what do you say to a 46 year old friend, who recently broke up with her partner of 9 years, who is now telling you that she has a new 'sweetie'? oh, and did i mention the added twist that she used to be your teacher??

HELP! i mean, i'm totally jazzed for her, and really happy that she's getting out, and stuff, but...what do i say?? i mean, i'm 17! when my friends find a b/gf, it's great, but they have all different issues than a mature, experienced woman! which just made her sound like a 70 year old whore. um....yeah!

it's awkward!! at least, to me. i find situations like this often are. i just don't know what to say to convey what i'm thinking without sounding like an idiot.

i mean, is it appropriate to ask for some of the details? (which she offered, and i don't want to think about the one's she's NOT offering, lol) could i say "can't wait to see you to hear all about it?" cause, to my perverted and horny mind, that's not a question i want the answer to.

the good news is, she's out of the house for most of this weekend, so i get to spend the day with His Cuteness!!! :D :D he's the cutest cat EVER! and, i get to spend the day at her house, which rocks. it's amazing. it's cozy, and just...homey.

arg!!! i still don't know what to say! it's embarrassing, and i don't know why! i'm her friend, right? but i don't want to say the wrong thing, ya know?

BD

i am now going to title my journal entries based on works by PDQ Bach. because he/she rocks, and because i'm sitting next to my music stand, on which i have a small book of his/her work.

okay, it's only 3 pieces, so this thing of titling journals on his/her work won't last very long. SUE ME. :P

so, as any self respecting dyke should have, i own a SHMEXY leather jacket. which i love, and adore, and would love to have sex with. the only problem is, it doesn't have a hood. and the collar sucks. i have short hair. my head and neck get COLD. and since i don't have a good hat, and hate wearing scarves, i like to have a hood. so, what i had been doing was wearing a sweatshirt under the jacket, and voila! hood!

only problem is, it doesn't get THAT cold. so, wearing leather jacket + sweatshirt = too hot!

so in my genius, i took this old hoodie that i have, that i never wear, and cut the sleeves off! voila! nice thin 'vest' w/hood!

it's a really cool hoodie, too. it's black (duh), and it's got 'Terror' written in red, sorta gothic letters across the front, bisected by the zipper. anywho, it looks awesome without the sleeves.

in fact, so awesome, that i was admiring me in it last night, in front of the mirror, and realised that it would look even MORE awesome if i wore it while binding. i might have to wear a tank under it, so the wraps i use don't show, but it would look SO hot.

i wish, sometimes, that i were a guy. if i were a guy, i'd were my hair at shoulder length (which i think looks better on the guys that i know than the girls), and i'd probably have a gotee (and i could probably spell that, too), and i would DEFINITELY have my ear pierced. just one.

i hate how people think of me. most of the people i know are pretty cool about me, whoever i am, but some of it, they just don't get.

people...i don't know how to describe it. they think of me as a tomboy, and i'm not. tomboys (my definition of the word, don't get bitchy if it doesn't fit yours) are girls who, regardless of their sexuality, do 'boy' things, even wear 'boy' clothes some of the time, but at the end of the day, or whatever, they go home, and clean up, and put on some make up, and a dress, and go out with their friends.

don't get me wrong, i have nothing against that kind of woman. my best friend is like that. she's tough as nails, but she likes to get all dressed up sometimes, and put on 'girly' things, and even wear make up.

i'm just not like that. i am who i am. what you see is what you get. i wear 'boy' jeans, and t-shirts, and my idea of getting dressed up is a suit and tie. and no, i don't mean one of those skirt and blazer ensambles. i mean a suit, with the shirt buttoned to the collar, covered by a tie.

i have never felt sexier than when i was wearing a tux. well, okay, i have, but that's private!

i think i disappoint my mom, a lot of the time. she doesn't let on about it, but i think that i do. i think that she wishes i were a bit more 'girly'...just so that we'd have something in common. cause really? we have nothing in common. and i've tried. i took years of cello lessons, and months of guitar. my mother has the most amazing musical talent, but it's just not for me. i love music, don't get me wrong, but i don't have her ear.

i've never been interested in shopping, or makeup, or anything. she's not uber into that stuff, but she does, on occassion, like to go out and buy a nice dress or something (case in point, the ball my folks went to at hearst castle a few years ago).

