Forgive me if I fail at making sense or something, I just had a rootbeer float (SOY ICECREAM FTW. And it's that good stuff too, not that "lol I taste like mashed seeds" stuff.) and those things tend to put me on sugar highs.

GUESS WHO FOUND OUT THEY HAD ANOTHER SON TODAY?

Guess who totally hated the idea of me changing my name?

Guess who may have serious health problems?

The answer to all three of those questions is my mom.

I came out to her today. Fun stuff. She's all like "OH BUT YOU WERE SUCH A GIRL WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE!" and you have no idea how much it pisses me off for people to use stuff like that to say "but you can't possibly be a boy!" UGHHHHHH...

And I'm about to bash my Aunt's skull in because she found out shortly after my dad did but she still acts like I MUST be a fucking girl and I'm just confused and couldn't possibly be serious about this. She hasn't even made an effort to get used to my new name or pronouns. And she makes jokes about me being a girl. Like that's okay. It's NOT okay. I'm insecure enough as it IS thanks. But sure, you can just dump truckloads onto that. I don't mind.

So, anyways. My mom decided that since I decided to bring up how I was talking about a mastectomy months ago, it'd be totally relevant to bring up a possibility of her having breast cancer at the same time.

JOY.

Okay, so now not only is my mom delusional, and not initially very open to the idea of me being a boy. But she might have CANCER.

As much as I dislike her, I don't want her to have cancer. I want her to be healthy.

So yeah.

I don't know how I handle all of this. It's a miracle that I haven't gone mad. Or maybe I did go mad, but I just don't realize it because I'm that far gone.

Do you ever feel like exploding? Like, supernova style?

So yesterday we were supposed to illustrate a wish in Graphics Design class. It took me half of the class to think of something "appropriate". Because I kept thinking back to the divorce, the gender dysphoria, my mom, and my sister. None of which I really wanted to let the class, or the teacher know about. Eventually I decided that I wanted my own planet to colonize and all of those open-minded peaceful people could live there with me. And if anyone decides to be a bigot or start a war or something, they get sent back to earth. :)

Okay I think I'm done ranting now... 0w0

~Liam

P.S. This is what I did in class:

I SUCKED at being a girl.

And now I suck at being a boy.

Only less.

According to my awesome gay librarian, I hit like a girl. So she had K, the annoying gay senior who talks about himself FAR too much. Give some examples. Gee thanks, like I wasn't aware of how girly I was previously just let the world know. XD;

I was more annoyed at K because according to him I don't officially count as a guy. But I think he only says that because he likes being the "sole male" of the GSA at the moment, it gives him an excuse to complain about the lack of guys.

So I went to Anime club today. I was surprised because I wasn't expecting everyone to read me as male. I mean, I go through the trouble of binding and crap but I always feel like I'm walking on thin ice. And some of these people have met me before so it was weird.... And stuff.

So one guy calls me a lady as an insult. (Because he has a superiority complex and is an immortal-wannabe and likes to bluff and pick on people. I think it's just because he's trying to compensate for his shortness.) Which was funny because I didn't realize that it was just that. And I was like "What? I'm a boy." And then I was like "Crap, he didn't mean that litterally." (in my head) Maybe I'm a little paranoid.

Ok, I AM paranoid. I'm overly self concious about my chest and my voice. I'm gonna go nuts one of these days.

Another nice thing about being a guy is that now it's okay for people to pick on A for clinging to me. Which is nice because I wish she wouldn't, and maybe people thinking that she's striaght will be enough to get her off.. XD; Though, she got annoyed at me because this kid asks if we're going out (her fault mind you) and I made gagging noises. So she glared at me and then she chased me. But I still managed to outrun her despite my lack-of-ability-to-breathe.

Umm what else? Oh. HERO is a really good book. And it's gonna cause me to fail English. Because it's SOO hard to read stuff for English class when that book is RIGHT THERE shouting READ ME! READ ME!

Seriously though, it's awesome. It's about a superhero kid who happens to be gay. You should read it. Now.

Done ranting now I think.

~Riku

EDIT: I'm kind of pissed at my aunt because she's fine with trans people, and with me being trans, sort of. But she hasn't bothered to try to get used to my new name, or pronouns, or see me as male at all. And not only that, but she thinks it's funny. She makes jokes about me being a girl. And it's not funny. I mean, I'm insecure enough as it is without your help thanks.

YES I'm complaining about the same friend I complained about during the spring. I'm getting anxiety about this whole ordeal again.

