i met this boy and had a rampant sexual affair in front of a church and am now apparently, dating him. He's fucking great. Really interesting, sweet, funny, and I'm leaving for a week and i already miss the hell out of him.

My best friend and I,
we gave each other a germ burn.
it was spectacular.
i love her so fucking much.

i'll be doing lines of coke before school with this one girl. she seems interesting. i like her quite alot.

i texted a total worth of $120 in less than a month. not that bad, i think. but the parents freaked. and blocked it, though apparently i can still do it, sorta..? i'll be using that to text jake. the new boyfriend.

oh and the girl who is my best friend that i mentioned in the other post--
it did not work, for the better. im having a sleepover with her the day i get back from south dakota.

sup oasis.

hey oasis, i actually have something gay to talk about now.
i have this sorta girlfriend.
mhmm. one of those.
shes amazingly gorgeous.
she's passionate, loving, caring, a little crazy.
i love her.
we both agreed that we had feelings for each other
and, we would "see how it goes."
we didnt see each other for a little over a month,
until yesterday.
we hung out, it was a blast, i slept over at her house.
but NOTHING. HAPPENED.
okay, we cuddled and sort of held hands and semi slept on top of each other.
but.
neither of us initiated a kiss, not really.
i hope this is out of fear? and not her changing her mind.
shes one of my best friends.
i cant lose her.
but i really, really want her.
She. Is. A. Stone. Fox.

and i dont know what to do.
should i just get my act together and grab her by her neck,
kiss her?

haaaaaaaalp.

lately, i've become utterly obssesed with bdsm.
or, let me correct myself: i have realised how turned on i get when watching/thinking/doing bdsm.
not that ive done it, though the oppurtunity has presented itself once.
(to those who dont know: bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism.)
idk. its a bit weird, but ive gone far fast the weird mark anyway, so why not?
sasha grey is so beautiful! shes an amazing porn star. the videos ive watched of her arent all that good, she was a bit crappy in them, but her photoshoots+etc=hot.
i got accepted into interlochen, but cant go because its toooo expensive. i am so fucking pissed off.
but, right now, im applying for a journalism workshop. Sigh.
I'm getting a tragus piercing when I turn 16. you do have to be 16, right? with parental consent, of course. or, could i get it now? at 15? that would be joyous. and i want to get snake bites, sorta. well, alot. but idk. i like wearing lipstick. i could do both, its just more troublesome, is all.
im going to lose a bucket of weight and work out. im not fat at all, i just want to be more lean.

yeah. this is an abrupt ending.

they are made of velvet green, these rolling hills of grass and flower
littered with lust rimed boys and girls,
they tumble in the slopes
stark jays in the nude of clothes.
there are no tinted silver of streams to reflect our eager faces.
and there, in the corner sweep of the den
is a ladder of spun wood and silk;
so we climb, you
upon the top rungs of a creaky foundation.
i (or is it her? is it you?),
peering hesitantly over the top
and the gaze sets light on a singular, ancient bathroom stall
tiles defined by speckless grains of churned dirt
creamy, stamped in
smoothly and with more grace then the drops of milk
to a calf's hungering mouth.
the lukewarm haze of wise and aged stained glass
windows mirror
the walls with drenches of colour.

warmth in six shades of sun flood our cores,
and we seep candy flavoured, grapefruit orange.

But the sky has exhausted to a heartfelt gray
And we, anyone
Must call in the rest of our history to a catnap for five.

When the conscious thought hit to continue a forced habit of smoking cigarettes
It was because of you,
the lazy bored look in your eyes that got me hooked.
You were beautiful in a way that only the arrogant can be.

And when we chain smoked in the grass
Cancer breeding white, curly q’s
Of a kissing breath—
Well, I thought that I could maybe
Fall in love

With you.
Eskimo snuggles with a fierce blue sky
I could tell how much you loved the spring and summer
The feel of the sun between your fingers
So I kept my mouth shut
And choked my adoration for blanket winter.

I’m not naturally supportive and full of sympathy
But I can make myself out of plastic if it means
Winning your heart and hand to hold on a train platform.
Truth be told,
I sorta find your fingers perfect
Even if (especially because) they’re bitten to the quick.

