Ok, so ultamately I'll have to make my own decision on this... But it helps to write this out, and I cant write it on any of my other blogs because they will know who this guy is... Anywhay, I have these two friend... lets call them Lilly, and Jeff. Ok, so I've known Lilly for awhile, her and I used to be good friends, but in Junior year we started arguing a lot and she changed so much. (or maybe I just matured and left her in the dust, I dont know...) Anywhay, I started to become better friends with her boyfriend. They had dated sinse the end of Sophmore year. Jeff and I talked constantly, hung around the same people, had the same classes, lived only a hop, skip, and a jump away from each other... you get the picture.
So, Jeff sometimes talks to me about his relationship problems... Lilly has been being a huge bitch to him, tearing apart his home, yelling at his roomates and so on. She gets jelous whenever I go over to Jeff's house as well. Its totally unfair the way that she is treating him... Anywhay, Jeff and I were golfing the other day and he was showing me a better way to swing the club. He ended up putting his hand on mine and *BAM* fireworks went off. We didnt do anything, but it was then when I realized that Jeff was amazing, why hadnt I seen it before?
Now, I have my moral standards. I shouldnt feel this way about him, but I cant help it, it just wont go away. I wish that it would, I mean, Jeff is totally wrong for me, I havnt felt this way about anybody in forever! As you guys know, I've had relationship problems. Am I just immagining all of this? Am I just trying to make myself like sombody? *read my last blog if this is too confusing* I just cant let him down... that is if we end up doing anything.
This LIlly girl is INSANE to say the least. I wouldnt put it past her to actually harm me... The thing is, I see a future for me and Jeff. He told me that he just doesnt feel the same way about her as he did before. And, I could tell long before I realized how I felt that it was over between the two of them, its just being drug out now.
I just dont know... if they do break up... How long should I wait to go with him? I feel it, I feel that he likes me back, I can tell flirtation is there! Am I going to hell for lusting after the boyfriend of one of my friends? I wont break them up... but, if he breaks up with her and then asks me out... I might do it... just not right away.

*GAH!* Jeff you make me flacid with confusion!

~Z

I'm hopeing that you guys can help me figure this out :)

Lets see... I'm not attracted to girls, or guys. I don't like public displays of affection. I cringe at ANYBODY girl-guy, guy-guy, or girl-girl kissing. I havent dated anybody EVER. I'm still a virgin. I have NEVER had a serious relationship. I've had crushes on guys, but as soon as they like me back, or try to go further than just hanging out I dump them, or start to get sickened... I've had crushes on a couple girls but they tried to come onto me and I flipped out and just thinking about kissing or anything grosses me out!

My question is this... and for real. No jokeing around anymore... WHAT AM I? I'm not a lesbian, but I am starting to think that I'm not straight... Am I just not going through puberty or something? ok ha ha joke because I'm 19 almost 20... Its sick... :P

Please give me your opinions...

Ok, so last night at 2 a.m. one of my friends called. They had went out clubbing and locked their keys in the car. They were deep in a bad part of the city and I am HORRABLE with directions. I flipped out. I was on the phone with them and I was talking about getting my glasses and a coat on and they flipped out and just started screaming "who cares about that just get into the car and come and get me!" SO I went. Couldnt see a damn thing. They were giving me directions as I went. Anywhay, when I didnt see the chinese place on the corner they flipped out. They started yelling at me for being such a bad driver, and because I was already in a panic, that sent me into a panic attack. Its like my third full fledged panic attack ever. Scary. I ended up going the wrong way down a three lane one way road. Car came at me and swerved to miss me. I bawled. I was lost and fricking scared. And I failed to save my friend. I couldnt figure out how to get back up the ramp... if it was one way then how did I get up it in the first place... Ended up that this "club" of theres was some run down joint in the middle of nowhere... They had to walk to the Mc. Donalds to meet me there...

Well, After that panic attack I truely thought that I was goign to have a heart attack! I am SOOOOoooooo embarased....

You can read my old Journal entry for updates... The cops came... Now I will never trust the cops again. They said that anything he did to me bofore doesnt matter because I never called in on it. I tried to show them the bruises but once again they said that it didnt matter. They made me believe that it was my fault too. They said that the minute I knocked on the door that in Michigan thats concidered trespassing even if it is in my own appartment because it is his too. They said that he was just defending his teritory... Bull shit I say. They told me that he seemed like a nice guy and that it seemed like I was making up a story... I guess I hurt myself then... They said that if I decided to press charges that because I was in his room, or because I knocked on his door that it wouldnt hold up in a cort of law... POLICE SUCK ASS! They ended up tapping my phone line... Don't they have to ask to do that? Bull shit about police... I dont trust a one of them now a days... back in the day they were cool. but now they can all go to ... well, a not so nice place. Happy Thanksgiving everybody... I'm now homeless...

