SOLs are over, which means my core classes are just fun time now. in World Geography, we finished watching Pocahontas today and i am thouroughly convinced that movie is just one big acid trip. talking trees, colorful woodland animals running through the sky, human-like animals, clouds that turn into specific shapes...come on. somebody was hittin' something. my friend and i sat there and just made joke after joke about this movie. like the music though...

i have this hair thingy around my wrist, and i just flicked it...on my wrist...owwww....

i'm such a blonde...

that and i'm really, really worried about the girl i have a crush on. she broke up w/ her boyfriend a couple months ago and she still isn't really over it. not really the relationship itself, just the absence of one...she's starting to get the whole "I really couldn't give a shit what happens to me" look.

okay, last one for right now..i promise

I am a physical being
all heart, blood, flesh, and breath
i feel through every fiber of my being
anger flows through my chest
sadness closes my throat
fear eats at my stomach
such a strange thing though.
for such a physical being
i've never experienced
Joy.

i just realized
even my "friends"
are just fakes
with cruel words
and snide smiles.
Who are the Originals?
who can say:
"I act uniquely"?
no one can.
my friends insist
they don't follow the crowd
but every time their mouths open
they do.

that arch of the neck
the baring of the throat
so vulnerable
so alive
slip of skin
fine down along the jaw
hair, dark and light
falling into faces
innocent grins
soft laughter
tapping of fingers
their eyes flashing
so vulnerable
so alive

i don't wear makeup, don't wear girly clothes, or jewelry, i stick up for women's rights..i don't back down from telling people you shouldn't call things "gay", and i don't take any bullshit from guys...

i'm respectful to girls, i hold the door open for them, take off my hat to them, smile and nod to show i'm listening...i must be flirting...

hmm...i must be a...oh...wait a minute....

never mind...

okay, i'm in some deep doo-doo this time, and it's not even my fault. i have this friend you see we'll call him Bob...he *was* my best friend...not even my best friend, my twin soul. we..connected on a whole new level. enter my other friend who we'll call Nancy, who had an ENORMOUS crush on him all year. during this semester, the three of us kind of became this sort of trio. we couldn't have been happier, Nancy was on her way to slipping into Bob's heart.

ok so, this girl i have a SERIOUS crush on put this bulletin on myspace, it was a whole "tell me how you feel about me" type thing, but in a romantic sense. I wanted sooo much to answer it, but i was afraid i might freak her out, so i just reposted it with some title about heartbreak (because hey, who'd want to tell me they loved me?) and she messaged me asking why i wrote that title and i said something about a mixture of a random title moment and a depressed moment and she messages me back asking why i was depressed and she told me to fill out the thingy. so....i have no idea what to make of this right now. needless to say, i filled it out and sent it back, now i'm waiting for a reply...but i'm just excited because this is kind of a romantic survey and she asked me to fill it out...huh...

i wish i could drown myself in my sorrow
i'll just do it in your eyes instead
sitting here watching you
listening to the thoughts in my head
sweet sixteen
never been kissed
never really knew her
but she'll be missed.
life can be so cruel
dark and intimidating
i've yet to see the light
just the darkness i've been hating.
i fall asleep in your gaze
drinking it like wine
you flit through my dreams

funny thing happened today. i have this necklace i wear, it's like a dogtag necklace, but sans the dogtags, it's got rainbow beads on them. it's my little reminder to myself to be true to who i am. anyway, i was wearing it today and this girl looks at it, then looks at me and goes, "Doesn't the rainbow have to do with sex?" i think she was referring to these odd little jelly bracelets that seemed to be the rage for a while, the color represent different, ahem, postions, you're willing to do.

it's official. a memo went out to everyone. my heart as of today, is no more. done. finito. finished. why? you ask. it's simple my dear child. two of my best friends are on the very brink of becoming a couple, further proving to me that i will never find someone to love. at least, for right now. and it feels so....wrong. not them two being together, i couldn't be happier for them. but...it feels wrong that i don't have someone to hold and to love. it seems like all my life i've been surrounded by it, and now..it's gone. this sucks.

wow. i spent almost all of second period talking to this girl that i have a HUGE crush on. and i figured out that maybe we're not so different after all. i mean, on the outside, we're TOTALLY different.

Me: Odd, goofball, always making weird or raunchy jokes, messy hair always in my face, totally unconcerned with fashion or any of that stuff, liberal, rainbow bead necklace wearing, klutz.

Her: Silly, sweet, gentle, almost always perfect hair, great fashion sense, slightly liberal, pearls and diamond earrings, perfect grades, graceful.

okay, i'm a little pissed right now. i've been looking for tips on how to ask a girl out, being romantic, all that stuff and it's all straight stuff. so i looked up tips for teenage lesbians, nothing. nothing at all. i even got results for CHRISTIAN DATING under my search. i mean, i really shouldn't be surprised, but that's not really what surprised me. what's surprising is that when i get on gay-friendly sites, especially for teenagers, it's all about "coming out" or "telling your friends" or "what to do if you're gay bashed" or "i've got a straight crush, what do i do?" (not that there's anything wrong with a straight crush, i'm in the middle of one myself) but i'm kind of worried about it. i mean, i'm a well-adjusted 15-year-old lesbian living in a slightly homophobic enviroment, but nothing that i really have to worry about, where do i come in? what if i do meet a girl i want to date? any tips, any advice? no. i'm basically on my own, and to tell you the truth, i'm basically in the dark here. i have no idea on how to go about asking a girl out, flirting, any of that stuff. i mean, i'm fairly good at flirting and whatnot, but what about the socially inept, who's going to help them????

i know it's long, but it's worth it.

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you frighten me like no other
no can enter my mind
quite like you
with your emerald eyes
and piercing stare
you see through me
and my facade
and in those moments
i tremble in fear
for you have seen me.

you confuse me like no other
occasionally, i am your best friend
your confidant, your shelter

there's this pic of her; it makes soul sing and my stomach drop to my knees. i don't know what makes it so appealing, she looks like she always does, possessing the beauty beyond that of an angel; golden hair semi-wavy and pushed behind her ears. she's got these blue/green fairy wings and a black boa on. an adorable smile graces those perfect lips. i just scrolled down and there it was. my chest contracted, my heartrate sped up, my stomach dropped out for cover. i've seen plenty of pictures of her, hell, i see her 5 days out of the week, but nothing has made my heart do backflips quite like that one. there are times though....i'll be speaking to her and she'll give me a certain look that stops all synapses in their tracks. once at play practice, i was asking her something and she turns to look at me and i start laughing because (a) she looked so adorably cute doing it and (b) it was the only way to keep myself from kissing her at that precise moment. but she's found someone. someone who i hope is good for her and will make her happy. i just wish i was that person. but if she's happy with him, i'm happy.