I really miss Edmonton lately... I just don't have very good friends here and I miss the ones I used to have. They never were shocked by me. All they usually did when I told them stories or personal things was smile and tell me that they would always be my friend. I invited a friend over to watch movies last night but he never showed up so I was a little miffed at him but then I decided I wanted to just be alone. I phoned all my sisters back in Edmonton instead and I felt better. They are doing fine but sometimes I feel like I went away from my home to fight a war and sometimes it becomes so treacherous and scary and I can't help but feel all alone. The war is mainly in myself. I gain territory in some areas but then I lose in others and right now I feel that my defense has become weakened and I am very sensitive. War is too hard when you don't have strong allies and you don't understand your enemy. Living alone is... well, lonely hehehe.
lately I feel like I'm drifting away from the glbtq community. And no it is not because of my previous journal entry if you must know. I have been for awhile now ever since I moved back to the small town where it all started. I even went back to the school I used to go to for one semester. It was such a horrible flash back at first but soon the horrible old memories were replaced with new memories of sticking up for myself and the glbtq community.
Well, I've realized lately that I don't want to have a sexual orientaion. I'm comfortable with myself enought not to have one. Sometimes I am ver charmed by guys. They are usually quite older though. But for the most part I am physically attracted and emotionally attracted to women. I dunno. I don't really believe in bisexuality... I think that you can't put a name on sexuality... It just happens.
Shit it is crazy how much I've changed since my last journal entry.
I actually hate my old journal. It sucks because for some reason I just couldn't see the bigger picture. Damn I feel like a dumbass just reading it. Thank god that was almost a year ago...
Anyways, current situation- living with my mom in a different town in Alberta Canada.
I am 18 so I can drink now which is awesome. i love having a beer after work.
Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah BLah BLAH BLAH BLAH ...............
blah... blah blah blah... blah blah. blah blah blah blah
Man that poem used to suck until I hid it somewhere.
welll... it used to be stupid. I love editing my past :D
One poor quality picture.
Light pours from a corner on the floor of an unruly mess.
It's like a stab in the back, like a warm cup of milk
that will drift you to slumber on the coldest night.
It's like a cat in the darkness, all you see is a shimmer
of it's neon honey eyes that dart into invisibility.
There's an orange tinge embodying the the walls, the air, all eyes, and all
that want and adore and dream and love and see what's not seen in you by others.
A girl sits on a couch resting her head on her closed fist in a dark unfinished basement. She is watching a movie, "10 things I Hate About You" on a small black an white television screen. In the background are the stairs. A phone rings twice.
Enters step-mother with a phone in her hand.
Mother: The phones for you.
Girl: Oh, Thnx (grabs the wireless phone and gets up to turn the T.V. off. Her voice is tired and hopeless.) Hello?
For the record I never did find the letter. Actually I just decided to let fate take course and see what happens. Ironically my friend never gave her the letter... I was disappointed but I guess it was for the best because honestly I wanted to make Sarah miserable. Horrible but I won't lie to you. She betrayed me and lied to me through out our whole "friendship" thing. Like I said, she didn't need to lie to me about that guy... or moving away or anything. Personally I am hurt but I enjoy watching her be miserable because I have had many broken hearts so I know what it's like but she hasn't had any so it must really hurt. My friend said that she was ready to be friends again. He told me she was heart broken. And I just said "GOOD!". Of course I don't really mean it... Because I'm miserable too. I miss being able to talk to her and I hate how I got so angry and I hate how something so wonderful turned so sour but I don't regret the things I said. I just need to find a good way to make ammends... I just need time to get over it.
I made a HUGE mistake... I freaked out at Sarah... I'll give a brief:
Basically We had a twisted friendship where we loved eachother but she was confused so it was on and off. We were kind of more than friends. Many people saw that but she never told me how she truly felt. But I knew she lied to me a lot because she was close to my friends and told them many things that they in turn told me. So I knew the truth about everything. I won't explain in too much detail. Basically She was confused, uncomfortable around me... but liked me. confusing huh? Well one day she told me she went out with a friend and he thought it was a date. Again another lie. The lie that made me snap. apparently that was her boyfriend! So basically she had been dating this guy for a week or so and at the same time kept me close. His name is Chad I guess. Now don't get me wrong. I am not angry that she has a boyfriend. I am mad that she never bothered to tell me about it. I had to find out from a friend.
It has been about 1 year since I've been out so I am going to have a little celebration for myself this weekend because no one else really cares that I've come out anymore. So to kick off my "long" weekend of self celebration I'm going to start with my story! YES!
It started about with this extra credit school project I was doing for English. I was really stuck because it was supposed to be a project about me and my family and well, frankly I didn't care much for family and I was such a closet case that I didn't know how to express myself on a poster board. But one day it I was at a thrift store with my sister Brooke (who knew I was lesbian) and she bought me a second hand tuxedo. I was so excited and I told her I would where it during my presentation. Then it appeared so clear to me... It was like listening to a choir of angels sing halleluhladfdfgg (however you spell that friggin word). I said "I am going to come out." I said it calmly and my sister gave me the biggest hug ever. My sister Brooke means the world to me. So I had about 4 days to prepare my project and I wanted it to be something I would remember for the rest of my life. I wanted to become the person I wanted to be so I took a picture of one of my favorite guy haircuts (for the record it was a sort of emohawk gone Courtney) and got my hair cut like a boys because I wanted to. It looked hot too but now my hair is a shag and it's even better *wink. My friend Ashley came to watch "the cutting of the long hair" and she was very excited when it was done. Although the hair stylist wasn't too thrilled. When I asked her to cut my hair like that she was like "what?". Then I said "look, I'm not asking for a sex change I just want my hair cut. Okay?". Oh it was grand. Then over the weekend I constructed a big giant Sushi roll on a poster board. It was a brilliant idea. I called it "My life in a Sushi Roll". For the record it was a California Roll. The outer layer was the rice. In other words what people see on the surface which was a bright, smart, poetic, kind person. The Nori (seaweed wrap) was the layer I used to protect myself from the world. Then the inside was the crab, avacodo and cucumber which was my desires, who I really am, and every other little detail about my personal, hidden self. After that I constructed a purple bow tie and handkerchief for my tux while I watched the Ellen Degenerous show.
If I were to write you a letter it would describe the waves and how they come and go like love. It would describe being light as air as if one were swimming in tropical mist. And how nothing is ever concrete in the ocean with the moon and her tides which the world abides to yet revolves freely from. It would paint a picture in your mind of a boat upon mist in the water. You would taste the salt and feel the haze upon your damp fingers where undreneath sand lies upon your nails. I would see the skies reflect upon your eyes as they bubbled in upon grey sand. And Black clouds would clash with every splash of the violent slashes of the shore. And sea beds would scream everytime they came with grey anger in their eyes. And sea walls would stand tall in spite of it all slowly as they wither.
If I had to do this whole last month over again I would do the same things I've already done. Yes I've made mistakes and yes I've gotten into fights with my beloved person but it's really okay. I think that we are closer than ever now and I am happy that we went through all of this together. At least we suffered in silence together in a way because we knew we caused eachother pain. I think it is safe to say I love her because If I didn't love her I would have left her a month ago. I am glad that I have waited, it was totally worth it even though our relationship is still struggling. I mean, We've never actually done anything but the tension is there. I just want to make sure that she is absolutely sure that I am what she wants.