i don't even know where to start. i don't want to write, but i'm afraid of what'll happen if i don't. stupid, stupid, stupid.

how do i always manage to screw everything up? everything i touch seems to go bad, eventually.

i just managed to push away the one good thing i have going for me, and all i can do is wonder "is this the time that she's going to figure out that i'm not worth it?"

i'm writing this journal. :P

we have our toys!! lol it's amazing, actually. it sounds odd, but the harness feels so natural to wear. it's soooooo comfortable. and it feels wonderful...

and my packer.... :D it's a bit too big, like, it's unrealisticly sized (i think), cause it kinda sticks out a bit too much, but....i love it. i really love it. it feels...good? that's not the right word. right? i guess.... hmm. i can't really describe it. but it feels good, and i like it.

After your laughter like thunder
After your skin like coffee and cream
After it takes our bodies into the night
After we've come to the extreme

I want to lay down on your shoulder
Just inside your arm
I want to listen to your heart beat
And your breathing on and on
I want to lay down on your shoulder
Surrender to your peace
And go to sleep

And when we've gone a million miles
Made true our dreams with sweat and bone
After we've built it up with our bare hands
Made strong a place we can call home

And when the light in my eye is fading
When running water becomes too deep

w00t!!!!!!! my ticket is booked!!!!! i'm leaving on June 25th at 4:56pm, flying to LAX, then Auckland, NZ, then to Brisbane, QLD, where J and her friend are going to meet me!!! we'll take the train back to Landsbrough, then take a bus to wherever it is i'm staying. :D :D :D

OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it's actually happening!!!!!!!

now all i need to do is find a room to rent (joy), pack, and GO!!!!!!!!!!

YAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!

BD

i have to say, i like them. shut up, Em.

no, seriously. shut up. you're going to hurt yourself if you keep laughing like that.

BD

funny, i've used that title before. i'm not sure for what, but i'm gonna guess it was about R. this isn't.

my whole life feels upside down at the moment. EVERYTHING is changing. good changes, don't get me wrong, and ones i'm looking forward to and persued in the hopes that they would occure. but still, EVERYTHING is changing.

everyone has this idea that i'm so together, that i know what i'm doing with my life, that i have a Plan and Goals, and a Clue. but really, i don't. i'm just as confused and uncertain as any other kid. i'm just better at hiding it, i guess.

i, ahem, just bought a few....toys. :D if ya know what i mean. :P

lol, actually, i'm really, really happy, cause along with the toys i ordered, i also got a soft packer w/strap....which i can't wait to try.

but yeah, toys. :D well, okay, TECHNICALLY, it should be SINGULAR, but shut up. it's the beginning of a collection!

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
Definitly
02) What was your dream growing up?
To cure cancer (shut up!)
03) What talent do you wish you had?
musical
04) If I bought you a drink, what would it be?
beer, probably
05) Favorite vegetable?
carrots!!!
06) What was the last book you read?
In a Sunburned Country by Bill Bryson
07) What zodiac sign are you?
Aries, i think?
08) Any tattoos and/or piercings? Explain where.
ears are pierced in the normal places, plus an extra hole in my left ear (had a third, too, but it closed)
09) Worst habit?
which one?

wow? HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!! i just got my visa confirmation!!!! as in, MY VISA WAS GRANTED!!!!!!!!!!

as in, I CAN LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!

haha, i called J, and we had a little girlish screaming "OMG OMG OMG" moment. :P it was kinda cute :P

OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! as soon as graduations are done I'M OUTTA HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i cannot believe this. i keep expecting to read the e-mail again and find out that it's a hoax, or something. but it's not!!!!!!! it's official!!!!!! it's real!!!!

OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

australia, here i come!!!!!!!!!

BD

....when instead of a little sun to depict the weather, forecastfox takes up half the alloted space for the weather indicator with a large white square and the word "HOT" in bold, bright yellow, capitle letters rimmed in orange.

that's the forecast for saturday, at 96. sunday, it's supposed to break 100. fuckin hot.

and the worst part is that it's not even cooling off at night. GAH. i don't mind the heat during the day.....not as long as i know that i have a cool shower and clean clothes waiting for me when i'm done, but i absolutely cannot stand sleeping hot.

yesterday was so much freaking fun!!! first i got to the bank (not fun, but bear with me) and signed my papers, which means i'm the official owner of my own money!!! which means that i can apply for my visa!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D

i hung out with wolf and A for a while, and they got to meet J on skype :P they also got me past that HORRID level in M:UA that i COULD NOT beat, which means that i'll probably be playing it more :P. cause i'm a total marvel geek, almost as much as i'm an X-Men geek.

why does every bloody soul on the planet HAVE to assume that JUST cause we both got webcams, we're SUDDENLY having raging hot, lesbo cyber sex??

i mean, SERIOUSLY??? you can't be any more original???

in other news....i'm so ready to be out of here!!! gaaaaah! i've got my books packed, and have plans for everything else i'm taking. two checked bags (maybe just one, depending on how much i manage to fit into it), my briefcase w/laptop, my backpack with odds and ends (both to be carried with me on the plane), and a box with books and a few other odds and ends.

GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay, so i was joking around with my mom, and said "can i ask you a question?" and she goes "sure, honey, you can ask me anything" in a joking, overly sweet, blah blah blah way.

so i start laughing, and go "ya know, mom, one day you're going to say that, and i'm going to ask your advice on dildo sizes!"

and she and my dad (who was in the room) start laughing, kinda nervously, and my mom (swear to GOD) says "why would you be asking that? do you even know what a dildo is?"

and i'm like MOM!!!! I'M A LESBIAN!!!!!!!!!

dentists, and the people they employ to clean people's teeth SUCK. OMFG!!!!!!!

got my teeth cleaned today. ya know the thought that kept popping into my head? "I thought my president says torture is ILLEGAL!!!!!!!"

apparently, though, it IS legal. cause seriously, it fucking HURT!!!! for hours afterwards, i couldn't CHEW.

i mean, i know i don't take the best care of my mouth. i brush once a day, occassionally twice, if it's needed. i rarely floss. i only use mouthwash if my breath is bad.

ya know, she makes a really cute noise when i get a lot of points in scrabble. it's sorta this hissing sound, and it's SO adorable!

and then she goes "i hate you!" but she really doesn't :D

i love her. you guys all say we're the cutest couple, but really, SHE'S the cute one. you guys have noooooo idea. seriously.

BD