okay...it's 2:34 in the morning and i can't get to sleep. bad thing is, late at night, i get really paranoid, so i'm always a little one edge at this time of night.

thankfully, my sister's up too. i love her so much. she's the best. but so's my other sister as well. they both rock.

these words tumble
from my hand like pretty stones
falling to the floor
to be scattered with the pieces of my heart.
i'm lost for words
and lost for life
searching
hurting
wondering.
my eyes are burning
but i refuse to blink
in case i miss the smile
you'll throw me like
your old clothes.
i'll stay here until the
night falls
like my hopes
straight from the sky.
you'll spin and swirl

yeah....my soul's hurting...

fuck...that only makes me think of her more.

i feel...betrayed almost...although i don't really know why. she knew it...she knows it...she knows i like her. and for the longest time, she was nice about it. she was polite to me, she was okay.

what the fuck happened? was she just afraid of me? who the fuck could be afraid of me? she avoids me...why? and on top of that, she won't tell me why. i asked her outright and she won't tell me. the only answer she gave me was: "some things are weird & awkward. idk how to explain it, i'm sorry." that was it. no a.) "i feel uncomfortable with you liking me and that's why i don't like it when you're near me." or b.) "i like you back, but i'm in a position where it wouldn't be good for either of us to like each other." nothing. just that odd answer.

you're cute when you're angry
your eyes shine
and your mouth puckers.
you stamp your little foot
and your dimples show.
like i said, you're cute when you're angry.
only, you've never been angry with me.
and i wish you would.
instead of this messed up
fucked up dance
we make.
avoiding each other
and somehow coming together.
i don't care
i don't care how you dance
i don't care
i don't care what you dance

you've broken my heart.
it's lying in pieces on the floor.
i stand there.
staring at it.
it used to be a bright, beating red.
it's black.
Dead.
you've killed my heart.
you took it within your hands.
knowing full well what you were doing.
you took the knife out of my back.
and you stabbed deep and hard.
I feel nothing now.
what happened?
what have i done to you?
I said I was sorry.

i cannot believe it...she fucking deleted me...

i don't know why this is pissing me off so bad, but it's really hurting. the girl i have a crush on, (who i'm slowly getting over and starting to become friends with) deleted me from her myspace and i don't know why. i went to comment on one of her pictures and it let me know i have to be "this user's friend" to comment, which is basically how i found out....

life spins in an endless circle
above our
Heads.
as we lay here
Listening.
Loving.
opposites ends
or somewhere in
Between.
your head on my shoulder
and mine on yours.
your hair's in my face
ever so slightly.
our eyes are closed and we
Smile.
Glad
of our freedom.
so close to each other
feeling our skin touch.
life spins in this endless dance
above our heads
and all around us
but every once in a while...

they do indeed make me happy. pre-prepared meals that are tasty and somewhat healthy. makes me feel like a little kid again...that's a bonus.

those chicken nuggets are really good too...even if they come with ketchup instead of barbecue sauce.

anywho....jesus...i wish i could figure her out. no, not jesus...though that would be nice. no names...because i don't feel like it. but anyway...she's one of the few people who confuses the hell out of me on a regular basis. i have no idea what goes on in that pretty little blonde head of hers...

ohhhhhhhhhh....god...

we were practicing yesterday and it was dress rehearsal...pretty good too, but we still needed to work a few things out. lesley and i are supposed to fall in the second act, and she has to bump into me and pull me down because the character's blind. so...we practiced doing that for about fifteen minutes...it was a bittersweet time. it was painful for both of us because well...we're falling on this hard stage. my spine accidentally came down on her hand one time..hard..i was so upset, i kissed her knuckles out of sympathy. ;) but the good part, at least for perverted ol' me, was the bumping practice, because she's running into me, and we're both faily slick with sweat given the humidity, and she's grabbing my shoulders and holding me close...

i have no idea what that means...but i really like the way it sounds...

i spent all of fourth period either doing stupid polynomials, because my math teacher's having knee surgery, and she wanted us to do something, or writing all over the back of my exam schedule. me and katelyn (i know it's not correct grammar, so shoot me) were listening to her iPod and randomly writing and doing the math crap. i wrote some really good stuff too. it was like...my first nice breakthrough for a while....katelyn is my muse, i swear to god. everytime i talk to her or i'm even around her, i just get inspired....yay. :>

i just saw X-3 tonight. it was pretty good. some parts i laughed. some parts i wanted to shout for joy at the sheer kick-ass intensity of it. some parts of i want to steal famke janssen and keep her just for me because she was so utterly HOT. and some parts i wanted to barf from the cheesiness of it.

and then some parts...i wanted to cry. because i absolutely understood it. everyone's been talking about the homosexual undertones to the movie...or maybe they haven't, i really couldn't care. but there were parts where i could feel it. could understand why they thought that. the whole "cure" thing scared the HELL out of me because i could see that being our future one day. i could see us lining up outside of clinics, desperate to be "cured" from this.

cowardice is such a lovely thing. finding the easy way out because you're afraid of the consequences. i thought i was over that. for years i never made a stir, never made a confrontation, always kept my head down and hands folded, afraid of being made a fool. i finally realized i would die miserable and alone that way, so i stopped. i don't back down from an argument, if you challenge me, i challenge you. i make eye contact, and scare the hell out of people if i don't like them. and i'm a better person for it.

i'm a whiny bitch, i know and i'm okay with it. but right now, my heart's in pieces. she's still in love with him. i know it. i hate him for hurting her, but i'm glad they broke up. he would've emotionally killed her if she stayed with him any longer.

but still....it hurts...

no..it's not a soap story or the next feature on oprah. two of my friends, guys i've know since second grade. they're both gay. they've both come out to me. but they don't know the other's gay and are terrified of them finding out. god. this is going to get interesting.