Today I went to Showcase Cinemas with a friend. We had planned on seeing Sweeney Todd: the Demon Barber of Fleet Street, which is rated R due to violence and gore. The aforementioned friend is seventeen, and I’m sixteen. Well of course my friend goes to buy the tickets, but the ticket cashier, a tall blonde female with a name plate that read “Cathy” refused to let my friend buy a second ticket without an ID from me. The woman informed us that the only way to get into the movie was for one of our parents and or guardians to purchase the tickets, and watch the movie with us.

At first I was fairly disappointed. Who wouldn’t want to see an insane, revenge driven, brooding barber slash his clients’ throats while singing at the same time? But then I thought, maybe this “Cathy” had a point here. She was, after all, only following the law. Where would we be if all of a sudden ticket cashiers allowed any kid to buy a ticket to an R rated film willy-nilly? I’ll tell you where we’d be: complete and utter chaos! Fourteen year olds would be rushing out to the cinemas to watch the infamously gory Saw IV instead of downloading it on to their computer from an easily accessible video streaming site! Our streets would be littered with druggies, serial killers, rapists and loitering teenagers! Perhaps the law, and Cathy as well (bless her soul), is just trying to shield my fragile sixteen year old psyche from potential emotional harm.

You see it dawned on me that maybe I wasn’t ready to see such a violent movie. That is, of course, unless an adult were to accompany me, because then my fragile sixteen year old psyche would be protected by their presence. Oh Cathy, your logic and wisdom never cease to amaze me.

I’m sure that within the 48 days leading to my seventeenth birthday my mind will have developed the means to protect itself from the dark influences of such an atrocity as Sweeney Todd. Until then, I guess I’ll stick to my favorite television show Law and Order: SVU. I heard a gay man gets raped and shot in the head in the next episode.

Anyway, all I have to say is this: Thank you ever so much Cathy for your influence in my life. I was on the wrong path, but you have changed my direction, and I can say that your services at Showcase Cinemas are much appreciated.

I have a friend whose mother treats him like crap. He tries so hard in school, and has never gotten a grade bellow A-. Even so, the mother grounds him for trivial things like talking on the phone too long, or staying up past 9. It's not just her being incredibly strict.

His mother has serious problems. She sleeps all day, she doesn't interact with ANYONE, and she's just depressed all the time. Also, his father is always away.

For the most part, my friend doesn't think anyone cares about him. He moved away a couple years ago, and all he gets is crap whether he's at home or at school. I'm seriously afraid for his health, and I think he's ready to do something drastic just to get his parents to CARE about him.

I don't know how to help him, or how to get through to his mother.

Help.

Tomorrow I'm going to Connecticut for this reunion thinger badoo that goes on twice a year. It's a reunion of the group of parents that went in a group to China to adopt children, and the children of course. Every summer we go to this one girl's house for a barbecue. I'm kind of excited, but I'm nervous too. Ever since forever, I've been the weird one of the group. I mean the really really really weird one. Story of my life. I just want to finally get this right, and not act like a fool. I'm a lot more confident than I used to be, but I always seem to do something wrong. I'm sick of people treating me like a psycho, and giving me the "what the fuck" looks. How am I supposed to make an impression when they already think I'm a freak? Dammit.

On a random note that has absolutely nothing to do with the previous paragraph... My friend was over the other night, and we were sitting on my bed talking. Our conversation drifted on about one of our friends who got felt up by her boyfriend, but had never kissed him. My friend made a comment about how awkward it must have been and said, "Look I'm feeling your boob." Cause apparently our friend had just sat there while her boyfriend did whatever. Well, just as she said that, my dad walked by, popped his head in the room, and then left... Which was ... really awkward, but funny.

The end.

Because I'm a loser (or pessimistic) I have to do something that's different. A list of things I don't like:

- When my alarm clock doesn't go off at the right time
- Waking up from a nice dream
- Not being able to wake up from a bad one
- Sour milk (so many bad experiences)
- The OC (gah! don't shoot me!)
- Toe stubbing
- The spring
- Homophobia
- Spicey food
- The way guys wear underwear under their swim trunks. What the hell?
- Math
- When snow gets into your shoe, or on your wrist between your glove and jacket
- When people obsess over having clean shoes
- Sore throats
- Bad horror movies

I'm going to stop now....

I slept over my friend's house, on Friday night with another friend. So we're just talking and doing normal stuff, and we got on to the subject of the person who my friend used to like. I don't know who it was by the way, but the other friend that was there does know. So I tell my friend (who I happen to like a lot...) that it's fine, and she doesn't have to tell me anything.

So blah blah blah later, we're kinda bored lying around in the dark, and start playing truth or dare. Eventually we get to the girl I like and she says truth, but I can't think of a good question, and neither can my other friend. So the friend I like decides that she'll tell me who she used to like, and is saying things like, "I'm not ashamed...just...I don't know..." She asks the other friend to tell me, since she knows, and she's the only one that's been told. The other friend is saying some stuff and says:
"Well...she's bi______" She says it in a way where I'm supposed to complete the rest of her sentance. I started pacing about the room. I know that she had meant for me to say bisexual, but for some reason I was just getting nervous and all weird. The friend who I guess is bi asks me if I'm all right, and I tell her that if she's not comfortable saying whatever it is herself, than she's not ready to tell me anything. That was the end of that topic.