Okay, so I'm not one for tons of physical contact. I get at least twenty hugs from her during the day, not to mention she tends to get in my face, and grab me and drag me off and poke me and stuff. I've been trying to hint at her (first subtly and then not-so-subtly.) but she doesn't take a hint. I don't bother to hug her back anymore but that doesn't help any.

And I'm still annoyed at her because she has no sense of other's privacy and she has this tendency to out me to people. And it's obnoxious.

And she's wicked judgmental of people and labels people and stuff. "OH I don't like people like that." "OH I HATE him now." "OH it was one of those preppy girls."

And plus I see her before and after school. She does all of the same clubs that I do. And sometimes we walk home together too. And even with all of that she expects me to make time for her in my weekends as well. I can't stand to be around her that much. (Especially since she's the kind of person who'd take my shirt off because she wanted to see me in a tank top (I was wearing one under the shirt because it was a white shirt.) and then take PICTURES and refuse to delete them until I start crying. Which I doubt she'd do again. (Considering I'd be likely to RIP HER HEAD OFF.) but it's still not the best of memories.)

As of now she basically acts like she's my girlfriend. Which drives me nuts. Because A) she HAS a girlfriend. and B) I'd never be able to date her, EVER. It'd be a disaster, and that's an understatement. and C) I'm so very sick of everyone thinking that we're an item. Oh and of course there's the fact that if I spend too much time around her I basically have anxiety attacks like this. >_o;;;;;

But it's not like I can stop talking to her because that would devastate her, and I'd feel bad. And my other friends would either hate me just for not talking to her, or hate me once she decides it's okay to tell everyone what a horrible person I am. (She did that when the other FTM she was flirting with decided he didn't want to hang around her anymore. She got all "OH THAT PERSON. I HATE HER." every time he was mentioned, and even when he wasn't.)

But I really am getting to the point where I want to explode. What am I supposed to do?

~Riku

I saw a therapist over my gender yesterday. She's worked with a lot of FTM's so yeah. I spoke with her with my dad. And it was relieving I think. For some reason you don't see a lot of trans people talking about their therapy experience.

It's a little weird though, apparently insurance companies don't want to cover gender-dysphoria with their mental-health-thing..

So... We faked them out. XD;

But I feel better now because, I dunno. I guess it finally hit me that what I'm going through is perfectly okay and normal and worrying about what other people think comes after that. I mean, it's something I KNEW, but I didn't believe entirely. It also hit me that it's something I can do something about.

I'm a little worried that my Mom won't agree to let me get any kind of medical treatment or my name changed though. Out of spite for me. There are things we can do about it if she does, but I mean, that kind of betrayal just scares me, and she's already betrayed me. I can't trust her anymore.

I haven't spoken to her in forever.

But on a different note, I can't help feeling like I have to prove my masculinity. I'm not a very masculine person, I'm just a girlish boy rather than a boyish girl. I keep telling myself that since I really am a boy, it'll become apparent. But part of me doesn't believe that.

Blehhhh...

~Riku

Okay, so every year this school sends out a form and it's all like "LOL you have a "race" thing and it has to be one of THESE." And the choices are like "Back, white, African American, Native American, Alaskan, Asian blah blah blah" and I'm like A) Why the hell do they care about my "Race" It really doesn't matter towards my education. B) I'm not ANY of those things. I'm a mutt, so I've got African in me... Well, technically EVERYONE is African. But Some of my ancestors hung out in Russia and Germany somewheres along the line. And C) why can nobody make up their mind what "Race" I am. My "Vital Statistics" from when I was born say I'm "White" but I'm always being called "Black" and "African American" and such. It's ridiculous.

Okay, in other news, I see a therapist on Saturday. I feel a little weird about that. It's like the next step for me I guess. But I like, have no idea what's up or down. Oh and crap. I'll have to miss Capoeira. D: I totally forgot about that. Darn, and I was looking forward to it. I'm starting to get the hang of it. And if you can get the footwork down right everything flows so perfect. It's so much fun. Sad that I'm missing it. Bleh.

And, I kind of have this fear that she's gonna tell me, "No you're not transgender, you're just a lesbian" even though I know she won't because she's worked with a lot of transgender people. But I'm so used to people thinking they know my head better than I do and making the wrong judgments. Although, I figure, since I really am a boy, it'll show.

