As you may or may not know, I'm a Photography Major at Hollins University. I recently opened up a Deviantart account and put up some of my work. Please if you feel like it/ have some time check it out!
Okay here's the deal:
So, Last night I found out that Candace, one of my closest friends, is "in love" with my girlfriend, Sarah. She told Sarah a few weeks ago when she first came down. Since then There have been letters of proclaimed affection and of how back when I apparently stole Sarah from her she wished she had fought harder. I thought that she was past Sarah but no. That was the impression she gave me atleast. I'm so pissed off at her right now but I'm playing nice for Sarah's sake. I mean I had no idea that all this time when I would go to her upset over something having to do with Sarah she had these feelings in the back of her mind. I feel so lied too. And why now? Why the fuck now? SHE'S MY FRIEND! Can she atleast wait until Sarah isn't with me? It's just bad form! Bad FUCKING form! I'm so sick of having to deal with other people trying to woo Sarah behind my back. Can't I just enjoy having her without the Annes (the ex who's still obsessed and Sarah cheated on me with....strange circumstances supposedly) and Candaces of the world slithering in the grass. And you know what else? She and Sarah are leaving for MA on WED! (Which is another thing which is upsetting me, I thought I had atleast another week.) They'll be up in MA for like 3 weeks while I'm here alone in Roanoke. Sarah really wants me to come up but I can't afford it....
Is is possible to be in a relationsip and still find yourself while not damaging the relationship and not basing the "self" off the other person?
She thinks that life passes her by
Steady with the blade against her
Torn, scarred thigh
Her pale inner city
Quakes from the barrage
The wreckage and debris:
Self-confidence and trust
In self, in others
Her hope poured
Down the drain
Along with her pills
The children’s cries can’t be heard
In her silent break down
She can’t remember
Midnight on our hill
We chose our fortunes
Am I too influenced by other people? I don't mean 'hey! do this all! All the cool kids are' and i do it...I mean do I become too much like others? Last night my girlfriend pointed out that she worried about the fact that my road to personal growth started about the same time as when I met her...that I might be emulating her in someway because of that and then proceeded to encourage me to be my own person. This frankly infuriated me. Yes I do think I evovle to the pople around me but to be perfectly honest of one of those people who doesn't have the courage to do what she wants unless someone else says it's okay. Bad I know but it's kind of how I've always been. I grow and chanege and take things from others and evolve them into me. I AM a unique individual. Damn Twin-ness. I blame that and my father for all my personality fuck-ups. What am I saying? i am a personality fuck up.
Recently I don't know why but I've been begining to doubt how much I love my girlfriend. It's just been really difficult between us because of it. I havn't told her about my doubts but she keeps asking me what's wrong. Things just don't feel the same as when we were frist going out. Am I out of love with her? or has the infatuation just wornoff? Should I break up with her? That could be difficult because she just came down to stay with me for the summer. I really don't want to break up with her. I really do love her alot but in-love? I don't know. It could just be my own mental state interfearing too. I've been super depressed and unsatisfied and disillusioned with my life.
My Girlfriend came down for the 4th to look for job in the area. She's still so confused about what to do. Her parents are really mad at her for not having a real job. Some how now money is super important to them. It didn't seem that way when her mother bought us a 90 dollar dinner when I was up there...but then again she was trying to impress me. Sarah's looking for a job down here with me and she can't stand how disappointed her parents and her friends will be that she left for the summer. I told her that i didn't know if her being down here would be for the best. I mean guilt tends to eat her alive. I want her down here I really really do. I miss her sooooo very badly when she's away and when she's here I feel like I can breathe. Like I've been holding my breath and I never realised it. I want her here but I want her to be here at her best...or as close to it as she's been the past couple of years.
My Girlfriend is driving down to see me tomorrow!! What a wonderful surprise!!!! I'm so excited! I can't wait!
Here' the full story I wrote for my freshman english class...yes it's semi-autobiographical account of what was going on with me at the time...
The Hands of the Soul
Eleanor rubbed her thumb over the knuckles of her left hand examining each age line. For years she had heard from various artist and poet friends that the eyes were the proverbial “window to the soul.
So my girlfriend Sarah calls me last night asking me if my offer for her to move in with me still stands. She's been having a rough time at home, with her newly cancer-free mother getting on her about not having a soild job even though she DOES have a job it's just an hour away and she only works there two days a week. I have been really bummed recenty about this whole being 600 miles apart over the summer thing (MA vs.
I remember how my stomach jumped as the door unlocked and quietly opened.
Oh God, I thought to myself as I resumed my attitude of sleep in my bed. My roommate’s keys jingled as she tossed them and her jacket onto the bed right next to me. I opened my eyes slightly to see her short figure standing in the middle of the room. Even without my contacts in I could feel her eyes on me. I pulled the blanket up over my face so she couldn’t see the grin I felt forming. I hated and loved the way that my roommate’s presence could make me smile even in the tensest and most inappropriate of moments. I braced myself for the question I knew was coming.