I've been hiding for nearly four weeks, I quit that school. The dynamic of a highschool is just too retarded.
Seriously, who cares what brand of pants you're wearing? Clubs don't exist like that in the real world.
Why did I even think to do it?

Now, onto the real issue, the issue is, that boy who I told you about. Who was doing everything right, taking me to cool places. HE was totally setting me up.
Why did I fall for that? Now he is pulling all this bullshit on how he misses me, I have exactly 90 missed calls from him.

I don't think I can see myself ever being with a guy again, aside from my two year boyfriend. I knew it'd happen eventually, I don't think I'll say anything about it. But I'm not going to date another guy. They don't make me feel comfortable, and they don't turn me on. Not that all I want is sex. But it was all -he- wanted, and so I put my foot down.

I strangely miss Ruthie, and the amazing times we had together. She professed a love for me, and while I love Arlo deeply. I don't know if I could ever comfortably pick that up again. We'll see.

I wish I had got my shit together to get that information to Ruthie in time. But she's gone, and doesn't answer her phone.

Arlo seemed Clingy to me, at some points, but he doesn't even COMPARE to how clingy this kid was.

I also came to a mutual agreement with my best friend Theo, that we both considered eachother best friends. Despite the fact that he lives in Iceland. God I love that kid.

I'd post some IM conversations about how crazy I am right now, and how homesick I am. But that'd make me more depressed I think.

I don't even know where to begin here. I suppose the base of this entry has to do with my recent daily activity, which is going to school.

I met someone, we're a pair now. And well. He just..keeps amazing me. Anyway, we went out tonight, to the movies, on my wallet. To see Across the Universe, which is good, but pretty much like a very long music video, and less of a musical.

Then afterwards, he took me to this old folks home ,using a pass ,and we go to the penthouse floor, which is empty, and I see the city I'm living in.

And Fuck. Fuck.
Wow, I just can't even explain tonight. I feel like I'm floating.

So, it's been three weeks since I've moved. Since I last saw Ruthie, since I last lived in the place where Kia did..

Out of the *&@#(#@&! Blue, I check an old email account for something else, and stumble upon an old Loowa account email saying I had a message, So I check it..

There's this big, beautiful message from Ruthie, about me. I felt terrible for being so cold to her, It's..a confession of sorts. She's a beautiful girl. I'd show you a youtube video that she's in, sort of. It's a music video. But I'd rather not.

Anyway, needless to say, it sort of woke me up..Then, whilst I talk upon MSN to my friend Kia about said note(I came out to her, years and years ago..)

She starts a conversation about that conversation we had..way back when, and..Much to my suprise, 3 weeks after I left..She comes out to me..

Needless to say, I fell in love with the girl, before I even knew I was bisexual..

Because of this, and the fact that I am impatient, and tired of waiting for things(I've got a year to wait til I can go to massage school..)

I decided to go back to highschool, to hell, and beyond..

Look out East High. Here I come. :)

Something tells me in the back of my eternally crammed, mildly insane mind. That I need to write, not w-r-i-t-e. As in writing slow ponderous thoughts-Which coincidentally is -exactly- what I am doing w-right now.

Today, I woke up, exhausted. As if all the energy I had sworn I had when I went to bed seeped right out of my body and immersed itself in my temporary bed with one of those memory foam pads, to make it softer, and soaked right in.

I sit here, in my grey-lit room, on this chair that I swear was made out of timber from hell. Typing mindless thoughts, and all the while the only thought sticking out, that I can think of is seeing a giant, crane swinging these two porta-potties roped together through the air.

Because after being roused from bed, forced into a sweatshirt-For hells sake, it was 89 the other day, and look, I can see that damned 50 degree weatherbug icon waving itself provacatively at me.

The medical term for that, is sleep deprievation. I believe.

But I did really see a crane moving two mobile toilets through the grey misty air. That I swear to god I thought I left behind in washington.

Although, I admit, there is something to be said for curling up in a blanket when you don't feel good, and are in a serious need of sleep. I have donned the black sweatshirt of choice, one I subtly stole from my friend back home. He -did- lend it to me, and it was too small for him.

But it does have his last name, and his wonderful team-number on the back. It provides more comfort than a blanket could, and for that.

I am eternally grateful.

