with him."
na, babe.

I want letters and sodas

milk-tea — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 10:15:15 +0400

"I can feel it in my bones, I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone."

Why has it all come down to chasing each other for a good fuck?

I saw M today. We used to date. Two years ago. We still want to fuck around, and we get along really well but not in a relationship way. So why the fuck not. it's just that, when I think about it, its fucking depressing.
And the friend that he brought along, he wants to fuck me too. It makes me feel slightly sick. Why is it all just about sexual attraction? Jesus fucking christ.

I miss him I miss him I miss him.

fuck this.

milk-tea — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 20:28:48 +0400

he and i arent together.
he broke up with me; hes so severely depressed, he cant handle anything.
i asked him, was it because my love wasnt enough?
him: "i guess so."
me: was it ever?
him: yeah.

even though hes the one thats left me,
i still feel sick to my stomach every day since then because i feel like im the one leaving him behind.

Oop guess what guys;

milk-tea — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 10:43:56 +0400

He and I are back together.

I don't really know what to think or say.
I feel like we're not really together, or dating, because hes grounded and we cant even hang out for longer than half an hour. (and thats only if i go pick him up from school, which means ditching my last class....which would mean multiple saturday schools :/ )
He's still just as prone to his infidelity just as before,
but he says that yes, he does want to try and make this work.
At first, i asked him on the phone if he wanted to be my boyfriend. and he just said, "i dont know how to answer that."

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face.

milk-tea — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 01:37:56 +0300

great.
just fucking great.
he called me yesterday.
we talked for an hour.
i felt stiff but my voice was tender and loving.
i felt embarrassed just listening to myself; my voice cracking and so terribly sad.
i asked him why he called,
and he said, "i miss you."
he said alot of other things.
i asked him how he was and he said that hes been crying alot that weekend.
i said i know.
so have i.
he said that it was nice to just hear my voice.
that he wants to see me.
but hes grounded.
i wish..
i knew what to do.
im so lost, all over again.