Imagine living, but if even for only a day, in a world that was primarily homosexualized. Yes I know homosexualized isn't even a real word, but, in my world it is =)

How much easier would it be to find, flirt and date other members of the same sex?! At this point in my life, don't even want to think about how different things would be.

I honestly, truly believe I wouldn't be the little virgin panty pussy I am today. My situations like, I'm not even into guys, yet I've still gone pretty far with them, ie I've done everything with them BUT vaginal sex.

:making out, done. feeling up, done. feeling down, hey! done. oral, done (and never again! ah!).

It seems every time I get drunk, I end up flirting or dancing slutty with guys. Either I'm that easy, they're that easy, or I'm just that desperate. I'll admit it is kinda fun. But it is nothing more.

I want more. I want to dance slutty with girls, but not straight ones. I want to flirt with girls, but not straight ones. I want to look at girls, but not straight ones, and I want them to notice me. I want to feel the warmth of a women, the touch of a women's soft, smooth skin against my own. I want a women in which I can exchange sweet, passionate gestures.

I want I want I want. Yet I'm not willing to get up and go out there to find these people. Opportunity seems to have been hidden from me. Clearly I need to step up and make my own opportunity, cuz' it sure as hell isn't presenting itself to me! urg, but it's all so troublesome. And it's like, how do I initiate all of this? All my attempts thus far have been pretty weak =P

Today I bought a super micro-computerized rice cooker, played badminton, and made sushi for the first time (using my super micro-computerized rice cooker of course). I decided to skip out on the house robot party, where I would undoubtedly polish off one of my many bottles of wine stored in my closet. Instead I decided to stay home, do laundry and clean up my room.

It's almost been about two hours. My room looks worse than it did before...

For chrismikah, the main items I got were pj's, a hoodie, a Japanese plate set for 4 (ugly one at that(brother 1 picked it out =P)), a couple T's and 120 GB USB (bought in Beijing by brother 2). And as par usual, my mom bought us all an unnecessarily large amount of good DVDs and junk food.

This year I bought some pretty kick ass gifts for my fam, as this is the last one where we'll all be living under the same roof! Brother 1 is moving on out this summer, I'll miss him! Brother 2 and I bought him a wii with mario party 8. For brother 2, me and brother 1 got him a new digital camera as well as DBZ season 3, 6 and double movie featuring Cooler. And for my parents, we all pitched in and got them a new shop vacuum (as the one at our cabin kinda died).

Now, for those of you who do not know who Cooler is, he is Freeza's evil brother. Since our hero Goku and friends defeated Freeza on the planet Namek, Cooler comes along and wants revenge. Now for those of you who don't know who Freeza OR Goku is, I pity you. For you have missed out on a classic, mediocre anime that brings strong belief among children that they can fly through making loud, constipated yells. Ahhh, the story of my childhood...

On second thought, if you haven't seen this series, it's likely for the better. Chances are, you're probably 3.1415926 times more normal than me!

On the 29th, I plan on making sushi again... this time I will step it up, buy a whole fillet of salmon sashimi, slice mango, avocado, cucumber, pollock (ie the fake crab meat), caviar (if i can find it fresh), roasted sesame, tuna sashimi (if I can find it fresh), and some ginger and wasabi for various members of my fam as they like the stuff.

I'm pretty pumped!

He told me he likes me, that's he's liked me for a while now. He's one of my best friends - I was hoping this wouldn't happen. Not that it makes things awkward though, it takes a lot more to make things awkward with me! I just, I donno. I guess it makes me feel kinda bad, for making him feel this way.

But also in a selfish way, makes me feel more frustrated. This isn't the first time this has happened - becoming really good friends with a really good guy, and then having them want to become more than friends.

I mean, man, if only they were girls. Beautiful girls. I'd almost for sure be the one tripping over my own feet for them! Over the last few years, I've met some really, really nice guys. If only, one of them was a girl. If only.

I need more girl friends, ie girls that are friends. Ever since high school ended, I've noticed a lack in estrogen (other than my own!) in my life. Which is probably not a good thing. Like, I've got girl friends, but at the moment, none of which I'm really close to/talk to about all things in life. Guys just simply don't gossip like girls do, or rather the vibe is simply different. I miss having those chats with girls, you know, heart to heart convos. I haven't had any of my girl friends input on my life for (what seems to be) over a year now, so I guess it's about time I get on that.

I guess, I'm just feeling rather wound up lately. Maybe it's partly due to a combination of things, including stress from exams. But I'm on break now. So hopefully things'll cool off inside my head cuz' lately it's been rather irritated.

oh golly. F'ing typical me. Tonight I went to this formal social you see. Had a few drinks, danced rather sluttly, you know, the usual. But this time, I danced with like, 4 guys, not including the random cute asian guy that tried to dance with me...