I also sit here pondering if anyone has reviewed the autobiography "Running with Scissors" here in this cozy, familiar webspace. Since I read it last week, and now I have Terry Pratchet fresh in my brain. Perhaps -thats- why I am so amused by flying porta-potties at the moment.

For Serious.

The last thing I wrote about my pathetic amobea-like existance was a small entry containing my excitement to see a girl I met through school. I spent a few days at her house.

It was amazing. Everything was amazing. But we just didn't connect the way I wanted to. She..among several others. Were really just after my ass. Sad but true.

Maybe I'm just not seeing her affection. Or maybe I just like being loved tenderly. We are still friends, months later. We've seen eachother a few precious times.

Along with everything else though, she and that experience are part of my life that was in washington. I do not live there anymore. I moved to Denver, Colorado. A very big, but very overdo change in my life.

I'm leaving behind all my relationship nightmares. All my history. I'm just me, all alone. Writing a pointless, and rather meaningless journal entry about how much of an ass I can be.

She stopped by my house the day I left, and I couldn't even be sentimental, or say anything worth hearing. Except "OMFG I HAVE TO PACK SHIT!"

Because, her blog says, that's pretty much how I was. Sadly. Although aside from my boyfriend of two years, and my dad-I should call him. Really miss my anti-social antics, and psychoticness.

Here's her blog. Sadly, most of her entries are about me..Something I didn't expect. I suppose that's where me being an ass comes in. She really digged me. Who knows if it was for good reasons.
I hope I left my ass behind! Hah. Right.

http://madeiranorueguesa.blogspot.com/

Speaking of my new life, I'm going to be looking for a job here soon, and maybe going to East High. Hah. Highschool? Me? Yeah, No. Haha.

OH MY GOD.

I AM SEEING HER TOMMOROW.
WE ARE TOGETHER.

Enough caps. But Oh my god, I'm seeing her. A ferry boat defection made it harder but my mom is driving me to see her.
I'm staying a few days.
Oh my god, I have to work tommorow, I haven't packed.

I'll write a novel about it when I get back.
Wish me luck!

I don't know where I left off, on my Journals here.
But I imagine maybe a bit about leaving my boyfriend was on here, and for once, I am actually permanently away from him, we got back together, and two days later we were apart, and he hates me.
So I'm going to steal the hard drive that was going to go in his computer I was almost done building for him, and put it in mine.

For two months, I have been alone, no sex. Nothing. I haven't even wanted anyone til now.
I want -her-.

I go to an online school, I have met some of these kids, and yes. We are all REALLY awesome. Recently I started talking to a girl, who is a lesbian. I sit on MSN just waiting for her to come on.
Waiting, patiently.
She dances, she rock climbs. She is amazing. She is beautiful. Funny. and she works in a chocolate shop.

Here is where it gets good, I talk to my friend James all the time. He is by far the gayest person I know. He is like my girlfriend, in the way that we talk. I love James, and neither of us would ever think about being together. Because well.
ICK!

Anyway, so I -think- and Hope that she likes me. I think she does, we are both single. But at the end of this month, we are both going for 3 days contra-dancing.
Oh my god, I cannot wait to meet her. I've seen pictures of her, and they were gorgeous. I know most of you will be like "You have a crush on a girl you met online?"

I do, yes. I'm damn proud of it, and she makes my stomach have butterflies, my cheeks red, and my mouth curl into a ridiculous smile.

I wrote this as a birthday present for my mom, well part of it(the present, not the poem >.<) her birthday is on Valentines day.
It is very different than other things I've written...

Every Day
I walk
Every day
I smile
Every Night
I think
Every Night
I slumber
Every Morning
I lay
Deep in Contemplation
Of what lies ahead.
Every Day
I walk
Every Day
I smile
Every Night
I strip
The Negative
Away.
Every Night
I remember
How it all began
How I came to be
Who I am
Every Dawn
Every Twilight
Every break of morning light
Through Moth-eaten curtains
Every Minute
Every Hour
Every Day
I think of you
You are there
Through all those times
All those days
All those nights
You don't get what you deserve
I'm hopeless
I can't help you.
But I'm here.
Every Day
I Walk
Every Day
I smile
Especially when I think of you.
Every Day
Every Night
Every Dawn
Every Twilight
I love You.

