I am SO SICK. Eugh. This always happens to me right at the beginning of school breaks. Maybe I should miss more school.
I have a fever. My brain hurts. My vision is weird. Blah. :(
So I figured I'd get online, to distract myself. In stead of lying there unable to sleep pondering how shitty I feel.
In other news, my dad knows. Kind of. See, what happened is yesterday we spent all day talking about gay people. From who's secretly gay in our family to gay movies to gay hair. Then, at night, we were still talking about that stuff, when he starts saying that it's every father's secret dream that his daughters will be lesbians.
Right, so this is sort of silly, but there's this movie coming out here soon that I am SO EXCITED about. I like, almost cried when I saw the trailer in the theater... Sigh... Yeah. Anyway, I know it's been out outside of the US for awhile, and I was just wondering if any one on here has seen it or heard of it or anything? It's called My Summer of Love... It's about like. Two girls and. Other things. I'm not even sure, I just really want to see it. And I'm not sure why that is, either. Anyway.
So. Since figuring out that I'm gay (which apparently every one that I know already knew... hee hee), I have felt amazing. For the first time in my life -- literally -- I really feel like what I am isn't something bad. I even love my body. It's totally weird. Wonderful, but weird.
I think that many, many of my other issues actually stemmed from this one, and now it's that's all figured out, eveything else is just. So not a big deal. :)
Okay. Hello. Just broke up with the boyfriend and admitted homosexuality in less than five minutes. Thought I'd update you all.
--- Okay, this is kind of a weird story. Keep in mind this is still very much a working draft. I need to know whether it makes sense. I mean, I know it won't make much, but hey. Any comments would be greatly appreciated. Thanks you guys! ---
The Shape of Pain
The headlights of the cars that pass by remind me of animals’ eyes. The stars flicker, pinched and beady. I don’t trust them.
Hi. I feel kind of weird right now. Not in a bad way, just. I don't know.
I'm meant to go out with my boyfriend tonight. We'll see if that happens. Ugh. Wow. Yeah, okay... Feeling gayer by the minute. :/
School ends in less than a week! Score! I am so ready for summer. I won't be doing anything TOO exciting... I'll travel some (annual trip to the Cape and various suburbs of Boston)... I'm doing this cool two-week all-girls film school program at a college in my city, where you get to stay in the dorm and use professional equipment and whatnot. That should be pretty fun.
Right. So after weeks of refusing to write anything about my boyfriend, I finally cracked. Here's what gushed out. Hope you guys like it. It's as of yet untitled.
Right now I feel too hot. I am scared that the heat only seeps from my skin. I’m scared it’s me. My fault. My shoulders are red in places that absorbed too much sunlight and now they’re stained, glowing, bright as it shines back out again.
Where is it written that life should be easy? When did if become reasonable for people to try to change themselves, for the sake of comfort or convenience? Why do we take all our energy for improvement, for doing good, and turn it inward?
I just came home from a very upsetting session with my therapist. I don't want to see her, or anybody else that, ever again.
I love myself, I love my life. I am what I am. And if what I am is painful, so be it. I was made this way, this is how I am meant to be. Why shouldn't I suffer?
Last night was one of those really bad migraine nights, where the headache keeps changing from one sensation to another (first it's my vision, then a headache, then mood swings, then my stomach hurts, etc). Whenever this happens I always end up sobbing and get really messed up, and like, screaming things at myself that I don't understand, and usually cutting myself. I didn't cut myself, which was hard (REALLY hard) but I'm glad I didn't.
Today was really weird. I haven't been at school in sooo long, and being there was just... Weird. We only have three weeks left, but suddenly that seems like a really long time.
I'm kind of upset about something, and I'm not totally sure why. My boyfriend and I have been together for... I dunno, like two months or so. Things with him are fine, techinically. I don't know. I just feel kind of weird about the whole thing. Like, yeah, I like him, but... Well. The whole thing is just so altogether not a big deal. I just don't care that much, either way. I feel like I'm just sort of screwing around, waiting for something better to come along. Or like we're together by accident, or by default. Because there was nothing else to do. And what the hell is our relationship about? It's not about love. Is it about sex? WHAT'S THE POINT? WHERE IS IT GOING?
-- This is a piece I wrote a few weeks ago. I need to pick some stuff to read at this annual presenation thing my school has, and this is one of the candidates. I want to know if you guys enjoy it, if you think it's appropriate, etc... If anybody has any suggestions for a title, they would be greatly appreciated. Thanks --
You have a headache. You’ve had it for days, a week, almost. You don’t have it all the time, but even when it doesn’t hurt you can feel it, hovering just below perception. Hovering and shifting and waiting to come throbbing into life again.
Hello! I am SO BACK... Wow. Just, wow.
That was like, the weirdest... I dunno. It was. Really intense.
Our schedule was INSANE... We'd get up at 6:30, eat breakfast, leave whatever hotel we were in around 8:00, do tours and stuff until lunch time, then have a few hours of freetime in the city, meet up again around 4:00, more tours and activities and whatnot until dinner around 8:00, then MORE STUFF after dinner, get back to the hotel at like midnight. It was fucking crazy.
Ahhh... I am so freaked out/pissed off/disoriented/sick/confused/angry/fucked... AH
Okay, so my fucking boyfriend and I planned to hang out tonight. I'm leaving for Europe on Monday so this is the last time we'd get to be together for like two and a half weeks. He said we were definately doing it on Monday, again on Wednesday, and this morning. Then, after school, I went to ask what time he'd pick me up and stuff, and he started saying something about having to go to a wake, and planning to hang out with other people. So, naturally, I said, "Wait. What?" "Well, uh. I'll call you if I can go out, okay?" And then he runs off.