Another year, another batch of complainers. It never ceases to amaze me what people can find to complain about. They wear long sleeves and pants in 100 degree heat and somehow it becomes my fault that they are suffering from heat exhustion and passing out on the football field. Does anyone bother to think ahead anymore or is that too strenuous? Maybe if people used more than 10% of their brain we wouldn't be having this problem, but no, we look outside, see the sun, feel the heat as we walk out of the door, and become to lazy to change and instead decide to inconvinience the rest of the population. Congradulations you lazy bastards, you're the reason America is so far behind the times, I thank you on behalf of the people who try.
I'm realizing more and more that the people in my life cannot function unless I am standing right next to them whispering in their ear what their next move should be. I am the confidant one. The go to person, but when will people learn that they need to learn to think for themselves and grow up? Is that too much to ask for?

So today I had finals and didn't have to go to school because I didn't have any classes that were actually doing finals so i drove out to good old Oakley to pick up some of my friends there to hang, all premeditated of course. Well the ex has been talking to me and I told her what was going on a few days ago and invited her to come along, of course she said no but it isn't as if any of us had expected anything different. So I get there as school is getting out and I walk into the band room where Nina promptly tackles me and screams about how much she misses me. CC and the whore walk past me, more CC being pushed and the whore screaming at her about how she is not to talk to me. WELL! The entire band hears this, gangs up on both of them and just start talking shit right then and there without them even caring and when I try to get them to stop they talk LOUDER! So I just start laughing and then we leave and have a great lunch.... I LOVE IT!!!!

I do believe my sub conscious is trying to speak out to me in new ways. Three dreams in three days about her. Three! I can't remember the first one, just that she was in it, but the second one was her confessing her love for me and me writing her a note, but I can't remember what I put on that note. The next one was her begging me to go somewhere with her and me walking away. Where were we going? I wish the subconscious could be clear just once, I mean imagine the possibilities if we only knew what those damn things were trying to say to us!
On a brighter note I had a great day today and it was all because of one compliment. So go compliment someone tomorrow, try to compliment someone everyday. It really goes somewhere especially when that person is really down in the dumps, who knows, maybe that one compliment will save a life. I know it sounds stupid, but just hearing a word of praise can really turn a day around.

I'm about 25 years old and have just completed my masters degree in music education when I find out I'm pregnant yet I have no memory of ever having sex. Jump forward a nine months and I give birth to a son of mixed race, but I have no idea what two races. Jump forward a few years and my son is interested in wearing mummy's bras and high heels. Jump to his high school years and he comes to me and tells me he identifies himself as a woman and wants to eventually have the surgery to change his gender and as of now would prefer to be known as Arianna. I wake up after that.

Today I brought up a new question for my homophobic friends

If you're so against gay marriage does that also mean you're for a return to segregation?

I've only gotten one response and it was a sarcastic remark from one of my lesbian friends. We all know separate but "equal" worked just fine with that. I find it amusing in a way that segregation is bad but constitutional bans on marriage is perfectly okay. I'm planning a protest, I'm not sure where, I'm not sure when, most likely after the November elections just to see who is elected as President. Should the voters of California over turn the Supreme Court ruling it'll happen soon after. Anyone want to help or have any ideas? I could use them. It may seem like this is just the ramblings of a hormonal teenager, but I think the time has come for our voices and the voices of our supporters to be heard. We can't keep living like second class citizens, South Africa and Mexico allow gay marriage as a nation, not just certain sections, I want my marriage, should I choose to have one, to be legal in all parts of my country not two states. What is so wrong about gay marriage if the religious argument is thrown out? What is left to argue with?

SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE!

Sometimes I hate America.....

I AM STRESSED!!!!
AP English test is tomorrow and I do not feel confident at all in my ability to pass that test. While my writing skills have risen to new levels this school year I cannot help but worry they aren't at the level required for a three on that test!
Can't breathe, asthma has been a bother because of allergies and stress. I swear AP gets sick and twisted thrills off of stressing students out beyond all reasonable measure. I wonder if it would fall under cheating if I were to bring in an inhaler for asthma, everything else can be considered cheating.
I had a job interview today, it went pretty well, the guy and I laughed the entire time, is that a good sign? I'm rambling, I can't think straight... hehehe.... I'm out for sleep