He ran out of his room screaming, he was naked. He screamed at me and yelled at me and pinned me to the wall... He told me to look at his dick. He touched me with it while he was pushing me. I was screaming in the corner for minutes... He was my friend... He was suppost to be my friend... I never wanted to see him this way... He said that it was what I wanted. Why did he do this to me? WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE DO THAT TO ME! I cant continue like this... i just actually want to kill myself... if it wasnt for my parents i would. but I know that they love me like no other... i just cant look at a guy that i love3 and have him ask me. "so have you ever seen a dick before" and have me say... yes and then have to remember that story...

So, I dont know whats going on but right now it feels like there are knives hacking their way through my stomach. Oww. It started during work today and it wont go away! (hey I made a rhyme) I'm trying to look up what it could be but no luck... I was going to update you on my life... (got asked out today!) but once again I made an excuse... Why do I do this to myself? I actually liked this guy! Whats wrong with me? Anywhay, if I make it through the night, stomach intact, I'll hopefully try and pass all my exams tomarrow!

~Meh

I had this dream last night… I feel like it was a wrong dream to have… Yet through it all, I was kind of happy… I recently watched Q.A.F. where there is a pregnancy. It was wierd because I NEVER want to get pregnant, and I NEVER want to get married to my best friend. hmmm... tholughts anybody? Here is the dream...

"J" and I were in our apartment like usual. We decided to have a few drinks and we both got drunk. Our living room was almost the same as it is now, but the couch was moved towards the television more in the middle of the room. Well, I kind of blacked out from being drunk. I wasn’t passed out but when I woke up later I knew that we had had sex. I was nervous about it.

I found out later that I was pregnant. I told "J" that I didn’t want to have an abortion. Then later I told him that I actually wanted to keep the baby. At first he said that he didn’t want to have anything to do with it. Then right away he changed his mind and said that he wanted to help me and to take care of it. I got through my 1st trimester and then I told my parents. My family came over to visit my parents who now lived in a HUGE house. I went to visit them and stayed in this humongous top bunk, that was more like a second story. My cousins came over and two of them were twins that my mom was either babysitting or that were hers… they looked like Lanett’s redheaded twins from desperate housewives.

My father took me out and bought me a car. I practiced driving the truck for awhile. It was white and it had a really small width. I could reach right accost to the other door easily. But, it was long. I was driving it home and I got to a stoplight where the top colour was double yellow circles, the bottom was green and the top was red… it was strange.

I got all these rings. I don’t know if I was at a jewelry shop or if I found them somewhere or what. But, they were just like the bracelets that Vera Wang sells that are called “7 days I love you.

Things are so hard right now. I'm scared to sleep because I had this dream that my parents got a devorce and I yelled and cried through the whole thing... I woke up with a headache and a runny nose (all signs of crying for hours on end) My parents are the perfect couple... It couldnt happen... There is no way but still I was pissed at my mom throughout the entire thing and I swore at her and told her that I never wanted to see her again... In the dream that is... not in real life...

My best fried has replaced me... We used to sit in his room and listen to music and just talk, and now he has somebody else to do that withI feel like he dont even like me anymore... He things Its for another reason.

I'm sick of this shit... I want to be a producer so badly... I cant stand watching Studio 60... And I hated Opra today... I wanted to be a female director so badly and I was stupid and decided that I'm going to be in stupid advertising... I'll never be happy in life because I gave up on my dreams... Nobody believed in me so I decided that I wouldnt believe in myself either...

I'm sick of being 2nd best... All my life... I have so many awards for second place its sick... I can draw... but I'm not the best. I can sing, but I'm not the best. I can write... But I'm not the best... I can't do anything right... And now I'm stuck with a career that nobody wants...

I do not even know what I'm saying anymore... I just need some sleep... I dont believe in love anymore... And I can't love... I'm not attracted to men or to women... I'm a nothing... What the hell am I? I'm nothing... I've filled out about 50 applications now... I still havnt gotten a job... Once again i ask... WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?

I read in my friends journal... He knew that I was reading it... It said that I am a slob and that he wished that he never moved in with me... I don't know what to do... College is just depressing me... I want to be back at home with my mom and my dad... I miss my other friends... I can't meet any guys here... And I don't like girls... They are all so petty and mean to me... I just want one of my guy friends from back home... I miss them so much... I miss A* and Z* and all of them... Why can't I get a boyfriend?

Why are all my friends here gay men? I don't have anything in common with them... I just really want a somebody right now that would give me a hug for no reason but I dont have that here... I'm all alone in this stupid world...

I scewed myself over...

~Me

P.S. Never pretend to go out with a friend to cover up the fact that he is gay... It may seem like a good deed but now I still have to deal with shit about it... I wanted to explain to my old friend that I never had somebody that I concidered "boyfriend" but I cant because "me and him dated for over a friggin year!"

