I'm back in the city after a month of purgotary in Southern California, the supposed home of The L Word. I found myself wallowing in the complete shallowness of everyone I met and everything we did......I felt like I was shrivelling up from a lack of interesting activity/conversation. Maybe, I just didn't get to see the great parts of LA etc, but really, I'd take New York any day, any time.
i'm not a girl. the mutilized gender of walking vaginas, constantly crossing or spreading their legs. deriving their only power from manipulation - what they can make you do to or for them. i am not a girl. i wasn't born to be fucked. i wasn't born to be second. i am lilith, hava -not eve. i can't breathe in this room full of the lies they've told me. pink is not a color i chose.
the woman identified woman - radaclesbians 1970
and the knife she used to cut me was the blunted one from the drawer of kindness, and she cut me by accident, when i was chopping onions in the kitchen and by mistake looked up to see her caressing her new lover's cheek as they stood on her lawn. And the tears from the onions blurred my vision, and she cut me with my own hand. And I felt foolish feeling jealous, or feeling anything at all, because I was here in my kitchen and she was there across the street, and she was entitled to her happiness that i for so long had provided, and still wanted for her too.
i really want to be loved. again.
i want to love. again.
i want my stars, sun and moon to rise in someone again. or at the very least i want someone to share this new life with: to laugh with and hang out with and go out to dinner and concerts with. it doesn't even have to be serious, but it can be too.
my problem is i'm really too timid for my own good.
i think i found her though-the girl i didn't know i was looking for until i met her. now all i have to do is get out of my own way.
My teeth bleed
My gums are streaming
Lips ache, swollen.
Tear,s for kisses of which they will never again partake,
Blood on the floor, on my chin, in your hand.
I'm once again a vampire- a full, fat leech
Plump on your juices
And I've fallen off...
I can't seem to find a way back into you.
I grope with blind,
fingers for your holes, for your crevices;
Seeking to fill you again
i'm caught in your dirty sheets, tangled in your scent
in your hair
i crave only to find you
somewhere on my tongue
we trap heat between us
friction rubs the rest of our skin clean off
all that separates me from this stranger, you, is being
eye contact that holds no love-
just maps to unzipped pants and unhooked bras
blindly i grope
I just could be the luckiest girl in the world. You have no idea how beautiful she is... she steals my breath and leaves me yearning. And the more she feeds me, the hungrier I get.
Iwe!!!!!!!!!!!! as you'd say. I can't get over this play!
"See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand!
O that I were a glove upon that hand,
That I might touch that cheek!"
"Love goes toward love, as schoolboys from their books,
But love from love, toward school with heavy looks."
"Can I go forward when my heart is here?
Turn back, dull earth, and find thy centre out."
Don't be afraid to succeed. People with low self-esteem are often afraid to succeed because they feel they don't deserve success.
I was scared this year. I found comfort in self-sabotage, like let me trip myself before somthing else trips me... I found that utter failure was much more comfortable a concept for me to deal with than possible success. Failure matched the image I had of myself.
If only I knew what I was doing - evading issues, side-stepping... doing anything to avoid being me, cause the idea that I could deserve to be happy scared the shit out of me.
I feel flat like someone stood on me and forced all the air, and all the energy out of me like a balloon.
A was talking to me today - apologising in Debate Club for something. I thought she was apologising for hating on me being gay - so I was like all energetic to forgive her, but she wasn't. She ws only apologising for calling my girlfriend hormonally imbalanced and masculin......long mother-fucking ass story. And I was like: oh my fucking god, you still don't get it. You're frigging apologising over the goddamn wrong thing - be sorry because you were wrong to hate us for being gay, be sorry because you said i was abnormal and perverted for being in a relationship with a girl and "flaunting" (PS I've been in the closet forever), be sorry because you looked at me and jugded me and expressed sorrow for my future children who will have no choice but to be fags like their sinful parents. God. R all straight people so tedious? Was I like that when I was straight? Am I judging her now?.....fuck fuck fuck.
What will have changed? What will have remained the same; untainted, unphased?
What will have fallen apart? Is love and life that strong when ripped apart?
How will I miss the warmth of home- the gentle touches - when I am once again enveloped in her clutches?
What will be unbearable now, that once was food for my joy?
It's hard to explain but the indifference washes over me already - like home won't be good enough:
I'm in the city. Today we drove through harlem - looks like most of England. Went to the Guggenheim museum- fun fun. Yeah so I'm doing all the tourist bullshit sites. Ooh yeah and I went shopping almost got left behind by the bus! I'm, in love with my FA - he's so gay / he's so polish (can't decide yet). There's this guy here who looks just like, only better than josh hartnet. And there's another guy who's so beautiful and attractive it shouldn't be allowed. Haha... but they don't have shit on this other person i'm in love with. Can you guess who? Haha... I love you baby!
I'm in shock... My mother just told me she had a girlfriend when she was sixteen or fifteen. Of course it wasn't hectic (considering it was 1974 and love was holding hands and "snuggling up in each other's beds after lights out in the dormitory" in Ghana), but they were an item. Shit. I didn't know what to say. It freaked me out. I just ran away and started hyperventilating. Shit. Shit shit shit shit. I can't talk to her. Fuck. Then she tried to pull the 'mum know's better than you' card, and she said "see, that's why you make me laugh when you think you're doing things that I know nothing about." Long story - basically, I told her I was gay, coz she thought I was having sex with a guy, and I said "no, coz I'm not into guys" and well... so I never actually said the words...just kinda let the sentence drift into nothing, and then out of the beautiful blue sky she drops this un-asked for statement, and I'm like "what the fuck?" P.S. I didn't mention anything bout my girlfriend, coz, well -duh.
I'm having a bit of trouble at school and my parents were called in to talk about how I'm failing everything. Sigh.
Anyway, they think I'm depressed and have lost my enthusiam to live.... well, it's kinda true coz I'm coming out and the way people are reacting is a bitch. Hypocrits. Sorry, I just like that word. So these "friends" of mine saw my mum and dad come to school to talk to the deputy head and my teachers and they all thought that they were punishing me about my "filth". Quote unquote. Hmmm... silly sanctimonious christians. They talk to me like it's all lekker and then they'll be laughing behind my back, all laughing in "code", like today in the library when they were obviously talking about me and kept cracking gay jokes.