I've really been MIA

pixies_in_the_underworld — Tue, 08 Aug 2006 10:53:56 +0400

I doubt if anyone here reading this will recognize me, if anyone really knew who I was in the first place, lol. It doesn't really matter, I'm still gonna write regarless of the fact that I'm a total loser. I haven't been able to sleep, and it's the first time in a very long time that my insomnia has been that bad. My mother attributes it to the fact that it's close to the anniversary of the day when one of my most trusted guy friends molested me. It was a much bigger thing them his lack of respect for my body, but more of my lack of respect and the absolute idiocy that I carried out afterwards to ensure that I knew my "orientation." I swear to whatever is out there, I will never ever do that to myself again. It hurts, and it hurts all around. I just want it to go away and never come back. I wish it never happened. It's humiliating, and it's even more humiliating that he thought it gave him the right to do it again only a couple of days later. I will never truly forgive myself, so what's a few bad dreams, right?

Slut

pixies_in_the_underworld — Mon, 20 Feb 2006 11:05:53 +0300

On Saturday, I decided to hang out with my best friend, catch her play, then go to a party afterwards. There were only six people there, three girls and three guys. I don't know why, but they lied and told them I was bi, too. I hooked up wit this really sweet girl at first, but after the guys came back with alcohol things got a little bit weird. we drank, smoked, then played truth or dare, starting with me giving some guy a strip dance, and we ended making out. We kept drinking and all of a sudden everyone was making out on the beds swapping each other and taking off cloths as if it were nothing. I hooked up with every single person there, including my best friend (which was to keep one of the guys away from her, and it was actually slightly icky, not because she's not pretty or...talented, but because she's my best friend). I practically screwed everyone there with my underwear on, which after some more drinking came off, but thankfully everyone else's stayed on. I'm an idiot. I thank god I don't go to school with these people, but this is the second time in which I've gotten myself in trouble with my best friend's school mates and alcohol. I made out with those guys because they wanted me, desired me, it gave me a sadistic thrill. I pretty much kept them from trying to do shit to me, barely let them touch me, but I touched them, and felt nothing. I wasn't aroused at all. Actually, I was quite bored. there was this one guy I started talking kinda dirty with, and that was kinda fun, but only because I liked messing with him. Oh and one of the guys, is someone who's best friend's with the only ex boyfriend I actually cared a little bit about. So yeah. I was totally sloshed, but had to act sober to get my mom to pick me up at three o clock in the morning and drop me my friend, and the other girl off at our houses. The sad thing is that it worked, pretty much. I think the only good that came out of that night, is that the other girl decided she liked me. We were waiting outside for my Mom to pick me up, and I whispered in her ear, "You know what's funny? You're the only one I wanted to hook up with, and I barely spent any time with you." She turned around to me, said, "Me, too," and we started kissing again. I liked talking to her before when we were sober, too. She's cool and pretty nice.

Happy day!!!!

pixies_in_the_underworld — Mon, 06 Feb 2006 10:42:40 +0300

Ok, so today was a happy day! First I got Ted, my laptop (and yes I am naming him Ted because it spells Det backwards, which is what I am in to my parents...plus I know you really spell debt like that...but whateva), and the girl I like likes me back! She's the bi one that I hooked up in October with, but stopped what was going on because she had/ has a boyfriend. I've been telling her about the crazy psycho girl in my life, and she's been very perturbed that I keep going back to her, but the funny thing is that the only reason I wanted psycho girl was so that I could move on from her...sigh of happiness...She told me that she reciprocated my feelings, but just needed time to sort things out, which is totally cool with me because I like her boyfriend, he's a nice guy, and I don't want to break up her relationship with him.

