well, i've been awake for about twenty hours now. i figure, if i hold out for another four, then i can fall asleep and sleep for the entire night. which means that i have to stay conscious for another four hours. which seems impossible...but the last two ahve gone by pretty quickly.

the world is so fucking sick. how can people hate another for being gay?! how do you do that? i think about losing my girlfriend, either to suicide or murder or just death, and it feels like my heart is being ripped out. i start crying, sobbing, just at the thought; how must it feel to know that you'll never see your girlfriend again?

This is a poem I just read in a magazine called The Know. It's really cool. The poem is wonderful...beautiful and heart breaking.

I Miss You

I miss you
You were everything to me,
My pride and joy.

Everyday I wake up thinking about you.
You were a part of me
Which I can't live without
I feel empty now,
Now that you're gone.

Why did you kill yourself??

lying back on soft pillows
*can you hear me?*
i rest my aching limbs
*will you touch me?*
fan blows gentle wind
chills me to my bone
*are you there?*
*protect me?*

it's a cruel harsh world
your scars tell me
*run away?*
but your eyes say different
*what happened?*
i can feel your heartbeat
for what it's worth

dark sky above
dark earth around
*save me*
sun now, and warm

Okay, so I was reading my little, random poem last night, and realised that both stanzas are almost haiku. So I rewrote it as two haiku. Here goes:

dark sky above me
cool grass beneath my pale skin
wind plays with my hair

~and~

stars twinkle above
are there planets high up there?
soft breath in my ear

dark sky above
cool grass beneath
wind plays with my hair

stars twinkle above
are there planets out there?
soft breath in my ear

i love you

green hazel eyes reflecting skyline
music pouring out
i love you, i love you

soft tender skin, perfected by scars
radiant under my lips
i love you, i love you

velvet warm lips, gentle smile
quiet voice on the phone
i love you, i love you

beautiful words written for me
wonderous emotion let out
i love you, i love you

sunlight, time don't matter
no one else in the world

Am I the only one who just sends out messages to folks who seem cool, or do other people do it too?

I'm just tryin to make friends... :-(... :-?... :-)

Bulldyke, and damn proud

Why does it seem that as soon as i find someone who i love, someone who does, in fact, love me back, do they get ripped away?

sorry for those of you who have tender young ears, but i need to vent.

god, i think i'm going insane. i know i'm getting depressed.
i'm lonely! ethan's always working, and when he's not, his fucked up parents make him stay home for no reason other than they can. taryn's either out of town or too depressed to do anything but play video games, and R...R is what's making me depressed.

today is the first day of a two week seperation from my girlfriend. i miss her terrably already. the last time i saw her, last night, was at her house. we were playing poker with some of her friends, but her mother (who isn't letting her go out with anyone right now) was there, so it wasn't like we could be 'together'. and she was being horrible!!

i have a problem. i'm still sorta friends with my ex, after two (or maybe three) years of going out with her, then breaking up, then going out and so on. anyway, now i'm going out with a different girl, who i'm really in love with, but i'm not sure how, or if, to talk to my ex about it.

I Know My Heart

i know what is in me
i know what i'm feeling
i can put a hundren words to it's name
but the ones that seem to stick are:

i think i'm in love with you
i know what's in me
i can imagine what's in you
and i think i'll call it love

i think i can see the universe in your eyes
i think i could find my peace with you
i think i can see my entire world in just these words:

Wow. I, um, have a confession to make. It may revoke my 'dyke' status for the rest of my life. In a state of deep emotional distress (actually, I had a really crappy day), I watched Legally Blonde and *gasp* sorta enjoyed it. I feel...almost...straight. Or at least a bit more femme than I used to be.