I'm a total fuck up. I am a complete and utter fuck up who can't do anything properly.
I may have lost my college loans because I didn't get a stupid piece of paper to fill out and I just found this out and it was due the first of July and my mom will just bitch if she finds out and if I can't fix this I can't go to school and I am a complete idiot. I hate me. I really fucking hate me and my incompetence and.... God I really fucked this up.

I hate being female.
Oh, and I hate tampons too.
Why can't I be one of those nice sterile people?
I blame my sisters' mutual friend who is currently giving birth. Damn her.
I hate cramps too. I hate cramps when I have to walk to a damn job interview, I hate them when I'm sleeping. I hate them.
And I'm going to women's college--it's going to be a constant bloody hormonal estrogen fest, I'm going to go insane, all of my male friends are going to have been right.

I'm going to have a second interview at Baubles and Beads sometime this week, I have to wait for the call.... The position is only part time but she said I could get anywhere from 20-30 hours a week which isn't so bad. I'd have to take three different classes as part of my training but I would get paid for them which sounds pretty awesome--what with my love of the beads. I like this potential job more and more, so much in fact that I am seriously considering commuting from Oakland to San Rafael on weekends for it, just so that I won't have been a complete liar in my interview.

I have an interview tomorrow at a bead store--wish me luck. It would be ideal because it's not as far as most of the other places that I applied and bead shops are notoriously quiet and lacking in the busy aspect which would be excellent.

I also have to go apply at Tuesday Morning, which I'm going to do earlier in the day because it's not only farther but involves some drawn out application process, aside from all the busy streets I'd have to cross I wouldn't mind working there either.

Job hunting time has come.
My sister S is coming to get me at my sister J's house at some point today and then we will venture out in the world to pick me up some applications so that I can get a crappy summer job and earn money for my obscenely expensive private college (I went there the other day when I was with my aunt and gave her a semi tour and picked up little souveniers for S and J).

I don't want to go home, I want to stay in the bay area all summer and hang out with my sisters and lay around and explore. I don't want to go back to Humboldt and work at some shitty job for minimum wage (providing I can even find work in Arcata) and have to deal with myu younger sister being stupid/insane and making bad choices or with my mom never being home.

My friend came to SF for the Damien Rice concert and so I could go back with her, which she apparently thought I was already doing, or I could stay here and live with my sister and her roommate with the small amount of clothing and things I brought with me and try and find a probably better paying job and save my money. So my aunt, my oldest sister's boyfriend/live in man and my sister who invited me to stay with her all seem to think I can just stay all summer...and I really wish I could but I have paperwork that's going to be coming to my house for school along with the summer book and all of my stuff is at home and I hate the idea of living off of them for so long until I drive them insane.... Oh, and of course I'm currently sharing my sister's bed and have ended up sleeping in the crevice against the wall several times and it's only a matter of time before i kill her in my sleep or something equally awful....

I'm passing up gay pride in SF. My sister's roommate's older brother is apparently going to be on a float. I was kind of tempted to go until she and my sister started talking about how we could be in the parade...not being out to my siblings makes it weird.

I don't know.....

I'm in San Rafael. I got in the car with my sibs who came for my graduation...now I'm in San Rafael. The end.

Have the safe and sober party to go to in a couple of hours, got kind of sunburned from sitting outside, scored some cash...most of it in coins I'll have to take to the bank.

Ooh, and I was announced as Empress Emilee Lurae Harrison III. It was brilliant. Sooooooooo good to be done.

Tomorrow is graduation, finally, and I have absolutely no wise sage sounding advice to give to current high school students because I think that's all a bunch of crap and feel hardly any more mature than I did at fourteen when I was a freshman--granted I've acknowledged that I'm gay, but other than that...nothing.

If it wasn't for my family coming up for the ceremony part I don't think I'd even bother to walk, all I really want to do at this point is sleep.

Fell asleep on the couch in the living room at noon and slept until after two. I honestly can't remember the last time I took a nap, and I never nap in the living room because it's all public like and too weird for my tastes, but no one was home.

I was up until after four last night and then woke up at like seven because my friend's cat was crawling all over me and some stupid little kid at my friend's house woke us all up by being really loud.

Doing the party thing this weekend event though I said I wouldn't...even though I had decided that I should stay home and study for finals and clean my room and the house before family came.... But no, Emilee just has to do the party thing all weekend so that when she gets home on Sunday she'll be totally exhausted and crash.

I still smell like sunscreen from yesterday's senior picnic even though I took a long ass shower. I must have gotten some on the sweatshirt I had Olson steal for me. Oh well. I didn't burn though thanks to the copious amounts of sunblock I used out in Benbow and my ability to withstand heat even when wearing jeans. I had planned to hang out in the shade but we ended up in the sunniest parts of the picnic area seemingly regardless of whatever we decided to do.

I feel I should update on the evil Godot paper that I bitched about. I got a B. I don't think I deserved a B, it's an AP class and I was rather anticipating a D, or maybe a C-, but I got a B. I find this pretty damn amazing.

So, I've been talking to MB from Mills College recently, she's back home for the summer and wants to meet up at some point before summer ends...even though when it ends we're going to the same place.... She also wanted to know if I knew R who's going to be starting there this fall as well, I think she might want all three of us to do something/meet/idunno in one place, but I only know of R and have never met her.

So I've been invited to yet another party--I seem to be getting a lot of invites recently because of May/June birthdays and it being the end of the year and of course just because of random get togethers and all that.

Anyway this is one of those annual type parties that happens every year and it was really awesome last year but I'm debating whether or not I want to go this year. I want to go because it's probably the last chance I'll have to see a bunch of people this year because I'm going to be working and the whole going off to college and all that and it would be nice to have us all together as a group again.