And I feel kind of weird lately because I'm not "passing" all of the time. And I've still got friends who think of me as female. And I dunno. I just don't like being in this in-between spot. I want to be seen as "male", but I want my like, official gender to be transmale. Because like, I don't think "MALE" works for me entirely, because I did spend a good amount of time being "female". And that's a part of me too, I don't want to disregard it. But the stupid gender binary is confining. "YOU'RE MALE or YOU'RE FEMALE. THERE IS NO IN BETWEEN" D:

And, I'm worried that my mom won't sign for me to get my name changed (In my state you need both parents signatures if you're a minor) when I decide to prompt her on it, (Which I'll probably do soon after this therapy thing gets rolling and I figure out what I need to do or whatever.) not because she doesn't like me being trans, but out of spite for me, you know, in general. Because she's the kind of person to do that. And I really want to change my name (legally, (as opposed to illegally XD)) as soon as possible. But I haven't spoken to my mom much since I got back from Florida. And she's shown no signs of respect for me (or my privacy). -_-;

And I don't want to wait until I'm 18 if possible. Because that's irksome. I'm hoping to get my license next year, and it'll be annoying to have the thing say my girl name on it. (Well, the "Gender: F" thing will be annoying also. But I'll have to deal with that for now.) I don't get why people make such a big fugging deal about what's between your legs or what color your skin is. Or what part of the world you got that skin color from. It's what's between your ears that matters, all of this racial and gender bias (As well as other dumb biases) is just fabricated BS that's really starting to get on my nerves.

Speaking of which, my Graphics Design teacher is really sexist. She gets all "I tell the cute girls to help boys because it helps them concentrate." And stuff. And I'm like, well A) that's stupid, because guys often just get more distracted about having a cute girl over their shoulder directing them. And B) What if the guy is gay? XD I mean seriously.

Oh gawds, we're doing this "12 reasons" project in that class. I'm so tempted to do something like "12 reasons to crossdress" And I could have like, 6 reasons for girls to crossdress, and 6 reasons for boys. but I get the feeling that wouldn't go over very well with my teacher, or my classmates. XD; (I see it now "Are you GAY!?" (Me: "Yes and no?")*gasp of dramatic* "OMG he's GAY!" "Well that makes sense because he's got awesome designing skills of fabulous." And I should stop now because I obviously ate some bad grapes.) It'd be hilarious though.

Also, I need to study. So I'm gonna go. :O

Besides the tests I've got to do, tomorrow should be pretty fabulous as well, I need to draw some stupid stuff for Sora so she doesn't kill me when I don't have a gift... And I really like that word fabulous. It's so artsy.

Ha, my brain like, died and I haven't even started studying yet. XD;

~Riku

So I use DA a lot right? So I'm like "Hey, since my mom is a jerk-face and is trying to use my journal against me, why don't I make a post on the suggestions forum?"

You know what annoys me? People who are LOOKING to get on your case. I said "closed minded to an idea" and suddenly "OH YOU'RE IMMATURE! ACCUSING SOMEONE OF BEING CLOSED MINDED!" when that's not what I said. I just said that they weren't open to an idea that wouldn't do them any harm.

*bangs head on keyboard* I forget how stupid the internet is sometimes.

So now I know that there's no way to suggest things to DA unless 100% of EVERYONE will use and love the feature. Which is impossible, especially with people who want the website to stay EXACTLY AS IT IS for the rest of time. >_>;;;;

I think I'm just complaining about argumentative people in general though, not just the snots who hang out on DA. But snots in general. Is there no such thing as reasonable agreement anymore? Reminds me of my mom... Which isn't a good thing.

*ahem* anyways... I was out of school sick yesterday, and I have a crapload of German work to make up. JOY.

And the "but you're a GIRL" thing is still bugging me, even though my aunt has apologized she still just doesn't get it... At all. DX

ANNNNNDDD. I'm just sick of the world in general, it's got so many ANGRY people in it. If people just took a step back and just tried to see things unbiased and openly, it'd be SO much better.

ALSO, I'm very thankful for the moon, apparently, if we didn't have a moon, the earth would spin haywire and all of the weather would be even more screwed up than it already is. The joys of stumbleupon.

Okay, done now.

So I was more than right about the two lesbians friends of mine flirting with each other. You would have sworn that they had already been going out the way they were acting.

A was there so she just said something, which made me laugh. They're really cute together though, so whatever.

I'm just pissy because I ended up talking about how everyone has someone except for me while we were dropping A off. And I mentioned how all of my friends are lesbians. And my aunt is like "Well you ARE a girl" And I wanted to like, kick her. Female bodied or not, I wouldn't let someone touch me like a girl anyways. (Been there, done that. I ended up crying without an explanation, so I made something up. UGHHH.)