But then I couldn’t stand the sight of you light up with compassion
(my heart, if it exists, would creak and moan in protest)
and your perfection made me want to smother.
The glow in your eyes that tells me,
I’m mastering the art of living—
Fuck,
It sent me over the edge and
I found myself

Voting conservative and bringing on my own demise.
Please (don’t) save me.

my ear is. i got it pierced. nice.
i also think i like my friend. this girl. that i love to chill with and we both, we chat up the squares and inhale until our lungs are scorched black.
and we flow about life,
spill our brains for the intelligent and offer gleaming throats to chance and happiness.
she's so breathtakingly beautiful.

also.
for some reason.
i talked to him again, online, not too long ago.
bad move. i think.
but fuck, guys, i need some sort of physical comfort.
even if it's just him.
because he will always be there to hold me, kiss me, to fuck the pain away.
i just have to ask.
so why not,
right?

i unfortunately adore mc chris. and atmosphere.
gergh.
but no where near as much as radiohead
WHO,
may i mention,
i am planning on seeing in St. Louis! in May! and i live in chicago, its on a school day--
me and a couple of my friends are planning on skipping two days of school and just heading out there. no matter what.
i am so fucking excited.
also, i 'm heading to a dance party/concert and looptopia in may with said friend as well.
= <3
im in the process of applying to University of Iowa for its summer writing program. i already applied to interlochen,
everyone please hope for acceptance.
nervoussss.

in other news,
i told a handsome boy that i like him
and i was nicely rejected.
i cried for two days
and now he and i are back to giggling in american lit.
alls well,
basically, for some odd reason.
even though my mom found and threw away all my pot.
and my pipe, which i had become quite attached to.

i think the prospect of radiohead and dance parties are making me smile.

when you walk into the atmosphere there is a horrible stench
and when you sing these symphonies,
the sharp sting of blood creeps the inner surface of each tooth, behind
lips spun of wood and silk.
i smile, for you,
and watch your mirror eyes mimic the seeping voice piece.

this is the rush i caught from my veins
blowing through the ceiling in an one-flight rage.

so you
let them appear and cross over militant borders of
floating dream realities, made of fake wedding rings and
worn fabric hem.
beckoning, let her in,
hovering craft of kicked ice;
deaf to our bitter love because
there are stars in your ears,
heart clogged with glutinous fat.

your precious fingertips only ever cooperate to raise
a cigarette to harsh words in the dead of winter.
the chilled wind dreamt of tossing straight
curls of smoke in your face, a
fevered hope to smother and choke colouring
our cheeks rosy pink.

i like him.
alot.

and he called me this morning, it was really fucking sweet and cute and adorable. and just asking if i was any better then yesterday,and if i wanted to chill today, etc. but i couldn't, knew i had to work on stuff i wanted to see him tomorrow and go to the movies with some friends.

so i told him that i would see him tomorrow,
and.
uggh.
i dont even know what im bitching and moaning about.
being on the tip of my fingertips,
i realise that i am super irrational.

but basically,
i came to the conclusion that he is creeped out by me
because i called him 3 or 4 times
(he called me twice!)
and also because he is not responding/online.

whatevsssss.
i think i need to chill and consume myself in my work.

HE CAME OVER AGAINZ AND I LICKED HIS EAR.
sexxxxxx.
no, not at all.
basically just breathing unsteadily and aaaaalmost groping each other,
his hand was on my back and lifting up my shirt,
my hand was in his hair;
my lips were totally on his face! and then his ear,
to which i gave in and sucked, nibbled and licked.

he didnt pull away. his breathing became even more uneven.
BUT.
he never fucking kissed me! or tried!

is this because a. he has a gf, or b. he doesnt want to?

ooooooooooh mygawd.ohgodohgodohgod.

this is so embarassing! this is so awkward!
whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.

HAAALPP.

found out, the boy i am majorly crushing on currently is not a virgin.
coolness. whatevs, man. it 's just, it generally makes me a little more nervous around him now, what with all the cuddling that has happened thus far, and not AT ALL knowing what to do, exactly, with dicks and the like.
not to say that anything more has happened.
but it 's pretty obvious, raigh?
that he is at least somewhat interested?
he and i are shipping off to the movies sometime this coming weekend.
sweeeeet.

ON THE OTHER HAND.
this is really bad, but i am
considering, once again,
that other boy.
you know, the one that i rejected at least a hundred thousand times
and then said,
"wait! no! maybe..yes?no. no? wait, what?"
he is really fucking attractive.
in a weird awful way.
but i know for a fact (though he may be a bit wary)
that he would jump
at the chance to hook up.
and i am starting to become sorely tempted!

it would be something,
nice and hot and sexy. yuumm.
but then again,
how shallow is that?
uggh.

ew.
this is all so disgusting.
not in a forceful way. i think.

