they've given lesbians a cookbook.

http://www.butchcookbook.com/

make sure and read the excerpt recipe about the green beans....

and i have done a few things i regret....

oh.....*facepalm* to the nth degree. ohhhhhh me. how grrrr-inducing.

1. i join my grandmother's church choir. i am an atheist, but i like singing....don't ask. it's the church i grew up in, so i figured i owed them something.

2. lovely woman is there. old enough to be my mother, but still, lovely.

3. i stammer and babble, ears catching fire any time i try to talk to her. i literally become a blushing, bumbling fool as she watches me with those cool blue eyes. she sits in front of me, and i have to resist the urge to play with those blonde curls.

4. it turns out, this woman has known me since i was a wee thing. she was talking to my grandmother earlier about how in her mind, i should still be a little kid.

>..<

it doesn't take the attraction out of it, but still...should i be weirded out by this? i dunno why that threw me so bad, but it did. i have to start going out with people my own age...or at least people who didn't coo over me while i was in diapers...

my father might not have a job after all. he's had some issues with finance in the past, and because he was supposed to working in a firm that leads back to homeland security, they did a background check on him...which i understand. i just don't understand why finances would prevent him...

that's pretty much it for right now....

well....i have to pee and i keep having dreams about my teeth falling out...

there is no god.

there is no heaven.

there is no hell.

there is no good.

there is no evil.

there is no black.

there is no white.

there are only people and their foolish beliefs.

while i have lost all faith in spirituality, religion, and organized ventures in general, i have not lost faith in humanity itself.

i only hope that one day we can see the path ahead, and not the pebbles beneath our feet.

if anyone cares, here are some pics of my new haircut...

http://a372.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/95/l_2437de447bb04b8e5670f...

http://a832.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/112/l_46c570d1d44fb4a5c912...

http://a362.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/15/l_fc55b3c38077c9d927bf2...

in other news, i'm home now, but leaving tomorrow, which means i have some laundry to do...

i'm just so....lost, right now. i don't even know where i belong anymore. i feel out of place at home, out of place at school, the only place i feel like myself is when i'm with my friends. well, i guess that's to be expected though, considering i've uprooted myself...

i read O Pioneers! by Willa Cather last week, and there was something one of the characters said in there...i'm not going to put down the direct quote, cause that would take too damn long, but he was responding to another character wishing she had the same kind of freedom he did, and he talked about how the downside to being a wanderer was that no one missed you, the only people who mourned you were the landlord and the baker...and that just really stuck with me, how people wish for freedom, but don't seem to realize how lonely it really is to be a "rolling stone."

thought i'd just put that out there....

should've brought my ipod. dangit...

i should probably be reading over for biology, but hell, i've got three hours till class starts, i've got time. right now i'm just sitting here, tick-tacking away by myself. it's nice getting paid for doing almost nothing....

it seems no matter what time i go to bed, or even what bed i sleep on, i never have a good night's rest. i dunno if it's just because my mind is so active or what, i just can't sleep well....

i keep having dreams about her. my (ex) friend. and i mean, it's not like, "oh nothing happened in this dream world, we're still friends." no, i'm still ambivalent towards her. in one dream we were at a country club and she tried to run me down with a car....

maybe i'm acting out my anxieties by manifesting them into a singular, visual cardboard cutout representation? another thing, she doesn't ever talk in my dreams, she's just there, doing all these things to scare and annoy me....

hmmm...

getting my hair cut and then going home for the weekend this afternoon! YAAAAAAAAY!!!!

mexican food tonight for me!

okay, not really, but it was in beijing at midnight EST...

even so, USA women's beach volleyball took the gold for the second time in a row.

ohhhh kerri walsh, you blue-eyed wonder you, just keep that cute mouth shut and we'll be juuuuust fine.

in other news, i'm getting my hair cut tomorrow, and i mean ALL off. pictures soon to follow.

also, i have to stop falling for middle-aged housewives, even if they are adorable and give me little smiles and have a cute butt. this is only going to lead to disaster. urgh....

trying to waste as much time till two, 'cause my classes have all been uber short today. didn't even have an english class, 'cause my teacher had a death in the family....

fuuuun times.

