Sorry, language. I know.

I'm going to cut them off myself if someone else doesn't do it for me soon I swear. I really can't deal with this anymore, I haven't BEEN able to deal with this. My dad had a job interview the other day, they turned him down. Like, you know, everyone else. Fun stuff. I wouldn't care so much because we've been getting by, but I NEED this surgery and without this surgery it's not really like "getting by" anymore. I can't stand it. I can't stand it. I can't stand it.

I was without interwebs for nearly a week. It was distressing, mostly because I have an online class and that + no internet connection = distressing. XP

But it's all better now and I can rant at you guys about stuff again.

I've officially decided that I don't know (or care) how I feel about Blackbelt in terms of "romance" or whatever. It's dumb. I feel over him, I see him, then I don't. And then I do again. Whatever. It doesn't make a difference unless he's interested which I doubt. Haha. Though I mean, if he were I don't want him to think I wouldn't be.

I have been trying so hard to get over him, I really have. I've tried being interested in other people, which didn't work. I've tried telling myself I'm over him in order to get over him but that only works when I don't see him. I've tried distracting myself or telling myself this and that and the other thing.

But you know what? I think I gave up a while ago, I'm just acknowledging it now.

So yeah.

It's dumb because, I don't want a physical relationship anyway. And I'm not even jealous, so I dunno what my problem is.

I forgot how much I loathe getting ready in the morning over vacation. It's seriously the most depressing part of the day because it's like "Oh yeah Ash you have to put a binder on and you hate those" and it's also when I shower and I obviously have to be naked for that and ughhh.

One day I'll be able to see myself in the mirror, even without clothes. I don't know how long it'll take but it'll happen one day, and that'll be the happiest day of my life.

So this is what caring about people is like eh?

It's stressful.

I haven't been updating recently because I can't think of anything not ranty or stupid to say. :P I end up writing paragraphs of journal and just deleting them because they are ranty and stupid.

I've been playing unhealthy amounts of pokemon recently.

And I bought Thirteenth Step by A Perfect Circle on a whim. Best impulse buy I've made in a while.

And my mom apparently doesn't like me much. But eh. I guess I'm kind of used to that. She didn't show much interest in seeing me when she came up for her hearing.

I'm going to want there to be a test every day in Mythology now. XD

I ended up sitting with two of the hottest guys at school at lunch today. Well, in my opinion anyway. :P I sat with Guitar-class-kid who I haven't spoken to since guitar class ended, and that kid I was talking about earlier this year, I think I called him "Giraffe" or something.

So yeah. I'm awesome.

...That's all I really wanted to say. I mean, I've got other crazy stuff going on but I don't feel the need to talk about it. So there. :P

Feels like Friday today, it's making me nuts. :P

Tomorrow is Senior Skip day but it's also the day of my Mythology test and this is important because A) It's a test, B) on test days we have a different lunch because our lunch is usually in the middle of the class. It was going to be first lunch but first lunch is too full so now we're going to have fourth lunch. This works because the cute kid from guitar class also has fourth lunch.

Do you ever feel like you could be missing out on something right in front of you because you're too stuck on something else that you can't have?

Sometimes I need to take a step back.

And sometimes I need to take a step forward.

I should do something about this.

I feel like crap, again. Partially because it's Valentines day and partially because I'm sick and partially because I am a complete moron. 8D;

But I don't really feel like talking about it so this'll be my shortest journal entry ever.

:P

I still feel like a jerk for posting so much in one day but I guess I'm thoughtful when I'm home sick/bored out of my skull/avoiding boring mythology homework.

I'm in the mood for ranting about kind of pointless things, such as.

DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN the word "calorie" meant "The amount of energy stored in food?"

Because they're selling low-calorie Gatorade now. It doesn't make any sense to me. AT ALL. And I feel the need to rant about this because it seems like everyone has COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN what calories are.

Thanks everyone who commented on my last journal. :)

Have been making a full attempt at becoming outsides.

I was bedridden all evening yesterday, like, I decided to take a nap when I got home, and then I woke up with a fever. JOY.

And then felt like I was going to throw up whenever I like, moved. And I did a few times. But I was pretty much stuck laying on my back weather I could get back to sleep or not. I couldn't even shift to lying on my side because that made me super nauseated and feel like puking again. So now my whole back is stiff due to not moving around much.

Apparently with the start of Feburary so comes the talk of Valentines day.

And you know, it wouldn't be so bad if it -ended- with Valentines day, but it seems like everyone gets together in the spring. Valentines day is just the start.

It also reminds me that prom is coming up, slowly but surely. It's a pain in the freaking ass to get the school to let someone from outside the district come to prom but the only people I'd take, even in a platonic fashion, are all, guess what? From outside the district (as well as the state in most cases.) Fun stuff. :P

Ohman, so many! I found a recipe for vegan biscuits... It made 16... I could only eat 3. They were good, but they were also biscuits, you just can't 16 of those.

I started my dreads yesterday. (DREADLOCKS. WOOO! I'm really excited about this.) So I sort of have newbie dreads now. It'll be interesting keeping them from falling out until they tighten up/ my hair gets longer. Because my hair is pretty freaking short. But eh, this is also my hair and it's far more prone to tangling than detangling so I'm just going to go with the flow and see how this goes. :)

Finished that essay!

Now I need to get my dad to write his, and my friend to write his... And an e-mail together. And proof of the fact that we can't afford this surgery. And a copy of the letter from my therapist.

But the hard part is done! :D