I'm at my parent's place in the sticks right now since it's nearly Christmas and all that stuff. Not too keen on the holidays this year.. I think it's becoming less significant to me every year now, but I don't think that's bad. I don't really like it here, people are so red neckish and closed-minded and if you look slightly different to the norm, you get weird looks, not that I care that much..
So some of you probably know about the guy I used to be good friends with, he's gay (found out start of the year) and I found him on myspace as well as his blog. The first time I messaged him was a few weeks ago and I got no reply back and I was feeling a little rejected and all that. Then I thought about what I had wrote in the message, it might have come across badly so I thought I would give it another go (eager beaver!) and give him a serious honest message. So I told him seeing him so happy and honest inspired me to come out to a few people this year and if we could just talk etc.
If you ever wondered about purple-haired girl, she didn't turn up on the last day of school unfortunately. But I swear she brushed past me when I was walking out of the train station, weird yeah. So I probably won't ever see her again unless she comes back next year to redo classes she failed like I a m going to be doing. If that's the case, I will definitely start talking to her then. Cheers for the comments by the way guys, they made me smile :]
Yay for me! I did my presentation, everything went pretty smooth. I did end up wearing the tie etc. Gotta admit my outfit was pretty cool haha, my sister said I look like I should be in a band or something. Ok sorry my head is growing bigger by the minute, I'll stop there so I don't cringe too much when I read back on this journal hehe.
Anyway I'm feeling pretty good coz I finally talked to purple-hair girl (the chick I kinda like) in my class today..
The new site is totally swell. I've gotta do a group presentation tomorrow for school in front of class and non-school people and I am.. how do you say.. shitting myself. Ha, hopefully it won't go too bad. We have to dress appropriately so I'm gonna wear my dickies pants, chucks, studded belt, shirt and skinny tie. Oh I'm gonna look so very dykey.. which is good/weird and I'm gonna be catching the train so I dunno, gonna get some attention (not always a good thing, unless from cute girls). I'm not sure if I'm nervous about the presentation or what people are gonna think of what I'm gonna be wearing. I know that's stupid, I'm usually confident about the stuf I wear. Might be the presentation that is freaking me out. Arr I dunno.
Don't have too much to say today. That girl I mentioned before who knew I was queer is apparently bisexual. Well that's what Tim said anyway but I'm not going to look into it too much since what girl isn't bi these days.. (no offence to genuine bisexual people) And plus I haven't fully educated him that sexuality is about attraction, not just about who you end up having "sexy-time" with. Haha sorry I had to put that in, I watched Borat the other day. Oh my god that movie is hilarious, please go see that if you haven't already. It pretty much just came out here in Aus. Laughing at stupid Americans is fun.
I showed up on someone's gaydar! Woohoo :D I met a good mate of Tim's (my best mate) the other weekend and I recently found out she told him she knew I was queer as soon as she met me. Well that just made my day so I had to share hehe. Oh and him and her might hook up and I approve coz she's cool! I reckon everyone knows except for the people who are close to me haha which is really dumb actually.
The questions have started.
Have you got a boyfriend?
What sort of guys do you go for?
Don't you want a boyfriend?
Answers: No. The ones who don't have doodles and *mumble* um nah hey anyway what are you doing this weekend..?
My homophobic cousin was hassling me about this sorta stuff and I laughed it off and avoided the questions without lying. I wonder what he would've done if I said I don't really like guys.. could it possibly change his views that gay people aren't perverted freaks. I guess I will eventually find out one day, he's just ignorant. Oh and he kept on asking if me and Tim would ever get together because I might regret it if we don't. I just told him we definetely won't because we have a "mutual agreement" (I'm a gay!) hehe.
Hello! That sounded like a happy greeting but really I'm feeling more in between shit and okay. Nothing bad happened in particular, just in that sorta mood you know? Usually venting out stuf makes me feel better so.. what better place to turn to than here. Sorry if there are more f bombs than usual.
