Is it that overwhelming feeling you get when you like someone. When you think you would do anything for them. When they occupy your every thought and feeling. When the thought of them with another makes you gag. When their importance seems to supersede that of your grades, your family, or your life.
I've just reread what I've written on this site, and dear lord I sound like the most emo, angst-ridden teen I've ever met. I think I'm going to try to post more on this site so that I can sound a bit more POSITIVE. For gods sake what was wrong with me. From this day forward you will be seeing a new side on me. Thank you very much.
I actually lead a relativally boring existance. Today I did the job hunting thing.
I know I don't post here very often but I'm having a bit of a problem right now. It's coming to the time where I need to have my college list done so that we can go visit them, but I want to be an engineer. The ratio of girls at any of the top engineering is somewhere between 18-30%. I need to find a school where the ratios are at least a little bit more balenced because I know my social life is going to curl up in a little ball and die if I have to live for 4 years surrounded by nothing but guys.
I think I'm falling in love with my roommate. Life sucks.
I am NOT happy right now. All my tests are tomorrow and I am not allowed to sleep tonight. Plus me and Val just had this HUGE fight. We were in the math office because I needed to get my makeup work for the rest of the week and she''s just hanging out doing a rubix cube. I made a joke about her always complaining about her BC grade (which is an A+ by the way...) and everything seemed to be fine. Then we walked out of the office and without saying anything she hits me really hard right on my solar plexis and knocks the wind out of me.
Yes, so it's been a while but I figured I'd write whats going on with me. Val, the 'love of my life' in highschool terms has a crush on her math teacher and the weird thing is, i think he is responding. I mean its not the worst thing in the world because if you take away the teacher-student thing, their perfect for each other. I'm just getting jelous and I feel really weird. The more serious thing is that I've been having seizures and the doctors think I might have epilepsy.
I hate you. I hate you for how you pretended to care. I hate you for dropping me right when I needed a friend. I hate how you act like nothing ever happened. I hate how you laugh when I cry. I hate you for not understanding. I hate you for thinking I should just get over my depression. I hate how you hate me when I have mood swings. I hate how you hate me for cutting. I hate how you never tried to understand. I hate the things you say to hurt me. I hate how you broke my heart. I hate that you ever spoke to me. I hate that I fell in love. I hate you for believing my roommate when she said that I was a bitch. I hate how I trusted you. I hate you for being so stupid. I hate how you think your so smart. I hate that you left me crying. I hate that you tore me apart.
My roommate is currently in the room w/ her bf, so I have been temporarally exiled to the computer lab. In other words...I am board. So I am essentially going to all of the message boards I am a member of and typing random stuff. So yeah. I have realised what a pain it is to avoid names...and how pointless it is so I am giving my friends names.
Friend/on again off again crush=Val
Ok, so this is a weird situation. You see, with people I haven't outed myself to I
tend to swich all my pronouns from feminine to masculine. So the other day I was talking
to one of my friends and I said "I really wish I had a boyfriend" What I really meant
was I really wish I had a girlfriend, but swiched the gender part. I had forgotten that
this particualr friend enjoys matchmaking as her hobby, so she decided to get me a boyfriend.
I'm a junior in highschool and it seems like everyone is pressuring me to make
all of these huge desicions about my life. One of my friends just spent like
three hours screaming at me on friday about how I am totally fucking my life
up because I dont spend all my time studying like she does. I mean I didn't take it
that seriously because she is like obsessed with getting into grad school, and
My internship started on Wendsday and it is so cool. I am working at a national laboratory run by the US department of Energy on neutrino research. The first half of the day was a safty seminar
which was actually really amusing. We spent like an hour going over the fact that
we are not allowed in radioactive areas. It was like dont go into a radioactive area,
if you see a sign with yellow and magenta (the colors for radioactivity) turn back
I don't know what was going on yesterday, but it was like the schoolwide homophobia day. Usually my school is pretty bad in a subtle sort of way, but yesterday everyone was like really up front with it.
In English class we were in groups debating whether or not the Wife of Bath was a feminist,
because we are reading the Canturbery tales. (middle english, eww) Somehow our group started talking
I am back at school after summer vacation and am in a new dorm. My wingmates don't know about meand even though i usually am really good about telling people that I am gay, for some reason I just can't seem to do it this time. It is not like it doesn't come up in conversation, there is a long running joke of my dorm being the lesbian hall. I just can not do it right now and I don't know why. It is like I have put myself back in the closet all over again.
Spring Break was great. I was feeling so crappy before and I really needed a break. Living at school is rough,, 6 hours of homework every night and the same people every day, but now I am back and I feel great, which is really surprising givin how depressed I was before. Part of it probably hass to do with the fact that they came to their senses and put me back on Prozac, which they only changed because my god damn school counselor called my mom concerned because of what one of my friends told her.
Well, a lot has happened lately. My friend decided that she can't deal with my problems and just left me. It really hurts because I really loved her, still do actually. We had the kind of relationship where there was no clear definition of what the heck we were. We were more than friends but not dating and not family. It is just freaking confusing. She did all kinds of awful stuf to me because she felt overwhelmed. We are both codependant, meaning we had no lines drawn against each others pain, plus she's bipolar and I would be manicly depressed with panic disorder (fun combination huh). It is just really weird because she did all of this stuff to say that she didn't want to have any kind of relationship with me, and then yesterday she walks up to me and starts talking like nothing happened. I am really confused. It's not the first time she has done this, she does it over and over again. When she gets overwhelmed with something, not usually me, she takes it out on me because she knows that I love her enough to still be there when she gets over it. It's just that I don't know what to do, she never considers my feelings. I love her, I'm just not sure how much longer I can take this. Right now I still need space from her, but it hurts to be away from her. I keep thinking about all of the really good times we had together and then it is just this bittersweet feeling. It is just a really weird thing because we were so close. Spring Break is coming so I know that I will have space from her. Every single person close to me is telling me that this relationship is bad for me and I shouldn't take the way she treats me, but then I think of the good times and I can't help but miss her. She lives in my dorm so I see her every day without fail. It is just like for every bad feeling, there is the memory of how she made me feel safe and protected, loved, cared for, and the feirce feelings of loving caringness I felt for her, if that makes any sense at all. It is just so confusing. At first I tried to be angry at her, just to make it hurt less, but I can't, I understand that I scared her with my behaivior. I wasn't mean or anything, just so depressed I could barely see straight. I am really confused. Part of it is she consistantly refused to clarify what we were to each other. The more I look at the history of our relationship the more I see that we were together and just couldn't admit it, if that makes sense. When people would ask her why she didn't have a boyfriend she would reply, "Well it's either a boyfriend or Sarah, and I think I'll keep Sarah." I mean I know how I feel for her, but how the hell can I sort out the nature of our relationship when she talks like that. Our relationship was not a friendship, friends don't act the way we did, look at each other the way we did, plus as much as I said she was straight there is a very good chance that she is bisexual. I routinly catch her checking out girls, she watches so called "fan service" anime like Love Hina and Ai Yori Aoshi, and when she saw a LGBT book on my floor she mentioned that she owned it. I repressed my reactions and brushed it off, but she looked very uncomfortable, like she expected a different reaction. Plus we touch more than we do in our friendships. We are both very big supporters of personal space in most of our relationships, people know not to touch us, but when were alone a lot of snuggling takes place. We will sit and watch anime and slowly drift closer to each other until one of us falls asleep on the others lap, we routinly hand hold when we walk places, though not when we are with others, we do everything short of kissing, and there are times when I think that we are going to do that.