I feel imprisoned. It's all my fault. Have been flunking out at school so now the phones, the cellphone and the net have been taken from me.
I realised all my problems spring from a lack of self-esteem. I don't believe in myself.
I'm so scared that my relationship with my girlfriend will fail - again, I don't believe in myself. I'm so scared of going away in case I lose her.
I'm too much of a bleeding perfectionist and I'm so afraid of everything.
Hey sweetheart, I love you!!!!! This is your goodnight kiss - MWAH!!!! (Kissy kissy kissy... Haha, did that on purpose to off tick you.) I hope you'll stay and chat a little while - CHECK your inbox! Miss you like a crazy person misses his mind...
For the rest of Oasis, here's the story: mother has taken my phone, won't give it back, and can't use landline. Therefore, I am communicating with my life via this site. Hello life! Did I mention I love your pretty eyes?
They confiscated my cellphone.
Warning- mildly erotic. Okay, quite explicit.
The really best chocolate eclairs in the world remind me of her pussy. They remind me how much I like to suck her gently and extract the cream… I like to squeeze out the soft layers of creaminess, and watch them ooze onto the soft pastry, and onto soft skin. The eating of eclairs is a sexual experience. Their perfect sweetness, and illicit decadence remind me of the overindulgence of her flesh as I brush it with my lips. The darkness of the heady chocolate – her curls. And the chocolate rush; the rush of her moaning from deep within her body – a sound that is translated simultaneously into shivers through my abdomen and breasts. Oh god… I bite my lips to restrain the sighs. …The slight aromas, the hungry taste, the glorious submission of the act itself: the act of making love to her with my tongue. And all the words I want to say, I sketch with my tongue in naughty flicks with my licking. Soft, sweet, slow – right to the centre of the universe. Past the dryness and the wetness, the smooth and the pelted folds. Tasting all the flavours. Past the barriers and the secret doorways to secret places…right to the origin of taste. Right to the saltiness that is sweeter than too much sherbet. The sweetness between her legs – not of sugar, but of delicious sex- Pure sex. The girl is pure sexy.
Trust:........ it takes years to build it, a moment to break and forever to earn it again. Forever is made up of little days. Every day spent earning that trust, giving the other's heart reasons not to break. Trust is love - and yes, love is earned.
Hmmm... thought process.
Can I let her in? Maybe the problem is not with her at all - maybe I'm not sure what I'd be letting her into. No one's ever come as close as she has before so I've never had to be that open or honest before. When the mouth of the liar opens to tell the truth, nothing comes out but sand. Maybe, I'm just scared. Scared because I'm happy - it's all good. But I do trust her, so much it's scary. I've just got issues with myself. But I'm trying... she doesn't realise I'm trying. Babysteps, babysteps... but all she wants are marathon sprints. All she values are the marathon sprints. The orgasms, the declarations of love and complete submission, the fainting spells, the drama, the heartache and depression, the need for cigarettes and drinks, the passion, the heat, the "i can't live without you", the love, the need, the ache, the pain and ecstacy, the madness, the rashness, the romeo and juliet moves.
It's like I'm living in a TBN soap opera. Every day (episode), I hear more outrageous things about people who've been talking behind my back. A group of Lower 6's (one year younger than me) have decided that they're gonna pray for me and my girlfriend so that we're delivered from the evil of homosexuality. At least they're not throwing rocks... Haha... I just find it so amusing but intrusive and offensive too. How dare they think I need "jesus" - they don't know anything about me - I'm fine with my God, thank you very much, especially on the issue of my being gay... If they wanna pray, they can pray about me being a better person.
Yeah so, my girlfriend- a few of you might know her... and I got drunk after the SATs on Saturday, and we went out for icecream (driving drunk- tut tut). Anyway, we went to this fastfood joint, and as we were leaving, I was getting in the car head first and my girl plopped icecream on my back and licked it off lavishly.... Oops! Coz, she started gigling and said that "that white family saw me do that." So I looked up and tried to act like nothing was happening, but it wasn't just some random family - it was the family of the most christian, know-it-all, perfect, sanctimonius, I've-never-committed-a-sin-in-my-life girl in our yeargroup and she just smiled at us and walked away with her eight brothers and sisters.
This damn machine keeps posting twice
Msg to the one:
"What if it hurts? that's what I was thinking. But maybe, what I'm more scared of is making the commitment - not to you, but to myself. To be honest to myself and explore who I am fully. To be proud of me too. Coming out is like forcing me to also look at ALL areas of my life - to face the fear of being terrific when i am, and not trying to pretend i'm perfect either. To give this Aileen chick a chance to breathe, and quit with the neurosis and desperation to edit her 24/7.
Must've clicked the damn button twice
I can't seem to do anything... Okay, maybe it would be better to say I can't seem to do anything right. I keep fucking up coz I don't wanna try.
There's like a whole pile of work I have to do right now - SATs are next week saturday, and mock exams are like in a month, but I can't start working. I just stare at my books, and I can't move.
I think I'm scared. I'm doing it again - sabotaging myself: there's a part of me that wants me to fail, so that I'm not thrust on this path that others have predestined for me. Conformity, entering the system of college, job, marriage, children, pension, death = mediocre and ugly. My dream life would be just to disappear. Screw school, nothing they teach me is important: I'm only taught what will perpetuate the system anyway. They censor what we're allowed to learn. I'd like to disappear and travel the world - not first class or anything, just hitchiking and walking for miles and working menial jobs as I go. I wouldn't want to be rich, just rich with the beauty of the places I visit. I'd just want to write books that will never get published, learn languages, meet people, live, love, marry this wonderful woman I love (and have our families out of our hair) have wonderful sex, be free, and die without anybody really caring. I'm tired of life on this pedestal - always scared I'm gonna fall off and crack something. Really, I just want to be free of needing people to accept me, free of their judgements in my head - always hunting me down. I want to be free of people looking up to me too, as well as people loking down on me.
I think I'm better than a lot of people. Call me what you will. But in doing so, realise (that's how non-american english spells it) that you're proving me right - you expose your ignorance, and you look like a fool. Even if I look like a fool too - it doesn't matter, because you're proving me right.
And don't start an argument you don't want to fight.
Haha... next I'll write a poem because I feel sorry for poor Ghosba sensei, and I want to give him/her/it something to tear apart to feel better about the way people (myself included) have been ripping apart his/her wack poetry.
My girl just made a video of me and her making out and it was soooooo hot! Right now she's in the kitchen eating and so I'm logged on. So weird how oasis has become this compulsion I can't quit. Anyway, bye lovers til tomorrow.
Today, the black man in Africa gets to bunk off work coz it's Africa Day. I don't know why the hell we have an Africa Day -after all, you don't see Europe having a Europe Day- but I'll take it. Hmmm... Wonder if every continent has a day?
I realised that I am bisexual - shock horror gross, I know. I'm still in mourning, but I can't pretend I've never been, and never will be attracted to men, because that'd be lying. I'm attracted to people. Black, white, brown, male, female, inbetween, old, rich, younger than me, rich, poor, blind, deaf, related to me (yes, I did kiss my cousin!) or blue with purple spots, it doesn't matter. - I'm more attracted by a person's personality than by their wrapping. That is why I could never be attracted to a stupid person. That's my biggest turnoff, after someone being morbidly obese.