Well, not actually. But I think I made a comparison the other day that went along the lines of "the chances of OK Go not having confetti are like the chances of a pig flying through my window"? Well... They didn't have confetti. We were outdoors and it was Earthfest and they didn't want to pollute the river with bits of papery happiness, so it makes sense.

SO TODAY WAS AWESOME.

I have been in a near-euphoric state since about 2:30 today, which is non-coincidentally, when OK Go started playing... But then, not only did awesome stuff happen, it was awesome stuff that was caused by me... So now I feel pretty fantastic.

And just yeah.

I feel like I'm going to explode rainbows and sunshine. You should've seen me today. Dancing to myself at T stops and bus stations with this huge fucking grin plastered onto my face.

Like. All day.

Looking ridiculous and dancing to myself.

In Boston.

Yup.

:]

I'm not even gonna look at that thread after my last post. It's just gonna upset me and there's no point. Waste of energy.

SO INSTEAD. Here is a beautiful alternative to that "Born This Way" song. It makes me happy. (Would've posted it even if that thread wasn't dragged up, because it's just awesome.)

So... I woke up a couple of hours ago because I had to pee. But I didn't feel like moving and my cat was being cuddly so I ended up staying up... Then I finally got up to pee and then I was like "hmm. Computer"

So now I'm still up.

Haha.

BUT THERE IS THUNDER AND LIGHTNING OUT AND IT'S AWESOME. Worth staying up for.

Makes me miss Teal though, he loves these things more than I do... :P (Not that there's much that -doesn't- make me miss him but that's entirely beside the point.)

...are really fucking annoying.

Sometimes I'm convinced that things are better this way, because we are really good friends, and I like that. Other times I worry that I've screwed that up too somehow. And the rest of the time I just want to run my fingers through his hair and over his stomach and kiss his neck.

Goddammit.

What business does he have being so freaking attractive anyway? That's not fair.

So today I got a call from my surgeon saying that the payment is due tomorrow...

Two things I want to make clear:

I was told that the payment was due two weeks before surgery. Not three. I understand that they've changed offices since then and that there may have been a mix-up. But I am also not responsible for the fact that I was not informed.

My dad already sent a payment; it's in the mail and hasn't reached them yet. It might not reach them until after tomorrow... He sent it under the impression that it had a week and a half to get there.

Agh. You know how sometimes you just -really- want to be in a relationship or something? It's like that.

I don't even remember what it's like to kiss someone but I remember really liking it. :P I bet it's better with someone you're actually attracted to and who actually thinks of you as the person you are (as opposed to a person you aren't)

Red and his girlfriend broke up. Really long story. I don't really feel like getting into it but can I just say that I really hate that they both come to me when they're having relationship problems. It's like. Gah. My brain nearly exploded into a thousand tiny pieces.

---

So sometimes when I'm feeling a particular combination of dysphoric and artistic, I strip and take pictures of myself.

I guess it's a method of reclaiming my body.

...Most of the pictures turn out pretty badly.. As it turns out it's pretty difficult to portray something you view as grotesque in a non-grotesque fashion. (Not to mention that taking photographs of yourself is a task on it's own.)

But I really like this one...

SO BEAUTIFUL. AND AMAZING.

GUYSGUYS. If there is gonna be aSlutWalk in your area GO TO IT.

Everyone there was incredibly inclusive (Well. It wasn't perfect. There was one speaker that had a poem that was pretty cissexist and did a good job of belittling the experiences of male survivors... But that was only once, and other than that it was incredibly inclusive.) And so supportive and beautiful and I just wanted to hug everyone a thousand times and tell them how beautiful they were.

And I nearly cried probably.

Andyeah.

So I have a social anxiety thing. Okay. Fine. Whatever.

It's usually manageable.

Except for when people show up at my house unannounced.

I seriously can not handle that. It makes my brain explode and my stomach turn and my heart race and I hate it.

Only I'm too stupid to tell people not to do that because I don't want them to feel bad.

So I just lock myself in my room.

And hope they'll go away.

Which is way worse. Probably for both of us.

...I'm panicking right now.

All of this medical shit has gotten me past my fear of calling people... Am I over it? Not really. But I just don't give myself time to think/freak out about it before I call people anymore. |D;

Haha. Very funny uterus. You got me.

:P

I got like, the weekend off and then it's back to cramps and bloatyness and bleeding again.

I was really frustrated by this earlier but now I'm just kinda like "figures".

Soyeah... I don't really have the energy to be frustrated anyway. I don't have the energy for anything really. I'm just worn out now.

And thanks you guys for being so supportive. I still don't know why you put up with me, but thanks.

You can just ignore this if you want.

[Warning for insecurity and anxiety and maybe self harm and eating disorders and I don't even know what else.]

I just need to vent... About everything. And I know you don't really care and you wish I'd shut up and stop being so goddamn negative and paranoid about every fucking thing but I just need to get this all out somewhere and that's what this site is for. You don't have to read it.

I just... God I don't even know where to begin.

Welp.

I have a problem.

But I don't think anyone would even take me seriously if I explained it to them.

.___.