it's not that i don't like to look nice when the situation calls for it, it's just that i want to wear dress pants, a blazer and a tie.

and partially that's just my reaction to clothes in general (my motto: if you can't run across a muddy field in the rain in it, why wear it at all?), and partially that's my gender issues.

i'm just not girly. i think my mom, and some of my friends, expect me to have a really girly side, but i don't. i've tried. i wore a skirt a few times (yes, that counts!), even shaved my legs. i own two pairs of heels (one is knee high black boots with 2 inch heels that i would love if i were a gay guy in drag), and a few 'girly' tops. but i feel...awful in them. i feel exposed, and...not me.

i'm not the type of woman who can do both. do 'mens work' (god, my feminine side is SCREAMING when i say that, but it's the best way to describe it, and what i mean is stuff like firefighting, police work, that sort of thing which SHOULDN'T be mens work, but in truth, that's how we see it), and then go home and bitch about how unflattering your uniform is, and rub in lotion, and put a dress on for your date.

i don't know how else to describe it. i'm so much more a man than i am a woman. except i'm not. in a lot of ways, i'm very femanine. how i deal with people, how i react to the world in general, in a lot of ways i'm very typicly femanine.

i once read that being butch is being a woman in a different way. butch women (like me) aren't trying to be men, they're just woman in a way that society doesn't allow.

it bothers me, that i don't have words to describe myself. not define, not box in, but describe. i'm a dyke, yeah, but that doesn't quite cover it. maybe butch does, except that the traditional butch image is almost totally irradicated. now butch just means you can use tools, and maybe fix the car. it's not an indication of how masculine or femanine you are.

i'm trying to decide now what i want to use as a new nickname. garret, gary, or gerri. i like all of them, but i'm not sure which will suit me best. gerri might be good in some cases, because it can be sort of androgynous, which the others are pretty much just boy names. at the same time, though, i really like gary. and garret. i don't know...any suggestions?

i'm good at fooling people. i'm a quick thinking, and a quick talker. i always have an answer for everything, right on the tip of my tongue. so people don't see my doubt, or my fear. in school, i always knew my stuff. i always had my hand in the air first, and always had the answer. so i guess nobody noticed that i never did my work, or turned in any assignments.

i tell people about my plan to be a firefighter with CDF, and i always end it with "and i don't really know where i'll go from there", and invariably, they say "well, it sounds like you have a good plan, and know what you want."

NO!! no i don't!!! i don't have a CLUE! i want to try out firefighting, as well as being an EMT, but after that? i don't have a CLUE! but people don't see that. i don't know why not. i guess i SOUND like i have a clue, but i'm just as scared as the rest of you.

i want to do so much, there's no way i could choose. i want to work on a ranch, i want to work as a parks ranger for National Parks. i want to be a cop, and a firefighter, and a paramedic. i want to go to med school, and be a surgeon. i want to go to law school, and be an ADA, or maybe a public defender. i want to study anthropology, and visit Africa. i want to live in Ireland, maybe work on a farm. i want to be a drag king comedian, or maybe just a comedian. i want to live in New York, and Chicago, and San Fransisco, and London, and Mendocino, and Susanville, and all these other places that I've never heard of.

i don't have a clue what i want. maybe a soldier, or a martial arts instructor, or a scientist. astronomy sounds just as amazing as macrobiology.

right now, i'm thinking about becoming a rancher, but 3 years ago, i was dead set on becoming a cop. before that, a Marine. before that, a physisist. maybe a teacher, or a professor, or a counselor, or a phsychiatrist.

i just don't know. and it's so frustrating, because i don't feel like i can talk to anyone about it. they all see me as having this huge master plan, for some reason, and they don't believe me when i say that i don't know. i have a 6 month plan, at best, but even that's shaky. what if CDF doesn't want me? then what? i have no real contingency plans.

i've got my whole life ahead of me, and it terrifies me that i don't have any idea what i want to make of it. i want to help people. that's all i know for sure. whatever i do...it has to in some way help others. and, eventually at least, i want it to be something satisfying and enjoyable.

oh, and a carpenter. that'd be awesome. maybe i could get hired by a construction crew, or something. maybe that's what i should/could do if CDF doesn't hire me.

i feel like a fraud sometimes. people come to me for advice, and somehow, i always say the right thing, but it's mostly by chance. i don't feel like a great friend, or think that i'm so good at reading people. i'm just...lucky, i guess.

