I almost feel like I'm spamming the journal thing. X_X But I want to post more... And after this I'll stop for a while... Kay?
Sora's step-mom is really strict. I called Sora and talked to her a little, and I invited her over, and she went to ask, and I overheard her step-mom going on about some crud on the floor. And it would have been one thing if she was nice, but she was really mean about it. Mabye I'm just spoiled because my mom and aunt were always really nice about these things. Or mabye that amount of strictness reminds me of my grandma, the one I don't like. But either way Sora sounded like she was about to cry, and I guess I just get really defensive is someone upsets someone I care about. Older sister instincts? Or mabye it's just my greedy wish to see her again soon?
I was gone for a little while, we went to PA to escape the house. My dad needed it.
I still don't know whats happening with my parents, right now my mom and my sister are staying somewhere else. And I miss them. And my moms cell phone is off soo... D:
In other news, I haven't seen Sora for a little while, but I really feel ready to come out to her and stuff. But I don't know when I'll be able to see her again. She probably has school off today. It being labor day and all. But whatever.
My dad was trying to get things set up so he and my mom could talk today, but my mom says she dosen't want too talk yet because she's not ready and she's going to end up saying things that she dosen't mean. My dad was a little upset when he heard the news. Only because he went through the trouble of calling up a friend to be a councler and setting up a place where they could talk.
Right now I'm thinking, what my parents need is some time away from eachother and to talk. Because my dad wants mom to come back, and my mom says she wants to come back once things settle down.
My parents are splitting up or something. I knew it was going to happen. But when it did I was so scared that I was going to end up in foster care. But the police actually helped... They must have because when I got back (I went outside because I couldn't deal with it.) everyone had calmed down. And my dad was letting my mom leave with my sister. We don't know what's going to happen yet. But I'm just glad that my dad isn't acting suicidal anymore. I knew the only person he'd hurt would be himself. But I get worried about him you know? Both of my parents are a little insane I guess, my mom has a few anger management problems. She ends up hurting people when she gets angry, and she dosen't want to. Which is why she won't talk to my dad, because she dosn't want to end up hurting him. (She is a wonderful woman though. But my grandparents are probably to blame for any problems my mom has. They aren't exactly the greatest people around. (I know, I shouldn't be saying this about them. But..)) And my dad wants to talk to her. And he keeps misunderstanding her and getting worked up over it, and he takes everything personally. And yesterday he did his "your dad is dead, I'm someone else" thing which was strange, though I understand his reasons. But I guess nobody is truly normal, and everyone has their faults. I mean I have a half brother is so autisic that he can't even speak. (besides a couple words, but I love him anyways. And it's werid because, you can tell when he's trying to talk, and he can't. And he understands the rest of us when we talk.)
I don't belive him at all. My dad was threatining to commit suicide today, and he seemed damn serious about it. But we got him to calm down a little.
And then he fell asleep for a little while, or at least he looked like he was sleeping.
And now that he's awake he's claiming to be somebody different, and that my dad died. Why is he doing this to me!? Everything was going so well and then the other day he just blew up, and now this.
Damn, I'm so stupid! Sora just slept over and I had SO many chances to come out to her and I didn't. Why? Because I'm stupid, that's why. And she's starting school soon and I don't know why I can't just tell her, it's like the words won't come out. They were on the tip of my tounge and then her sister called and told her she had to go. Dammit! I knew I'd regret it if I didn't say something, why didn't I say something? We walked around the block like, 4 times yesterday, I could have told her then.
Lets see, first of all, my dad seems to think that since I'm not an angsty teenager he has to be depressed for me. Some things happened a year ago, and he's still dwelling on it even though the only way it affects him now is the fact that he is dwelling on it. And I try to help him but I don't know how, and eventually I get annoyed at the fact that he can't just let things go. He says that it won't stop bugging him unless he solves it and he can't solve it without hurting someone. And of course he dosen't want to hurt anyone. And then he asks me how I'd feel if it were me in the situation and I told him I'd be hurt but I would get over it. And then he dosen't like my awnser and tells me I'm just a kid and wouldn't understand when I understand completley. I actually sort of feel like I'm reading his mind. It's so easy to tell what he's thinking when he gets upset.
