So I haven't updated for a while.. it's been about a month since the gig, Jamie was there, I saw her for like 5 minutes afterwards. I think I was a jerk coz I didn't really make an effort to talk to her, but she didn't act much different and said she wanted to come visit sometime. So yeah and we just went our seperate ways. Oh yeah and she said she had this huge reply to my (coming out) letter but she couldn't find it, I guess I was kinda dissapointed. She messaged me that nite apologising about not having a chance to talk much and also emailed me bout a week ago saying how she isn't freaked out and thinks it's awesome and said I could talk to her about things if I needed to. Brief but nice, but I haven't replied yet.. but hopefully I will, but I'm not sure how much stuf I wanna share with her.
I was saying in my last entry that I was gonna go get my dykey haircut. And yay I did it! It's shaved on the left side, but it's not too majorly high, so I still got most of my top, fringe and right side hair which is black and has bright torquoise bits everywhere. Yes I love love love it, I felt kinda weird the first few days with people staring, but it's awesome coz I think I'm finally getting checked out by GIRLS! YAY! Haha Tim said he doesn't think it looks that dykey which I'm ok with because I like to be a little mysterious.. hehe straight people are so clueless. I think yesterday at school a girl checked me out, I mean I've seen her before and she's definetely sent strong signals to my gaydar. But she full on kept on looking back at me, maybe I'm kidding myself and she just really thought my haircut was ugly or something hehe.
Less than a week until [my favourite band's] concert! I'm so excited about seeing them.. and also seeing my friend Jamie (the girl I came out to thru my letter). She's gonna be going to the gig too and she says she'll finally give me the reply to that letter. I know, she takes her time hey. But I'm pretty over it, it'd be good to see her again though, see if she acts any differently around me. Hope we get to hang out during the nite and have a kickass time. I kinda do want her to be curious and prod me with her questions.. I don't want it be as if that letter never existed. But I guess we'll have to see how it goes.
I had 2 exams today, I went really bad on my second one, put me in a shitty mood.. but not for long! I'm at the station checking at my phone, and there's a message from my lovely friend (the girl I sent my letter to) she says that she's gonna definetely write back to my letter as soon as she can and that the [insert my fav band here] are coming to Melbourne and says we should go together! I was heaps stoked coz I didn't even know they were touring, and on top of that she isn't treating me any different after that letter. What a champ.
I should be doing my assignment right now, but who cares, I'll just do an all niter tonite hehe. In my past 2 journal entries I've been having a sook because my friend hadn't spoke to me about the coming out letter I sent her 3 weeks ago. I was stressing out because I thought maybe she hated me, and then today I was all like 'i don't care if she hates me, it's who I am and if she doesn't want anything to do with me just coz i'm queer, she's definetely not worth it'. Yes I'm quite proud of my thinking pattern today, but that doesn't matter anymore because she just emailed me back a few minutes ago!
I think she's avoiding me. She signed onto msn for like 2 seconds, probably saw me and went offline! Oh crap. Now I feel like I shouldn't have sent that letter, it's been like almost 3 weeks and she still hasn't said anything to me. That's surely enough time for her to get over it right? I mean, I'm almost over it.. well not exactly, she's kinda left me hanging and I'm freaking out. I'm getting to the point where I'm paranoid that she's read my last journal where I said I used to like her! I really thought that she would be cool with it.. arrr it's really messing with my head.
So I finally sent my 'coming out' letter to my friend last week on a wednesday.. and she should have definetely got it by now. But I haven't heard from her at all, I was anxious all weekend coz I thought I would hear from her on Monday. So now I've got this weird feeling in my gut and I dunno what I should do. She might write a letter back.. because I did say write back.. or she might feel awkward.. or she just doesn't care. Damn I dunno what to think.
This is a letter I wrote to my friend when I was on the train yesterday and I need to ask if you guys reckon I should give it to her or not.
blah blah blah....
But the real reason I wanted to write this letter is because I wanna tell you something that you probably don't know about me. I know we aren't exactly close as we used to be. But I feel like I can tell you. Ok here goes...
Time for an update on my exciting life. I lie, my life has never been more dull. People say once you come out to one person, it just gets easier from there.. it sure doesn't feel like that for me. Sure it's fun that I found out me and Tim have the same taste in girls and we can laugh about 3 years of awkward moments and conversations we had. But at the end of the day, I still feel pretty fucken lonely. I know things aren't good when I start listening to Dashboard Confessional CDs and large amounts of acoustic guitar songs than usual.
I haven't written for a while because I wanted to stop myself from whining about being a closet case. So I came out, I actually did it, not as great as I imagined.. but I'm not sure of what I was expecting exactly. Two weekends ago, I came out to Timmy on a Sunday night. I thought I would've rushed onto oasis and announced my coming out.. but it wasn't that exciting, I dunno.. I still don't know how I feel about it. Well I might as well tell you how my official "coming out" went.
Wow. I know I said I wouldn't write another entry until I came out.. but this is different and it's not about me really. Well I found out my used-to-be-heaps-close friend is gay! Well me and him go way back and then we lost contact about 4 years ago, and only started to try and get in touch again since I had moved back to Melbourne. He invited us (me, my sister, my friend) to his 21st and we were like yeah cool and all that. The thing is we ALWAYS kept on saying how gay he was when we were younger, because I mean he was pretty camp. Not neccesarily in a bad way.. but it was ages ago so I could've been an asshole hehe. So anyway when we got in contact with him and I was almost certain that he was... but sort of like still not expecting it to be true. I was actually saying that he was probably living with his boyfriend and that his party will probably mostly consist of gay boys. But even when I said that stuff, I guess I was still doubting it.
I honestly thought this journal entry I would be going on about how I've come out. Hasn't happened yet. I had it all planned, new years was gonna be when I told Tim. No, instead we were stuck with a stranger who was in love with sleeping and his cigarettes. My fault tho. Although that night I did have a connection with a cute girl, we were in the car with this band pumping up and we cruised past these bunch of people. A girl goes "hey who's playing [insert band here]?!' And I jus stuck my thumb out the window and I said something to her.. can't remember what, but she was like Yeah! and gave me the thumbs up. Little things like that make me happy.
Has anyone here come out by using a t-shirt? I'm thinking that would be cool to have 'Yummy Yummy Punk Rock Girls' on my shirt. It's from a song. But.. I dunno if I would be brave enough! It might cause to much shock factor.. would make a bloody cool t-shirt though hehe.
Listen to some aussie lesbian music! Mia Dyson. Not something I'd usually get into, it's kinda bluesy rootsy type stuf.. but it's pretty cool. Roll Me Out and Parking Lots are good songs.
It's 9:30 and I've finally decided to eat dinner. A tuna sandwich and maybe i'll wash it down with some coke. That shit is addictive. Now there's drunken girls calling up the radio station talking about how drunk they are.
I mentioned before, my friend Timmy has gone back to live with his parents up in the country. Well he stayed at my place the other weekend and I think things are finally not weird between us anymore.. he fell asleep on my bed when he was supposed to sleep on the couch but I was just like over it and slept there too. We somehow ended up singing Weezer's 'Pink Triangle'. If you don't know it, it goes