So yeah. That was LOVELY. So as I said. Pissy mood. I mean, it was bad enough that all of my friends are all "LOL I LIKE THIS PERSON A LOT AND I TALK ABOUT THEM ALLLLLL OF THE TIME." But I mean, the "OH BUT WHEN YOUR CLOTHES COME OFF YOU'RE A GIRL" thing was just the icing on the fucking cake.

sdlasdjklsdkljsdfjlksdajlksdf

Oh well. I'll get over the being single thing... I dunno about the "girl" thing though. I just want to be recognized as male, I didn't think I was asking for a whole lot.

~Riku

Difficult, and full of nuts and surprises.

Okay, so the two lesbians that I have/had crushes on and have no chance with are probably/most likely flirting with each other. And are probably going to come over tomorrow and watch a movie with me. (I think I'll drag C along with us just so I don't implode or something.)

Figures right?

But whatever, they're both great people and if they get together I'll be happy for them... For real. They'd be cute together, them and their overwhelming androgyny.

I'm just a little annoyed. Because ALL of my friends have someone in one way or another. And I mean, I MUST be doing something wrong. Even idiot Sora had a girlfriend. Though they broke up over moving, still. >_o;

So I was complaining about this yesterday. (There were like, my 4 closest friends in the car with me.) And A is all like "I'd date you if I didn't have a girlfriend." and I had to hold back a gag because honestly, I wouldn't date her... Ever. I love her and all, but she's my friend, and I couldn't have that kind of relationship with her. It'd be a recipe for disaster. And that's an understatement. It'd probably end up with her in some kind of depression and me in a loony bin. >_>;;;

But yeah, so I'm lonely, what of it? It doesn't help that almost all of my friends are lesbians I'm sure. 0w0 I'm not even sure how that happened.

Also, A is driving me nuts because she's being ridiculously clingy again. And she's always coming up and hugging me, It'd be fine if it were just a hello and a goodbye, but no, it's all of the time, and she squeezes too. I'm not comfortable with that and I wish she wouldn't. >_<; But I dunno how to tell her not too.

So yeah. My rant for the day.

I wish she would just disappear. Cease to exist. Painlessly and just gone. It's become apparent, she wants to destroy my life.

I wrote a journal on DA a while back basically freaking out about the courts decision to have my sister live down there with her instead of up here where she wants to be.

My mom found it and is trying to use it against ME.

I hate her.

And I don't want to hear "oh well she must be having a hard time too. Yaddah yadddah yaddah." There's no fucking excuse for the things she's done or the way she's acted. NONE.

I want her GONE.

You know how sometimes you'll just SEE someone from across the room and you just know that you'll hit it off? Yeah there's this girl, who I feel weird calling a girl because she strikes me as extremely gender neutral. But yeah, I've sort of got a crush on her now. Even though I told myself I wouldn't crush on a freshman. (And there's the whole lesbian thing too, which still kind of bothers me. 0w0)

But anyways she always writes this really vague stuff as her facebook mood like "I hate being lonely in public, will you be my date this Saturday?" And I would LOVE too which is exactly why I'm not willing to say it.

Pffft.

One of these days I'll stop being a coward I swear.

~Riku

Why do I get crushes on lesbians? Does not make sense. DX' Also, I think my hormones decided to wait until Junior year before they started to speak up, because for the first time in my life I'm actually seeing people as "hot" or whatever. Guess I'm just a little late? XD Who cares? I certainly don't.

It bothers me though, because I don't want to force myself into some kind of pseudo-female identity or whatever. Although, now that I think of it, dating a gay guy would be kind of ehhh, because quite bluntly, guys have testosterone. Which leads to libido. I don't think I could deal with that. Most of the time I don't want to be touched sexually at ALL. It's wickedly uncomfortable. And then there are straight girls, most of whom don't know what a transguy is. XD

...There's that girl in my Graphics Design class who has definitely been expressing a little too much interest in me. Probably because I'm a Junior, and she's a freshman. And I know the program better than my teacher. I was hoping today she'd ask me what I was reading so I could tell her "I'm reading Boy Meets Boy, for the second time, it's a great book." and then maybe she'd think I'm gay even though I'm not really and that would be that. XD;

Also, there's a really hot guy in that class, the reckless side of me wants to make him question his sexuality. Just a little. But I have too many self-image issues for that. Maybe once people stop mistaking me for a girl.

It's kind of ridiculous how much I've changed in a year. Last year in GSA I was the quiet one in the corner who didn't really talk to anyone. And now I'm talking to everyone and making friends. This is totally new to me, normally I'm just introduced to someone by someone I already know. But I totally made friends.