i know a little bit about a lot. i can hold my own in a conversation with gamers, just as easily as i can debate politics. i can sound coherent talking about the military, and sewing. i have a good memory, and people mistake that for intelligence.

i'm not sure i'm as smart as people think i am. i'm not afraid to voice my opinion, sure, but i'll be there are tons of people out there with their own ideas, who just don't speak up. that doesn't make me precocious, or smarter than average.

and the worst part, to me, is that i like the attention. i'll deny it to the bitter end, but i like being at the center of things. well, i do and i don't. it depends on what 'things' are. i like being called smart, or whatever, even though i don't think that i am. no more than the average teenager.

people just think that because i'm more interested in 'grown up things', that i'm smarter than my peers, and that just isn't so.

BD

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D I do not know enough shorthand, or emoticons, to thoroughly describe my joy!

i e-mailed Radclyffe, my hero-author, last night, sort of on a whim, and SHE E-MAILED ME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH! MY! GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this makes me so happy!!!!!

I can't wait til Em comes over tomorrow, so that i can share my joy!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS IS AMAZING!!!!!!

YYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this is so cool!

okay. deep breath. i'm just one of probably thousands of fans. it's not personal. BUT SHE E-MAILED ME BACK!!!!!!!!

this is almost as cool as meeting Sally Ride!!!!!!!!!

which makes me sound like a TOTAL geek. :D which i am! and PLEASE, people, PLEASE don't ask me who sally ride is. if you don't know, first shoot yourself, then google her, then bow to me in recognision of your lameness.

WOW!!!

BD

Apparently, after years of running it without a hitch, my computer hates Firefox. :D isn't THAT joyful? every time i open firefox now, it just doesn't respond. oh yeah. i was watching a movie on cracked.com (whcih, btw, is the best site EVER...other than oasis, of course. and xkkd.com), and it just shut down. firefox, not my computer.

i do not understand what the problem is! i'm going to restart my laptop, and see if that'll fix it, otherwise...

any suggestions? i'm using internet explorer, so PLEASE GOD, let me fix this soon. i HATE IE7. i hate ALL the IEs! give me firefox, or give me death!

BD

okay. as you MIGHT have guessed from my rather unsubtle screenname, i'm, well, how can i say this? i'm not femanine. not even a little bit.

only, i have the most womanly body you can imagine. i'm not going to go into detail, but i do NOT look like your typicle, head turning, manly dyke. and i hate it. i want to be able to bind, to do drag, but it hurts like hell, because i have largish breasts (not HUGE, but not tiny, either), and i can't really look like a boy (not with my hips...). it sucks! i think god is laughing at me...

and worse? my name is THE MOST FEMANINE NAME EVER. i swear to god! i can't even make a masculine nickname out of it. i have the kind of name where i introduce myself to people and they say "oh, i have a great aunt named that!", or "oh wow, that's my grandma's name." it's so screwed up. and (and yes, this sounds horrible), but it totally ruins my image. i mean, i'll be all dresesd as boyish as i can get, and as soon as i introduce myself, people assume that i'm waaaaay more girly than i actually am.

the closest thing to a guy name (or even an androgynous name) from mine is Marty, which is what i want to use if/when i ever get into drag.

OH. wow. i just realised that there's another one, that i like way better. HMMMMM. lol see, good things do come of ranting! i could totally go by garret, or even gary. i like gary! :D lol or maybe just ger. or gerri, like one of my fave authors. OOOOH!!!

oh man, that makes me so happy! and it doesn't really fit exactly (like Liz from elizabeth), but neither do half the nicknames that people get from my name! :D :D :D yay!

woot! i can't wait until i can introduce myself to someone, so that i can use that! i like gerri. and it has the added bonus of not being my mom's cousin's name. :D lol

in other news, i had dinner with N tonight, and had a blast. she's just cool. i really like her, so i'm really glad we're getting to know each other better (and before all you romantics get any ideas, she's more than twice my age, has a partner and a kid, so we're JUST FRIENDS. lol).

and tomorrow Em's coming over, which is really cool, cause we always have a great time, even though we don't get together that much. she's just...she's one of the only people that i can just talk to. where i don't feel embarrassed by, well, anything. and she tells me embarrassing stuff all the time, too. and it's just cool. we don't judge each other, and we only laugh if it's okay. and speaking of laughing, it's so cool, cause she GETS my jokes. she laughs!