After spending the majority of my seventeen years of life perfectly planned as to where I would be attending college, I know find myself, after three days of "intense" research on colleges, having absolutely no clue where I want to go. It isn't the problem of what major I want to pursue or how much money I have to achieve my college goal, no, it's about what campus I want to have my education commence upon. With the inept ex coming to Davis so her education the drive to leave Sacramento has become more of a necessity than a goal. But where do I want to go? What sites do I wish to have around me? What kind of people do I wish to be around? Sonoma State seems like an amazing college and has a beautiful campus, but is a known party school. Sac State has a high ranking music program, but that is closer to an ex than I want to be. And San Francisco State is another amazing college, but can I honestly afford to live in that area? My head is about to explode! Why is it now I need a pretty piece of paper telling me I have knowledge on music? What does that say about my teaching abilities? What does that honestly say about my knowledge? Why are colleges so greedy? $150 for a book I may not use very often and will be obsolete the next semester. When did I lose myself and my assurance about where I wanted to go? Why does this all have to be so complicated? I need to go fill out yet another scholarship application. Anyone know a good one for an ambidextrous, vegetarian, Jewish, Italian Lesbian with 500+ hours of community service?

Exes suck
Especially the ones that want to be friends after not chatting with you for a long period of time

How's everyone doing?
(That's a serious question too)

My Fella Americans,
In just a coupla more months the polls will open and the choice will need to be made on who should be elected as the new President of these United States of America. Now I know it might be tempting to check that little box that reads ‘Democrat’ but don’t be fooled by them liberals and their non-christian ways. They can’t offer you what a God-fearing, church-going, big-business loving republican can. But also when you show up to vote on that first Tuesday in November, don’t check off old John McCain’s name, he can’t handle a big win like that, it’s not good for that old heart of his. When you go to vote put a big check mark next to my favourite candidate; President George W. Bush.
Now I can see the confusion on your faces. After all, you can only be president for two terms, not three, but I feel I deserve a special constitutional amendment. I cannot think of a better president in the history of presidents, well maybe Richard Nixon or Ulysses S. Grant, but after them I can’t think of a soul. Now I know you think I throw around the term “constitutional amendment” a lot. But I only use it when I’m serious. By giving me this amendment I can further push my other amendment to make marriage between a man and a woman, because gay marriage is icky and God doesn’t like it, I know this because the bible said so and whatever the bible says is what I go with because I am a church-going, God-fearing sort of man and America should follow whatever my bible says no matter what. As a republican I do not believe in the separation of Church and State. Man should be at one with his Creator and His word. Some of you liberals might find this to be wrong and going against the word of the Founding Fathers, but I am President of the United States and you’re not so I obviously know what I am talking about or Florida would not have fixed the election in my favour, I mean, recounted the ballots to insure my victory was true and what the people of Florida wanted. I am a man of the people.
As the current president these United States have seen toil and torment. Osama Bin Laden caught us off our guard and used terrorism to destroy our World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and some field in Pennsylvania. Thousands of lives were lost on that fateful day and like any good president I kept calm and composed in the face of danger. I sat quietly in the back of a classroom and listened to what happened to a duck in a story. My secret service tried hard to break my composure, but I sat there, never listening to a word they said, only to the story being told as any good president would have done. In 2003 I, with the help of congress, declared a War on Terror, now I know that seem vague, but that’s okay, we all understand what it means now and I don’t want to waste any time explaining it. I took down Saddam Hussein and saved Iraq, no Afghanistan, no wait it was Iraq, or maybe Afghanistan…. I saved the Middle East from the rule of an evil dictator, true we never did find those WMDs I promised, and Tony Blair had to retire as British Prim Minister amidst scandal, but we must look on the bright side and see that we still have a healthy war being fought with no end in sight.
If America elects me as president for a third term I will make sure gas prices do not stay at four dollars but jump to prices well beyond five and maybe even six dollars. Americans have too much money, especially the poor, it needs to be spent constantly to ensure the economy stays strong and the terrorists don’t win. In my third term I will work hard to earn an approval rating well below the 27% mark that I am at now. In my third term I will end a woman’s right to choose because abortion is murder! In my third term Wall Street will see a crash like never before. In my third term the dollar will drop far below the Chinese Yen. I promise you America, my third term will be better than my first two or my name isn’t George W. Bush.

I am beyond ecstatic right now! Finally after years of hard work and dedication to music it's all starting to pay off. Today in Pit rehearsal my instructor asked me to be captain for next year's field show. I've been happy dancing all day. Finally being responsible and dedicated gives me an advantage over everyone else. I did right! AH!

Life is so close to perfect
I haven't been like this in so long
It's great....
Now the band is in the control of a homosexual maniac!
Good thing my new director totally loves homos
He's kickass

She's back, that indecent, shallow, cunt of an ex girlfriend, she's back.
FRIENDS! She wants to be my friend!
FUCK YOU!
FUCK YOU!
FUCK YOU!
I went through too much shit with her to ever want her to come back into my life.
I said I wouldn't wait and yet her she is expecting the same old me.
THE PERSON SHE KNEW IS GONE!
I grew up
I moved on
I AM BETTER THAN SHE WILL EVER BE!
Why can't she let me live?
Why can't I be free?
Why can't I have everything be good for more than 30 seconds?