Yesterday consisted of just about nothing. My mom and I both had dentist appointments. That wasn't fun.

I got in contact with my friend, he isn't turned agaisnt me. Yay.

But then I have also been trying to fix my friendship with another person. For whom I badly wrote a poem...Here it is.

Anywhere

Anywhere wandering
mattering not the color of the sky
ground beneath my feet
as long as I know
that you're there inside me
walking with me
separate but knowing
i'd sing to you
so softly
birds hath envy
I could sit with you
under the setting sun
sand squeezed beneath
my small polished toes
i'd whisper
sweet things in your ear
for your the only one
who i'd like to hear
even if is just through
my celluar phone
if you'll not answer
i'll cry beneath my hands
hoping that you'll hear
my secret prayer
that you'll come near
this I believe
is all I hold dear

Its definately more clear when you are me, or him. But its the first poem i've written in well over a year.

I suppose alot of you never knew me, and the ones who do, probably aren't here, or don't remember me.

But I needed to come back, to a familiar place, a place that cared. To blog, since the place I had been blogging on, is not safe for such times. Not safe for people to read. For people I've hurt, for people who have hurt me.

I don't feel 'safe' in a place where people I know can read, can see, and hear.

So here, is where I shall write, again.

I'm not sure of the exact date, or even time, I posted a journal entry here on Oasis. But It was alteast, a long time ago, probably august, or september.

I'm not sure where I left off, I believe it was probably about that asshole crazy guy. Who, was awsome, but Uh, he was also a psychopath. I have a 2 yr restraining order on him, and he plead guilty to harrassment (which, should have been, sexual harrassment) .

I probably talked about the fact that I broke it off with my boyfriend, and then I probably didn't talk about the fact that I got back together with him. ( Really, stupid, Really stupid).

Well I recently, broke it off with him, for good. Basically, I convinced him to break it off with me. It worked. We are finally actually OVER.

I go to an online school. Which is neat. This kid, came up here for his birthday to see me. He tried to get in my pants, I wouldn't have any of it.

I'm so tired, of how i've been treated lately. It's so old, so dreary. I wish I just didn't even have the faintest smidgen of attraction to boys, ever.

I only say i'm bisexual now, because I think it is possible some guy 'could' court me into perhaps liking him. But right now, I think i'm going to tell anyone who matters, I'm a lesbian. Because everything from having a father who can't get a job, to the crazy pedophile boss I had, to my ex boyfriend(s) and that kid. Makes me think so.

I've always liked girls, I like thme more than guys. I'm always friends with guys, but then they want more than that. I have the same kind of dodgy interaction with other females that males do. If only I had a penis.

My life has recently plummeted in to the darkness of chaos.

I've broke up with my boyfriend, got back together.

Supported a grown man with marriage problems, had him fall in love with me, write me explicit letters. Try to kiss me..

Filed a police report agaisnt him....

Been sick.

Still sick.

Stressed.

I need someone to talk to..

We aren't anymore. I ended it. I don't know how I feel yet. I know he isn't doing so hot. We are going to try to be friends. But it will be awkward for awhile..
The thing with the Older guy is still just as complicated..
My Ex is complicating things as well..
There are some guys at work who like me..
But I don't want anything to do with them.
Guys are frustrating, I think I need to date a girl. Since I actually prefer them. But I just haven't had a chance to enjoy the company of one in awhile.
Sigh.
My 16th birthday is in 21 days. So thats cool..
We are remodelling the bathroom,living room and my bedroom soon..and possibly the kitchen..and my moms bedroom.

One of my smaller entries.

I have a little story to shall with you all. From this morning..

It all started around 9:00AM, I woke up. Blinked and my eye hurt. This has happened before, My eye swells up. Last time we didn't know what caused it really. It just went away. So we made an appointment for today(at 1:30) because Eye-swelling can be a symptom of a disease that I might have but they don't know yet.

Anyway, So I get up and start making toaster pastries when I hear this sad little yelping squeaking coming from outside the house. I quietly mumble to myself. "Oh *bleep*" and I see as I had suspected, My 2 year old Cat creature with something brown and furry in his mouth.
Not a suprise, he does this every once and awhile. Usually they end up in the house dead or something.