Two of them (T and A) are old high school friends, my best guy friends back in the day. We plan on hanging out a lot this winter break. They know the dancing was all good and fun, at least I like to believe so anyways. Ya we're all close and all, so I don't mind.

the other one is my current best guy friend (Ke). I was afraid that he'd fall for me. Gawd, please don't let him fall for me. It seems every time I get close to a guy, he ends up taking it the wrong way. Or rather, not the wrong way, but it's like his mind plays tricks on him, and he just thinks he like s me, that I'm 'all that', but really that's not the case... I don't want him to like me that way. When we danced, I wasn't really into it. I was actually kind of scared and really uncomfortable.

the fourth guy (G), I don't like him 'that' way. But hell, I can't deny his cuteness. I just checked my fbook, he sent me a message. He said I looked good tonight, and that he kinda wanted to dance with me again, but didn't think Ke would appreciate it. Shit. Is he beginning to think I'm into him? Am I? No. Sure I'd love to make out with him, play around with him. But I don't know if I could be serious with him... He seems like a real nice guy, I don't want to lure him in... but at the same time, honestly, the feeling of being liked back is so soothing. But to get this feeling at his expense is obviously wrong. BUt at the same time, I feel like, I've just been running away from every opportunity I get. and that;s because I have been. And I've payed for this, I have no real experience. When ever a guy gets too close, I just tell them I'm gay. And they kind of back off. or it's like, they'll still kind of flirt with me, hold my hand, buy me drinks, dance with me, but at the same time, know they never have a real chance with me.

This boy (G) knows I'm into girls already. BUt urg. I don't know what to do. I don't even know this boy very well. He's a really cute white boy with blue eyes lol Golly I can't help it!

I think Ke was especially jealous when I danced with G. On the way home, he asked me if there was anything between me and A... I think he got a little jealous tonight... I feel I need to solve this, before it gets too messy... I'm not one to get buried in drama, but tonight just seemed a rather whorish night for me.

I feel like such a tool. nothing but an object being thrown around. I wasn't this bad in high school, I feel like I've digressed, gone backwards. F*, I don't even know if I properly used the word "digressed".

I used to feel like I was the mature one, that I was ahead of the game. But now, I feel like the child. The one that hasn't got things sorted out.

I just sent G a message, apologizing for not confronting him after our dancing was interrupted. I told him that I want wanted to dance with him again too. This was not a lie. So I don't feel bad. But I feel like I'm egging him on now, so I feel like shit. What am I doing?

does it matter that I don;t know what I;m doing? All my life, I would never do something without knowing exactly what I was doing. Why is it now that I feel the need to get out there and do some stupid things. TO do stuff with no reason. No reason. I'm all about reason. One wrong mistake, could change your life forever.

I'm talking nonsense now. F*, I don;t even want a boy in my life right now. Why can't beautiful women hit on me. For once, I want a cute girl telling me that I looked good tonight, and that she wanted to dance with me just one more time. Why are these so hard to come by?

That last boy that tried to dance with me, at that point in the night, I just turned to him and gave him a look, like, 'what the hell'. He at least apologized.

SHit, I have my interview for my summer job tomorrow... and right after I got work, then a sushi date right after that with a few friends...

I need to sleep on all of this... the last couple of days have been, a lot to process...

this entry, just shows me how I have actually not matured at all in the last 4 years of my life. It's sad.

I feel like a tool. It makes me not like going out, dressing up, being girly. By doing so, I feel like I'm simply putting myself on a display shelf, for any to use.

But I like dressing up at the same time. I like showing off my body, I love my body, and I used to think that I loved my inner self as well.

When I look in the mirror tonight, I see a girl that looks and acts like every other girl that conforms to this stickin society. Tonight I felt like a piece of meat being passed around the table. Fuck you all. I hate you for showing me this reality.

Thank you all for showing me how weak I really am, for showing me what I am to you.

I need to sleep on this. I need to process this all, and come up with a solution. I know I'm better than this. Pull yourself together girl and deal with this accordingly, you obviously need to do some talking/sorting out. I need to talk to Ke and G. Man, before I even talk to G, I need to get to know him. I actually have only met him this year, through K, but Ke also knows him well too... F*. This all makes no sense to anyone here. Everything and everyone in this entry is intertwined. It's annoying.

Jeez, I looked back at random parts of this entry, and it's all so depressing. I sound so angry. But if you were to ask me tomorrow morning how I was doing, I'd reply, "great!". I mean, I just got on winter break, recently gotten in touch with a lot of old friends, and everything just seems all hunky dory. And it is. It's always just this one part of my life, that just gets me feeling so down sometimes. And now is obviously one of those times.

I don't even want to post this now. I don't want to read back on this, to recall this shitty feeling. I know it'll just be forgotten about in the morning..

The only good that came out of today was a fabulous hair cut (from a really cute girl), and 4 free drinks, courtesy of a couple of guys. And hell, I can't deny, I liked dancing with G. He seems like a cute guy, inside and out. I was, kind of turned on by him... and by the two gals dancing of so friendly together...

His hands, the way he held me. He didn't touch my breasts, or move below my waist, he was so conservative. As silly as it sounds, it made me feel although he was being respective of my body/me. Rather rare in a drunken hot male these days. He held me around my stomach/waist, in a comforting way, his head next to mine. I felt safe, warm and fuzzy.

