i appear to have pulled about 4 muscles in my lower back. OW. it's actually a lot better than it was last night, when the pain woke me at 5ish....i almost started crying at one point.

it hurts so bad. my whole back feels like it's clenched towrad my spine, and movement of just about any kind hurts it even more.

fuck. i can't quite care yet that it's my party today. i just really want it to stop hurting.

i'm a bitch! you guys don't seem to get this. but i am.

i don't like random people messaging me and saying "hey, we went to the same school, i know who you are, but you don't know me!! neener neener!" like dude, wtf?

i find it hard to care. the only fond memories of that high school were from my sophomore year, and those are few and far between....why? well, maybe cause my best friend that year decided to throw away a year of his life, and stop talking to me.

I'M 18!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lol

is that freaking awesome or what?????

i know it sounds hooky, but i feel different. i can't explain it. i just....am. crazy, i know. but, whatever!

i just took a gloriously long shower, contemplated my life, and I'M EIGHTEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay. :P

g'night *again* y'all!

BD

.....make myself giggle like a little girl sometimes.

BD

excuse me. i need to sound like the left wing, open minded liberal democrat i am. *ahem*

ANARCHY DOESN'T WORK!!!!

it just DOESN'T. do you people know JUST HOW MUCH our government does for us? how much ANY government does?

who would build our roads? who would teach our children? who would mediate disputes, or give us moral boundries?

we can talk about hte "perfect world" where everyone would work together and be happy, but WAKE UP. we don't live in that world!

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go my dear) and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling

i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root, and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide

i'm actually in a surprisingly good mood. i'm not sure why, i just am.

TOMORROW IS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!

i keep forgetting that!!!!

lol

hmm. i had a really good session with my therepist today. minus the fact that she almost started crying cause her dog died last week. that was really awkward.

but we talked about australia, and how i'm going to take care of myself. which is good.

hi. :D

i'm very stressed out right now. and i'm not bad stressed, which is why i haven't recognised it, or done anything about it til now.

and i feel bad. SO. first, apologies, then move on.

i always say to message me if you ever need to talk, or have any questions....and you guys do.

most of the time, i like to think that i give you at least decent answers....and at the very least, honest ones.

but i've been AWFUL about replying for the last week or two. and i am so, so sorry.

i hate my body. i hate it i hate it i hate it.

i hurt. my whole fracking body hurts. i don't want to sit up, i don't wnat ot walk, i don't want to fucking move. i just want to lie perfectly still, with a heating pad on my lower back, and one on my stomach.

i can't have coffee.

i can't eat anything fatty.

i can't have anything too sugary.

i feel like i'm going to throw up, only i wish i actually would, cause that'd feel better.

i'm moving so slowly, and EVERYTHING bothers me (even more than usual).

i just watn to curl in a ball and make everyone leave me alone.

i've been feeling very....quiet, lately.

i don't want to be around people.

i don't want to talk to anyone, really, cept J.

i've been horrible about replying to messages here.

i'm not reading journals, or commenting on what i do read.

i dunno.

i just want to be alone.

being in the city isn't a good place for that, lol.

sooooo many people, EVERYWHERE. how do they live like this? i'd go mad.

wtf?!?! seriously????

at least she's not wanting to add me as a friend....that's a good thing.

but SERIOUSLY???????? FACEBOOK????? MY mother???

and you just KNOW that she's gonna ask me for technical advice when seh runs into problems!!!!

GAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!

BD

i have a weird sort of problem. um, yeah. i don't even know how to describe it.

cause i love saying that i'm hers. i love it when she says "you're mine" and things along those lines.

but when i say it back to her, i feel....skeevy. like, i dunno.

i hate using the term of ownership. or....maybe i just feel bad about it?

and it bothers me, especially cause i have NO problem whatsoever thinking that i'm hers, and having her say that. i LIKE that. but when i say the same things to her, it feels like somehow, i'm demeaning her.

does that make any sense to anyone?

BD

fuck san fransisco. fuck cities. and ya know what? FUCK CAB DRIVERS!!!

i've had such a rotten day. just about everything that could go wrong, did, only not quite wrong enough that i could just say to hell with it, and go home.

FUCK.

first i had a fight with my mom. we just bitched at each other all day. which meant i didn't get lunch (too complicated to explain), or breakfast.

i say "i love you"
and what i really mean is
"my heart is yours"

i say "i love you"
and what i really mean is
"my soul dances for you"

i say "i love you"
and what i really mean is
"you light my fire"

i say "i love you"
and what i really mean is
"i'd die for you"

i say "i love you"
and what i really mean is
"i'd live for you"

i say "i love you"
and what i really mean is
"you make my body sing"

i say "i love you"
and what i really mean is
"you make everything right"

i say "i love you"
and what i really mean is
"i love you"

and i do

ilyj

yay!!! i had a brilliant idea for a present for wolf, and i think she'll really like it, too!! i hope so, anyway.....

gah.

NO SECOND THOUGHTS

but yeah, i got her two different blank notebooks, for sketching/whatever, plus some really nice colored pencils, and charcoal.

i don't even know if she LIKES charcoal, but it looked cool. :P

so yeah. i've got to go "wrap" stuff *cough,cough* and then go!

oh, and i had the most amazing idea for an outfit (don't have a heart attack!)