and wolf, she's great, but half the time, i'll joke about something, and it'll just go right over her head. she's totally accepting of me being gay (we've slept in the same bed, that's how cool she is), but she doesn't get my gay humor. like i'll quote something suzanne said, or something, and she'll just not get it. or she gets it, but she doesn't think it's funny.

anywho...i was going to write more, but i've got to send out an e-mail with wedding pics (i'll post some here, if anyone's interested, if my aunts say it's okay. these are pics of my aunts' wedding...), and then i'm gonna go watch the daily show. :D

BD

Ugh. So. I sent in my apps to CalFire (i hate calling it that...i've been calling it CDF for my entire life...but i'm trying!), and was all proud of myself for FINALLY getting it done...when i realised that i hadn't signed them! yeeeaaah. brilliant, huh?

so, i decided that i should call each freaking unit (all 12 of them), so see if i needed to send in a new app, or just the first page, or what, and GOD. i hate the phone!

my stomach is in a huge knot right now. i just hate talking to strangers on the phone! i don't know why. in person, i'm totally fine. but give me a phone, and i turn into a wreck.

i'm practicly shaking. i really hate the phone. i think my dad's the same way...he can do it at work, cause he has to, but bring him home and he will avoid making phone calls at all costs.

so now i have to send in new apps to a few of the units, and just the first page (the one i forgot to sign) to others, and to just a few, i don't have to do anything. oh, and there're some that i have to call people, but not til later. JOY.

and NOW the 'big' computer (the family desktop, where i have to do anything that i want to print, cause my dad won't set up the network so that i can print from my laptop) is not responding. how jolly is that?

i REALLY need to get these apps in soon, and i want to do it NOW. i mean, they have to get in by the end of january, but i want it done sooner, rather than later. i've already put it off entirely too long.

okay, my new apps are printing...and, of course, it's taking forever, because the printer hates me. once they're done, i need to print new lables, and figure out if i need more stamps. sigh...this is so much fun. NOT.

BUT at least i'm going out to dinner with N tonight, so that's something fun to look forward to. and i'm really excited about getting the apps in. it's totally nervewracking, but exciting. god...i want this so badly.

and i couldn't really tell you why, if you were to ask. i just...i feel like i need it. like i need this challenge.

i'm so afraid that i'm not going to get hired by them. or anyone else, for that matter. i'm not exactly in the best of shape. i'm not sure if i'm up to it. i want to be, but i'm not sure if i am. and what if i can't handle playing with the big boys? i mean, as much as we like to think that it's all equal opportunity for everyone, no matter their sex, or anything else, it's not. what if i'm not up to that?

and being gay just makes it all that much harder. i'm not one to hide who i am, and what if i get grief, or worse, for it? it's a scary thought.

but i just want to put on the yellow nomex, and do it. my parents think i'm crazy, and maybe i am, but i want this. and maybe it's not for me, maybe this'll be the only summer i ever do it, but i want it right now. and if i can't get into CDF, then i'm going to start applying to urban fire departments.

i've never really wanted anything like this before. not enough to fight for it. school never motivated me at all. i didn't care about my grades. i leanred what i wanted to, but i almost never did any work. and i just slipped through the cracks of all the tutoring programs, because i guess no one noticed that my grades were crap. i always knew my stuff in class, and even when i didn't, i could fake it.

in 11th grade, we had to write an in class essay about a book that we'd read. i got the highest score in the class on it (1 point short of 100%)...and i'd only read half the book. i'd done no prep for it. i hadn't even looked over the possible prompts that the teacher gave us.

i never cared about my grades. i never cared about doing well in school, or what the consequenses were, because there weren't really any. my parents never let me play sports, so there was nothing there. i tried a few other things, fencing and martial arts, but it never kept my interest for long.

i have never WANTED something like this. i find it scary, but exillerating. finally, i have a goal. a real, tangible goal, and i'm working toward it. working my ass off, too.

god, i hope i get hired by CDF. i don't care which unit, really, i just want this work. actually, i do care which unit, but i'll take anything. there're five that i'd KILL to get into, but any will do.

the mendo unit would be great, because if i ever got any time off, i would probably be close enough to visit my aunts. shasta-trinity because, well, look at it. who wouldn't want to work there? it's the most amazing country. same with humbolt-del norte. lassen-modoc would be nice, too. and i can't remember which was my 5th...siskiyou or nevada-yuba-placer. probably the former, rather than the latter. or maybe butte unit...

but really? it doesn't matter so much.