It's been to long
since I've felt this way
That deep down tingle
That smile on my face
Your showing your face
has taken it away
What makes you thinik
that this is okay?
I needed my space
I got my space
you, my disaster
have taken it away
Don't tell me
you love me
Don't say that we're
FRIENDS
I'm not here anymore
Our relationship
is at an end

FUCK YOU!

And if I die before I wake
I'm sorry for all the pain I made
I lied to you
just wasted your time
I caused too much pain
So much trouble I did bring
Death for me is best you see
So much hurt is all I leave
This is just the chance
that you need
Maybe now you'll say you're free
Promise on that day I go
Not a single tear shall ever flow
You're strong than me
As if you don't know
It's not that I don't love you
Oh no no no
It's for that reason
That I must go

Where do you go when you can't feel anymore?

My first year at my new high school is about to come to a close at the beginning of June. I've been faced with many new experiences and never in my life did I think I would have to change schools because of one person. Never in my life did I think I would have my school administration tell me to drop the class instead of dealing with the problem. Never in my life did I think I could fear someone that much.
Meet Mr. Matt Mackey of Franklin High School.
I moved in the seventh grade to a suburb just south of Sacramento. The area was nearly triple the population of my old city and was less diverse. The rest of middle school passed in a haze and I soon entered high school. Band was the only class I could have ever cared about and band was where I met the worst teacher I have ever had. He was a recently converted man, fresh to Mormonism and newly wed. He had a myspace and through it he got a few profiles of his students, myself included. He'd joke around with us when we were on telling us to finish our homework or practice our instruments. Then he started to look at our profiles in depth. I had proudly announced my sexuality on myspace in that little box provided. He read it and the next day at school I was called into his office and questioned. Did I really believe I was gay? Have I considered going to a priest and asking for help? Did I want to cause my family shame? He handed me a Church of Latter-Day Saints Bible and I politely declined it I was comfortable enough with who I was to not worry about the opinion of one man. A couple weeks later we had placement testing and although I played better than most, I was sat second to last chair. Each request I petitioned for that year was denied. The name calling soon followed. Carpetmuncher, Dyke Kyke and Gay Rae. I was 15, he was nearly twice my age. My complaints to administration went unnoticed. I began faking illness to avoid my favourite class. When someone finally did notice, I was nearly suspended by SARBs for absences. My VP called me in for a chat and it was there that I explained my situation, his only response to my accusation was to send me to my counselor for a course change form. For two years I battled with administration and eventually the school board. No one listened, not even my Wildcat Unity teacher who fought such cases everyday, no, even she turned her back on me. I begged another lesbian in band to stand up with me against Mackey, she backed down and hid. I was alone.
Junior year was my time to start over. I never hid from my new class mates my sexuality. On my first day of school I wore a Rainbow Recruiter shirt. My new band director looks to me for opinions on how to better our band. I'm hurt that my school let me down. I'm hurt that my board of education let me down, but I'm glad I moved schools. My future doesn't look so bleak anymore.

I've come to realize the trials and tribulations that come with love. Yes, their are many and you are indeed a fool if you do not believe me. For nearly three years I lied to myself about who I was because of one girl. I lied because she told me who I was and forced me to recite her words daily. She loved me after all, how could I not believe the words she was having me say. I hide myself and hoped one day I would become that person I pretended to be. IT doesn't work like that as many of us know. No one can hide who they are. I screamed at the top of my lungs to all that would listen, "I Rachel Marie am a lesbian." I could not have been more wrong.
Oh no, do not think I am saying I'm straight, though I still believe I would live an easier life if I was, I'm merely realizing I'm not as gay as I thought. I can't see it as bisexuality, I loathe that word. I love anyone. It's love, how can someone label that? I didn't like lesbian either, it never fit me. But now I find that I can't reach towards a label at all. I don't identify with my bisexual friends. My lesbian friends would never understand this and my straight friends are all of the penis sub-human species and find gay men icky and lesbians sexy when both girls are hot.
I am no longer with the girl I once pledged my love to. SHe abandoned me for her own selfish reasons, but I can't see her understanding the impact of causing me to lose my indentity had. Why, over my summer holiday, I cheated on her with one of my closest male friends. (I did come clean about this almost as soon as it happened). Or why my cutting escaladed only after we started dating and has only vanished since our break up. In all reality, our break up saved me and I should be thanking her for freeing me of her.
I'm still not sure who I am. It's part of living in a world where labels matter. For now I choose not to live under one single label. I'm a lover, I don't see it as a label so much as a lifestyle. If I can love people of either sex, doesn't than mean I am doing the world a favour?