A friend is holding a 20's, 30's dance at the local UU church soon, I was gonna bring a bunch of friends with me but there's some stupid anime convention is the same weekend so apparently I'm not bringing a bunch of friends. XP I think that dressing up in vintage clothing and dancing around a church is -far- more important than anime conventions but I digress.

In June (right before I'm scheduled to get surgery, actually) there's also a bit of a schedule conflict...

I've been on HRT for... Over two years... Since February of 2009 actually, if any of you recall.

And I've been on my period for almost two weeks now. I hadn't had a period in about two years up until to that point.

What the fuck, body?

And you know what, I'm not even dysphoric about my period. Two years ago it was invalidating and terrible, but for whatever the reason it's not bothering me as much now, which is good...

I wanted to write about stuff here but I don't know what. Ahaha.

SOHIEVERYONE. Looks like it's random bits about my life time! Aren't you lucky?

• On the walk home from my school, there is a house with the 10 commandments printed on a sign over the door. Every time I walk past it I feel like I'm being judged.

To be fair, my top school wasn't an incredibly selective one, because I wanted to stay in the area, but it's still a really nice school and I'm wicked excited. :]

It's really nice to know what I'm going to be doing next year.

Ohman. Soexcited. I really love that school. =D

*dances*

(oh, and in other news, this morning was reallyreallyreally stressful but I got through it and now I feel kinda awesome because, school. So I guess it worked out okay.)

I have none.

.__.

Sorry for being mopey.

I just. Gah. I feel like all I ever do is burden people. And people like me and give me stuff for some reason but I don't deserve any of it.

And I know I need to get out of this mindset, but I feel like that's selfish...

...Because of my lack of sense of self-worth.

The issue kind of feeds itself.

Yeah. I dunno. Sorry.

I wish I had a friend that made me feel safe that lived closer than two and a half hours away. Then I'd just go over there and hug them and maybe cry a little and feel better.

So I realized that I just don't associate body parts and gender anymore. I just don't. I guess that's my way of dealing with my own body... I see my body as male because I'm male and it's mine... So all of its parts are male too. Maybe it's "feminine" in ways, but it's not "female". Not only that, but (It might get a little TMI here but you guys can handle it) I honestly don't mind having a vagina... Like, if I were ever to get bottom surgery I'd want a urethral lengthening...

Testosterone is great. I love testosterone. I think it's really super-fantastic-awesome that I can get the testosterone I need. Like, you have no idea.

...But I'm sick of needles. I don't know how much longer I can do this needle business for. I mean, a shot, once a week, every week, for the rest of my life? I don't know. I don't want to ask for a gel though because those are more expensive, and that would come out of my dad's pocket. I cost him enough as it is. :/

So yeah. Needles. Fun.

Good mood recently. Why? No idea but I'm rolling with it.

There's been some tension between my dad and I recently. I think it's just growing pains. I'm somewhere between not being ready for responsibility and wanting to get out. Plus my dad has been a little insensitive recently, not like, malicious insensitive, just distracted and absent-minded insensitive. That on top of my phone anxiety just kinda. Gah.

But I'm cheery right now.

Haha, he's at school again but his dad isn't gonna be out for terribly long.

So it's getting increasingly difficult for me to not just curl up next to him all of the time always. I got visibly upset yesterday and he wrote me a little note to me about how I need to stop thinking that nobody would date me and blah blah blah... Because I went on a little rant about it earlier, and because he's a sweetheart. I don't think it had quite the intended effect but it was still very nice of him.

I'm at his (Guy-I-Like's) house right now, but he's at school. Haha. Yesterday I watched Coraline while he was out, today I watched the first two episodes of Scrubs. And I listened to The Wall on vinyl. I am definitely smitten with the sound of vinyl. It's a problem... Once I'm living on my own I'm going to have a hard time remembering that I need food more than I need music... There are lots of beans and rice are in my future...

I'm the only one in my group of close friends that isn't dating someone now.

:'D

But to be fair, the only person I'd like to be dating is in the aforementioned group of non-single friends.

It's so weird because, the stuff he tells me, I'm convinced that we practically feel the same way about each other except he doesn't have romantic feelings for me... Like, it seems like the security and comfort stuff is mutual... I don't really know what to think of that. Like, the mutuality is really freaking awesome... But I still want that dumbass romance shit.

A pretty impressive trip actually. Go me and planning skills. :D

I'm visiting a childhood friend, guy-I-like, and another good friend, and then coming back. It's gonna be super awesome and there will be lots of dancing and cupcakes and discussions about zombie takeovers and other pretty sweet things.

Today has been alright. I mean, I'm sick and that's not alright. I felt like I was gonna throw up last night so I had to lie on my back and stay there. I'm pretty restless when I'm falling asleep usually so that was hard for me.

I woke up really dehydrated too which sucked. And I've had a headache all day. XP

Oh, and my cat peed on my portfolio envelope. I was not happy. No artwork was harmed thank goodness but now the thing smells like cat piss. Not cool. :/

I told centerfielder I'd name my next journal that, so I did.

Haha. My cat is so so desperate for my attention right now. I was in the other room talking to my dad and she was like *makes loud, sad sounding noise at* and I went to pet her and she dashed away to my room. And then when I didn't follow her she came back and did it again. Now that I'm in my room and on my computer she's sitting on my lap. But she spent a good amount of time rubbing her face on my hands trying to get me to pet her instead of type.

I'm gonna kick her off to play guitar though. She'll have to deal.

[I take forever to write these things like.. You have no idea.]

Haha, I'm always in a good mood after I talk to him. :P It's kind of pathetic but whatever. It's a good pathetic.

He mentioned that he thinks he has a six-pack the other day. (That is to say, abs.) I was like... Guh... Sexual or not I am definitely attracted to that... >_>;;