BD

i just recieved my 26th (but who's counting?) Radclyffe book in the mail today. aaaahhh!!!! i want to read it so bad, but at the same time, i never want it to end!

it's set in the 1860s, in the Montana area, and it's....so sweet. i've read the other book she wrote that's set in the same era, it's just a little while after the first one, and the characters from the first one show up in the second, so i already know that they are incredibly sweet.

did that make any sense at all?

i reeeeaaaaaally want to read it, but i'm denying myself the pleasure for as long as i can. i've watched Boston Legal (LOVE that show, even though denny gives me nightmares. candice bergen has had too many face lifts, and is still sexy as hell...and please, don't ever quote me), i've played WoW, i went to the store for my mom...anything to not read the book. and now i'm writing an inane post about how i want to read a book.

how sad can you get?

sigh...maybe someday i'll go to lawschool. my parents think i should...but it seems so competative (not just law school, though that is, but being a lawyer), and i'm not competative like that. at least, i don't think i am. i guess...i don't think i want it enough. not now, anyway. i don't want it enough to work my ass off for it.

and now i'm really hot, because my mother FREEZES in the winter, and so insists on cranking the heat up! (to 66...but i like it at 55, so...)

okay, i'm gonna go watch Boston Legal and resist the pull of my amazing book. :D

BD

I don't know for sure, but i think my next door neighbors got one of their sons a drum kit for xmas.

all i do know, is that every day, i hear drumming. OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD. it is driving me INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! totally stark raving bonkers!!!

and it's not like it's totally unreasonable for them to be able to practice their instrument! and i'd feel bad going over and asking them to stop! it's just so freaking annoying!

and, of course, my room is the one that's closest to the next house (well, there's my bathroom, and the TV room/library, but nobody really uses those for long periods of time), so once again, if i want to be ALONE, i have to 'suffer' (strong word, but it fits). in the summer, my room gets up into the 90s, because the sun shines directly in, and it's HOT. and now! DRUMS!!! isn't life jolly??

i'm having a pity party, in case y'all hadn't noticed. feel free to join in at any time.

i saw my shrink today...thank god. she's great. it wasn't that i was feeling horrible before, but now i don't feel guilty for not feeling horrible.

she has this whole thing that she calls 'holding space' (dunno if it's HERS, or if a lot of shrinks use the idea...), and pretty much, it just means that a person (me, in this case)...holds space, for someone else. i don't do anything, i don't try to change things, i'm just there. and sometimes, whomever i'm holding space for is there, and sometimes they're not (and who it is changes, of course), and sometimes maybe they don't want me, but it's how i can be okay. it's how i can say "i love/care about you, but i can't change your life. i'm just here, and you can be 'here' with me, if you want." that way, i don't feel horrible about not Helping, as i'm wont to do.

anyway...sometimes i need to be reminded that i can't fix everything, and that that's okay. it's not my job, and i don't have to feel guilty over it. really, i don't.

yeah, sure...

well, at least i'm getting better at it.

BD

OMFG! OLIVIA BENSON IS THE HOTTEST COP ON TV!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh my god!!! she is GORGEOUS!!! and even though they've turned her waaaay more femme than she used to be...ooh lala!! oh man...i have such a huge crush on her.

seriously, i watch SVU pretty much just so that i can see her. and in the 2-4th seasons, with Alex Cabot? YAH!!! god, they are so hot together!

i discovered that i actually can't write fanfiction (i like my own characters, thank you very much), but hoo boy do i love reading the femslash about liv and alex....

and really, even though alex is so obviously her otp, after she "died", liv has moved on, and now totally has the hots for the brand new ADA (who's name i don't even know yet). those two get in the room together, and sparks fly! :D

i'm so dirty! lol but yeah...liv is.....*licks lips and grins lasciviously* let's just say, if god forbid i were raped, i would want her on my case. :P

...i think i have a thing for femme dykes. lol you know what i mean? the women who look amazing in powersuits and heels, can run 10 miles without breaking a sweat, will hand a guy his balls on a platter if he crosses her, and can apply her makeup in under 10 minutes? well, you get the general idea.

anywho...olivia benson is so hot. amazingly hot. not the actress...i don't care about mariska hargitay (although she was great in that movie where she was a lawyer defending the amish girl), i just want liv.

i don't know why that's my title, but it seems to fit.

i forgot how effing COLD it is to bike when it's in the 40s out! fuckin A! i think my nose just about fell off, not to mention my ears!

