Oh God, I think I'm bi. Not that bi people are bad or anything, I have absolutely no problem with them, it's just the backlash of my reputation (AHAHAHA, what reputation?!) might receive. Most people know I'm gay, and one guy even asked me if I was bi and I said no. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!!! I sincerely apologize for the profanity, I barely ever swear, but I'm in a bit of a pickle right now. Man, what am I going to do? There's this guy I want to ask out, but if I do, people are going to say, "Well, i thought you were gay." and then I have to say, "No, I'm bi" which seems like juat a lame excuse and I said I was gay to get attention.

I wish this could be a poem, but my creativity chip seems to be malfunctioning and I'm only getting by on the basics. i'm always so tired...and not in the good way. I feel like someone turned my switch from "Normal" (relatively speaking) to "Slow". I seem to have lost my energy and most of my emotions. My chest, from my sternum to my collarbone seems to have been scooped out with a shovel. It's a mixture of missing my mom a TON, and being totally lost in this world.

I feel like my heart's been stomped on with golf cleats then dragged through spikes. One of my very good friends, someone I trust and love like a brother sent me a message on myspace. I quote:

"Thas why when u told me about this lesbian thing i was about to collapse and you know where i stand i understand if you dont wanna be my friend any more but i think being gay is a sin!!! juss like any other sin (porn for me) that some one needs to over come if you cant see this or never wanna talk to me i undersand but i do think its wrong and i think the bible say its wrong but that juss my opinion i cant tell you if ur a christian or not!!! ur the only one that can say for sure but i do think that if u r u should be being convicted of being a lesbian just like any one who commits a sin should be !! Im sayin this because i love you bekka !!! me findin this out about u dosent change my position on bein ur friend.. But if ur openly livin in sin and dont care mabey u need to reevaluate your life (out of complete and utter respect) i love you but i dont wanna see you get screwed up with this"

Been messaging Lesley back and forth over the week. I am falling more and more in love with her every day. We share common ground with a lot of stuff, but I think I scared her off. I talked about my mom (just slightly, not the big bad stuff) but it was still pretty heavy. I hope I didn't scare her. She's a great girl, and apparently she doesn't have any close friends (which I desperately hope I can be one day) and we've kind of been connecting.

Yeah, I'm reading Stephen King's "The Stand"(unabridged, illustrated *drool*) and as I was reading, I suddenly remembered the bird flu, and how in the book, it's kind of put in the same way. So...I'm getting a little paranoid. I looooove the book though. I'm like, unable to put it down nowadays. Well, that's the way I am with any Stephen King book. I love him like no other author before him. I've read Tommyknockers, Desperation, Four Past Midnight, Insomnia, Dolores Claybourne, The Dead Zone, a book of short stories (can't remember what it was called), and some others that I can't remember.

you cut my wrist to see if i'd bleed
taught me about murder, fear, and greed
my heart is torn
my soul is black
you took my freedom
and i want it back.

comments please???

You cheated on me again

I'm sorry but I can't take this lie we're living in

How can I trust you with things that matter?

When all those lies just keep getting fatter?

Don't go taking that defensive stance

I'm not going to get into this crazy dance

Where you blame me

And somehow I agree

Again, I take the blame

Once again it's the same

I'm leaving you and I'm not lying this time

Positive input anyone? Seriously, it's really annoying when no one tells you what they think. But in actual politeness, it feels really nice when you guys tell us what you think about whatever it is. So if you read it, please leave a comment. It's the least you could do for the people who are willing enough to put their private thoughts on display.

Now, WHY CAN I NOT GET A GIRLFRIEND?!! Honestly, it's like every great-looking, sweet, nice girl has a boyfriend and is straight.

Okay, this is really starting to get to me. If it's not one, it's another. I have totally gotten over my crush on Lesley. The only problem is, the only reason I've gotten over it is because I have found a newer, even *more* unobtaibable object of my affections. Her name's Cortney and she's the lead singer of this Christian band. (They're called Crimson Ink. www.myspace.com/crimsonink. Go check them out, they frigging ROCK.)

Why me,

I cry as it happens once again.

When (inevitably) something stupid

once more comes from within.

People glance my way

as I curse my brain.

I'm smashing it in the wall

until nothing remains.

It's always day like this

that make me want to cry.

Those stupid little things I do

That make me want to die.

But then you come to take my hand

to lead me on my way.

Okay, I've been im-ing this person who's on my friend's computer and she asked if I was a lesbian 'cause she read my myspace profile and I told her that I was and she got all annoyed and told me she didn't like lesbos and I found it funny. Weird.

I wish I could quit you
Turn my back and
Walk away.
Every day I try to,
Shield my eyes and
Ignore you that day.
But then you go and do
Those things that
Make me sway.
How can I ignore you?
Duck my head
And say:
I'm through,
Finished and done
All the way.
I tell myself things that aren't even true,
That I don't deserve this
To keep my feelings at bay.
But my heart has decided who it wants to woo

The birthday card, which had somehow miraculously appeared on her dresser, was concealed in a plain white envelope, the only evidence as to who it was from was her instantly recognizable handwriting on the front. In that looping, somewhat calligraphy-like handwriting was a single word: Emily. It lay on her dresser like a beacon, screaming out the love that it contained. Emily sat on her bed, staring at the white square, tapping her fingers against themselves, trying to keep herself from rushing over and ripping it open like a rabid four-year-old on her birthday. But after five minutes, the feeling still hadn’t passed; Emily stood, still restraining herself and walked (slowly) over to the dresser. Ever-so-carefully, she opened the envelope, half-expecting a big, extravagant surprise. But all that was in there was a lone sheet of white stationery paper with three forget-me-nots in the top left-hand corner. In that same handwriting it read:

Whee! I'm writing on my school's computer so I've gotta go fast even though I dont give a crap if they see me. Anywho, *does a little boogie, but not really 'cause her math teacher would look at her weird as would the rest of the class, but does it on the inside.* Got to do TWO cool things today. FIRST actually got to teach my English class today. I seriously was up there, talkng to the class in front of the overhead.

Okay, first, went to see Harry Potter 4 today and was completelt blown away. I sat there for 2 1/2 hours just with my eyes glued to the screen. It was by far the greatest of all of them I personally have to say. Emma Watson was so adorable in that movie! Especially the ballroom scene with that dress, OMG, I literally like fidgeted in my seat and had to get my breathing back in order. And Voldemort is officially the new Darth Vader. He was the coolest bad guy there ever was.