i'm calmer. feeling less like a total failure, and more like...just me. i just needed to rant, earlier.

i'm talking to Jake right now :D haven't talked to him in ages...which is really my bad, but still. he used to be my best friend, and now we hardly ever talk. but he's cool, he's a big sweety. and gender queer/bi, so that's cool.

now i'm just waiting for J to get on...gah, want to talk to her so bad. and tell her my pretty cool new news about going to AU...which i'll tell y'all about AFTER i tell her, cause, ya know, she gets privaliage. :P

so yeah. i'm better. :)

BD

fuck fuck fuck FUCK!!!!!

i HATE being so far away!!! you're crying, and i can't hold you, and it makes me want to scream!!!!!

i can't DO anything! i can't talk to you, or hold you, or fix everything and make it all okay!!

that's all i want. i want everything to be okay for you.

i'm so worried about you. i know you're with your friend, but she's not me, and i want to be there for you. i SHOULD be there for you.

i want sex. so badly. my body craves another's touch...HER touch.

but....since i'm not hung like zeus....wow, i just managed to make a reference to greek mythology while talking about how much i want to make love to my girlfriend. i REALLY need to get a life.

and i do. i want to touch her so much. and i know she'll read this later, which makes it....odd, to write. cause i'd rather be saying it to her.

haha, raging hormones nad all that. SEX. always on my mind.

in the lockerrooms...yeah, i've got about a million fantasies there.

or backstage at her theatre.

you're my one and only
my wish upon a falling star
shine so bright
like the twinkle in your eye
that beckons to me like a lighthouse

and i come, inextricably pulled
in and in and in to you
to crash upon your shore like
sea waves on rocky crags
and cling to you like you're the last thread of hope

and hope i do
that i'm fit and worthy and not found wanting
that you won't see all the doubt in my heart
but if you do
you'll lift me up despite them and make me shine

my heart sings when i hear your voice
as though you're one violin and i'm the other
and when you strike a note

i have a migrane. i've had the fucker all day.

i just took my meds, but they haven't kicked in yet.

AND THE FUCKER WHO LIVES NEXT DOOR JUST STARTED FUCKING DRUMMING!!!!!!

what the hell have i done to deserve this???? it's TORTURE. it's bad enough that i feel like i have an icepick stuck just above my left eye, now i have to have badly timed pounding, too?

i mean, seriously!! WTF?????? WHY ME????

gah!!!!!!!

the drummer boy must die.

BD

i'm being lazy today. i should be writing e-mails, and stuff, but i'm being lazy instead.

i think about J all the time.

i should go out blading, or go to the drugstore to get a calling card, but i'm too damn lazy.

and my head hurts. i know i should take my meds, but they are SO nasty. like...you know how you feel when you hear fingernails on a chalkboard? how your whole body sorta cringes when you think about that? that's how they taste. lol, weird analogy, but...best you're gonna get.

i just had breakfast with R....i have a migrane, and i'm exhausted. guh.

breakfast was so weird. i dunno. i just didn't want to be with her this morning. she has a rather shrill voice, and she kept talking really loud...yeah, real good when i have a migrane. ugh. i just had an awful time.

and i'm so tired. haha, it took us like, 2 hours to say good night last night!! me and J, that is, lol, not me and R.

lol....so, we're trying to find a free way to talk. and, of course, skype is wonderful.

yeeeeaaaah.....well, mics help, lol.

so first, i couldn't find mine (cause i'm brilliant like that), and now hers isn't working. :(

lol, it's all good. gah, i want to hear her voice. and....wow. lol. it's different, talking to you guys about someone you know. like, if it were anyone else, i'd be totally sharing everything that's on my mind. but since you know her....i dunno, it just seems....weird, to tell you EVERYTHING.

OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

last night was AMAZING. i can't TELL you guys how amazing it was!!!!!!! and i don't CARE if i'm gonna be in debt to my parents for the next five years for the cell phone bill, IT WAS AH-MAY-ZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:D :D :D :D aussie accents are SOOOOOOOOOO cute. specially hers. lol

so yeah, J called me 3 times last night, lol, from a party she was at. haha!!! it was so funny!!!! and adorable!!!!!! OMG!!!!!

haha!

lol

SOOOOOO

i'm moving to australia!!!!!!!!!!

okay, i have big news, and i'm really excited, and really nervous about it.

um....well, as of today, assuming everything goes well, i'm going to be moving australia, hopefully in late june, or early july.

WOW!!! right?? me, who's never been more than a few hundred miles from home! like, WOW!!!

i'm SOOO nervous about the whole thing, but i'm really excited too!!!

but like, adventure of a lifetime, huh? like, if i can do this, i can do freakin anything!!

i think i just had the best sex of my life. like....wow. guys, you've had it right the entire time. FUCK yeah.

i was hanging around downtown, and...wow. this, this dyke. like, sooooo butch. bleeched hair, shades, like. :P she was GORGEOUS, and so hella hot.

and we got to talking, and...things got heated. like, so fast. haha, this's never happened to me before! we were flirting up a storm, and, like making out.

so Em and i hung out today.....saw the absolue most GORGEOUS cop EVER. she was......SOOOOOO hot. like, WOW. anyway, that was cool.

and i ran into my 'big sister', who isn't actually my sister, lol. she's a few years older than me, and we grew up across the street from each other, and she was like my big sister.

so that was really cool, cause she said she's coming to my bday party, which ROCKS.

okay, i have like, 2 seconds before i have to go, cause i'm already gonna be LATE!!!!

gah!!!

okay, so, i'm just really happy! cause even though stuff still kinda sucks, it's looking up, and it's just nice to have your faith confirmed like that!!

2 weeks, bitches!!!!!!!!!! 2 freakin weeks til i'm a legal adult!!!!!! and there's other exciting news, but again, i've been sworn to secrecy, and now i'm making a big deal out of it, and y'all will prolly be totally let down/not excited about it, cause it's prolly not THAT big of a deal for you guys, but IT IS FOR ME!!!!!!

"i'm lonly tonight
i'm missing you
i wanted you love
but you're giving it out"

dunno. just blah right now. i don't want anything, i don't feel like giving. i should just go to bed before i get depressed.

i can't think right now...well, i can, but i shouldn't.

god, this song is amazing.

i shouldn't think about being thousands of miles from home, or of moving too fast.

i shouldn't think about leaving, or going, or anything.

i shouldn't even think about my upcoming birthday, and how much i want it to be good, and how afraid i am of the future.

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OH yeah!! how true!! :D

BD