So I feel like kind of a moron. A really silly embarrassed moron.

But it's okay.

Ahaha.

I'm sososo moodswingy right now. Like one minute it's just like "okay, I'm cool with this" and the next it's like "OHGODI'MNEVERGOINGTOGETTHISRIGHT." and the next I get all stupidly hopeful in the way I do and then I snap out of it and the whole thing kind of cycles.

I've been saying I've been vegan for two years for the past two years.

Just thought you should know.

Guah. I have to do something about my phone anxiety.

I have to call people today. Schedule stuff.

It'll be fun.

And then I get to take my art and show people what an awesometastic artist I am.

And get into art school.

I also need letters of reccomendation. 0_0 Goddamnit. I wish I knew who to ask for those. I feel really bad because now there are only like, three weeks left. XP

I was reading journals the other day (as I often do) and I think somebody said something about never being invited to parties or whatever.

It made me realize, that all throughout High School, I had only been invited to a few birthday parties and a graduation party. I didn't even realize how many parties other people went to until it was the end of senior year and my friend had been invited to so many graduation parties they had schedule conflicts.

So I'm practicing singing.

So... I hate guys who can sing super-high and it sounds all beautiful and amazing. *cough*MattBellamy*cough*. And when I say "I hate" I mean "I loathe with the passion of a thousand suns" and when I say that I mean "I am intensely jealous of."

Haha.

But yeah, I'm too shy to practice with range-extending stuff while there are people home. But they went out to see a movie so I can practice all I want! Ha!

And then I'll be able to sing super pretty and serenade people.

So I just took a shirt out of the dryer and it's so warm and soft and nice. :D I get excited over the simplest things sometimes.

Oh, and since I'm not in school this year I don't have to worry about the fact that NH breaks are different from CT breaks, and I'm going to visit some friends during their winter break this Feburary. It's going to be awesome, and possibly full of dancing and talk of zombies and people with time machines. I have the best friends. XD

So I'm super excited for that.

Sorry for being all mopey and stuff.

I still feel like I can't do this, but I'm feeling better about it now, I suppose. Like it's worth trying? Maybe?

Man, I'm going to have a time digging myself out of this hole. Everything was alright and then August rolled around and things that were supposed to happen didn't. Since then I've been in this funk. Sometimes it gets better, and sometimes it gets worse. I was doing so well before.

And thanks everyone for not hating me for being whiny and stupid. :I

So recently I've been impossible to motivate, to do anything really.

I just want to sit around and mope because all of the shit I do adds up to nothing anyway.

And I know that this is the wrong attitude to have, but I don't want to think that doing things will actually help, get excited, and then feel let down again.

My life could be turned upside-down.

There one second and gone in the next.

I'm so scared.

WAY too many emotions.

I'd like to drill a hole in my head and let them leak out on the floor. I could clean it up later.

aiaiufdiofeaivhusdwajdsf.

My mom is a [insert the worst insult you can possibly think of here] and there need to be laws against people like her. People have gone to jail for less.

So my sister called her yesterday morning and asked her why she couldn't stay. My mom gave her some bullshit excuse about school but my sister didn't buy it. "But I can go to school up here!" she screamed into the phone. She was crying. :/

I'm assuming my mom then said something to the effect of "YOU'RE STAYING WITH ME AND THAT'S FINAL." (because that's what she always says) before HANGING UP on her 12 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER.

So

I'm trying not to fall for this guy, and it's clearly not working.

Why? Part of me wants it, of course. It wouldn't happen if that weren't the case.

But it seems silly because I'm okay with the way things are between us except that I want him to know how I feel. He makes me feel safe, I think that's significant.

...Well, I want to cuddle and sip coco too but it's okay if we don't.

I hate when I slowly develop feelings for someone and then I let it happen because I'm bored and then I don't know what to do about it because I'm not in a situation where doing something about it would be a good idea and I'm not sure I understand my feelings in the first place.

I wish I were both asexual and aromantic, it'd make my life easier. Romance is frivolous and I don't understand it and I don't really want to and I don't like it. If romance is what everyone makes it out to be, I don't like it.

So um... I figure you guys deserve a more coherent update.

My life recently has been art, music, video games, and procrastination.

In a nutshell.

But now that I think of it... That's not just recently, that basically sums up my -entire life-.

Haha. Wow.

I got a new binder about a week ago. It's kind of unsettling because it made me realize that my old binder literally did nothing. On the plus side, it made me realize that I'm flatter than I see myself as... On the down side I CAN'T BELIEVE I WENT AROUND IN THAT THING. :I

Hi everyone. It's been a little while... But I didn't abandon you guys. |D No abandoning has gone on here.

So um. A few things.

I've decided that I'm too socially inept to ever be in a relationship. I don't understand any of the games you're supposed to play or how the hell I'm supposed to be flirty without being forward. And I'm not any good at not opening up to people... Because I'm just an open person... So yeah. Nobody I want is ever going to want me. I've kind of just accepted this. :P

I would rather have a mom who cares but does not accept me than a mom who accepts me but doesn't give two shits about my sister or myself. She thinks she cares about us because she enjoys our presence. There is a difference between wanting someone to be around because it makes -you- happy and actually CARING about them and wanting their happiness.

Nearly all of my problems can be traced back to her, and she won't lift a finger for me. Her excuse? "I don't have money."