BUT i got my letters of rec, and turned in a new app and i might just get my first job soon! it's waiting tables at a senior living home/assisted living place...which should be fun. i really like old people. they're so much easier to get along with than anyone close to my age. and i have 4 amazing letters of recommendation, so that should help.

Calle called this afternoon, which was really sweet. she wanted to let me know that i was welcome to come over during the day, to get some kitten love, only, and here's the weird part, she wants to pay me, if i come. it's so weird. i mean, i got it when i was going over every day, to make sure her kitten (not so much a kitten anymore...he's gettin old! lol) was doing okay, and to play with him for a while, so that he didn't tear her house apart, but, come on! if i go over now (and i probably will), it'd just be to see him (the cat), and to feel good. but she's totally insistant about it...weird!

it's so funny, too, cause, i mean, i met her because she was my spanish teacher. well, that and the fact that my immature gaydar sent up a huge rainbow flag the first time i met her, so i asked if she wanted to help me recreate the GSA at my junior high.

she was great for me. not just with the club (though she was awesome), but in so many other ways. when i dropped out of 8th grade, when i got really depressed, she came over to my house, to see how i was doing, and to say hello. back then...i'm not sure if i'd have called her a friend (just because of the whole student-teacher thing), but now? definitely.

anywho...that's my day so far. tomorrow [thank your diety for me], i FINALLY see my shrink. god, i can't wait. i have just a few things that i need to get off my chest, and although i appriciate the sentiment behind wanting to hire hitmen (Em's idea), i want to talk to someone who can maybe help me figure out what the hell i'm thinking.

BD

oh man, that was awesome! totally gory, totally awful, and totally awesome!

my dad hated it. it got really annoying, cause every time you saw blood (and, for those of you who haven't seen the movie, pretty much every time you see blood, it's spurting out of someone), he made this disgusted noise. i kept saying 'ya know, no ones making you watch this...you can leave any time,' but he wouldn't leave. anyway, it wasn't so bad.

but oh man, that was fun! lol

and it gave me an idea for a story that i'll probably never write...sorta post-apocolypse, anarchy world, and there's a group of people fighting...something (sue me, it's vague), and they wind up rescuing this woman (do you see where this is going? i can't resist a good romance...). oh, and the leader is this totally tough dyke who knows like a million different martial arts, not to mention was trained as a sniper, and all sorts of other stuff...lol i dunno if i'll ever write it...maybe as a short story. or maybe not. it just seemed kinda cool.

BD

i'm bored. no...it's worse than bored. i'm down, and i'm sick of it. i was so great last week, and now? now i'm just ick again.

i can't wait to see my therepist on tuesday. i'm dreading it, but really looking forward to it, too. it will be so nice to finally be able to talk to someone who can actually give me their attention. wolf's with A, and even when he's gone, she's gonna be pining, and Em...well, Em was great today, but i really need a few hours to get it all off my chest, and she's too busy. and who else is there? it's not like i'm drowning in friends.

i'm going out to dinner with one of my dad's coworkers on wednesday. she's really cool, as is her partner. mostly, i'm looking forward to it, but right now, i'm not. i dunno...i just don't feel like making small talk, ya know? and pretending like i don't hate myself right now...i'm just not up to that. hopefully, by then, i'll be feeling a bit better.

i can already see the look on my shrink's face when i show her the post, and the e-mails. and i'm pretty sure i know what she's going to say, but i need to hear it. i need to talk about it, so that i can think about it without feeling sick.

i've been thinking about taking off the ring R gave me. i don't know, though. it's like, if i do that, it would mean that i was giving up, and i'm not. but at the same time...maybe it's just time. not to give up, but to move on from that part of my life. and if she'll come, to welcome her into the next stage of my life.