The closer they are, the more it hurts

pixies_in_the_underworld — Fri, 20 Jan 2006 11:13:10 +0300

I just failed my math final, and feel like absolute shit. I thought that going out with my friends afterwards to lunch (which was a total fiasco!) and shopping on melrose would make me feel so much better, but it didn't. Instead I ended up buying a great dress that I can wear practically anywhere for an outrageously obscene price (don't even ask...I'm going to have to work around the house a lot to pay back my friend who lent me some of the cash...ok most of the cash...). My friends from school, we just don't gel like the friends that I have with my best friend and friends from choir. When I'm with them I'm cold, flat, blank, which is the opposite of who I am. I'm always tired and just can't stop being...boring...it drives me crazy!!! The sad thing is that they themselves are crazy cool people, who are opened minded, and laugh with each other. Though lately, I've felt this vibe in the group, a kinda negative, capid one that makes me shiver when I just think about it. Anyway, so two of my friends were standing in back of me carrying on a conversation while I was talking to another friend of mine next to me, when one of them says, "______ give me a high five." I turned around ready to give her one, when she pulls it down and says, "Look at the only lesbian here," in a very condescending, but mostly joking voice. I didn't know what I wanted to do first, spit on her, slap her, cry or say, "Anna give me a high five. Oh, whoops...Look at the only Cuban here." Seh didn't know what that did to me, because I laughed it off because the rest of my friends were laughing. Oh yeah, it's hilarious. Doesn't she think that I feel bad enough being the only gay one in the group? That I wish I had more bi or gay friends, and that I feel really out of place most of the time. No, she's never had to feel that, because things have always come so easily for her, it makes me sick. Though what makes me even more ill, is that she didn't even know what she did. She didn't understand why or even how, it could hurt me because she's so fucking careless, thoughtless. Maybe that's why I'm so fucking cold, because I can't trust myself to defrost around them. Which is sad, so utterly and completely depressing. Friends should never say things like that, right?

no mistletoe needed

pixies_in_the_underworld — Wed, 21 Dec 2005 13:23:50 +0300

Ok, Tipsy...Yesterday night, I spontaneously ate out a girl I was sleeping with naked in a bed. The nakedness started at random, I joined her, we started making out, I took liberties, but it was not reciprocated...oh well I still had fun...but what the hell? I thought that it would be with someone I actually new...she couldn't even pronounce my name right, she had the basic gist, but not the actual pronunciation.

"If you were normal you would be dating boys..."

pixies_in_the_underworld — Fri, 02 Dec 2005 08:01:23 +0300

I haven't written in the longest time, so here it goes. I was going to go out on my first date with a girl this weekend (she had to cancel because she's too busy), and my parents totally wigged. Mostly because we had had, "this conversation last year, and we had agreed that you probably shouldn't date girls until your in college." Ok, just to clarify: THEY decided last year that I shouldn't date girls (my mother said that I could go out on dates with my guy friends...obviously she doesn't get the point of dating in the NEW millenium...) until I was in college. They had this major shitfest about how it was a big step or a big leap for us all to make...ok, MY STEP, MY FRIGGIN' LEAP! Eventually, after many tearful pleadings they gave in, but it did nothing to disperse my father's confusion over a "subject we had already dealt with," and my mother's tearful musings and worryings. They're totally supportive of me, but it doesn't mean they understand. My mom started contemplating all these wild and crazy things that my dating would open up, and I told her that it was a date, a normal thing that teenagers do, and that everyone is open to as much heartache or ridicule as the next, to which she responded, sadly and not maliciously, "If you were normal you would be dating a boy. This isn't within my frame of reference." So if it isn't within her frame of reference it's weird or something? Whatever I'm just pissed and resentful...atleast they gave in....

Seizures and Getting Crushed

pixies_in_the_underworld — Sat, 24 Sep 2005 09:22:23 +0400

It's been a couple of months since I've written, or even been on oasis...I missed it. So much has happened in that short timespan.