But is that the feeling I'll get when ever a handsome nice guy comes around? I know I've felt his way before, and nothing special has ever come of it. Perhaps it's because I don't allow it, give it opportunity... maybe it's because I actually am a full out lesbian... lesbian, I hate labels.

K, this is ridiculous. Goodnight.

Her head lay resting on my right breast, my arm around her waist. Her warmth, her touch, a feeling I have not felt for such a long time. I wanted to graze her body with my hand so bad, but I didn't. Her boyfriend probably wouldn't have appreciated that...

I hate her for this. I hate how she still holds this power over me. I don't even like her 'that' way. No. Not anymore. Did I ever really? I don't even know, but I do know, that I cannot deny her presence. She was a pretty large part of my life back in high school. I hardly ever see her anymore nowadays. But when I do, and when she comes close to me, it just, brings back so many feelings. Feelings I had forgotten about, that I had forgotten I could feel. As much as I hate her for this, I can't help but be thankful she still is around in my life.

K, do you know what you did/do to me? Deep down I think you know. You know that I'm not alright.

I'm sorry I don't call you anymore. But, for so many reasons, I just always thought you were a bad influence on me. But really, your outgoingness could in fact, be just the thing that I need. As much as I hate to say it, I could learn a lot from you.

Thank you for the xmas card. I really wasn't expecting it. I didn't know you still thought of me as friend, a good friend at that. I feel ashamed. But at the same time relieved. Relieved that, I hadn't been forgotten.

And yesterday, T sent me a text. He asked me how I was doing, if I was done exams/done being wrapped up in school. He said he wanted to see me, cuz' we haven't really seen much of each other this year. Again I was touched. Again I felt bad, bad for being a horrid friend.

So many that I can think of, for sure feel that I have probably forgotten about them. Moved on with my life. But really, I haven't. I haven't gone anywhere. They're the ones that have moved on. But here they are, taking the time to look back and take my hand.

People care about me. They really care about me. Like, if I were to die today, they would cry for me. They would attend my funeral and mourn for me. I am truly touched by this fact.

But what is it exactly that they see in me? Why do they keep calling me? What is it that draws them back? What have I done for them to get them calling me at the end of the day? A year later? I've been a horrible friend towards them, and yet they still ask of my presence. They chose to invite me, include me in their lives.

This winter break, I should really try and be a better friend. The fact is, I want them in my life, all of them. I used to have such a bad impression of many of them, but that was simply because I was going through a rather hellish time. I still kinda am really. But tonight, just seeing many of them again, it made me happy. A happiness I had a forgotten about.

Golly. I love you guys. I really do. Your hugs, all of your hugs, smiles and sense of humor. Make me laugh, make me smile, make me feel. I'm so sorry for forgetting. Seems I've become the foolish one.

And this is why I say, old friends should never be forgotten. For if you do forget, what good was all that time of your life? It would be waisted, time lost and bonds broken. Never forget the experiences you had, good and bad. Remember those who got you through, kept you sane, and shed some light in your life when things seemed a bust. Be grateful, you had something. Be grateful if you still have them. Be grateful, if they've given you that second chance. Take this opportunity to get them back, and hold onto them, as they have done for you.

So uhm, I GOT MY FIRST A IN UNIVERSITY!!!! Elements of discrete mathematics, brother number 2 took it and got a B. I'm feeling great. He'll be so proud.

K, time to go study for another 12hrs, I got my last (and hardest) exam tomorrow morning D'= BUt then I'll be freeee =D !!!

So my brother number 1 applied for a mortgage the other day, ie he's moving on out! Which to me is a rather scary thing - I'll miss having him around the house! I mean, he's been around for the last 19 years of my life, ie all my life! Things just won't be the same...

That said, this xmas is most likely the last that my family will spend as a whole, living together. I want to make it good. For him, I want to get him something he won't expect (from me at least lol). He really likes his movies and video games, and he says one of the first big things he's gonna invest in is a big screen tv. So I thought, the perfect gift would be a ps3. That way, he could watch dvd, blue ray (which is gonna take over anyways), aaaand play his video games. It's about $400. Totally above my budget. My other brother (brother number 2) offered to pitch in $100, and I would ask for no more. That brother is going on birth right this year (Israel), then traveling for a couple months thereafter, so he's rather broke this year too. But we want brother 2's last xmas here to be the best, so it's worth it! My parents are gonna buy him a bed I think lol. Nothing like a sweet ass bed for xmas eh?!

eh. I'm so canadian. Tonight, with wind chill, it's supposed to feel like -45 degrees Celsius. Man, it's not even January yet, and we're getting this crappy weather. Winter's only begun! Urg, this is gonna be a longgg winter ='(

My legs hurt. I tested for my orange sash in kung fu the other day. My sifu tests so hard. My legs hurt so bad at one point during the test, I almost had the erg to cry. But I didn't. Instead I pushed myself, and I feel good about it all looking back =) She was super proud of me. I think my usual habit of slacking off all the time kind of gets on her nerves sometimes, so I think thats why she was so happy. Man, what a slave driver. I was cursing the whole time. But hey, I passed =P

Today at work (pool - lifeguarding), two lovely young Jewish girls came in to swim (it's a Jewish community centre). One was obviously from Israel, Israeli accents are too cute! They were pretty easy to watch ;D In a non-creepy way of course! haha =P I feel silly. Also, at the pool I work at, on the florr above the pool is the gym. There's a track that runs around the pool, and there's windows all the way around, so from the pool you can watch people go round and round and round... ANYwho, there was this one other girl, fit and pretty, who was going around the track doing this lunging and squatting drill. All I know, is that I definitely wasn't watching the water will she was up there lol. Man, I'm a horrible lifeguard.