i'm actually down to 3 rings, which is the fewest i've worn in years. i wear the one she gave me (and i've actually got another one to put on that finger if/when i take it off, cause i feel naked without a ring on that finger), and a band of leaves on my left ring finger, and then my dragon wings, from C, on my left index finger. that ring is so gorgeous. it's two silver dragon wings wrapped around my finger...she gave it to me when i was in the hospital, but i couldn't actually wear it when i was in, so every evening when my aunts came to visit me, they brought it, and i put it on for an hour.

i now own 25 Radclyffe books, and have another 2 coming in the mail. and there's still more! i dread the time when i read her last book...that will be awful. thankfully, she's still writing! i was going to buy a new one today, but borders didn't have any that i haven't read, so i wound up with something by a different author. i think i actually have another of her books, which was pretty good.

i can't wait til my other radclyffe book come, though....sigh. lol

i think i'm gonna go watch death race with my dad. my mom is refusing to watch it, lol. maybe watching a good testosterone laden movie with lots of bloody action will cheer me up. god, that sounds horrible, doesn't it? lol

BD

but i'm oddly happy. sorta. i'm really upset, actually, but i'm happy, too.

i have the most amazing friends. and it's so alien to me, cause for so long, i DIDN'T have friends, but now? now wolf will call me up in the freezing cold to see if i need to talk, and Em wants to hire a hitman to take out the person who hurt me.

which sounds ridiculous, but who knew that i'd actually wind up with friends who care about me that much? i told her about what's going on, my side (of course), and she was outraged. she was so pissed off, on my behalf.

i dunno...maybe a lot of people have that, but it's amazing. it's wonderful. i wind up feeling loved, which is something i never thought i'd get again from Em.

lol talk about screwed up. we had the most screwed up relationship for over two years (i think), and now she's one of my best friends.

i'm not sure how to describe her, really. she's both down to earth, and totally head in the clouds, all at the same time. she's...i don't think she sees the world the same way most people do, and while sometimes that can be very frustrating (like when i'm trying to have a relationship with her...), most of the time, i love her for it.

and i'm so proud of her. she has grown so much since i first met her. and not just grown...she's grown up. not to mention becoming MUCH more stable, as well as being way more comfortable with herself. i mean...i remember (entirely too vividly) kneeling in front of her (she was sitting) and holding her hands and begging her not to kill herself.

and who knew, years ago, that we'd still be friends now? that we could still be best friends, and be able to laugh about how our relationship was so totally screwed up? it's great!

talking with her today...it was like, her being angry for me validated what i'm feeling. usually when i'm angry, there's a twinge of guilt about it in the background. yes, i feel guilty about being angry. but her immidiate reaction of outrage makes me feel like i have every right to be angry.

so yeah. i have awesome friends.

and i have a migrane, too, which sucks. it's not horrible...it just hurts. and i don't really want to take my meds, cause they're NASTY, but if i don't, it'll just keep hurting. ugh.

hi! my parents are drunk! it's kinda funny, cause it pretty much never happens, well, to my dad at least. my mom even gets CLOSE to alcohol, and she gets tipsy.

it's their anniversery. they've been married 33 years...they met in high school. isn't that cool? i dunno...i've always thought so. they make me think that there might actually be true love...

anyway, so they decided that they wanted to go to this uber fancy restaurant in town, that serves REALLY nice wines, so they wanted me to be their designated driver...lol talk about weird!

so i said sure, and invited wolf and A out to dinner, my treat (it was their xmas present from me). we went and had indian food. YUM. and, as a major side bonus, our server was ZOMG cute!!! oh my goodness, she was...amazing! lol wolf was totally teasing me, cause there was another cute girl who i was checking out, too. but our server...wow. so hot. and i'm pretty sure that she was just being nice and serverlike, but she kept smiling at me, and making long eyecontact...ooh! lol i'm totally laughing at myself. buty yeah, it was great.

so then we wandered around in the cold for a while, and had a great time. wolf is so obviously happy with A...it's wonderful to see. and amazingly, i'm not even the slightest bit jealous. it's just so cool to be able to be totally happy for her, and actually like her bf!

oh, and i FINALLY bought my very first lesbian erotica anthology. yay me! it was so funny, too, cause it has a rather suggestive cover (nothing blatant!), and the guy who rang me up at borders was all weirded out by it, and he kept LOOKING at me. you know what i mean? THE LOOK. it was hilarious. i was just like 'whatever, dude!', and totally cool about it.

