I love the rain...

But it stops me from taking photographs outside.

:(

As TotalGeek will tell you, I am obsessed with my camera. In fact, I would venture to say that I'm more obsessed with my camera than he his with NPH or Doctor Who.

Which is pretty significant.

Now I find that I've got all of this great stuff. But I don't know what to do with it. A little while ago I wrote down a plethora of photoshoot ideas, but hmmm. I dunno. Maybe I should do something simpler.

Sorry if I like, made you worry or something. I guess it took some freaking out about my freaking out to help me to not freak out. It also helped to hear back from that school I'm doing a pre-college-summer-program at. I'm really excited for that, I got a scholarship and I got to pick a room with a window (Because some of the dorms don't have windows.) and it's going to be super awesome. I'm still not feeling 100%, but I feel better.

I'm so depressing recently.

It's disgusting. I hate it.

I want to live goddamn it.

I can't live with this.

I have my limits you know? I think I've reached that limit. I'm starting to slip and I can feel it and it's scary. I don't want to hurt myself but it's comforting to think that it would be okay if I did, which is scary.

I hardly ever take my binder off anymore. I somehow convince myself to take it off before going to sleep. But I wear it around the house and everywhere. Tighter too, I don't know why I wear it so tight, it doesn't actually do anything for it's binding ability and it's more uncomfortable. But I guess part of me feels like it's actually doing more and therefore I freak out a little if I can't feel it constantly.

Yeah. So I guess this means I have issues.

What else is new?

EDIT:

Okay so I'm still stupid but for different reasons.

I took a nap and now I'm miraculously almost completely over him. I guess this whole ordeal was a good push in the right direction.

I can name a few, lead, gold, tungsten, Blackbelt's head... Hehe.

Okay so I think I mentioned how I sort of slipped into conversation that I still kinda like him. Well somehow all other subjects of conversation were dropped (and I never really drop conversation subjects in e-mail just because I like to write a lot.) and he went from responding once every few days to a lot more frequently, like, once or twice a day. Though for all I know he could just reeallyyy like having his ego stroked. :P

(Pssh.)

I would probably drink more water and be less dehydrated all of the time if I didn't hate public bathrooms so much.

Yep. I signed on at 6:20 in the morning to tell you guys that.

So I sort of slipped into an e-mail with Blackbelt that I'm not quite entirely over him but it's not bugging me. So far he hasn't said anything conclusive either way about how he feels about me, only that he wouldn't want to be in a relationship with anyone because of the lack of physical contact, which happened to be the subject at hand in which I slipped the thing about not quite being over him yet into. Did you follow all of that?

I'm pretty sure this just means he's being oblivious. He does that sometimes... Oftentimes.

I'm usually in a good mood after being in school for a while, but getting dressed kind of depresses me, like to the point where I don't want to eat... And then I get to school and immediately regret that I haven't eaten breakfast.

In other news, my best friend K is (very) convinced that Blackbelt should be in a relationship with me and not Long Distance Boy. It's kind of awkward. He's also convinced that the moment I'm over him he's going to confess his feelings for me.

Sorry, language. I know.

I'm going to cut them off myself if someone else doesn't do it for me soon I swear. I really can't deal with this anymore, I haven't BEEN able to deal with this. My dad had a job interview the other day, they turned him down. Like, you know, everyone else. Fun stuff. I wouldn't care so much because we've been getting by, but I NEED this surgery and without this surgery it's not really like "getting by" anymore. I can't stand it. I can't stand it. I can't stand it.

I was without interwebs for nearly a week. It was distressing, mostly because I have an online class and that + no internet connection = distressing. XP

But it's all better now and I can rant at you guys about stuff again.

I've officially decided that I don't know (or care) how I feel about Blackbelt in terms of "romance" or whatever. It's dumb. I feel over him, I see him, then I don't. And then I do again. Whatever. It doesn't make a difference unless he's interested which I doubt. Haha. Though I mean, if he were I don't want him to think I wouldn't be.

I have been trying so hard to get over him, I really have. I've tried being interested in other people, which didn't work. I've tried telling myself I'm over him in order to get over him but that only works when I don't see him. I've tried distracting myself or telling myself this and that and the other thing.

But you know what? I think I gave up a while ago, I'm just acknowledging it now.

So yeah.

It's dumb because, I don't want a physical relationship anyway. And I'm not even jealous, so I dunno what my problem is.

I forgot how much I loathe getting ready in the morning over vacation. It's seriously the most depressing part of the day because it's like "Oh yeah Ash you have to put a binder on and you hate those" and it's also when I shower and I obviously have to be naked for that and ughhh.

One day I'll be able to see myself in the mirror, even without clothes. I don't know how long it'll take but it'll happen one day, and that'll be the happiest day of my life.

So this is what caring about people is like eh?

It's stressful.

I haven't been updating recently because I can't think of anything not ranty or stupid to say. :P I end up writing paragraphs of journal and just deleting them because they are ranty and stupid.

I've been playing unhealthy amounts of pokemon recently.

And I bought Thirteenth Step by A Perfect Circle on a whim. Best impulse buy I've made in a while.

And my mom apparently doesn't like me much. But eh. I guess I'm kind of used to that. She didn't show much interest in seeing me when she came up for her hearing.

I'm going to want there to be a test every day in Mythology now. XD

I ended up sitting with two of the hottest guys at school at lunch today. Well, in my opinion anyway. :P I sat with Guitar-class-kid who I haven't spoken to since guitar class ended, and that kid I was talking about earlier this year, I think I called him "Giraffe" or something.

So yeah. I'm awesome.

...That's all I really wanted to say. I mean, I've got other crazy stuff going on but I don't feel the need to talk about it. So there. :P