OTHERWISE.
i have been studying buckets more, which is good!
tests, not so bad.
we shall see after tomorrow, though,
world history tests are always my downfall.

p.s.
i just want to make him hard and wanting and i want him to want me,
to give him a kiss and promise something more,
leave him longing between classes,
thinking of me when he touches himself.
sigh.
i am a horrid person.

as said in the entry before,
i had a cuddlefest with M, basically.
and now.
i dont know what to do,
because honestly?
i dont want to be a random fuck for him. or just like, only attraction, you know?
i wish and wonder if it means anything to him.
he has a girlfriend, and, well--frankly, it doesnt seem like he likes her too much, says he wants to take a break from her, and thinks that cheating is only when you have sex with the other person, blah blah blah.
what am i supposed to make of all this?

i like him.
but i almost want to put him out of mind if this wont mean anything to him
because jealousy is a fat slut of a bitch.

any help, observations, comments?

i think i may be in a bit of a pickle.

today. M came over.
first offs, we went and got food, walked alot,
then came back, watched a strenuous movie. ick.
but then,
we went to my room, talked boatloads,
then lied down and snuggled.
gah.
do you guys feel me melt?
this was . . .
alot more then last time.
amazing.
basically, we were as close to each other as possible.
his arms were completely wrapped around me,
my hand was in his hair, and the other one on his back.
for a little bit,
our noses were touching.

he would keep pulling me closer, had his hand on my hipbone(bare skin!)
sometimes just flat on my stomach.
once in a while, his hand would come up to stroke my hair.
my leg was between his, his leg between mine.
and then his nose would skim my face,
i felt him softly push his hips against mine.

all of this while we were just talking.
eskimo kisses,
they make my pulse thunder up and down a crooked alleyway.

so guys.
how about this one?
what. does. it. all. mean.

{my mind is still swirling with warm fluff and candy syrup.}

p.s.
he came over at 12, left at 6:16.

wow.
<3

no no no.
no to that boy.
i am not going to and i dont want to date that boy.
NO.
he is a creepy pedo that just wants to get into my pants.
thank god i finally came to that conclusion.

on another note, on another amazing note~
i feel completely and totally magical.
i just feel so amazing and light and full of warmth.
so,
to explain.
i hung out with this boy today.
his name is M,
and
i went to his house and we watched a movie,
mostly cuddled,
and cuddled some more and forgot to eat or drink or stretch
because we talked and talked and
talked
and i never, ever wanted to get up from his bed.

i am a little bit confused if it meant something.
when there would be a comfortable silence,
and he would snuggle closer,
nest his nose into my neck
and sigh into my throat.

i wonder if he could feel my heart beating like a drum.
it was going crazy.

i looked around, stared
at his baby blue ceiling,
and resisted the urge to lean over,
just an inch,
and kiss him.

he has a girlfriend,
but he was telling me how he is having a bit of
trouble
with her right now.
shes too clingy.
etc, etc.

i think. . .
what?

oh.
i dont know.

does that mean something? anything?

"i want my bracelet back."

my best friend that had been my best friend
for almost 4 years.
all of this,
over,
because of heroin and a boy.
she is fucking up her life so badly, and when i tell her that
she screams at me, that i don 't
*care*
about her.
BULLSHIT.
it 's disgusting.
i still love her, will always love her, will always care.
that 's why i 'm still going to keep on bugging her
and messaging her.
we had a huge screaming fight last night.
it was scary as fuck,
i shook so much
it took all my control not to lash out with violence.

since when do i have anger management problems?

and this morning. . .
it was a friendship bracelet, and i think
for me
that that stung more than anything else.
it felt like a slap in the face offered by desperation.

gabi, why do you do this?

it 's the sickest feeling in the world,
to not have you.
no matter how much you were making me turn cold with fear
at least i still got a reaction out of you.
at least you became furious and let the dam down,
screamed and cried and yelled.

on the other hand,
that boy.
it was strange but in that moment afterwards
when she stormed out of the room, i wished and was overcome by a huge wave of longing for him to just hold me. i wanted to suction off comfort and warmth and love from him. more than anything.

i wish if i were as beautiful as a radiohead song.