I finally told the girl I liked that I liked her, kissed her, and she felt that this made our friendship "stronger." Of course she kept flirting with me, told me that I was the best kiss she had ever had, then told me she wanted to get back together with her ex boyfriend, started flirting with me again, decided not to get back together with her ex, got mad at me for letting a guy grope me (long story), kissed me, and then decided to get back together with him. She's one of my best friends, is really oblivious to what she puts me through, and she's coming over to my house tomorrow for a couple of hours...fun, fun. She's also been complaining that I'm ignoring her and excluding her...hmmm...I wonder why?

persistence, sometimes annoying

pixies_in_the_underworld — Sat, 11 Jun 2005 11:31:28 +0400

hehe! finally going to rocky horror tomorrow! so incredibly happy! ooo...i went to a party earlier this evening and there was this guy hanging all over me. When I mean hanging, i literally mean he put his arm around my shoulder before he even knew my name andthen he put it around my waist. It really didn't matter to me because whatevs, he's a boy, right? The only problem is, is that he is the new ex of a friend of my, in fact the girl who was throwing the party.

fruit flies, who woulda thought?

pixies_in_the_underworld — Sun, 05 Jun 2005 12:46:09 +0400

Have you guys read the article about the fruit flies? It's really cool because it's one of the first steps in proving that homosexuality is genetic!
June 3, 2005
For Fruit Flies, Gene Shift Tilts Sex Orientation
By ELISABETH ROSENTHAL,
International Herald Tribune
When the genetically altered fruit fly was released into the observation chamber, it did what these breeders par excellence tend to do. It pursued a waiting virgin female. It gently tapped the girl with its leg, played her a song (using wings as instruments) and, only then, dared to lick her - all part of standard fruit fly seduction.

break your pencils darlin's school is out for the summer!!!...kinda

pixies_in_the_underworld — Thu, 02 Jun 2005 11:47:15 +0400

wow, i haven't posted in a really long time...oh well...

So school's out, my sister is graduating, and because of this I can now pursue this girl that she hates with a burning passion. Hooray! Also, yesterday was the last day of school, and I seriously doubt I'll see my friend that I've been drooling over for well over two months now. I know most people think that, that would be a bad thing, but I really want my feelings for her to fade because it's, well...uncomfortable to be having such dirty thoughts about someone as sweet and nice as her and as good of a friend as she is.

the guinea pig strikes again!

pixies_in_the_underworld — Mon, 18 Apr 2005 09:35:50 +0400

Ok, there is one thing that I detest most in the world, and that is being the so called "guinea pig" for all of my gay, bi, or questioning friends. It's not that I have a lot of friends who are part of the community, or out yet, but so far I've done it three times, and being the tester is not as fun as it seems. The first girl that used me, well it was mutual (but in my defense i thought it would be more than ONCE!), is now one of my best friends, but she'd rather do every other girl in the world but me (she says this quite often actually).

oh shit

pixies_in_the_underworld — Wed, 13 Apr 2005 11:39:41 +0400

btw, if anyone already has laid claim to this avatar, tell me I can change it...It's so exciting! Wow, I really need to get out...lol.

Finally!

pixies_in_the_underworld — Wed, 13 Apr 2005 11:29:01 +0400

I've finally figured out how to get an avatar!...isn't it pretty? Sorry, I'm rejoicing right now, but normally technology hates me and vomits on my hopes and dreams whenever possible!

normality...weird sensation

pixies_in_the_underworld — Mon, 11 Apr 2005 10:56:10 +0400

Decided I needed to post, but there's nothing interesting going on in my life right now! So, I went to my school's musical on friday with a friend, and she came back to my house where we watched Saved, South Park, went on the internet, talked, and ate A LOT of food. Saturday, we walked from her house down to Barnes and Noble. When I got home I crashed on my bed and slept for over 12 hours. So after going to choir and doing my homework, I'm here waiting for the laundry in the drier to finish so I can put my clothes in, because I've learned that it's nice not to have to go to school naked, especially if they require a uniform.

I usually don't like to title my work...(btw that's not the title either,lol)

pixies_in_the_underworld — Sat, 02 Apr 2005 13:20:20 +0400

I've walked through fire,
Endless screams,
Forgotten moments,
And broken dreams.
You've been with me in sleep and sight,
Making it hard to differentiate day and night.
I've loved you through it all,
From picking myself up, to making the fall.
You bring tears to my eyes when no tears should be shed,
You make me feel both living and dead.
I know that there is nothing I can ever do,
But the road would be no harder if there were two.