Well,

Turns out another god friend has been harbouring feelings for me. He confessed that he has had a crush on me for some time. THis Friend is also in a four year relationship, of which, here is the kicker, his bf stated to me two months ago he had a crush on me back when I first met.

This is the sith time in three years that a cfriend has confessed feelings for me or wanted to persue a sexual relationship with me. In the past after said confessions usually happen, things go weird. very weird. Usually I have distanced myself from them, walls go up, etc. And I the friendship ends there. These friends were people whom I valued as friends, nothing more. no interest in a sexual relationship.

Well, I awoke today, Utterly tired. I was exauasted the night before from doing a movie with my old roomate The Bike (her nickname, cause everyone gets a ride) she is exauasting to be around.

I didn't want to go to work, contemplated a sick day, but realized that if i called in sick today I would loose my stat holiday oay for tomorrow. So off i went to work. when i left the building... it was COLD. not just any cold. It was svere shrinkage cold for thsi timne of year. So stoped at the store on the way to work, bought some 7up and a couple lotto scratch tickets.

Love Letters to a Stranger 1

My Dearest:
It is raining just slightly now.
I have the windows open.

There is a cool breeze,
and the rain is bringing
in the scent of the lilacs from the garden.

I miss you!
Oh, my darling how those words sound so strange-
we've never spoke,
only shared a glance from a distance.
Yet,if I do not write you I will feel so lost.

Well, I had no intentions of being silent today for day of silence, to me, the whole Idea only serves to further make the heterosexual majority make victims out of us. By us being "silent" it says "look at me, i'm, a helpless fruit, look at me, I am so repressed"

My day of silence was caused buy a sore throat and stuffed up silence. I called in sick to work, as my job requires me to talk to americans for eight hours a day. I stayed home, reformated my computer... (lost eveyrthing includeing IM list) I never said a word to anyone. Because I was sick, and my throat hurt to talk. That my day of silence.

Fate, is eomthing people say is unavoidable. or destined to be. I used to think life is what you make it. what you make of the relationships you have with people, what you make of the situations you are in. what you make of yourself.

Lately I have been thinkinga bout this alot. People say everything happens for a reason. I am not sure about this at all just yet. the relationships I have forged in the last year, the situations that have happened. have changed me, I have a hard time beleiveing they happened for a specific in part of a whole grand scheme set out before I was born. all the while I cannot deny they changed me, were these people and events pre-written? or is it just chance?

As I write this I have BPMTV (beats per min tv) on in the background. The dance music playing. The sounds, The speed of it. It turns my crank. I remember my early club days, where I would dance none stop for hours on end! I don't know how I did it. When i hear the Music now. I want to close my eyes and let it take me to another place. standing beside a speaker at the clubs, the bass hitting your clothes, reverberating thro your body.

One year ago today I lost a friend. He has a life long illness that finally took him.

When I first met him I used to think he was encredibly naive. Thro his 20 short years he was always upbeat about life despite his chronic illness he acheived many things. He was on the board of directors for the local gay support groups. his motto was "all are welcome"

Over the years that I knew him, especially in his last years when he was sick, I learned alot from him, visiting him in the hospital, our talks about good times and the bad. He helped me realize that its ok to be who you are, not to bottle things up inside. no fake fronts, show your true colors.

The one person who saw the real me, even tho i never presnted it to him. The one person who beleived in me. The one person who took a chance on me. The one person who trusted me. Is back in my life.

He was to retrun from overseas three weeks from now. He called tonite. to surprise me, he is home early. hopefully for good. I want to say "Thank You" to him.

JB

I

white noise

We sit
and listen
to smart people
with college degrees
talk
about nothing
about chemistry
and history
and other things
so easily forgotten
I twiddle my thumbs
and glance out the window
(big mistake)
I watch the clouds rolling by
and the dandelions blow 'cross the schoolyard
and the chemistry
and history
is drowned out
by the white noise
of my imagination
and other things

The Call of the Abyss

I'm standing on the edge of the Abyss,
But it's not dangerous,
It's the Abyss of my mind.
But is that even more riven with dark and harm?
If I fall in, will I die?
Do I want to die? Or maybe the question is do I want to live?
Whatever my choice, I will not let them see into the Abyss.
I'll place an icy cover over my emotional television.
I couldn't hurt them with my selfishness

Alone

alone but awake, as i sit here and think,
nothing to do, so i drift and drift.
thoughts run around, and scramble my mind,
too much to do, but no motivation inside.

too many pieces, awake in my head,
sometimes i wish they'd just all go to bed.
my eyes are the enemy, with all that they see,
create different images, all part of me.

imagination plays a part, in this tormenting game,