You know what makes me sick?

One day I will be happy and successful. I will have a job doing something I love, and I will create beautiful things and inspire others to do the same. I will reach out to people who need me and give what I can in support... Something you wouldn't understand.

I'd like to have a nightmare where I'm falling and wake up right before hitting the ground, or where I'm being chased or something for once... Something less psychologically invasive.

So my friend was over last night because they had some trouble at home. I let them stay on my computer and play some video game after I fell asleep.

Okay, so I was writing... and thinking, and I ended up writing this huge, 2,244 word story of my life...

But I'm not going to post it.

It's too much.

I wish there was someone... Just one person, that I felt like I could open up to completely.

I wonder if there will ever be.

So I'm about as close as it gets to being asexual without actually being asexual.

I ended up getting in a discussion about whether there's a difference between sexual and romantic love and it's starting to tick me off so now I'm coming here to vent. :P

There are people trying to say that there is no difference, and that romantic love is just platonic love and sexual attraction put together.

Which is stupid.

I am hopelessly in love with this song, just so you know.

I just love how nobody comes to my trans youth group anymore.

XPP

So I'm all signed up for the SAT. I decided to take some practice tests on that collegeboard site I signed up through...

OHMAN I'M GONNA ACE THIS THING. Here I was thinking it was gonna be like... Super impossibly difficult... But if all of the questions are like this I'm not too worried about it.

I just need to practice math so I don't take forever at it, and I'll be all set really.

So yeah. I'm an insensitive jerk. It happens sometimes.

I get really annoyed at people when they get all "OH MAN EVERYTHING IS SO TERRIBLE."

Blackbelt does this a lot.

On top of this, I'm pretty bad at putting myself in other people's shoes, even when I'm not ticked off at them for refusing to try to see things without the shades of despair on. Like, bad enough at it that my Aspie friend thought I might have Aspergers too. I don't have Aspergers though. I'm just cold without having an excuse to be.

It's a wonder he still talks to me really.

Okay so.

I went to this art program over the summer right? There was this kid there who was allegedly cheating on his girlfriend back home with one of the girls there. It wasn't really my business but one of my friends kept ragging on about it. So I know about it.

The older one who went missing, we think she might have the beginnings of kitty dementia. :[ She is almost thirteen years old after all. She was missing for a few days before the neighbors picked her up. Normally she comes back inside after a couple of hours. She apparently got lost just down the street from here. She's been an outdoor cat all of her life, she should know this area, and I know she used to.

Now she's home and safe.

That's all I care about right now.

=) =)

REALLY SHORT.

Insanely short.

Scratching my arms up is kind of like my wimpy form of self-harm. It's not terrible. I've just got all of these acne scars on my shoulders. It needs to stop though, because it's getting to the point where I'm putting scars where there wasn't anything to begin with. :I

So I get insanely depressed when I don't bind, even if I'm alone in my room.

And when I do bind my chest hurts.

There's just no winning.

"Riku, you're beginning to cope with things and not be depressed all of the time. This just won't do."

And now my cat has gone missing.

The cat I've had since I moved here, over 12 years ago.

The cat who was my only friend as a child.

That cat.

She's missing. Has been, since Wednesday.

Fuck.

I know her. The only reason she'd be gone for this long would be because she's hurt or stuck or dead.

I'm not ready to deal with that. Especially not the latter.