Prepare to be amazed by the length of this journal entry. My fingers are a little cold so there may be some typos because It takes longer to type.
I am in love. With many people. No, not some pathetic love triangle. I've had enough of those to last me..well atleast the next 10 years.
I love my mom, I love my boyfriend, I love my best friend, I love my animals, and I love someone else. In a friend sort of way. Some people might think it is weird though. But he fascinates me. In my opinion, He is the COOLEST person on the planet.
Theres this guy.. Well he isn't just any guy. He is my boy friend. My Lover. A huge part of my life. We've been going out for a year on august 16th.
He's been my friend for many years..
Here is the dilemma.
I love him. I mean I really love him. But at the same time I don't know if this can go on much longer.
There is just something..Something wrong. I can't place it. Its not that everyday sort of feeling of there is something in the air and its not love anymore its something different.
So(wow, I feel like I always start my journal entries with the word 'so' I am going to try to stop that)..
Anyway(thats a bit better)..
I lost my appendix. I had it surgically removed on thursday, because I had appendixitis(sp?).
I have never been on so much morphiene..Now im on vicadin. But still.
Incase you care..I am up and walking now. I have three lil incisions in my abdomen. One on my belli-button, one on my left hip area(pelvis) and one below the ribs on my right side.
I haven't really been seeing my boyfriend all that much recently, with work and competing for his attention agaisnt his friends who just came back from obscure places after being gone forever.
But today, i found out not only is he going to a concert with them all that i really want to see. but hes leaving for a 3 week trip which goes over our anniversery and I'll probably leave for my roadtrip before he gets back which is 2 weeks long!
It has been a heck of a long time since I posted. Atleast I don't have any friends on here to get mad at me. But I'd like friends. As I seem to have so few right now.
Anyway, Im still going out with the same guy...Sigh..I love him..but..It doesn't feel right lately..I actually considered injuring myself the other day just to get some snuggly love-cuddles of sympathy..He tries very hard to understand what im going through and does an okay job..But Im greedy... Im not a virgin.. It doesn't bother me, I don't regret it. Heck its fun.
I saw this crow today, this man he fed them. His beak was all mangled and ugly. But he seemed to fight fine for whatever the man was throwing. He looked so sad, but okay.
It was like his entire existance was to be some sort of twisted sign. Later that day on my way back, the same crow and another crow squated close to the ground. Shimmied and basically barked at me.
Yesterday, the necklace that my boyfriend gave me for my birthday broke. I loved it, i wore it all the time, i showered in it.Well for the past few days i've been wondering if im happy. Sometimes I feel like he never talks to me, you know that feeing when your talking to someone and then you feel like your doing all the talking and its to a brick wall. Where you feel like your open to them. Because you trust them, but they don't open up to you? Where they sometimes make wise-crack jokes and are overly argumenitive? not just overly argumenitive but they seem to enjoy making you loose the argument more than they should.
I won my classes boat regatta. Made around the booyi and back in 54 seconds in a cardboard boat. I may post pics at some point.
Two guys came into work today. Asked me and stelly for condoms. First it was "Condoms" what? "condoms" we looked at each other with a look of "is that what they said? "Your out of condoms in the bathroom" so stelly filled em, they both ran in there together, shut the door for a few mins. Then out they ran.. Two young 15 year old boys.
Currently I am going out with the most wonderful guy in school. Hes not popular, not orlando bloom matieral. But he has the most wonderful personality at times. Although he tends to keep his emotions to himself, in fear of getting vulnerable. I love him very much.
In contrast I love him, not his penis at this point I'm feeling that we should just be friends. But I talked to him tonight and I really wouldn't want to break his heart. His worse fear at the moment sides death of him or anyone he loves is me dumping him for another girl. Which is unlikely to happen due to many things, but I feel like I don't share the same kind of love. I love him yes, but I love him for his mind and soul and as a friend. I just don't really feel bi-sexual anymore. I don't even think I ever was. I was just denying my lesbianality(is that a word?) and trying to be normal.
So, I rode home alone, cause my boyfriend didn't get on the bus. Well I already get alot of shit for just being with him. He's not gorgeous or anything and he is my best friend. I really think I shouldn't of changed that. It should of stayed as we were friends. Im thinking about talking to him about it.
Anyway, I get on the bus. Alone and the usual jerkoffs that harrass us are quiet at first. But then they noticed I was alone and go wheres arthur? One of his nicknames. So I replied hostily and was overall realitivly jerkish to them. So then they called me a ho and told me they should tie me up with tape. So I told them to screw off and such. Didn't bug me so much til now. When I realized I shouldn't have to deal with this.
Alright, It isn't actually a cardboard heart. That just sounded so interesting. Its a boat. The Secadora. A craft designed to float 103 pounds of bi-sexual female. For Science class using the arcemedies principle.
A group project. For 2-4 people. I ended up doing this entire boat by myself. One of the others will be helping with decor. We are having a cardboard Reggata. A ridiculous project that really just means our science teacher wants us to freak out as we sink.
A few days ago, I wore this sweater of mine, Not really trying to show my gaydom. But I got off the bus, as usual waiting for my friend to get off the bus. I turn around and this girl named Carleigh, who is pretty and nice. She tends to goof around with me. I.E being ninja's in the library. Yes Im 15, we are the particually weirdo girl type. She squeels "Gay Pride!" at me and then starts thrusting her hip at me which had a "Fuck bush" on it.
Er, So since this is an introductional first journal entry. I suppose I'll say something of the sort.
Hi, I first came out to two good friends of mine who I trust dearly around november I think. Of 2004. Well they took it well. None of my friends really care all too much. They are more careful about what they say about gay people and using it as a derrogetory(Sp) comment. Although on occasion I get into a fight with one about it.