Sorry for just complaining throughout this whole thing and being all emo... :(

Ok, most of you on here know that I'm straight bla bla bla I dont need to tell the story again do I? :) Anywhay, I used to think about guy snon stop. I would always have crushes expecially on funny guys. Well, if you dont know me and my best friend (who is a gay guy) used to fight a lot. I don't know if this has anything to do with this but I'm just letting you know. Sometimes he would hurt me.

Well, Every night before I went to bed I would dream about one day meeting David Spade (my all time crush) or any other celebs or once in awhile real people. :P I used to be this total romantic. Dreamed about holding hands, kissing, getting married all of that shiznit.

Here is my problem. About a month ago, for some reason men started to sicken me. I would now rather gag myself then have a guy touch me. I no longer want to be hugged by guys that like me or anything. I don't like men at all! But, I do not like girls either... What gives?

I was telling my freind about this and he turned to me and said so sweetly. "Youll find a guy that treats you loads better than I do... they arent all like me..." It made me sad that he said that, I'm glad that he has changed but still... I think that maybe he might be on to something...

Will I grow out of this phase of being sickned by any type of relationsip love? I like hugging and stuff but only by family and friends who do NOT like me in that way...

I'm 19... I NEED to grow out of this... I have no idea whats wrong with me... I've changed so much. Somebody help!

you know the mood. The mood when you call your ex's and tell them that you love them. The mood of cuddling. The mood when you make an ass out of yourself in your blog, or in public. I need lovins. I need to tell somebody that they are beautiful. I need to get a hug. I need all of these things. I havent had a boyfriend in forever and a day. I dont count any guys as a boyfriend. My best friend is amazing. He told me something amazing. My life rocks but I need love... Camon oasisans (woah what the heck do I call you guys cuz thats hard to say!) Give me some oasis love and I'll return the favor sometime!

I'm running out of money, my mom is offering to give me money but I dont want to take money from her, I feel so bad about it because my parents dont have money to give me... I have applied for countless jobs and I feel as if I screwed up this interview. If I dont get this job. I've waited so long. I cant STAND this. EVERY TIME they make it sound like you already have the job then "oh we hired another canadate (sp?) I am going to cry. I will go insane. Please god give me this job. And please share your stories so I wont feel like I'm all alone in this jobless world!

Yea so my friend is pissing me off right now. He lies about everything... I am just mostly pissed because I cant have any gay friends without him either having sex with them or showing them his naked body... IM FUCKING SICK OF THIS SHIT! Why do fucking gay guys (or is it just him) have some desire to show everybody their frigging dick... It pissed me off because I have one guy friend who my best friend is torturing... My best friend knows that this guy likes him allot, so my bff TORTURES him by showing him all this shit... I'm starting to think that he is a fucking slut or something... Yea, looks arent everything my friend. Cuz he is one of the hottest guys ever and it pissed me off.. All my friends that are girls fall for him, and all the guys do too... when can this shit end? I just want ONE friend who hasnt seen him naked... but I dont want to hide my friends from him... he says that he will just lie to me and that he will do whatever he wants... arse...

How can people be so friggin obsessed with people! I mean, one of my friends met up with this kid and had sex with them, they only seen them in person for four days. All they talk about is how "I need a boyfriend again!" I try to help them find a person. But they never like who I find because "they arent him!" Well, they keep on asking me what I think, and today I just couldnt hold it in. I said "either stop saying that you need another boyfriend, or let go of this person that you dont even really talk to anymore! They dont care if you move on, in fact they TOLD you to! So MOVE ON ALREADY!" Grrr... I dont get this. They keep on trying to meet guys online but it aint working because "nobody is like him. I never liked anybody but him!" And now he is really pissed. I tried to say I'm sorry but they yelled and told me "its none of my business so but out!" excuse me? EXCUSE ME!?!? Stop fucking complaining to me then! Dont fucking bring up your dumb ass relationsip problems... ask me about what i think about it... then yell at me when I give my opinion!

One of my biggest pet peeves is when you ask me a question, and tell me to SERIOUSLY answer you and then you dont friggin like what I say if its not good! this is from the same guy who asked me....
___________________________________________

Do you like these jeans on me? (they were like $100, were light coloured, bleached stains in them, rippes all over, and were 5 sizes bigger than he was)

Honestly?

Yes, I want your honest opinion...

Well, It kinda seems like they are too torn apart. I mean, I like little rips but its too much, and I'm not into grass stains on light pants...

these ones dont have grass stains...

Oh ok, well, one, you dont have the money. and two, those are 5 sizes bigger than you and are literly falling off of you.

Well I honestly dont care what you think... I'm getting them anywhay!
___________________________________________

WHAT THE HELL! People just want me to lie too often, I'm not gonna do it anymore! I will just refuse to friggin answer because they only get pissed at me! P.S. he did buy the jeans, everybody picks on him about them behind his back, and they are always showing his butt crack! Yea... They are just sooooo hott!

anywhay, if anybody else has a rant you can post it here... lets rant together! Woot!