But like actually, I don't even wear a bathing suit when I guard. And I usually wear sweats. ie if I had to jump into the deep end, I'd probably start drowning myself lol.

Today this mother told me she thought I could be a doctor. She's not the first person who has told me that. Sure, I think if I was interested, I definitely have the potential... but hell. I'd be an awful doctor. I'd hate the irregular hours. I want to be a teacher. Regular hours, great hours, and hell, it's something I can at least see myself being able to tolerate as a career! I like to teach/talk/lecture. High school math teacher is my goal.

Last night on ebay I ordered 2 bamboo sushi making rollers/mat thingies. This winter break and and brother 2 (the middle child) are gonna attempt to make sushi. I bought Japanese soy sauce today, as all we have in my house is Chinese soy sauce... BIG difference. I'm gonna ask my mom to buy Japanese rice sometime this week, and that... I wanna say rice vinegar? That you need to make the sticky rice. I'm super excited!! Exams just need to be done right, NOW. So I can embrace my giant sushi craving.

Speaking of which, I only have one more exam. Everything has been going so well so far. I think I did good on all of my other 3 exams, and presentation. All that's left is this damn statistics 2 exam. I haven't even started studying for it yet, I have only 2 days... I think I've kind of screwed myself over for it... I really can't afford another F... I'm going in with an 83%, I'm definitely in the top 20% of the whole class (ie people taking this course, not just my class). And definitely the youngest (along with my other couple of friends) that is in the class. It's a second yr course, and since it's first term, it's impossible/highly unlikely any first yrs are in it. ie competition is tight/against many students with at least an additional year of university experience than us. I hate to say it, but I think one of my friends is gonna fail. She skipped a lot of classes, and failed even stats 1. I'm kind of worried for her, but at least she started studying for this a few days ago. I haven't even started yet, I'm becoming more concerned for myself actually... I only really have 2 days to study for it... awe shiz.

Today I booked a hair appointment for the 18th. I'm going to a formal social then, and I haven't had a hair cut since end of friggen August. So uh ya, I guess it makes for a good time! I'm kind of nervous for it! this is the first real BIG, formal social I've been to. I didn't go to any last year.

Money is becoming an issue this year. Since my mom retired this year, my parents haven't been helping me out for paying for my kung fu. I've been the one paying for my sparring gear, testing, and now I need to friggen buy sabers ( I get to play with swords!! haha). It's costing me hundreds. I plan on spending tones for my fam's xmas presents. I want to go to Vancouver sometime this summer, that alone will cost me a grand (if I go I'll be shopping/eating/buying expensive "beverages" ;D ). Urg. I wish I got more hours at work this winter break =(

Brother number 1 (the older one) is rather homophobic. He's only ever really showed disgust for male gays though. My best guy friend is kind of like this as well. My brother 1 (and 2) don't know of my gayness, but my friend does. My friend says, he has no problem with gay guys being gay with each other. But he obviously wouldn't like it if a gay guy were to "act gay" around him, and he really doesn't like it when guys even pretend to be gay with each other. He said he has no problem with girls (typical...), though he thinks that when girls make out with girls at parties, a lot of the time it just makes them look slutty, and it's actually a bit of a turn off for him. That part, to me at least, I could relate to.

As for the rest of what he said, I told him it all sounds silly. Firstly I said, if girls have the right to act gay around each other, then I obviously also give that right to guys as well. And that, ya. In a lot of cases, but not all, girls making out with other girls at a party isss really slutty, and sometimes a huge turn off. Lately, I've been starting to think of it as being rather annoying. It' a huge tease! And I feel like we're being mocked sometimes...

Like obviously, when ever I talk about this subject I think back to the day of when I was good friends with K. We made out twice. Each time, she initiated it. And when I really think back, each time I feel like I was taken advantage of. Sure it was all fun and games, but nonetheless, the feeling of being taken advantage of never feels fun in the end. I know many people here may be able to relate to that feeling... it sucks.

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Does anyone ever dream anymore? I feel like I'm one of those really weird people, that just like, never grew up or something. I love dreaming. It makes me happy, because I can put myself in scenarios that are favorable to me. But I feel foolish sometimes, because it is not reality. But if it makes me happy, I find myself thinking, why feel foolish? But really, is there a point where we have to draw the line? Do most people do this? Or do some continue dreaming? I feel rather childish today.

