Conor Oberst.

It could be teenaged silliness. Five years from now, it could be seen as another phase, much like the Backstreet Boys phase during the preteen years. But... he could be true. True Blue. I don't know but his music is wonderful...

Haha. It’s funny. After years of not posting in this thing I come back to write about a silly singer boy.

Im confusing but Im straight forward most of the time.

God. Girls whom are shy and confused about their own life make too much fucking drama...

this is such a bad entry. seems pointless but i need to vent.

I still exist... and this is what i've done.

- Got 2 people to want to be kidnapped my me

- Got ignored by kate, but now we're back to being good friends

- Learned some people don't shower for 4 days at a time

- Left home at night 2 times

- Mom's leaving for mexico

- Decided Life doesn't matter

- Got Monica and Annie to be there for me

I have my own way of looking at the world. Dad can't stand it.
My psychiatrist is putting my mom on antidepressant to cope with the stress I cause upon her.

And I'm sad.

upp till nowish:

- Almost got kicked out of IHHS

- Tripped and bruised my lip

- My ear was bleeding

- My hand keeps on going up Raven's skirt

- Raven's hand keeps on going up so many people's skirts

- Found out Monica is somewhat of a friend

- Noticed Annie Alex is quite amazing

- Got into the philosophy books

- Found out a friend of mine isn't as happy as i thought she was

i'm sure there's a lot more... but i can't seem to think of anything life changing or not.

Well I'm suppose to be taking finals right now.

And here's whats been up with me lately:

-got depressed and send to a mental hospital for the suicidal

-enjoyed being at the mental hospital'

-made friends

-got 2 therapists

-been offered a Lexus from my mom

-became oddly attached to my parents

-want to go skydiving

-lost weight

-got insomnia but now i sleep too much

...eh i have to go back to the extended time room to take my world civ final.

I just felt like being friendly and saying "Hi!"

Of my life there's nothing important to be said.
Except I'm tired of people who respond to everything with 'mm.'

Apparently I do. According to two people anyway. I was wandering around school with Allison and Amber today. They wanted to talk to one of the goofy male teachers. (Keep i mind that we go to an all girl school)I said we should just go into his classroom and start a conversation with him, instead of hoping to accidentally bump into him. Then they bring up that they don't want to have a reputation like me. I'm like "huh? I have a rep?"

So yeah. They said my reputation preseeds me. I'm BOLD. I'm way outgoing and crazy in a good way...

Haha. the complete opposite of what I've been the last 15 yrs of my life.

Oh yeah. I have some serious stuff to say.

The councelor and dean are mandating that I start taking therapy. I can't go back to school until I bring a note signed by a doctor saying I'm not a threat to myself or those around me. That's the result of trying to get a hold of a knife and kill myself...

Kate cares.

Sometimes I forget I have friends.... Its weird.

I missed a lot of school the past 3 weeks. Wallowing in self pity for liking a straight girl. I forgot I had friends. Kate said she missed me when I wasn't around. That people did asked where the hell I was.

But anyway on Wednesday I had a conference with the freshman councelor, the dean, and my parents. Now if I don't raise my grades and stop missing school I might not be invited back into IH next semester. And well since I like IH so much I better try.

So yeah. On Wednesday since it was a half day, afterschool a group of us went to the glendale market. We hung out. Saw Harry Potter, ate IN-AND-OUT, and bumped into a bunch of ppl we knew...

Now. back to doing all my missing homework.

*forces a smile*

Had an awkward convo with the girl I like.

She's a big deal to me.

She didn't realize that.

I'm going to go and be bitter now.

Probably going to avoid her for a while.

Her sister noticed I've been suspisiously quiet, therefore I'm sort of emo according to her.

I'm content with that fact. No one else seems to notice my sudden change from happy me to sad me.

Whatever.

I told her I found it...

I feel bad. never should have even liked her. she's too good, even if she's in this mood right now. But most importantly I should have never read it.

Now i kinda wanna die. Wish I'd never met her at least.

She deleted the account. I'm pretty sure it better this way.

me: i was bitter, i ate a donut. now i feel sweet. u should try it. not saying that ur bitter tho.

she responded "what?"

sometimes i can be such a retard.

So i woke up crying today.

I really shouldn't have read her journal. Now I know more than I should. And it hurts.

No one I actually know reads this journal. At least I hope so. I hope it stays that way.

I just finish reading her journal that no one knows about. I wasn't suppose to know about it but me being me, remember everything she's ever told me. And I sort of put things together. So it isn't really bad of me for having figured it out. Maybe it's bad of me for having read it. Seeing as how it's about her private not so always happy point of view on life. I feel bad...

I really like her though. And it's not because of her tortured self, or her happy perfect self. I like her. I don't know how to explain it. I just look at her and see someone whom I could just past time with. Not care about other stuff. Just be there but apparently she's fallen for this other guy. Knowing that hurts... then I cry.

Right now tho. I don't matter. She matters. She should be happy. I want her to be happy and get out of that mood she's so deeply in. I want her to care about things. To feel real. Then maybe I'll care about myself enough to want her to acknowledge me. Now I just want her to see the not so bad part of everything.

Tomorrow, maybe I'll call her.

Well, four days of having absolutely nothing to do are coming up.

Lie... On friday I'll be going to the movies with some friends. Andrea whom I haven't seen in the longest time invited, I invited Monica and Lauren but it's very likely they won't make it. That sort of brings the day to down to a lower note.

So I only get to go out once this 4-day wkend. My mom got this idea that i'd only be going out with friends once a week. Need I say bored?

Tomorrow though I plan on running to my dad's apartment and back to my mom's. That's maybe about four miles. Maybe I'll run somewhere else. I'm not sure. I just have to get in shape and learn to swim. I want to join the swim team.

Maybe something will come up and I'll have something else to do but I doubt it.

This is just a pointless entry. No point to it what so ever. Or maybe there is but it just happens to not be that interesting.

Friday... We walked the 10k walk at school. It was okay. I ran most of it but kept on waiting for some people to catch up. When we got back to school though, it was pretty fun. This girl Samantha, a singer from austrailia sang these two songs and gave us all autograph pics and CDs. We also got a BBQ... Hmm the high point of that day was that Melissa, Lauren and myself went on a very slow walk to Jamba Juice. I like Lauren... So yeah. I kinda ended up being at school till 5:30 which kinda sucked except that I was in the library talking to Monica the Sub.

Saturday... I went out with Raven and her friend Hadas. I don't think I ever want to do that again. They're cool people but they went through the entire day stealing. Sure I did somethings I would have never done without them like hug a pirate, flirt w/ some girl for a discount, walk around hollywood at night, buy a whip and betty page calendar. But they stole a CD and the alarm went off. That was just too close. They got away with it and other minor things but it's just not right.

Sunday... I stayed home.

Today... I didn't go to school and I kinda regret it. Today I had video club...

Now as to the hotpocket and and insightfulness.... that's just from my conversation with Monica the other night... I was talking about taking on a boyfriend I don't even really want. Then somehow we were talking about how hungry we were and hotpockets. And she's a very insightful person. Always or sometimes has an opinion if not critisim. I like Monica.