lol, i'm SOOOOOOOOO fucking happy right now. and i can only tell you part of it, cause the other part is a SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!! haha, you'll find out soon enough, my pretties.

but the other part....god, the other part. there's a girl. a....wow. this amazing, beautiful, gorgeous, intelligent, funny, caring girl. who wants ME!! it's crazy....SHE'S crazy!! but...maybe not?

is it too easy? too quick? too much? too soon?

it felt this easy the last time, and look what that got me. but....can i always be judging now by then?

i want it so much. i want to drop everything and go running into her arms. but god, i'm so afraid.

and it's not just us...it's the ocean too.

but it's so much fun, like this, and i want more. so much more.

i'm so afraid

the date is too far away, i know i can't wait that long

but am i strong enough to do something sooner?

am i sure enough of you? of me?

BD

OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE INDIGO GIRLS ARE GONNA BE PLAYING HERE IN MAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LIKE, HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I CAN'T WAIT TO ORDER TICKETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'M SO FUCKING EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT'S GONNA BE SO FREAKING AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so...i'm starting to realise that R fucked me up pretty bad, in ways that i'm only just starting to see.

i don't regret anything...not a thing. but....well, i'm a bit fucked, ya know?

i feel like my heart has been ripped out and torn into little tiny pieces. and every time i start to heal, she does something else.

but i love her, i really do. and i made a promise that i'd enver leave her. and i'll stick by that, because....because it's my duty. and i don't mean that in the way 'duty' is used today. it's not a burden, it's an honor.

i can't seem to do anything right these days.

i'm so bad with people. and i know you all don't believe that, but i am.

i know how to give, but i'm so bad at taking.

and whenever i try to be good, and take care of myself, i ALWAYS wind up hurting others.

i feel horrible right now. i don't want to talk about it, i just want it to be better.

i feel so lonely, and sometimes, it's better to be alone when i'm like this.

cause i don't want to hurt the people around me.

and the only comfort i have, at least sometimes, is that they care.

and now my mom isn't talking to me, and i feel like shit.

so, here's what happened.

my mom is a blood donor, and it's like, really important to her. whatever.

so sunday, the blood bank she donates to had this big lunch/celebration thing recognising all it's 10 gallon donors (she's one).

she got to invite a guest, and since my dad didn't really want to go, i said i would. not my idea of a good time, but free food, whatever.

my mom tells me we need to leave at 11 hte next morning, so i need to be ready by then.

....if only she were mine.

oh, the sweet, sweet things i'd do to her.

i'd whisper in her ear, letting only my breath touch her skin

i'd stand behind her and hold her close to me

i'd lie next to her on the grass, and kiss her slowly and softly

i'd hold her in her sleep, protecting her dreams

i'd trail my fingers over every inch of her soft skin, until she trembled beneath me

i'd hold her hand in the grocery store, and kiss her fingers when no one was looking

i'd hold the door for her when seh got out of my car

this is for nights spent crying
sobbing into my arms
clutching a pillow to my chest
and weeping for my loss

this is for the whole in my chest
the gaping bloody wound
who's scar still mars
the fabric of my soul

haha, i'll finish this later, i just don't feel too creative right now.

BD

i'm going to a barbershop for the first time...yay.

i'm having a rotten day so far. i'm just....ick. i know i should be pushing myself, but i can't quite care enough.

i know i'm sliding slowing into being depressed, but.....oh well. ah, fuck. i'm being stupid.

i'm just having a bad day. my parents are...i love them. they're good people, they're good parents. and i'm growing up, and...i feel like half the time, i'm just not a part of their lives.

okay, people, i'm feeling the need to clear the air.

a week ago, or so, JMY and i started talking, which led us to joking, which led us to our rubber ducky children.

we've now been talking quite a bit, which is great! she's a really wonderful person, and i love being her friend.

but that's it! a few of you have made insinuations, or blatent comments, about us being interested romanticly in each other, and it needs to stop.

for one thing, we literally live across the world from each other. for another, we're just friends! so cool it.

...hate to join the suicide brigade, but shoot me now.

okay, that was horrible, but....okay, tat was just horrible.

*sigh* i have icecream. thus the nightmare inducing purple dinasour is singing in my head. tanya huff has it right...that show is a sign of the apacolypse. but that's another story.

i'm going to see the laramie project tomorrow, with Em. i already mentioned that, i think. i'm nervous. i don't much wnat to be crying in front of a bunch of strangers...but at least this time, Em'll be there for me.

sweet tomorrow, sing your song
catch me in your arms and swing me around
lift me up on your breeze and catch me if you can!

the sweet promise of maybe
is thick enough to touch tonight
so heavy is the swell

of her milk laden breasts
i kneel before her
and worship at the alter of chance

what infinate, beautiful possibilies
slamming us through the universe
pelting us with choice and desire

ehh...that one is kinda weird. lol

BD

i'm half asleep still...sleepywarm, like my dad used to say when i woke up from a nap. warm and...just...warm. i feel like the cat they named me, relaxed, languishing in the simple pleasure of being. and really not thinking that much about it.

i want to fall asleep...i want to recapture that warmth again. but i can't sleep without blankets, which means i have to have my window open...and already the warmth is seeping away.

i want to cuddle with someone. hold her close, hear her heartbeat. i wonder what it is about a heartbeat that is so soothing...rhythmic, like the ocean.

stars wheel across th heavens
flashing through my mind
through open branches of the trees
slashing across the night sky

each freckle on my skin
is an angel kiss
and i wish upon falling stars
and sing to the moon

to bring you home
and eventually you come
but it's changed
everything has changed

and the green grass is still beautiful
in late afternoon light
and the trees still glow when the wind blows
but it's not the same

not quite the same
everything feels off
like the lense of my world
is broken and frayed

like a roap untwining, each breath of air

to you
my one and only
my everlasting
oceanwaves upon the shore

wear away the rock to sand
and sand to dust
dust to silt
and silt to land

land which grew the trees
to build the house
which craddles me safe
in her arms

arms that are yours
yours and yours alone
strong and firm and gentle
oh, so gentle

gentle like the soft spring breeze
whispering across my face
and building, building!
to crash through trees

crash through me like a falling star
wake upon my shores and know you are home
let me lift you in my arms
and keep you safe