sorry to have to put the whole thing, i'm still technologically illiterate in a lot of things. it's good though.

http://wicked-windle.blogspot.com/2006/08/deals-deal-even-with-dirty-dea...

so yeah, i got my schedule a couple days ago and miraculously, i'm perfectly happy with it. got almost all the classes i wanted with the exception of creative writing. oh well, i can apply next year. other than that and that fact that i won't get my license until my seventeenth birthday, i'm cool. i've got classes with my friends. i'm happy. yay.

fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. shit.(variety) fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck.

SHIT.

i still have feelings for her.

dammit.

i guess i always knew, but i didn't want to admit it. god-fucking-dammit.

i wrote this a little while ago. i just got so tired of people saying they know what pain is. this is what came out of it.

you think you know pain? with your jaded ways and gilded hearts. your cynical pain. you know nothing. you know nothing of pain, nothing of sorrow, nothing of heart-break. you say you cannot go on, you lie in bed, wallow in self-misery of some petty boy or girl. you are empty.

okay, my dad hasn't come home yet, he's about an hour and half late, and i'm really starting to get worried. right now i'm just praying he's okay. i don't want to be an orphan or anything.

update: it's okay. he's home. yay.

*sigh*

the ONE person who's probably more right for me than anyone else in the world is the one person i can't have. the one person who's unavailable....and a guy....

shitfuckdamnitalldamndamnpissshitfuckgoddamncrap.

damn.

why god? why me?

i've figured it out.

i've figured out why these westboro baptist members and all their little followers hate gay people so much.

they're afraid of them. afraid of what they stand for. afraid of something different. it's like racism in the sense that these people are afraid of change. so they hide behind their religion and their "God" and say hateful things because they wallow in fear, they live in it.

i've stayed up longer, back when i was an insomniac sprout, but this old sixteen-year-old can't handle these all-nighters anymore.

i just want to sleeeeeeep...this bed in so comfortable....

but i can't, godammit.

HEY!!! GUESS WHAT!!!

Sometimes...sometimes...i forget who i am...

then i get really scared...and i wonder "Who am i?"

and I run around like a chicken with it's head cut off, screaming "I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM!!!"

and people stare and laugh because only silly people forget who they are.

but then i remember. i am a funny potato with their own song.

and i'm okay.

The End.

i've developed an enormous crush on meryl streep...and i don't know why....

she used to annoy me like no other, but i went to see "The Devil Wears Prada" a couple days ago, and...something hit me. i dunno what it was, but it just hit me. i mean, i'd always known she was a fantastic actress, one of the best, but she'd always rubbed the wrong way as a person. but after i saw the movie, i started to look some stuff up...

god, this is soooo frustrating.

i have a really REALLY great idea for a story. i have the whole thing planned out and everything, but i can't seem to put the words on paper and i don't know why. it seems like i can't translate what i see in my head into words that sound right.

man. this sucks.

i tried searching "Virginia Gay Youth". Guess how much i came up with?

a.) a lot
b.) a piddling
c.) one site
d.) a lot of bloody nothing

if you chose d.) you live in virginia!!! my god this is sad. i don't quite know what i'll accomplish from this post, but it just pisses me off that i live in good ol' VA.

Virginia is for lovers....some restrictions apply.

that is all.

my god, i'm soooooo bored. there is absolutely nothing going on. i'd go for a walk, but it's way too hot. i probably need to clean up the kitchen...that's going to be fun.

oy.

in other news, i've decided to be okay with who i am. i don't quite know what that means yet, but i know it means something. i'm trying to be okay with being single, but it's hard. but i'm doing better than i was and hopefully i can get on the path to being okay with myself. not my sexuality, i'm fine with that, but myself as a person. being okay with who i am altogether.

last night....i stood out on the deck and wondered what it would feel like if i jumped off. would i die? or would i break too many bones and spend the rest of my life in agony?

this isn't the first time i've contemplated suicide. i know it sounds harsh, but it's true. every once in a while, i plummet. straight down into an area i'm not familiar with. i don't think it's depression, but i don't know what it is...

five dreams.

i've had five dreams about her in the nine-month span i've known her.

five. fucking. dreams.

i know that doesn't sound like much, but i barely ever dream about the same person twice, let alone five times.

and even in those dreams, she confuses the hell out of me.

i need to stop. i really do. it's killing me, it's killing me. i can feel my heart withering and blackening with bitterness over her, and i don't want that, don't need that.