In the morning, the other friend leaves, and I'm left with the girl I like. At that point I'm just really...kinda sad and angry for some reason. I tell her that I'm not going to talk to her for 3 days because she's unhealthy, and it's for my own good. Yeah, I kinda talk weird when I'm ...being weird. She's all confused, and I just leave. Today I decided that was completely stupid of me to do because I'm not angry at her, so not being around her isn't going to fix anything.

Now I'm just kinda..not confused, but something like that. I don't know what to do. I want to here what she had to say from her own mouth, but if I try to bring it up she'll feel pressured to tell me something, and I don't want to push her into saying something she doesn't really want to tell me. I'm kinda hoping that she might bring it up on her own, but I really doubt that she will. Part of me just wants her to be straight. That way I don't have to get my hopes up about anything, and she can just be a dead end. It seems so much easier that way.

Just got back from my psychologist therapy mental person woman. She's trying to set up a family meeting and originally it was just gonna be with my mom and dad, but my mom is like,

"We need her brother to be there too (after some retarded things that she always says) ... Cause he's really traumetized by her (being me)."

Background story: I used to abuse my brother and now I just verbally abuse him cause I'm a stupid fuck. It's all my fault he's a fuck too and my mom blames me over and over because she thinks I don't know it. According to my Psycho this is because I'm neglected .. right .. I completely acknowledge that it's my fault, but my mom doesn't realize that. She just thinks I'm a careless, mean, selfish bitch. Which she's actually said to me by the way... stupid bitch.

All we were doing was setting up a date and she put me in a bad mood. Just imagine what an hour of talking together will do in a couple of weeks. I'm absolutely dreading it. I don't want to talk with her because she's never going to change. Even my Psycho says she probably won't change much. It's hopeless...

Last night was...... ... so.. ...... awesome. I went to this glbtq dance thing with my GSA. The dance is run by the state. It was sooo cool. There was this room and all these lights and it was dark, and in the middle was this big blob of people dancing. Then there was this long line of girl's grinding...so hot...

I didn't really know anyone though because I didn't have any friends there, so I just sorta hung out with this small group of juniors from my school. We were dancing a bit, and then this one girl who was part of the people I was hanging out with started grinding with me. We danced a lot and I actually wasn't able to dance with anyone else. It was so cool cause she's shorter than me (a rare trait indeed), and she almost kissed me but I don't know. I prefer not randomly hooking up...for now. Unfortunately she had to leave kinda early and I didn't really do much else for the night.

Since this girl also goes to the GSA I'll see her and I kinda wanna see if interested in something but like...the whole thing about the dance is everything is just random and whatever, so I don't wanna seem like weird or anything. I'm just not sure how to approach her.

So I was just sitting around during lunch and I saw this kid who I knew from a while ago who had been put back a year from my grade. This was the first time I'd seen him in two years but I decided to say hi anyway just for the heck of it. So we were talking about whatever and he's like, "Have you joined any clubs?" and I told him I was going to the first GSA meeting later and he's just like (all wide eyed and everything) "ARE YOU GAY?!" I was just like...uh... "You don't have to be gay to join the gay STRAIGHT alliance you know."

So I didn't exactly answer his question with a yes or no I mean... I believe that I'm open about it to people but this was the first time I'd seen him in a while so I don't reallyu KNOW him and it was really really awkward. Especially since there were these random people sitting around me who had been listening and they were just all staring at me. I mean, I dunno I just don't KNOW them so it's weird. If any of my actually friends asked I'd say yeah, but this was just weird.

It was like this one time when this guy was asking me if I was okay, but I thought he was saying, "Are you gay?" The room was really loud so I couldn't hear him. After I actually figured out what he was saying I explained what I thought he had been saying and started teasing him about it. That's when this girl suddenly turns around and practically shouts, "WHAT?! YOU'RE GAY?!!" Then I just kinda ignored her and turned around to talk to that guy again. I dunno. She said it really loud and at the exact moment when the class got quiet (don't you hate it when that happens?).

Oi.... Alright, so a friend of mine came over to my house to look for his mic that I had borrowed and I said I had given it to my best friend who had needed a mic sometime a couple months ago. He said that she said she didn't have the mic, and I said that she says a lot of things...stupid me, because that then he told her that I said that and now she's all pissed at me. It's a special pissed where she brings on her entire wrath of evil. She says why should we be friends if you can't truest me? See, I tried to explain that sometimes the things she says seem dishonest. LIke when she says things about going places and inviting me, and then she goes and does them with other people without sorta uninviting me. So there I am waiting for her to give me a call or something and she doesn't even tell me. Or like when she said that she didn't have my other friend's mic. Well that was a lie because I know she has it. Or other times when I wanted her to hold on to these pocket knives I had, and then later when I asked for them again she said that she didn't have them and that I had taken them back, but I know I didn't because I didn't. She says she doesn't remember this or that even though I know it did or didn't happen. Anyway, the examples go on and on but for some reason when I was talking to her I just couldn't think or any, or maybe I was too afraid of sounding pathetic. Well I did anyway, and I dunno. When she says she doesn't want to be friends, she usually means it and it's a pretty sad ending. I've seen her do it to 3 of her friends who had originally been really really good friends and then poof. Only more like a big explosion rather than poof. I don't want this to happen cause we've been friends for so long and even though we've been drifting a bit lately I still feel extremely loyal to her. I don't want to lose her friendship but I dunno. She's so hard to deal with.

