Well, it has officially happened. I have lost my mind. I was reeeeeeeally bored this morning so I took this white undershirt and a dry-erase marker and wrote on the front: "Let's get something straight..." then on the back I wrote: "I'm not." And wore it to school. Mind you I wore it under a sweatshirt, but the heat works incredibly well in our school so I wore just the shirt in Drama, where everyone was incredibly cool about it and in English, where everyone was also incredibly cool about it.
Baby mine, don't you cry
Baby mine, dry your eyes
Rest your head close to my heart
Never to part, baby of mine
Little one when you play
Don't you mind what you say
Let those eyes sparkle and shine
Never a tear, baby of mine
If they knew sweet little you
They'd end up loving you too
All those same people who scold you
What they'd give just for
The right to hold you
From your head to your toes
I have the attention span of a beetle. Seriously, I'll see like one girl and be like, "Oooooh, pretty girl." Then another one will walk by and it's the same thing. The longest crush I've ever had on anyone is...(this is so humiliating,) Angelina Jolie and it's been like three months. Now I'm moving on...again. Why? Why can I not sustain a healthy interest in something for more than five-seconds?
I am such a sneaky person. It's kind of good that most people I know don't know I'm gay 'cause that means I can get away with stuff that they probably wouldn't let me do in a million years if they knew. Take yesterday. Mz B, my Drama teacher, who I love (platonically) more than anything else in the world (next to Alex Stainback) wanted to take a picture of our class and she couldn't figure out her digital camera.
SOMEHOW, by some terrible karma, I ended up on godhatesfags.com. Don't ask how, I just was. At first I thought it'd be funny, you know, laugh at the poor, disillusioned people. But as I read on, my heart broke in two. I've never felt so much hatred and black-heartedness radiate from something so strongly. This goes beyond homophobia and bigotry into full-fledged, unadulterated *hate*. Go to the page sometime, it'll break your heart.
'Cause if the service goes like my dad said it might, I'm 'a gonna get out a shotgun and go 'a huntin'. It's not that I don't like my maternal grandmother....oh wait...I know that sounds terrible, but she goes and spreads these lies about my mother knowing full well my mother was ill and wouldn't remember most of it. I mean, she's manipulative, rude and knows nothing of my mother's wishes.
I seem to be split in two. I'm glad my mother's not in pain anymore, but I'm terrified of a life without her. I don't want to be the grown-up anymore. I know that sounds selfish, but I just want to be able to laugh and have fun without worrying about every little thing. I want people to stop apologizing to me, like they broke my favorite toy or something. We finally bought clothes for the memorial service tomorrow.
Oh my god, I'm still in shock. My mom just died and this seems to be the only thing keeping me sane. I know it seems weird, me typing just hours after my mom passing away, but seriously, I think I'd be going postal if I wasn't. We're in the hotel room right now because me, my sisters, and my dad just couldn't handle being in the house after the ME took the...body away. I know it's a crazy ideal, but I can't help believing that my mom's up in heaven right now, watching us from above.
My God, I'm a terrible person. Today, I nearly told a girl on the bus I was gay just so she'd leave me alone. I live in a seriously homophobic area, and if anyone told them they were gay, they'd avoid them like the plague. Does that make me a bad person, or just a seriously frustrated one? The girl is driving me nuts and I have no idea what to do about it. She's always complaining to me about her life and how bad it is and I'm about ready to smack her in the face. That she drove me so far as to seriously consider outing myself in public is how bad she drives me nuts. The worst thing is she's constantly trying to compare herself to me. And now I've gone and whined enough.
High-school sucks. This is the third day I've weasled out of going to school. It's not that I don't like it, it's just because it's so bone-crushingly lonely. I'm coming into a high school where everyone I know has friends from the middle school that's just down the road. I was homeschooled for five years, so once again, I entering the movie halfway through. Why does that always happen to me? This is like the third time this has happened.
Ergh, somehow the issue of my sexuality came into play tonight. My mother in one of her loony stages told it to my dad, my dad brought it up with sister. And so I kinda publicly came out to my family tonight. My father doesn't believe it, but he 'accepts' me for who I am. It's still a sin, but they 'accept' me. At least I'm still treaated normally. Although, I'm not allowed to bring it up with my sisters.
I personally heard someone use the term 'gay' to describe something stupid. This was the first time and I can gaurantee it will not be the last. God, that ticks me off so bad when someone says that. I've heard tamer versions of it, but I've never personally heard that expression. And the thing was, the guy who said it was talking aout *birds* for gods' sake, BIRDS. We were reading 'The Birds' (yes it was a story before it was a movie) and we were talking about why the birds were attacking the people and Alex (the guy) goes, "'Cause they're gay and stupid." I was like, "Excuse me?" My school's usually pretty good with stuff like that, so it really ticks me off.
I am so sick of being the fucking pawn in the middle of my parents' arguments. My mother's extremely ill and doesn't think my dad notices. *I'm* the one she calls on when she's trying to prove a point. *I'm* the one she talks about when she's trying to make my dad feel guilty. *I'm* the one she misses when I'm at school. The list goes on and on. I'm some stupid fucking pawn in the chess game of my parents' relationship.
Was out with my dad today, had to go to the bank, so I rode along. On the way back, I started to talking to him, actually about me buying a house for he and mom in Hatteras when I have enough money. He said he wanted me to take care of myself first and then he said something that really got me thinkin'. He said, "I want you to have taken care of your children and your..." he paused, "partner first before doing something like that." I dunno, maybe he just said that instead of the usual 'significant other' or 'spouse', but usually when people like my dad say something like that, they usually mean 'partner' as in, gay partner, which is really odd because I haven't come out to my dad yet.
I'm so happy right now. I finally asked a girl who I've had like this secret crush on for her number and she said yes!!! *Does a happy dance* She's weirder than I am, but probably one of the sweetest girls you'd ever meet. Oh, my life is just a little bit better in this moment. Made my day. Just asked her tonight at this little youth group we have. Asked her what she was doing for the summer, she said nothing, maybe going to the movie, so I asked her if maybe she wanted to exchange phone numbers and she said yes!!! So happy...so very, very happy.