i love how caffeine makes me more focused and alert....i'm beginning to wonder if a small dose of like...adderal or whatever might actually help me, because in essence it's basically speed lite isn't it? or am i thinking of something else....? i dunno, it's something to think about...

i love my psyche teacher. didn't think i was going to like her when i first met her, but she's like perfect for my style of learning. really engaging and funny and loves the subject she teaches.

my bio teacher....she's nice. she's from venezuela, so she has a bit of an accent. not at all unintelligible, but....ehhhh, not so much for her. it's only a fifty-minute class though. i'm not looking forward to my lab class though. it is looooooooong. but i really like bio, so i'll survive.

met the theatre professor today. the good one. his office is jam-packed with figurines and photos and all this neat stuff. i'm apparently supposed to know him, but i don't remember him at all. he's pretty awesome though....

also, i have a job!!! i'm working in the computer lab.

that's really about it for right now....

taha....funny femslash makes me happy.

especially TDWP and disney ones.

in other news, i'm definitely saving up for a motorcycle, i got my student id today and i'm still madly in love with stacy london.

my (ex)crush is either ignoring me, avoiding me, or has had her cell taken away. either way, i haven't heard from her for a couple days.

that's bout it.

i'm going through what not to wear withdrawal.

i used to hate that show.

now i can't get enough of it.

i'm such a nerd.

that and i have a huge crush on stacy.

although clinton's kinda cute too.....

god.

i can't take much more of this drama. especially when i'm dealing with problems of my own... i was never cut out to handle relationships. i'm great at matchmaker, okay....maybe not so great, but please don't call me when they fall apart.

i just want to scream: GET OVER IT!

that makes me a horrible person, doesn't it?

urgh. maybe it's because i've been conditioned to never tell anyone about my feelings. i'm repression central.

oy vey.

i need a hair cut. badly.

and i want to cut it short. like, boy short. it's long enough to be put into a decent ponytail and that's too long for me.

here's what it looks like from the side: http://a856.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/78/l_611db6f2acd9276a4d624...

from the front...slightly: http://a404.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/123/l_f8d4a15d30edb1399d3a...

i don't have a camera and i don't make a habit of taking pics of myself, so i don't have a lot...

any suggestions?

i kinda wanted something like this: http://tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:7-dSpjuTccX2FM:http://www.hair-style...

but without the little fringe on the bottom, but it would make my face look so round....

maybe this? http://www.hairfinder.com/haircollections/mens04.jpg

i dunno...

help?

stacy london is just soooooo dreamy. wow....that's the first time i've used that word. but she is! she's so adorable, i love her.

anyway, today's been a much better day. haven't felt as depressed, talked to my dad and didn't cry at all (which is a big deal.) talked to one of my other friends, and today was just a better day.

i'm not used to feeling these emotions.

sadness.
homesickness.
loneliness.
depression.
fear.

i want to go home sooooo badly, but i know i can't. i have to be strong.

oh. ohhhhhhh, i see. i get it. they're hosting the olympics, this big sporting event, and we're supposed to forget about decades of communism, censorship, denial of basic human rights, torture, (the list could go on an on really) drop everything and have a big fucking kumbaya in that piece of shit they call a stadium?

all this talk about "forgetting about our differences" and "just being friends."

i get it.

it's like inviting uncle ernie the axe murderer to sunday brunch because it's "family time."

it's like ignoring the abusive, molesting neighbor because he helped you through a rough patch.

have we all suffered some sort of collective amnesia? or do we just choose to overlook their brutal treatment of tibetan protestors? their overzealous censorship? their nazi-esque facisim that they call national pride? their secretive sweatshops and gestapo eugenics tactics? for what? for cheaper products? for .99 cent toys that break in two seconds? a sense of nationalistic pride from having saved a buck?

it makes me sick to even watch it. we just all turn our heads and pretend we don't see the teens forced into sports to accrue as many medals as possible. the sickeningly big brotherly visa/nike/whatever commercials about "forgetting our differences." and reviewing the history of the olympics. the smog that covers beijing like the smotherer's pillow. the forced smiles. the sea of red, like the blood of so many revolutionaries.

have fun watching the olympics.