I've been so busy with exams/life lately, I haven't been on much. So uh, ya, long entry =P

Like holy crap. I just copy and pasted this entry onto word, and it took up 4 pages. My counter says over 1550 words... Like holy crap. I usually make long entries, but not this long lol damn, I really need to start studying... But first I need to cut some cheese and crackers and grab a cold can of coke from the fridge to study with =D and my feet are cold, perhaps I'll soak my feet in a tub of hot water while I study. Isn't that weird?! But it works. It keeps me from moving away from my desk... and hey, it's like having a warm bath for my feet! It's so soothing! lol k wow, I'm rambling, I'm gone, gnight all.

Yay. One exam done, 2 to go. One of which is tomorrow, which I haven't really studied for yet HA! and instead of studying, I took a nap in the study carrels, watched the newest ep of Bleach, and now I'm on here. I plan on heading down to the gym right after this too lol. So this exam should be interesting... it's only economics right?! how hard can it be? I got 75% on the last test without studying... I'll be satisfied if I got 70% on this one. Mind you, in-class tests can be misleading compared to final examinations...

My exam this morning went well. Elements of discrete mathematics, is now officially done forever =D !! One more week of torture, and I'm done for the break! After this week, I'll be done statistics FOREVER! which is such a lovely thought. Apparently it has a 1:2 drop/fail rate.

But financial accounting next term is quite scary. My brother rated it in the top 3 hardest courses he took in uni (and he was a student for 8 years!!) Apparently 2/3 of the students drop out/fail this one. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm one of them. I'm signing up for a full 5 course load, I'm kind of walking into it really... But whatever, I'll at least get to see what it's like. And who knows, maybe I'll get the stuff, I've never done anything like it really. Plus accounting was one of the majors in business I was kind of looking into, that and international business. So uhm, ya.

I hate classes like that though. It's a total cross between what I have come to call "filter classes" and "money grabbers". Not only is if required, yet only a fraction of business students carry on to actually ever use the knowledge gained from this course, but it's also hella hard. Meaning many fail/drop, and have to take it again and again, and pay for it every time.

University for that reason blows massive bubbles of shit, and nothing less. It's totally a sham in my mind, for many reasons. Yet given the chance, conformity is definitely the most favorable choice. Yes, I have gained knowledge which I consider valuable (and a ton of absolute crap of course). and cuz' ya, I wanna get a decent job that will allow me to remain the lovely middle class lady am I am today ;D

but urg, so many hours of studying. So many hours of my life that I'll never get back D'= But it will be over for now just in one week! Then me and my brother can make sushi all winter break and play magic cards and mario kart/mario party/perfect dark/golden eye 007 =D Man, good times are ahead!!

And today was only my first exam D'=

Today I wrote my exam, went to my other classes, left the last one early, came home, passed out at 2:30pm, got woken up for dinner, then proceeded in watching Star Wars Ep lV. And now here I am, at 10:30pm getting ready for bed on a Friday night. Feels good =P

Saturday: I'm waking up at 8am to attend a 10 hour Statistic 2 seminar. it goes 9am-7pm. Sounds fun no?? This guy is great though, he essentially teaches you an entire course in one day. Brilliant. In total, this'll be the 6th seminar of his that I will have attended in my uni career to date (he does other math courses as well). His seminars are roughly 10-12 hours long. This will make for a total of approx. 62 hours I have listened to this man talk. Beautiful.

Afterwards me and a couple of friends are going out for desert =D Who needs dinner right??

One exam down, 3 more to go and a long ass presentation in mandarin. So tired! I need winter break to be NOW!!

My brother is going to Beijing Sunday night. I'm rather jealous. Once I'm done exams, we said we'd make sushi =) Exciting, I've never done so. I'm going to buy lots of salmon! And a some fresh mango, and make yummy mango rolls!! *drools*

Also, two days after my last exam there's this formal social I'm going to. Should make for a fun time! I've never been to this big of social before. It'll be like grad all over again lol cept ya, a bunch of classy, drunk uni students! Uhm, my brother might be going too =P It'll be cute. Perhaps I'll just hitch a ride with him rather than making my friend drive all the way to my house =P

And of course, the evening before my big discrete math exam is my kung fu testing! Such horrible timing! I know they're gonna run late, so I need to see if they can either a) speed things up for me, or b) have a make-up date for me/others, if any.

Early this week my friend took me to get some real sparing gear for kung fu. It'll be fun! I can't wait to show everyone what I can do. I'm always so lazy during class. But when sparring, it's like, you have to move fast! Or you'll die lol I want my sifu's to recognize me as someone that they could make great! It's weird how we strive to impress and receive recognition from others eh?

When I was doing competitive badminton, I was never as good as the top players. I started playing competitive way to late! I could never catch up. Or rather, I never planned on it. I knew I was going to quite after high school, cuz' I only had time for either badminton, or a martial art. So I guess the lack of recognition I got in badminton is kind of driving me to to better in kung fu...

Also, growing up with two older brothers, they're essentially always better than me at almost everything. I want to impress them. I always have an urge to do better to impress them. Their input means much to me. This goes for everything, school, badminton, kung fu, work, etc, ie life. They've both been so successful at life so far, I need to keep up with them!