So In an attempt to stop my Proud hunter from killing the creature I open the back door. Success! He dropped the furry thing. So I walk closer, expecting to see a fat field mouse or shrew..
Nope...

It was a baby bunny. So I pause, I had forgotten to bring a towel in case. So I picked it up. He/she/it was so soft, I held it to my chest and approached the back door. I turn the knob and mumble once again "Oh *Bleep*" I had forgotten to unlock the door. So I walk around to the front of the house hoping my mom had left it unlocked when she left for work...
To My dismay..She hadn't. SO I proceeded to knock on my dads window half yelling..
"Dad, I locked my self out and I have a baby Bunny in my hand, I will explain when Im inside"

So, Now I have a small baby rabbit. He/she/it is a little shaken up and has a gash on his/her/its leg. But I think It will be okay, we picked up some goats milk(which we were told is good) and a dropper thingy.

His ears are perked up and his Eyes are open. But I wanted to share my adventure for the day. Now we've looked in the phone book and there are no rehabilitators in our area. So we are going to look after him/her/it ourselves. Because he is too young to survive on his own and we don't know where his mamma is, and he is well enough to where he has a pretty good chance of surviving in our house and he won't just keel over.. If anyone has raised bunnies before, any tips would be helpful.

I think its a she, but Im not sure yet...

Prepare to be amazed by the length of this journal entry. My fingers are a little cold so there may be some typos because It takes longer to type.

I am in love. With many people. No, not some pathetic love triangle. I've had enough of those to last me..well atleast the next 10 years.
I love my mom, I love my boyfriend, I love my best friend, I love my animals, and I love someone else. In a friend sort of way. Some people might think it is weird though. But he fascinates me. In my opinion, He is the COOLEST person on the planet.

He...also is 20 years older than me. Hes a renowned musician in places like england and france. He wears black makeup, and has big hair. I mean. Seriously, as far as someone being a charecter..He is the most interesting person I know.

He loves horror movies. B- Movies especially.

I enjoy being with him all the time. We went to see the descent together.

Today, He brought me a burned CD By The Mission today. With a big long note. He's already told me he has a crush on me.(No, hes not some creep). Its a childish sort of crush. He is..My best friend(besides my other friend). He would never hurt me, in fact. Thats why he feels the way he does I think. Because he doesn't think its fair that I have to deal with what I have to deal with.

"at first, I built the web between you and the song because of all the heal-related perils you've been unfairly experiancing and how i've forced myself to remain unspoken when all i've wanted is to hold you and make everything okay...."

Now I've already told you that I care for him too and my mom knows about it. She knows that he would never hurt me. Its an innocent crush, Both ways. Nothing will really ever come of it. Im 16, hes 37. Hes married, Im not legal. I have a boyfriend.
But I think..

My boyfriend might be jealous. He's in Cali right now, and then NY he won't be back til the 29th. But I don't think Im going to tell him about the CD and the Note.
Hes(boyfriend) never done anything like this for me. Now, Hes only 16 as well, so -20 years of experiance, besides the fact that this special friend of mine is a hopeless romantic.
Secretly, I am too. It's touching. He has come to the hospital when I'm ill, and my boyfriend has not. Helps that he has a car. But the hospital is next door to where my BF works...
Love finds a way.

But I feel like time has cheated us. If I had been born 10 years earlier. Anything..He treats me like a person, not an age. Which sadly, everyone else seems to do.

I feel like, somehow. I wish I was more like him, older, stronger and much more musiclly inclined..
But it's just not. The only musical instrument i've ever played was in 5th grade..I played the clarinet..mind you I was okay at it..But, hes a keyboardist. Something I've always wanted to try, but im a chicken.

Now, I don't actually have a problem..Really. I just...felt like I needed to say something, to let myself know. Theres nothing wrong with being loved.

Here is the Lyrics to the song that he was talking about, the song that he relates to me. Its by The mission, on Carved in Sand. Track 3, Butterfly on a wheel.

@SONG: Butterfly on a Wheel

Wise men say all is fair in love and war
There's no right or wrong in the design of love
And I could only watch as the wind crushed your wings
Broken and torn crushed like the flower under the snow
And like the flower in spring
Love will rise again to heal your wings
Love heals the wings of a butterfly on a wheel
Love will heal the wings of a butterfly on a wheel

I know, no one will comment on this, cause its too long.