I talked to Brandon today.... For over five hours. I know I'm a lesbian but why do I feel so strongly about him? And why do I not feel guilty about it even though I know it hurts Camelia? I know he isn't a good person and I know things would never work between us seeing as today was the first time we have talked in nearly two years, but why do I feel this way?
So after 4 years and much drug use my mother has finally kicked out her husband!
I get to hear stories about how daring she was with Cinthya. I get to hear about how she stood up to her parents and told them Cinthya was coming over for 4th of July. I begin to wonder if maybe I was more like Cinthya I too would get to have her stand up for me. Instead I am the hopeless romantic who cracks jokes about her parents knowing about us again but never being able to get the edge of sarcasm off of it each time I bring it up.
I finally did it. I got out and volunteered and flashed my homosexuality at 25 different houses. And I'm still alive to tell about it. I have an entirely new respect for those die hard canvassers who go from door to door every year trying to get new people to fight for whatever it is they believe in. It's a tough job. I was fortunate to do my first canvassing with my girlfriend. Without her I'm almost positive I would have just thrown down my clip board and ran to my car to drive as far away as I possibly could.
We have known each other for many years. We've worked together, played together, even loved together. I've scratched your back many a-time and you have, in return, scratched mine back. I've gone to bat for you. I've stood up for you when no one else would. I've been beaten down for the praising words I have said about you, but never once did I back away from my beliefs in you as a person, as a hero I could look up to, as someone who I could rely on to be there for me when the time came. Instead, today, you have shown me that I am nothing more than a speck of dirt.
I think my girlfriend is an alcoholic. I'm almost sure of it, but who wants to ever have to come to that realization? Who wants to have to deal with the pain and pressure that comes from having an alcoholic significant other? Or the abuse? I thought it had all cleared up, that maybe it was just a phase, the new to college phase, it happens, right? Things seemed better too. Improved grades, less late night drunk calls (actually none at all). But then as it always seems to, things got worse. Band-uh! practices and more bonding time meant less us time and more her and them time.
Today, I count myself as a real woman, I finally understand the meaning of chick flicks, their purpose, their ability to make otherwise sensible women believe in a happily ever after, it all makes sense now. I'm not saying that I like them, on the contrary, my knew found knowledge as to how they work only makes me hate them even more; with a fiery, burning passion that can never be extinguished.
It's not a word that has ever been used to describe me yet almost everyday she tells me I am. Today I drove to her so I could cuddle up and take a nap with her. I've changed so much these passed months that I can't remember the person I was before. That period of me is blank, dark, a red line with "VOID" scribbled across it. It's hard to look at her a realize that she is mine. That she calls me cute. I'm not cute. But she thinks so.
Another year, another batch of complainers. It never ceases to amaze me what people can find to complain about. They wear long sleeves and pants in 100 degree heat and somehow it becomes my fault that they are suffering from heat exhustion and passing out on the football field. Does anyone bother to think ahead anymore or is that too strenuous?
So today I had finals and didn't have to go to school because I didn't have any classes that were actually doing finals so i drove out to good old Oakley to pick up some of my friends there to hang, all premeditated of course.
I do believe my sub conscious is trying to speak out to me in new ways. Three dreams in three days about her. Three! I can't remember the first one, just that she was in it, but the second one was her confessing her love for me and me writing her a note, but I can't remember what I put on that note. The next one was her begging me to go somewhere with her and me walking away. Where were we going?
I'm about 25 years old and have just completed my masters degree in music education when I find out I'm pregnant yet I have no memory of ever having sex. Jump forward a nine months and I give birth to a son of mixed race, but I have no idea what two races. Jump forward a few years and my son is interested in wearing mummy's bras and high heels.
Today I brought up a new question for my homophobic friends
If you're so against gay marriage does that also mean you're for a return to segregation?
I AM STRESSED!!!!
AP English test is tomorrow and I do not feel confident at all in my ability to pass that test. While my writing skills have risen to new levels this school year I cannot help but worry they aren't at the level required for a three on that test!
After spending the majority of my seventeen years of life perfectly planned as to where I would be attending college, I know find myself, after three days of "intense" research on colleges, having absolutely no clue where I want to go.