You think there's nothing worse than having a crush on a straight girl. But there is, I'm in love with a fictional character from a movie. I know it's stupid, but I can't get her out of my head. I must be slowly going insane, this is what happens when you stay in the closet too long kids. The loneliness creaps up on you.

Went and bought the movie "Boys Don't Cry" today. It felt like I was buying a porno. In my head it was like: "i wonder what the guy is gonna think if i buy this movie.." "Maybe I shouldn't buy it.." "No.. I want to buy it." Made me realise that I am soooo far in the closet, it's sad.

Anyway so the movie is great, I've been wanting to buy it since after accidentally stumbling upon it while flicking channels one night. It's really upsetting what happens in the end, but I liked the love story part of it. I have a crush on both characters..

So I was watching Queer as Folk last night.. and then my cousin started talking to me on msn. Tell me if you think he's homophobic.. here's some of our conversation.

Cuz: Hey what are you doin?
Me: watchin queer
Cuz: Nooooo! I don't like that show
Me: haha
Cuz: Lucky your a girl, otherwise I'd bag you for it
Me: hehe it's a pretty good show
Cuz: It would be if a typical fag type Carson wasn't on it

Ok I have so much emotion running through me right now, I think I need to write it down. Timmy came over tonight and we hung out at my place for a bit.. we decided to go and take photos of the freeway from the bridge down my street. Gorgeous night, but just a bit windy but the blue glow coming from the freeway lights were awesome.. Yes we did the immature thing and tried to spit on the cars going past.

I've just pulled into a car park, my sister is sitting in the passenger seat. I open the car door and check the white line.
"Am I straight?"
I then realise what I'm asking myself.
"Um nope definetely not straight.. far from it"
I answered my own question with confidence and was giggling inside. Well I found it funny..

Haven't written for a while. I just finished watching queer as folk on tv, it's a great show. I was watching it with my friend Timmy, it's cool how I felt I could relate to all the queer jokes. I still haven't come out to him yet tho.. I feel like I really want to.. but then I think that I don't want him to be the first one to know. He's a close mate but I would rather tell my sister first.. but it's too hard for me to even imagine doing that anytime soon. God I seriously do admire all you people who have told your family and friends. I was feeling all happy and proud after watching queer, almost ready to just tell Timmy straight out. We're at the train station, no one in sight, peaceful quiet night and a perfect moment to get it over and done with. Nope couldn't do it.

Can you assume someones sexuality by what music they listen to? I know this girl who listens to Tegan and Sara and Ani Defranco.. It's stereotypical lesbian music isn't it? I myself don't listen to that music.. but I have noticed after I learnt more about my sexuality, I was interested in more things that had a gay topic.. movies, music, tv etc. Or what about what sort of shows people watch? My friend watches The L Word and Queer As Folk..

My sister's friend, Christie came over for dinner the other night, and the topic of conversation somehow goes onto sexuality (it always does for some reason.. but i guess we are pretty interesting haha). So she's saying how she has one lesbian friend and one bisexual friend and they took her to a gaybar. So my ears prick up and I'm listening now. She goes on about how she felt really weird in a bar full of chicks who were making out with eachother, it was just funny the way she said it. (she's a funny girl) It was amusing to see a straight person's point of view.. and her funny facial expressions when she spoke about it. She was like "Theres a whole world out there I don't know about!" "There are those really dykie girls and then the complete opposite of them as well". She then mentioned being scared of the girls wearing wifebeaters.. she said she didn't get hit on but she got a lot of "looks". Well I thought it was cute and i'm wondering when I get to meet these friends of hers... hehe

I had 2 job interviews recently, pretty good effort for me. Why do they always have to be girls interviewing, it's so intimidating.. But ah yeah I still gotta wait to find out if i got the job. Aw so many things to buy! But I won't get my hopes up.

So a few nights ago I went out for a friend's bday, ends up the girl um "Kate" was there. She went to my school and she's a fully out lesbian who's is mates with my friend. No nothing like that, we didn't hook up, in fact I didn't even talk to her. I just wanted to be-friend her but I thought it might have been a bit weird if I just started talking to her as I don't really know her. Yeah so that sucks, I want a queer friend :( Maybe after a few more drinks I would've.. oh well that's over so I probably will never see her again.

I headed out to a gay street. Yes not on purpose really but sort of. My friend Timmy came over because we were meant to go see a band but ended up tickets were sold out. Dissapointing but expected so we decided to go play some pool, checked out pool halls around the area. Ends up theres one right on the well known gay strip, I of course suggest we go there. I was expecting lots of gay folk to be playing pool but unfortunately it was pretty quiet.

Yeah so stuff has changed. I moved out of home with my sister, so we've got our own little apartment. It's a lot closer to the city so I like it and it's cool to be on your own. I like the suburb we live in coz there's a mix of people round here, like everyones arty and different. And yes I've spotted more queer people which is great haha. I semi stalked these lesbians in the shopping centre the other day.. but it was funny coz they stopped mid way and I had to pretend to be going somewhere else even though it was kind of a dead end.. Yeah I'm a bit dumb like that hehe.

I'm kinda sad because Alex left the O.C last nite! Aw she is so hot, especially when she got all mad at Ryan. Haha how sad. But I reckon if she was real, I'd so go for her! Yeah I'm in Australia so we are a few episodes behind obviously..

Yeah anyway so I was talking to my friend the other day, and she was excited because she had made a gay friend. What's with straight girls obsessing over gay guys? She was saying how he was "actually fully out" and had a boyfriend. I found it funny that she thought it was such a huge thing that he actually had a boyfriend. But I guess she's not exposed to much gayness. So hopefully when I come out to her, she'll be just as excited! Haha I don't think so.. I've known her since I was about 5 which makes things even harder. But nah she's awesome, but I don't think I will ever be able to tell her the truth. It sucks, but that's life ay.

I'm finally 18.. I definetely need to go to a gay bar/club! But with who?? No one knows I'm into girls, and I don't know anyone else who's into girls either.. Maybe I can convince one of my straight friends to come hehe. Anyway I might just go to some gay friendly places ay. I might be able to get my driving license soon which will be awesome, but not so great as well since I don't have my own car :\ I wanna get one of those cool vintage cars, they excite me.

This is my first entry.. finally got something to talk about, well sort of. I'm totally in the closet and so it's kinda funny, coz I was at the shops with my sister and we were looking around and I had my jumper on and I said

"Shit, it's hot".

and she turns around and looks at me and has this confused/semi - disgusted look on her face and says

"Did you say, she looks hot?"

I paused for a second in slight shock because it was a scary moment that she was so close to sort of knowing, but I just told her what I had really said and she turned around going back to what she was doing..