Feels like Friday today, it's making me nuts. :P

Tomorrow is Senior Skip day but it's also the day of my Mythology test and this is important because A) It's a test, B) on test days we have a different lunch because our lunch is usually in the middle of the class. It was going to be first lunch but first lunch is too full so now we're going to have fourth lunch. This works because the cute kid from guitar class also has fourth lunch.

Do you ever feel like you could be missing out on something right in front of you because you're too stuck on something else that you can't have?

Sometimes I need to take a step back.

And sometimes I need to take a step forward.

I should do something about this.

I feel like crap, again. Partially because it's Valentines day and partially because I'm sick and partially because I am a complete moron. 8D;

But I don't really feel like talking about it so this'll be my shortest journal entry ever.

:P

I still feel like a jerk for posting so much in one day but I guess I'm thoughtful when I'm home sick/bored out of my skull/avoiding boring mythology homework.

I'm in the mood for ranting about kind of pointless things, such as.

DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN the word "calorie" meant "The amount of energy stored in food?"

Because they're selling low-calorie Gatorade now. It doesn't make any sense to me. AT ALL. And I feel the need to rant about this because it seems like everyone has COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN what calories are.

Thanks everyone who commented on my last journal. :)

Have been making a full attempt at becoming outsides.

I was bedridden all evening yesterday, like, I decided to take a nap when I got home, and then I woke up with a fever. JOY.

And then felt like I was going to throw up whenever I like, moved. And I did a few times. But I was pretty much stuck laying on my back weather I could get back to sleep or not. I couldn't even shift to lying on my side because that made me super nauseated and feel like puking again. So now my whole back is stiff due to not moving around much.

Apparently with the start of Feburary so comes the talk of Valentines day.

And you know, it wouldn't be so bad if it -ended- with Valentines day, but it seems like everyone gets together in the spring. Valentines day is just the start.

It also reminds me that prom is coming up, slowly but surely. It's a pain in the freaking ass to get the school to let someone from outside the district come to prom but the only people I'd take, even in a platonic fashion, are all, guess what? From outside the district (as well as the state in most cases.) Fun stuff. :P

Ohman, so many! I found a recipe for vegan biscuits... It made 16... I could only eat 3. They were good, but they were also biscuits, you just can't 16 of those.

I started my dreads yesterday. (DREADLOCKS. WOOO! I'm really excited about this.) So I sort of have newbie dreads now. It'll be interesting keeping them from falling out until they tighten up/ my hair gets longer. Because my hair is pretty freaking short. But eh, this is also my hair and it's far more prone to tangling than detangling so I'm just going to go with the flow and see how this goes. :)

Finished that essay!

Now I need to get my dad to write his, and my friend to write his... And an e-mail together. And proof of the fact that we can't afford this surgery. And a copy of the letter from my therapist.

But the hard part is done! :D

Honestly, I don't feel like I'm living. I'm alive, but I'm not living. Like I'm in a state of suspension, and I'm just breathing for the time being because I can't just fall asleep and wake up when it's over.

I just, don't know how to deal with this.

You know, some kids want a car and an iPod touch and a new phone and expensive clothing and all I want is to be able to look in the fucking mirror and see -me-.

I'm stupid.

But it doesn't bother me any more.

I'm not IN love you know. I just love. It's stupid because I told myself to get over him, and I guess I did. But I love him now and it scares me a little because his life is moving and mine... isn't.

He's getting surgery and going to college and I'm staying here hoping that I can find the money for surgery, so that I -can- get surgery too, but it probably won't be for a while. Then I'll go to college, but probably not the same one as him. And I want him to make friends when he gets to college but... I'm afraid he'll forget about me.

Right now I'm contemplating whether or not I should say something potentially embarrassing to both parties involved. Is it okay to jokingly flirt with someone that you used to have a crush on but wasn't interested in you because he'd rather have a crazy long-distance relationship but it's okay because you care too much about him to care if you're in an actual 'relationship' with him? I just don't know. I don't want to make him uncomfortable.

You'll never guess who I lie to the most.

Myself.

It's a problem for me, and it scares me, because I don't want to be like my mom. My mom does it to the point where she's delusional.

I only really lie to myself about my feelings. Before it was "I'm not a boy, I'm not trans, I'm a girl" and often it was now it's something a lot less distressing, but distressing nonetheless. My most recent lie is "I'm over him."

So I decided that being over/ not wanting a relationship with someone doesn't mean not wanting to see him more often or wanting to talk to him more. I guess it doesn't help that I'm so far removed from most of my friends, like, I hardly ever miss anyone. Just my sister and that guy (Blackbelt boy) really. I'm not interested in romance but I still feel really strongly about him, I'm just not sure what to call it...

I just watercolored the best giraffe in the world...

Seriously.

Haha, only, not really. =P

It's mad colorful because it's for some random freshman (I think) at GSA and she likes giraffes and bright colors (or, I'm hoping she does. ) and so it's a really trippy giraffe. I'm gonna scan him in, and spray the back, then I'll cut down the paper tomorrow in art class. I don't know how to wrap it though... It's a picture. |D;