major disappointment, though...i found this lesbian magazine that i want to check out, but the newstore/stand thingy here doesn't carry it. they might be able to order it, but...sigh.

anywho...i'm gonna go watch eagle eye with my dad...

oh! and in exactly one week, i'm going to see suzanne!!! :D :D :D i CANNOT WAIT!!! :D :D :D

"die for me, again and again"
"happy lies"
"you can push me out the window/i'll, just get back up/you can run over me with an 18 wheeler truck/and i won't give up/you can treat me like a slave/i'll go underground/you can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck/but you can't keep me down/no no/no no"
"why give up? why give in? it's not enough/it never is/so i will go on until the end"
"this song is dedicated to any and everybody who's in love, few though there may be, but anyway..." (the song is wild mountain thyme)
"are you going to scarborough fair?/parsly, sage, rosemary and thyme/remember me to one who lives there/she once was a true love of mine"
"i've never written a love song, that didn't end in tears" (funny, i've heard that song a million times, but i never figured out that line until just a few days ago)
"fight until you die or drop/a force like ours is hard to stop!/midnight mare and blood red roan/fight to keep this land your own"
"this is me, talking now"
"since you've been gone i'm just falling apart/there's a hole in my life/in my soul/in my heart/and i stare out this window til light becomes dark/and there's nothing, that's touching, me now/there's nothing that's touching me now"
"don't forget the guns! the uzi and the glock and the old AR-15"
"for lee, amo te"
did you know that every book radclyffe has ever written is dedicated to her lover?
"something beautiful can come from something ugly"
"heal me, lift me, take me to the other side/oh drop me in, let me swim, i'm ready for it right now"
"this is a song about love. this is a song about when love goes bad, when love goes rotten, when love goes away. but you know what i mean. and some of us, we get over it. in a week, a month, a year, but some of us...some of us, we cling to it. we hold on to it, and it becomes a precious pain"
"i'm only lonely when i'm driving in my car/i'm only lonely after dark/i'm only lonely when i watch my TV/i'm only lonely occasionally"

i'm so mad, i...i don't know how to describe it. i feel like i can't breathe sometimes. like i'm choaking. i hurt so much. "baby's got my heart, and my baby's got my mind, but tonight the sweet devil, sweet devils got my soul!"

and every time i try to think about it, what's causing the pain, i feel sick.

i hate this. i don't want to feel like this. when i don't think about it, i'm fine, i can be okay, but every little thing reminds me of it. i feel this rage boiling up in me and i want to scream and run and pound something.

i feel caged, sometimes, like i'm ready to break out and LIVE, but the bars around me are too tight, and i can't move around enough to break them.

i try to tell myself that what i'm feeling is trivial, compaired to other things, and it probably is, but it's what i'm feeling. and calling this pain doesn't mean i don't know that others hurt more.

i start to cry, but i can't. i'm so goddamn good at swollowing my tears that until it's overwhelming, i can't cry. thank you, mother and father. thank you so much fore that.

don't you get it? you nag me to take care of myself, but don't you get it? THIS is where i take care of myself. right here. i can be selfish, and mean, and all the things i'm NOT, and nobody cares. i can rant and rave and carry on, and i'm not judged, and i don't hurt anyone.

for years, this site has been a safe haven for me, when things get to be too much. i can talk about anything, any time. half the time, i just write whatever i'm thinking, without censorship. i don't care if it's right or wrong or correct or anything. cause here, it doesn't matter.

only now, it does. do you think i've only been posting such airheaded things because that's all that's on my mind? do you really think that i'm not writing all the stuff i'm thinking by choice? no, it's because i don't want ANYONE that i know to read this. not you, or anyone else.

i need this place. i need to have a place where i can let it all out, without fear of offending, or getting it wrong. and yeah, therepy's great for that, but one hour a week doesn't even begin to cover the big pieces, let alone the minutia of my life. and my friends are great, but they don't have the time to talk to me all the time.

i want so desperately to write here what's going on in my head, but you took that away. i don't know if i'll ever get it back. maybe i was stupid to put such intimate things online, and maybe i wasn't.

i have so much to say, and the people here (thank you, oasians), are so supportive, no matter what. but i can't, any more. and yeah, i'll keep writing my airheaded snippits about my days, but it's not the same.