This. was a very random entry. I blame it all on exams. My sanity, is deteriorating. I don't how I'm gonna make it to Dec. 16th!!

It's a rare occasion when you meet/see people that you met while you were still in elementary school, and haven't seen since. I was ten years old. I want to say she is either one, or two years (max), older than me. We think we took tap and jazz dance together (we just discovered this yesterday =P). We'd always get in trouble for playing around, talking, and trying to step on each others toes. Good times. She is a red head. The one thing I remember about that dance class was that one red headed girl. She grew up to be a beautiful young woman.

We work together every saturday now. She works behind the sports desk, and I work in the pool. Our offices are right beside each others, so I always hang out behind the sports desk with her and the other girl during my time off (which is half the time lol). I listen to her stories and heard a few of her rants. She seems to lead a pretty entertaining life! lol She's athletic, smart, and just plain out realistic. Modest, pays for her own schooling, buses to school, teaches diving lessons. She doesn't seem too/overly fem, but certainly isn't butch. She's about my height, petite, and actually just seems to have quite the perfect/cute body. I noticed she doesn't wear makeup to work. In my opinion, she doesn't even really need it. But hell, when you're working behind a sports desk, or in the pool, who the hell wears makeup? It's rather silly especially in the pool, cuz' eye liner runs and then you actually just look like utter hell!

It would be interesting to see her outside of work. Cuz' ya, other than back in the day of tights and tutu's, I don't think we've ever seen each other in anything other than our work clothes and a pair of sweats =P

This winter break she said she wants to go see Peter Pan. She said none of her other friends wanted to go, and that her mom said she'd go with her onnnly if she couldn't find anyone else to go with lol poor girl. Me and the other girl of course told her we'd be good to go! But, we'll see. We were rather casual about it all, so it may happen, and may not. And if it does happen, obviously it'd be pretty sweet if the other girl didn't come! I'd just love some more time to actually crack down on this girl and get to know her more.

I anticipate that this is nothing more than a little straight crush. Of course there's always that little glimpse of hope that she is, in fact at least somewhat gay. But well, how often is that the case? I have yet to experience that. From what I've seen and heard thus far, I cannot really see her leading anything much of a gay life.

Nonetheless, she is fun to talk to, and is plenty entertaining as a friend. And heck, an extra motivation to go to the gym on a sunday afternoon (she works sundays too) ;D

but ok! So I came out to one more friend today. She just kept asking me about boyfriends/boys in general. So I thought, hmm, I should probably just tell her...

I haven't felt nervous telling a friend that I was gay since last year. But when I told my friend S today, I definitely got that sinking chest feeling. I've known her since jr high (ie I know her/she knows me quite well!). She's also from a very traditional family. Perhaps those where the reasons I was rather nervous of telling her - I didn't really know what to expect.

Just like every other reaction I've gotten thus far, she was extremely positive =D And surprisingly understanding. Right before I had told her, she insisted that we go to the gym/over to my other friends house to work out and such. As silly as it sounds, I was afraid that after I had told her, she would then be doubtful of going with me for some reason or another. However of course her mind was untouched. She even seemed happier, more intent. Silly me. I should have known - I should never have doubted. She said she was happy that I had told her/shared this aspect of my life with her.

Life is only as good as the people you surround yourself with. and hell, my friends, are awesome =)

I don't even know how many people I'm out to anymore. Whoever knows, knows. Whoever doesn't, simply hasn't heard yet. Everyone I've told has appreciated me telling them. In most cases, it has even strengthened our bonds. Mostly likely because there is no longer any barriers, no more lies. I have brought down my walls and actually let people in.

I have been hurt by 'friends' before (when I was much younger), thus grew afraid to bring down my walls - my barrier to protect myself. Little did I know, I had only trapped myself within. I have learned something from all of my friends. I have learned, that it is ok to bring down your walls, make yourself vulnerable and let those you feel are close to you in. I have learned that it is worth it to take that chance. For with no sacrifice, no risk, there comes no reward.

The reward feels nice =)

Mind, Body and Soul

I believe are essential in life.

I have soul.

I have body.

My mind is quite lost right now though. Imagine if my mind were a physical thing, like a ruler. It would be twisted, stretched and pulled side to side, torn in tiny fragments and tainted with cowardly intentions.

I must distract myself. If I cannot heal the mind at the moment, I should focus on perfecting body and soul. Then perhaps once all is done, I will be ready to tackle the all disastrous mind that I have to work with.

I just can't deal. I can't/don't know how to deal with what direction my life is going in. I am a problem solver, yet I can't solve this one. It's killing me. I'm a very smart girl, yet I can't think of a solution to my own problems. It's killing me.

I am better than this, yet I feel so inadequate. I feel great one day, and then like complete and utter shit the next. It happens only when I think of this, only when I think of all that I have buried deep inside of me. I feel disgusted. It is times like this, I think the most horrible things. Unforgivable. Shame on me for even thinking such things.

