So today is my birthday, I'm eighteen so yay for me, but I've spent the entire day by myself except for Jeff my neighbor friend running in and out and the cats. Really feel pathetic right now.

My best friend who I've known since I was six said she was going to come by and hang out today--it's after six now, hasn't even called. I finally tried calling her and ended up leaving a voice mail wishing her a happy my birthday and hoping she was having a good time doing whatever she was doing.

Just curious, but has anyone ever heard of or listened to Prussian Blue? That's some scary shit, talk about indoctrinating the youth.

The white pride movement is pretty damn freaky, if you don't believe me introduce yourself with some American History X--really good movie.

I can see some white supremacist parents having their little kids listen to this music because it's "morally wholesome" for them and educates about their beliefs.... Seeing as I'm native american I guess that means I can't have the white pride...damn, I'll have to stick with the gay pride.

I am so excited about college that it can't possibly be healthy.
I rarely let myself get super excited about things--that way when things are really awesome they seem even more so, and it also limits severe disappointment. It sounds kind of weird, but it works and keeps me pretty happy.

So I'm in a super good mood because apparently my college has recieved all of the paperwork that I sent on friday and has updated my little log in place where I check things that are needed and all of that, and I have managed to even fill out my financial verification paperwork without any issues.

So I had to send some information to my future college, financial aid stuff, tax verification, all that nonsense. My mother has a tendency to make us fill out all important information that she should be filling out on our own...which means that I could have screwed the whole thing up and lost my place at the school.

She also gave me a pack of 23 cent stamps...ten stamps worth 23 cents each... and instructions to go on the postal service site to figure out how much my postage would cost...but I don't have a scale that weighs in ounces of manila envelope or duct tape, yes I had to use duct tape on the envelope because I couldn't find any other kind at home.

So over summer I happened upon this christian youth forum thing that is against homosexuality and advocates therapy, and I decided that it would be fun to infiltrate. My first attempt garnered this response

Emilee,

I have reviewed your application and its seems innocent enough. However, in looking at your my space, it appears that your heart is very opposed to the positions and opinions that we in Living Hope Ministry would espouse. You claim to be an Atheists, you are pro gay, and you think that gay marriage should be made legal. On each account, you will find the Living Hope Youth forums to be diometricly opposed to your position and I think we make that very clear if you read through the application process and our ministry position.

Spring Break of my senior year, aren't I supposed to do something really exciting? Bah, who cares.

Went to a party on saturday and performed my first marriage ceremony (gotta love the universal life church and how they hand out minister certificates like candy).

I'm sure that Mark and Fred will be very happy together...most ridiculous thing I've ever done, and I have it on tape.

So four of my classmates got into a car accident saturday afternoon and were all killed on impact, they were going to portland for spring break, and my friend Brittany is pretty broken up about it because she was friends with two of them.

It's interesting that my classmates apparently feel comfortable enough with my sexuality and are appalled enough by the concept of homophobia to tease me about my sexual orientation and political views at the same time.

What's great is that it's an expression of their own annoyance at the treatment of homosexuals by others, and their suggestion of putting us all in padded cells to prevent recruitment got progressively more ludicrous especially when they were trying to figure out how they could put one person in two cells at once for being both a communist and gay....

I'm sending off my $300 enrollment deposit tomorrow, the non-refundable one, along with my financial aid package acceptance and tax verification info.
On many levels I'm totally excited, like jump up and down and be all thrilled at the progression of my life and that I'm actually going to college...but then of course I'm still kind of stressed about the number of loans I'm going to have to take out and whether or not Mills really is the right school for me.

So my friend walked out of Econ, the land of Skoglund, today because he made a comment about my friend chelsea and she didn't feel it was appropriate, this is the same guy that said homosexuals aren't equal to "us"--which means heterosexuals I guess. It also appears that in the same class period he called one of his students a fag, my friend who walked out missed that part because she was late, but another person I know was there and didn't report it.

So I'm trying to sell some delicious pumpkin muffins to my econ class and my friend Robert is talking about selling his "genetic material" and Skoglund, my econ teacher is talking to a couple of girls in front of the class. So they're about three feet away and I'm kind of tuning Robert out because he isn't making a lot of sense and is starting to get a little creepy and i give him a muffin to shut him up so I can listen to Skoglund....