Another great thing about GSA is that there I don't have to play boy-girl-boy. I'm just ME. I'm totally addicted to that.

I really wish everyone had the chance to have an accepting environment like the one I live in. My dad is awesome, my friends are awesome. I really couldn't ask for more. And I feel awful when I can't deal with my problems, because so many people have it SO much harder. And there isn't a whole lot I can do about it. I hate that.

Done blabbing for now. Looks like my journals have ended their shortness streak?

~Liam

I'm extremley frustrated right now... So I'm gonna just list off a few of the things that are on my mind...

-I wish I had a boyfriend... Or at least a close friend that was male.
-Why are all of my friends female?
-Girls are really difficult sometimes.
-I wish I could start my life over with everything as it should have been.
-I wish it was easier to accept the things I can't change.
-Why is my mom such a [insert expletives here]?
-I want to re-do my room, from scratch.
-I want to re-do my life from scratch.
-It'd be so cool if starting life was like making a sim, and you could pick out all of your attributes ahead of time.
-I've been playing the sims too much.
-I need to stop getting angry at fictional characters for having the life I want.
-I wish I knew more gay guys my age - cute ones.
-The only people I find cute are a lesbian, whom I won't date because that'd make me seem female. And the freshman kid in my Graphics Design class who I'd never date but I'd love to make him question his sexuality.
-I'm not confident enough in my male-appearance-thing to make anyone question their sexuality.
-Unfortunately.
-I wish I could skip to the part where I've gotten past the hardest parts of transitioning and I accept myself as the transguy that I am.
-My stomach hurts.
-My artistic inspiration died the other day, pretty depressing.
-I need to find a new muse.
-GSA is tomorrow!
-I get to share my many coming out stories. That'll be fun.
-Too bad I have to put up with school first. D:

Okay, I'm going to go back to reading "Boy Meets Boy" now. I've read it before, but it's been a while, and I've forgotten how great the book is.

~Liam

Discorvery today, I have, well, had, (I plucked them out to examine them, make sure it wasn't just cat hair that got on my pillow or something.) two white hairs growing out of my head. Surley not a sign of becoming old, I'm only turning 16.

Sooo.. Premature greying of the hair? It's very possible that it's genetic and it skipped a generation on my dads side, since we know nothing about his bio-fathers genetic makeup, or anything else.

Just thought it was interesting. It really doesn't bother me though, worst comes to worst I can dye it or whatever.

Also, on a totally unrelated note, I'm sick of binding. It hurts (Not constantly, but sometimes.) and people are still seeing me as female. It's making me nuts and I'm kind of tempted to just stop. But I guess if I were more assertive about my male-ness, and less indecisive about what to call myself. It's easier to pretend to be a girl sometimes. DX

My own fault most likely. Nothing self-confidence probably couldn't fix.

But I'm still a teenager, and teens aren't exactly known for their self-confidence... I blame society... And my ovaries. As usual. :P

~Riku

Okay, so I didn't exactly memorize my monologue for the audition very well... I had it down okay actually, but my brain kinda died when I went to do it in front of people. But it was okay because I went to sing Sweeney Todd after that, and everyone loved that. XD

But, MORE IMPORTANTLY. There was this girl there, I think I knew her during my short time in middle school. (That is, the 2 months before I became home schooled) And apparently she's a great actor. She also has a thick Russian accent. And yeah... I had a crush on her then (didn't really know it, but I did.) And I might have one on her now? Like one of those really minor things. Because I almost never get real crushes.

And there was also this kid with blonde curly hair. He was cute too.

So yeah. After auditions C and I walked around a bit and ate a falafel. Which, if you haven't had one before, it's the most amazing food like, ever. She's fun to talk to so that was nice.

And, I still haven't come out to my Guidance Consoler. Because I'm a wuss. Oh well.

~Liam

....Club

Okay, being that this is one big website full of queer I'm going to guess that at least SOME of you have done theater before... XD Because, at least in my school the Drama Club probably has more gay/bi/whatever people in it than the GSA.

I need a one minute monologue by tomorrow and I don't know what to do. Where do I get a monologue? I don't even know which one would be good. I've never really done any real acting before. I would have loved too but never got the chance. I got cast as the TREE in the Wizard of Oz as a kid. D: D: D:

Though I get the feeling that it was based more on looks than on lack of talent.

Doesn't matter, I didn't stick around to play the part anyways. I became home schooled that year.

ANYWAYS... What was I saying? Oh yeah. Monolouge. I need one.

Help?