Sora came over for a little while, when I let her in she looked so sad, and she asked if she could talk to me alone for a minute. Her grandma is dying of cancer, and dosen't have much time left. She kept saying that she ran over because she knew I'd make her feel better, and that it was working, and that I'm a great friend, though I'm still not sure what I did. The whole thing was very akward and emotional, and I felt bad because I didn't know what to say.
I accidentally got Sora (My BFF/Crush) in trouble again. She comes over or at least calls me every day and today she didn't so I went over there and talked to her outside for a while, and her parents came home (Her Uncle was over) and her step mom said something about her being in trouble for seeing me, she mentioned that I came over, she didn't go get me, and her step mom seemed kinda upset. I guess she got herself in trouble and I just made it worse for her. Though I'm still kind of worried that her step mom dosen't like me.
I'm wondering when the next time just Sora (My BFF/crush) will come over, because her sisters keep coming along. It's not that I don't like her sisters, but I want to sepnd some time with just her. At least long enough to come out to her.
My cousin and I were talking last night, I had the perfect oprotunity to come out to him but I didn't because he would tell Sora and I want to be the one to tell her. But I haven't had the chance. (Mostly because I keep forgeting or when I do remember there's other people (who I don't want to tell yet) in the room.) And now I'm upset at myself for wasting previous oprotunities. Oh well, it'll happen eventually.
I feel like I'm living in one of those weird tv shows or something. My cousins are over and the worst thing happened..... Sora says she thinks cousin is cute! (And it's sad because he's girl crazy.) D: I'm kind of pissed off because my dope of a cousin has a better chance with her than I do just cuz he's a guy. X_X I'll get over it. But it's going to be hectic and crowded around here and I probably won't be able to write in here for a while... Aren't you lucky?
More random blabber from me. It's kind of embarassing, I don't know why I post this so other people can read it. But whatever.
Sora (that girl I like, if you haven't read my previous journals.) came over again today, and two of her sisters. I rather have just her there but oh well. Her sisters are nice too.
I'm not allowed to walk her home anymore apparently. ._. But I love walking her home, we'd talk on the way there and then I'd walk home happy, and it would give me a chance to think. But when she left today she said her mom didn't want me walking her home anymore. Mabye her parents do think I'm a bad influence or something..? Her mom is nice and all but I have no idea what she thinks of me.
So Sora (My best friend/ crush for those who haven't read my previous journals.) and I were talking about... Womanly stuff, like periods and artificial wombs and stuff. And I mentioned how all of the men could leave the planet and wemon would still be here without a problem. And then she said that all of the straight wemon would be sad. And I started reffering to straight wemon as "they" and if she hasn't figured out that I'm gay from that conversaition she's more oblivious than I thought she was.
My body is trying to make me vegan. I can't get near dairy or eggs without getting a minor stomach ache. Just enough to make me not want to eat it. I haven't been able to eat chocolate either. ._. It's really weird. And plus vegan butter is gross and there's this really good ice cream store and I don't want to be vegan! Argh! But forcing myself to eat something is even worse. And that's the only way I can get the stuff down. Mabye I'll get over it or something. (I hope I will but I have this feeling I won't.) Well, I haven't been TOO scared of eggs because I can eat bread okay. (though it's not great.) But cookies and stuff are like no.
It's meee! Again... And I'm about to blab here again... Just thought I ought to warn you.
My best friend/ crush, Sora. (her nickname) is like, always getting in trouble over chores. Apparently she's been cutting chores or doing a half-assed job at them to see me. And she keeps getting in trouble for it. It's kind of really annoying. She already can't sleep over, soon enough I won't be able to see her much. ._. She's so... Implusive? Reckless? Cute? Ooops. >_>'