I need a break. A long, long break from this all. I need to clear my mind, and start over. For if I don't, I'm kind of afraid I might just spiral down again. I will not let this happen. I am a smart, rational girl. And I will get through this. Breath girl, breath.

***

Angel, by Sarah McLachlan. This song has gotten me through many hard times. She has such a pretty voice. It's so beautiful, and so sad. I listened to it when my Baba died, I listened to it during times of my depression, when I received my first F in uni, and I'm listening to it now.
The Calendar Girl, by Stars. Is also another good one.

Today was a very productive day. I've been having a few of those lately, which is nice, cuz' getting a lot in one day, means I can slack off almost completely the next =)

Today I went to school, got my mandarin vocab. for the next unit done (during my other lectures mind you... perhaps not the smartest thing to do, but hell, I don't do anything during them anyways), finished my stats assignment, went to the gym, did 3 loads of laundry (it's been a while!), watched three eps of good'ol anime (an ep of soul eater, bleach and casshern sins) and memorized 29 more characters of Chinese =D

I guess I felt bad, cuz' I've been slacking off the last week lol. Last night I saw Jabbawockeez (I think I got the spelling right this time?!)! It was a pretty smashing show. I missed my chance to meet them though ='( They pretty much bolted right after the show. If I had only went to their pre-party last two nights ago, I could have! One of my friends that I went with is a hard core dancer, ie has 'connections'. She went, and her and our friends got to meet them/take pictures with them. Instead, I went to bed early cuz' I was tired from working all weekend =( Boo.

Tomorrow will be nice. I plan to be very productive, ie I have a big mandarin quiz on friday that I only started studying for tonight D'= !! I'm not too worried though, my prof's tests are pretty easy. I usually score 92% or so on them! Mind you, the average in his class is probably about 95%, so that puts me below average I guess lol. But hey, I'm the only person in my class that doesn't know ANY form of asian language already! I went into the 'heritage' class (cuz' my friends are in it), so almost everyone knows cantonese already, ie most can ALREADY read Chinese! And with this guy, it's all we've been tested on really. And now, there's only about 12 of us remaining in the class, it's kind of scary!

We get tested orally in December. He said we get to make a little skit. My plan (assuming we're doing groups of 3) is for one of my friends to be santa, the other a kid sitting on santas lap, and then I'll be the good little mandarin-speaking Jew playing with my dreidel, and in the end we'll all go out to sing karaoke together. =) I think, I smell an A+! 太好了!! =D

It's funny, my brother is going to Beijing at the end of the month, and I'm the one learning/doing mandarin 4 times a week lol. He's done school for the year. He has a pretty blonde girlfriend. They're both going on birthright in February. He said he'd bring me back something nice (ie probably some lame keychains lol). I'm extremely jealous. What a loser.

Life is good. I'm in uni, taking four classes. I work a part time job with my brother, life guarding and teaching swimming lessons. I have time to keep active, go to the gym and participate in kung fu. I have friends and family that care for me, and I for them. I have it good and easy, I plan to abuse this fact to the fullest.

The Alternative:

Scenario:
The machine tells me: 184 heart rate, 400 calories burned. My legs are numb and wobbly, and my feet seem to have fallen asleep - perhaps my shoe laces were done up too tightly. So tired, so worn, I felt horrible - I felt great.

Sweat streaming down the side of your face, burning feet, aching legs, that quench for water so strong, even your arms feel like they're floating, pushing your body beyond its limits. But you must keep going, you must follow the beat of the music streaming from your headphones. If you miss a beat, shame on you.

Of course me and my brother split a box of KD, a big bag of chips and a few halloween chocolate bars each upon arriving home, dinner wasn't going to ready for another 2 hours! So we thought we'd only have a light bite to eat before din ;D I burned a lot of calories! So I thought I should make up for lost energy. Ah yes, did I mention eating is another one of my favorite pass times?!

Explanation:
Twas the first time at the gym for nearly two months. I had forgotten how it feels. I have been so busy with work and school lately I haven't had the time. But now that my series of midterms are over (and after some nagging by my brother and mother), I've been able to get back on track.

It's like a drug, exercising. It's a distraction, one that I swear gets you on some sort of high-like feeling (some hormone is released no? any sciency people out there?). I'm one of those people who always has a lot on my mind, I need distraction. This drug is perfect, it has no negative impact on the body (if done safely of course!), and even benefits you in the long run.

Unfortunately in the last two years of my life I have not been able to get in as much exercise as I have in the past. I can feel the impact. I did last year too. However, I am quite thankful that sports, and just keeping active in general, has been so highly encouraged though out my life. It has been a savior for me, something that has kept me in line. Cuz' ya, there are much worse 'drugs' and habits that I can/could have gotten into.

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Cutting:

Scenario: Fuck my life. I need. To feel. I need. Relief - that satisfaction.

Explanation:
Even teaching swimming lessons, working at a summer camp. These two elements were probably the main reasons I stopped cutting in the first place. I didn't want people to see the scares. That and when I played sports, sweat would get into the cuts and sting like hell!