I finally got dragged into the myspace revolution, I didn't put an answer for my orientation coz I'm not out to everyone but when people don't put straight you usually assume otherwise so at least I'm not lying completely, plus I don't like being labeled lesbian coz I personally don't like the word. And if someone asks me I'm probably going to tell em straight out.. or not so straight.. you get what I mean. Arr I'm just fucking sick of being a closet case. No one in my life truly understands and it annoys the shit out of me when they bitch about their lives because it's my turn to bitch about mine. Sounds selfish but I don't want to be the one expected to always be cheery and just because I'm thinking about something for just a moment and I'm not listening to your wonderful boy issues. Don't you hate when people think you're pissed off at them just because you're feeling down and don't feel like hiding that fact and you just need time to just be in a 'fuck off please just leave me alone' mood! The world doesn't revolve around you and I am not happy 24 hours a day just because I pretend I am.
Mentioned before that I sorta had my eye on a girl in my class, the one who I thought gave out queer vibes. We were in video class and I saw some of the footage she was in and she has a butch walk.. so I thought hmmm. Didn't see her for a while, then when I did, she had cut her hair short.. I don't know about you, but that definetely screams out dyke. I think it looks good but that's because sub-consciously I'm more attracted to queer looking girls now (it just happened, it never used to be like that). Most of the time normal looking straight girls do nothing for me, I was hoping to see cute hoodie girl at the skate shop the other day but was dissapointed when there were two new blonde girls working there instead. They don't belong there.. they should be working at some store that I wouldn't go into. To the straight guy eye, they would be considered hot, to me, not so much. Well that annoyed me for several minutes.
Um that future wife post in the forum is gross.
Ok. Earlier this year I attended an old friend's 21st, I hadn't seen him in like 3 years. Turns out he's gay, found that out at the party. I was so excited (see previous journal entry). I miss him heaps because we used to be real good mates.. but now we're pretty much strangers and haven't spoken to him since his birthday. Well I somehow came across his myspace (ok so I looked him up just out of curiosity). So yeah his page was pretty brief but linked to his blog. So I was reading his blog, I couldn't stop because my eyes were glued to the screen, he's an amazing writer and I never knew. There were photos too and it started from 2004 so I'm like catching up on his life! At this point I'm feeling like a stalker right.. Am I? I'm finding out all these things about him, some of them pretty personal. It's so strange reading about someone you know but don't know at the same time, has that ever happened to anyone?
Time for another installment of me. Hmm. I bought a piece of clothing from the boy's section for the first time since I was 10. My friend saw me eyeing the guy's section while standing on the border of the women's section and said 'go check it out coz I can tell you want to.' A lot of the things were way too big but I ended up gettin this awesome navy shirt that had a "Boy Scouts of America" patch on the pocket. Yeah I'm neither of those things so I guess that's why I found it so appealing. It's a good fit so it's me dykey style :D I like the store coz it's recycled clothing but they alter a lot of the stuff for people like me who are creative but lack the sewing ability. Yeah I'm into my clothes but not considered fashionable.
I haven't talked to purple haired girl yet, but she seems to walk past my desk extra slow but I think that just might be in my head.. But there are rumours she is going out with one of the guys in our class so I guess she's just another straight girl. But I think I'm ok with that.
I've lost my voice for the past week so I've been sounding like a pre-pubescent boy and that makes it hard to sing along to songs while I'm driving. There have been lotsa queer chicks around lately, just randomly scattered wherever I go which is cool. Makes me feel less isolated. Oh and I've been called sir and dude in the past few weeks which is something I would have been offended by a few months ago, but now I think it's just funny. I don't really think I pass off as a boy.. but some days I might dress more boyish depending on how I feel, and being flat-chested as well could help confuse people.
I can't stop thinking about her. The girl in my class with the purple hair. I don't know, she's not like really "my type" or anything. I haven't talked to her before, but she's got a cute voice and just seems sweet. Why hasn't she talked to me yet? I'm not intimidating.. I don't think. Why is she talking to that irritating guy and not me? I'm not irritating, I'll make her laugh and we'll share mix tapes together.
I've finally decided to let go of the idea that me and Jamie are still good friends. We're not and we haven't been since I left the city.. which was about 4 years ago. I don't know why I let myself hang on for so long.. I guess I treasured our friendship so much that I thought it would be strong enough to last. I stepped back and realised that we have nothing now. I don't regret coming out to her, but I think she was just someone who I knew would accept me.