MAN. I want to learn the music to the play Evita. It's so fucking great. I also heard this great song, well I've been listening to it, but recently, I've been paying attention to the lyrics. Check 'em out.
" Rudy's on a train to nowhere, halfway down the line
He don't wanna get there, but he needs time
He ain't sophisticated, no well-educated
After all the hours he's wasted, still he needs time
I can't stand radical activists. I think holding up signs against clearly wrong things in society is nice, but when people take it to extremes, it's like: "Okay, dude. Chill out. If you really hate how people's right to live is limited, don't go blowing up the White House for it. Why don't you promote peace and equality through civil disobediance like Gandi? You might actually do something other than destroy more lives than necessary..." So yeah, I've basically been contemplating that and people who care too much about issues such as gay marriage.
I just got home from my band competition; it was packed with marching bands. Well, our "rival" school started a band last year and this year they were predicted to beat us. They were good but not good enough because we got first in everything! We even got first in silver division!! Oh man, I'm so happy. We did so well! I'm so tired now, though, so I think I'm going to bed. I might write more tomorrow.
I wore my awkward shirt today. I felt awkward. Ew. Tomorrow is Friday. Yay! Look at all of these sentences. I feel like I'm seven writing in a journal. Okay. Bye-bye. :]
Oi vei (sp?), I'm starting to feel alot better as far as the suicide is, but I think that my attitude about life has remained the same. I'm not sure what to type here because this last week has been quite a bore. Well, except for a few things.
Alot of my good friends seem to be mad at me. One of them just said some rude remark and walked off. She's not even my friend, or at least, I don't think so. She's quite bipolar as far as her attitude towards our relationship is. She told me that I was one of her best friends. (Note: We were practically glued together last year, but we got in a series of fights that led to us spliting up at the end of last year.) I had asker her out on the field during band practice if she had said anything nice to me that year, yet she said no and walked away. We stopped talking for a month, but then, we began conversing at a marching band tournament. Since then, we had progressively been healing our wounds until she said that rude remark and trotted off. I have no idea what to do, but it's out of my hands. If she wants to be friends, it's up to her. I'm ready to make the change. It's not like that hasn't happened before, hence saying this week has been a bore.
Percent Suicidal: 80%
For the past few months, I've been confused with my future, with death, with the afterlife; I think that I may be coming to a conclusion. I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to tell anyone but Oasis, but I've considered telling my counselor.
I don't see the point in living anymore. I'm sick of living. I'm sick of pressure. I'm sick of this lack of love in my life. Everyday's a routine; although people say it gets better, the truth is that it doesn't. We live to die. We are born, we learn to walk, learn to speak, learn to act, learn about our origins, learn about the arts, work to make a living, marry, raise children, retire, and, finally, die. We die. We die. We work, work, work, work, and -don't forget- work, then die. We strive to follow our religions (or resist). We strive to one-up our peers, but look where we get! We all die!
I feel like just dropping my life and moving to Tibet. I yearn for the beauty and the freedom of Tibet. To me, It just seems like a totally different world. I need to get away from the world. I'm sick of people, of worrying. I just want to be free.
Today, I watched a hawk circle the sky (this sounds so cliche), and I ran out to the bathroom to cry. I'm like a ticking bomb of emotions. Everyone says it's just because I am a teenager. Okay, thanks for the sex ed lesson, but it's beyond being young. Maybe teenagers know more about freedom than the rest of the world. I mean, we're the few that dream. Old men and women sit in their cubicles of their dead end job wondering what happened to their plans to be a model, an actress, to have fun at what they are doing. Instead, they end up in a job for worry-aholics, making jokes with their co-workers in the staff lounge. I swear, I will grow up different. I WILL get away from America. I could care less about love. I just want away from the hustle and bustle, in a land so far away.
Jesus Christ, I have this chick as my Religion teacher, and I'm sure she's going through menopause. Everything is a women's rights crusade for her. We spent like 30 minutes in a class listening to her talk about 'history' meaning 'his-story'. I seriously thought I was going to die laughing when she mentioned it towards the end of the class. (She has the shittiest memory.) And today, I was in my homeroom, and my homeroom was talking about this cheer that we have to do in front of the school.
Okay, I'm fucking sick of it. I just want someone to hold me. I'm so fucking stressed out. Life would be so much easier if I had a lover. Someone to hold hands with me, and cuddle me, and hug me, and kiss me. I just feel like screaming at Tim. I want to be with him so bad that I feel like screaming at him. I'm just so love sick that I'm mad at him. Why can't things just go my way for once? My love life is so fucked. Oh wait, what love life? Why can't anyone consider my needs? Everyone's so fucking concerned with themselves, even me, but I usually tend to other people's lives instead of my own. You know why? BECAUSE I HAVE NO FUCKING LIFE. I was in such an amazing mood a few hours ago, at the football game, with the marching band. I had a taste of real fun, real excitment, but I just want to be with him. Even if it's only for a day.
In some sense, it was an exciting one, depending on whether you are more enticed by bad news, good news, or a combination of the two. So, today was a gorgeous day. It was clear blue skies, cool, sunny, just perfect. Having had a good rest, I arrived at school jovial and ready to take on whatever the fools at my school would throw at me. I hung out in the band room for about an hour with Haegenn, practicing these 7/4 bars in the closer of the marching band half-time show. Oh lord, we had so much fun. Anyways, I talked with a few people in the band hall before I headed to the cafeteria with my friend, Andrea. (It's a daily ritual: Come to school early, buy breakfast, sit around and talk.) Well, school started, and I had algebra second period. I sit behind my crush *blush blush*. We talked about the trumpet for some reason. (MY LIFE DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND MUSIC- I SWEAR!) Suddenly, he grabs my hand for reasons unknown. I just kinda' looked at him and asked to go to the B-room to spaz. When I made it to science later, some guy was staring at me, and I know he's gay. I know it's weird, but whenever I come within 10 yards of him, my gaydar beeps spastically. There were a few people that were bringing me down in Algebra, because they're hopeless pricks that need to burn in hell. Okay, well, I'm off. Talk later!