This isn't really important, I'm just kind of upset and having issues with dealing with my emotions.

I've never had a relationship with my mother where I felt comfortable arguing with her and I have this total guilt complex when I upset her, I feel absolutely horrible and it's kind of ridiculous in its extremeness.

So yesterday my mother and I gave my younger sister a ride to school, she goes locally and it's within walking distance and we usually leave earlier than she does because I have an early class, anyway my younger sister had spent the morning whining about her hair and didn't want our suggestions and the whining continued into the car where she accused me of snapping at her.

I'm not exactly sure how it happened but it would appear that I am out to my mother... at least i'm pretty sure.

So I was in the car with my mom after school, which is where we have all our talks because it's like a 20 min drive from my school, and I was telling her about the conversation I had with my econ teacher about gay marriage and how I had tried to ge out of discussing it with him but he had kind of led me into it. We had been talking about college, several of my classmates and him as well, and I said where I was going and we were discussing financial aid and i said how much i was getting and explained yes part of it was scholarship. He asked me if I was part of a diversity project for the college. (Which i think was really a comment on my sexuality, but i played it off and said that no i was getting a merit based scholarship and that it wasn't need based as i tried to redirect him)So I told him that i had sent in this piece of academic work as was required and that I had written it for Henshaw's class, Henshaw being the comp 2 teacher and if you get a good grade on a paper in his class you know it's a good paper and worthy of submission, and he asked me what the paper was on and i told him it was just a really long research paper because I didn't want to get drawn into a debate with him...sadly i ended up telling him that the topic was gay marriage and he wanted to know all of my positions and all of that crap and why I was for it. I said personal reasons and tried to redirect the conversation yet again unsuccessfully and he informed me that he was against it.

How much repetition can one journal have? Let's find out!

Yesterday was interesting. I spent the day at the conference I had been helping to organzie down the street from my school "Women United Crossing Boundaries" and it was okay, the first two workshops I was in were a bit disappointing seeing as the first one turned out to be something entirely different than what those of us that signed up for it thought it would be and the second one was about abuse and pretty depressing--not that I expected it to be thrilling, but i thought it would be more educational about the project itself. My last two were pretty good, improv games, and a beading project, they also had a knitting one and it looked pretty cool, but I can already knit and the prospect of new needles and some awesome yarn wasn't enticing enough to get me to sit through basic instructions for half an hour, my friend really enjoyed it though and is in the process of making a rainbow scarf.

I had an interesting encounter with my econ teacher in front of the entire class when i went up to him so he could check my notebook and make sure i had been doing the assignments.

I was wear my YEAH club shirt because it was clean and in my room and i just put it on even though i really should have worn it wednesday.

Sadly, he tried to read my shirt while checking my notebook and i had part of the words covered by my coat and i had no idea what he was trying to tell me and it sounded like he was saying "Euthenasia" and i couldn't figure out why that would be written in my econ notebook and then i was all "Oh! Youth educating against homophobia!" he then began to ask me about homphobia and whether or not people actually fear homosexuals and i tried to make light of it with my sarcasm and mockery of how yes people cower in corners in fear and he...well it was rather unpleasant as he didn't want to hear my answers or find out that i'm gay and that maybe that was why the club is important to me...and then when he realized, much later that he had dug himself into the pit guarded by the evil lesbian who cuts off people's legs he changed the conversation to watches and how his wrist is too big for many of the bands (I may have helped him with that when i mentioned how students say things are gay, and how in my chem class someone said that about their watch because it wasn't working properly)....

So I'm in a pretty good mood, had an excellent weekend, even though I did none of my homework. My older sister came up from san rafael for the weekend and we hung out which was awesome, she bought me a beading loom...that part was actually kind of weird because I don't do a whole lot of beading and she ended up spending quite a bit on beads....

I think I need to have a talk with the freshman that likes to hug me during gym. Hugging in gym uniforms is just weird, especially when you're in the weight room with the guys that are trying to buff up for football and you just finished running, or you're going into the locker room in your sweaty icky gym clothes and the hugger is freshly dressed....