Okay, so last night I had this dream where I saved TotalGeek's BUTT. (Which doesn't make much sense because he's the one with Martial Arts experience... But it's a dream so..) And then, after waking myself up in order to write it down. (That's literally why I woke up.) I had ANOTHER dream about it... It was like, the overdone, poorly written sequel... With whales. Angry ones.

Dude. I think you owe me. (TotalGeek that is. For the rest of this entry just assume 2nd person pronouns are talking about him.)

Turns out that I can't lounge around the house without wearing a binder. I can't even be in my room by myself without a binder. It didn't used to bother me but now it -really- does. Sorry ribs, you're going to have to deal.

I'll give my chest a break when I sleep, don't worry.

I can't talk to my dad anymore. If I do he'll just get upset because I can't trust him to make the money for my surgery on time. I go to him with everything. I don't know what to do now.

When I've been trying to learn a song for what seems like forever, and I've almost got it down but then my wrist starts crapping out on me because I've been playing guitar too much and the damn thing is too small. (I have a junior guitar.)

Go me.

So still no Classical Gas, at least, not quite. ALLMOOSSTTT THEREE.

It's that goddamn sequence of barre chords. Well that and the chorus. It's hard. But it's a great piece so it'll be awesome once I know it really well and can play it all the way through without thinking about it.

...

There's so much that I need to rant out that it's not coming out at all. I wrote this huge vent and deleted it because it was stupid.

I kind of want to cry.

...

So a lot of you know how insanely uncomfortable with physical intimacy I am, because I've got this tendency to go on about it. Well there actually is a reason for it. It's killing me keeping it to myself and I can't tell most of my friends because they'll know who I'm taking about and I don't want them to judge her for it. Because it's not her fault.

Okay, so I was listening to music on Pandora, and it was like "HEY. WANNA SEE A CONDOM AD?"

Which I thought was kind of funny but completely irrelevant. Apparently Trojan has a station too, for it's "FIRE and ICE" condoms that is. Even better is that they're triple tested. Triple tested condoms. Yup.

Delicious.

Okay... That's all I had to say really. It's late and nothing really makes sense anymore. Going to sleep soon. I stayed up for the meteor shower but there's all of this water vapor pollution (clouds) getting in the way. I don't have high hopes for tomorrow either. Oh well. :P

So, today I was in a crummy mood due to the whole "supposed to be on a hospital bed somewhere flat-chested and knocked out on pain meds" thing.

I'm still in a crummy mood about that. But if I had been in the hospital today I wouldn't have found a tree growing out from under a storm drain.

So now that I've gotten over my 'needing to be social' thing from after NHIA, I'm back to being Mr.Distant.

I feel kind of bad for my friends...

I just don't feel attached to people very often. It's hard for me to get close and it's hard for me to stay close. I don't miss people very often either. Not really.

I like being this way, it's comfortable. I don't like to be emotionally reliant on others. But I guess it's kind of cold, and not normal. :I

Woah.

This is a lot.

...I don't really want advice. I just want to sort out my thoughts. Writing is a good mode of thought-sorting.

I hate how when I get a crush on someone I don't really want to talk about much else... It's annoying.

...I blame evolution.

Scheduled for February now..

Though I'm not going to believe that I'm getting surgery in February until it's paid in full.

...

I kind of want to put something through a wall right now.

I have a lot on my mind today okay?

Listening to some different music recently. Usually the stuff I listen to is kind of techno or eletronica type music with heavy classical influence and sort of just rocky enough to be classified under rock alternative but enough other stuff that it can't really be classified under everything. And then there's some stuff I listen to that's just like, modern classical or somesuch. And then there's stuff that can only be described as "indie".

You know what would be nice?

Having a mother who cared about me.

You know what? She could be an overprotective asshole who gives me an insane curfew and grounds me over petty shit. At least I'd know that she -cared-. I'd prefer that to this.

Yesterday was fun. Hung out with an awesome girl in an awesome city. Was mad nervous for the first hour. But then I got over it. I was still -really- quiet though. Now she's going to go to some awesome camp that she loves the shit out of for three weeks and probably meet someone much more attractive than me. While I'm going to sit at home wishing I were at some camp, not necessarily the same as her, just away from home and family and stuff, I don't want to deal with them right now.

Sooooooo nervoussssssss.

A part of me is convinced that she doesn't realize that I want to date her. And the other part of me says that part of me is stupid because I literally asked her out and I know she's not completely oblivious like that other kid.

So maybe she just wants me to buy her stuff, or an excuse to go somewhere... Or something. A part of me actually wants that to be the case because then I won't have to worry about this scary relationship stuff and I can go back to hiding in my hole.