Cutting, for me wasn't that severe of a habit for me personally. I did it to feel (I was emotionally inadequate at the time). I never cut too deep, as I had no intentions of killing myself or making massive scares that would last my entire life. I cut enough to feel, to extract small amounts of blood. It was something about holding that blade, holding all that angst, then throwing it all away once the deed was done. Relief. I can feel something. Gawd, even now I can recall that oh-so-satisfying sensation.

I haven't cut once in well over a year. Is there a chance I may start up again? I don't know. What it is exactly that's been preventing me from doing so already, I do not know. Perhaps it's because I don't want to explain cuts on my legs and arms to little kids (that I teach swimming lessons to) and my co-workers/brother - no, I did not cut for attention. But more likely, it's because I have more support than I did back then.

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Drugs:

No scenario. Just a word of advise: don't mix alcohol and weed, as it may lead to confusion and drowsiness.

Personally, of the three topics I discuss in this entry, drugs are the least concerning in my life. Exercise has no negative effects on your body, cutting has external (degree depending on how deep/often), but drugs are totally internal and that's not cool with me. In my life, my experience with drugs is quite limited. Lovely mj is all I've ever done - all I plan on doing. The feeling is cool, I'll give you that. But in my opinion, it's cost out-weighs it's benefit. Definitely something that I will never acquire to be a habit.... perhaps occasional usage (ie UP to a couple times a year) with a good group of friends =)

Even drinking I don't do very often anymore. This is mostly due to school. Sometimes I'll get out and drink up to 3 times a month, sometimes none. It totally depends on whether or not I have exams and/or major assignments due.

Honestly, drinking doesn't even bring much satisfaction. It just makes you feel, and do stupid things. Sure, it's fun to get stupid with all your friends every once and awhile, but in terms of providing temporary relief (which is essentially the topic of this whole entry), it gives none. If anything it magnifies it. However, I cannot deny the satisfaction of a good captain black and/or prime time on a good night of drinking.

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This, of course, is my own scenario. In no way am I speaking for anyone else. For others, the effect of drugs/cutting and alcohol may be reversed. Perhaps mixing hard alcohol and weed doesn't confuse and/or scare everyone. This is simply my case, written in my journal. It all makes sense to me I swear!

Today I got pinched by a girl. Maybe 3 1/2 feet tall, approx. 6 years old. During swimming lessons today I guess she panicked while I slowly let her down from doing a "back star fish" float, and she fricken pinched me! It hurt! Instant bruising occurred =( That bitch.

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Mid terms are finally at a halt for the time being. My grades sit at roughly B (economics), A (second yr statistics), A/A+ maybe? (elements of discrete mathematics) and A+ (mandarin). Don't those courses sound interesting?! .... =/ Economics is boring as hell, 2nd yr stats is just hella hard, and discrete math is getting hard. Mandarin is ok, today I learned that my prof likes to salsa dance =)

Learning Chinese is like playing pokemon - there are so many characters, as there are so many pokemon! Memorizing a character is like catching a pokemon - you gotta catch 'em all!! Once caught, it is a matter of strategically grouping together said pokemon into a capable team. Yes it is hard, a great deal of work and time consuming, but it is indeed fun to be doing/learning such a subject!

On another note concerning learning Chinese, my friend just introduced me to Ni-hao Kai-lan, ie the Chinese version on Dora. I have concluded that, after watching a short 3 min clip, that Kai Lan puts Dora to shame.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n7ke_9-6JzI
-> for those of you who would find entertainment in watching a little asian version of dora sing =)

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At my friends halloween party, I think I must have come out to at least 3 people, if not more? It all started with a couple of my friends talking about strip clubs? I got mixed in somewhere and we all started talking about girls, what we like in them and so on and so forth. I don't quite recall exactly what I said to expose my gayness, but I do remember Boy G's reaction. He didn't believe it. He actually had to turn to Boy T and ask if I was telling the truth. Girl A was just hammered and joined in on the girl talk. Boy C, who I danced rather sluttily with a few weeks ago joined in and was pretty chill (perhaps he knew already?). Honestly, I don't even know who knows and who doesn't know anymore.

This weekend it is Boy C's bday bash at a lovely techno playing club (did I mention I LOVE techno?). I could go, and perhaps dance slutty with him again.

However I could go to Girl M's bday at some typical pop/hiphop club, where Boy L will be. Boy L goes to UBC, but is coming in for the weekend. I just happen to think he is kinda cute ;D Inside and out of course! BUt then again, Girl M has a huge crush on Boy L, and I don't know. I couldn't. I believe she likes him differently than I like him, ie she's like, actually in love with this boy. Thus I could never try to dance slutty with him, especially considering it is her bday. Boy G will also be at this club, I think he is quite attractive as well. There's something so innocent about him that draws me nearer.

But alas, if only I desired a penis in the long run, then perhaps something could become of these minor infatuations. So, who's bday shall I attend: techno playing club? or club with 2 boy infatuations of mine. hmmm...

I was gonna write more, but my brother totally pulled me out of my room to play him in a game of magic cards and completely killed the mood. Yes. Magic Cards (I assume only some of you may be fortunate enough to know what these are). Embrace your inner geek, you know you want to =)