I feel like such a friggin idiot. My friend is talking to me on IM and she's talkin about how her dad is marrying this chick she hates, and how she has these other issues with her dad. All I can do is fucking say "I'm sorry" and shit like that... I'm so fucking useless and I can't even do anything. I hate it when I can't do anything about it. It's just so stupid. She's crying and I just can't do anything. It's just so helpless. It makes me feel like a complete twit... -_-. It just makes me so mad though when someone does anything to hurt my friends. It makes me feel so much worse when I can't do anything about it.

Argh... I have this crush on this girl who's going to be away for the entire summer. I mean.. yeah at least we're friends and we hang out and stuff, but damn.. .the entire two months? Whyyy?! Ah. I miss her already. I didn't even get a hug :(. But maybe that's because I kinda twitch everytime soneone gives me a hug... still I wouldn't have twitched this time. She'll at least have internet access so I can still talk to her, but I want to see her. She smells so nice. People keep saying it will go really fast, but... on those days where you're just sitting around not doing anything time's so slow. I suppose, being away from her will be good for me and getting over her and stuff since I don't have a chance. Which reminds me... I was tlaking ot her online and she told me how she had a crush on some guy who lives somewhere she used to and apparently he's my "personality twin"..... .. Now, I knew I didn't have a chance in the first place, but that's just extra annoying and frustrating.

I just came out to my aunt. I IMed her and said...

I have someting really important to tell you
and I really hope you take it well
and if you don't then that's just a shame
cause you knwo I love you a lot

...and I was holding my breath and I was really really worried, but she said to me "just as long as you are happy - that's what counts"

She is sooo awesome! ahhh I'm so happy

The girl I like (the one who pets my head) sometimes gives me weird looks where her whole expression just says, "What the fuck?" Like..she'll just sorta glare at me, look me up and down twice. I really don't get it cause I never did anything. Sure a couple times I got hyper and was a bit weird but she didn't do anything then. I don't know why she's doing the head petting thing is she dislikes me... then again I should be the one giving her wtf cause she pets my head so I don't know what I'm doing that's so weird. I know she's looking at me cause she sits right next to me so yeah... Maybe she's joking, but after she doesn't laugh, smile or just make a joking face or something she just turns around. I don't know but it really bugs me cause people are always giving me shit about being weird and stuff so I just don't get what happened. bleh.

Stuff has been happening lately...

I've decided that the girl I was crushing on doesn't really I don't know... "click" with me, you know? I don't know, but I just don't really care that much anymore.

My friend was telling me how she thought that I blew through crushes really fast, but the funny thing is that the friend who said that to me is the girl who I had got my first crush on, and I liked her for 2 years.

There's another girl I like (I actually like 4 girls and they all have names that end with 'a'...creepy huh?)who I sit next to in one class, and randomly she'll start petting my hair. The first time she did it she was like "Pretty hair" (I think she's attracted to shiny objects) and the second time she said "I just do it to freak you out" Then the other day she left to go to the library for a second, and she gave me this weird look like when you're trying to 'talk' to someone using facial expressions and stuff, and she said "I'm gonna miss you" She's a bit on the weird side (maybe more than a bit) but i don't care. I'm not quite friends with her, but it's not like I've never talked to her before.

Then this OTHER girl (lets call her D or else it might get confusing) that I like who I'm friends with, and she's also friends with my other friend (lets call her C). D told C that she thinks she's gay. Yay for me right? The only thing is me and C think that D might actually like C. D also asked me once about the girl who I used to like, and I told her I didn't like her anymore (this was over the phone) and then C got on the phone, and C asked me if there was anyone else I liked, and this didn't make sense cause I tell C almost everything, and that included who I liked. Then I asked who was listening to the conversation, and stuff, and C said that D had asked her to ask me. D flirts with me sometimes, but it's a bit confusing though cause D kinda flirts with...everyone... but she sorta gives C the 'extra' attention so I guess I'll just have to wait it out and see.

Outside of the topic of depressing girls who I probably don't have a chance with...

My cousin bought me a rainbow belt, and she's going to sneak it over to my house for Christmas (just cause I'm not quite ready to be out to my Aunts, Uncles, Grandpa etc) I'm so happy though. My friend also sent me a rainbow belt in the mail, and the colors are like studs, so there's a row of red studs, orange, yellow ...

Last night at my friend's Christmas party a number of my friends admitted to having some feelings for the same sex, but they would never actually go out with someone of the same sex. Then one of my other friends said he wasn't sure, and maybe he was bi or even gay.

Well I think that's enough for now