She dyed her hair purple for summer. She would go well with purple, although she told me what she actually tried was a dark blue, but it all washed out
and left a ring around the bathtub. She may try again, but it seems that her hair is too dark to dye. She did say
if the light hit it certain way
a halo of blue shone around her hair. I didn’t even ask for poetry.

There are three types of British Swans. The first is the mute swan. Nobody cares about the other kinds.
Mute swan were made from the left over’s from Adam. He gave a rib and we forget that he got a hole, so
We are born beautiful
Our hearts and grails hidden beneath floorboards.
I don’t think they have swans in Ohio.

“I’m losing my words to you.”
Typewriters
are continually on my mind. I dream of their fingers flooding
private heavens,
laid quivering in rows.

Do you believe in guitar, gutter girl?
It was raining a little grey rain today.
I called you so I could get the answering machine.
I was afraid of what would happen if you picked up.

The aural canals of birds are much more sensitive than ours.

An ash tray under a tree.
The man before me missed you too, he smoked a pack for me.
I sit among the swans and angels, who are singing hymns from green beer bottles.
And every time a star goes by I make a wish for you.

“That bum is going to go use your money to buy alcohol”
Every time I walk away, I breathe a little bit harder.

They’re here.
I knew before I came that they would descend and alight with the sound of cherubim.
So
Let’s
Go
blow up the swans
The fucking,
Symbolic
swans

Their eyes like trumpets.

October 2007 is a long way from my last entry. I've moved to London, from Ohio. I'm going to school as a boy, which was beyond my wildest dreams last time i posted here.
I'm settling into city life and international school better than I thought I would. School has all sorts of characters. The first person I made friends with was Robert, from France, who gets free lunch at a cafe near school because they think he looks like harry potter. He's got the social skills of a time bomb. 2/3 of the time he is an asshole, which just makes it that much easier to make friends… He always wants to sit next to me and programmed his number into my phone.
I've acquired an odd group of friends. None of them are like my old friends (aka not English/science geeks and writers), which sucks most of the time, but it's still interesting. Michael, (from Greece) and I have developed a bizarre relationship. We have absolutely nothing in common besides art and football, but he really, really like me. He introduces me to his friends, "Haa! I love this kid!" *headlock* and we hang out and play football. I almost feel like his younger brother (although he's only 2 or three inches taller than me). I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. My other friends are Ali and Maxine (a duo that remind me of Julia--my best friend, and I. I've had a crush on Julia for the last four years) Julian (Lebanese and super gay), Eric (surly Taiwanese) and Sarah (feminist biologist).
My biggest fear is that being so far away from Julia will make me cease being captivating to her, to all my friends. Sometimes I just want to shout at her and tell her she’s not as observant as she thinks she is--that I love her and it hurts when i realize our relationship is getting more intimate because we miss each other so much. But she only likes real boys. I don't think little transboys count. I'm shorter than her. I can count the number of couples I've ever seen where the boy is shorter than the girl on one hand.
It’s bizarre how much our relationship is like dating. We have to talk almost every day. I send her presents in the mail. When she’s sad she sends me emails about how she misses me, and how there isn’t anyone else who understands her the way I do.
We seem to be an odd mix between siblings and lovers. When I left, she gave me two small note cards. They contained a handwritten quote from Ender’s Game, at the part where Ender finally leaves the room at the end of the world, and Valentine and Ender walk through the mirror together. It ends with, “He only knew that wherever he went in this world, Valentine was with him.”
I don’t know what to do. I think I overuse that phrase. On one of these days, I feel that I will be perilously close to replying to one of her distressed emails with an email that says, “It’s going to be okay. I love you.” Unfortunately no matter how much I like her, or however close we are doesn’t have an iota of effect on ever ending up together. I think on some degree I’m crazy, because adolescents are supposed to be able to pick up and drop affections like hats. There is no reason I shouldn’t be able to let this go, after say, a year even. Maybe I’m going about it the wrong way. I don't think we have a typical friendship. I'm not sure one is supposed to work.

As the title says, I'm going to shoot some rather awkward questions out there, because i really don't know where else i could get answers for them. I'm almost sixteen, just a month shy and am in my first relationship. I met her through a joint activity between our two GSA's, and when we exchanged scraps of paper with scribbled email adresses, i honestly thought it was to help pool resources. Our first date was at a coffeeshop, that i barely managed to get to because of a ride that fell through. We hit it off though. When we made out the first time, i was literally shaking, it was so nervous. i really didn't feel anything, and wasn't sure i liked her as more than a friend. we've had some good times since them-and i like sitting with her, holding hands and doing some kissing. but the whole making out part really still kind of freaks me out. Is it normal to think that tongue stuff is gross when your're pretty sure you like the person?-after i really just want to wipe my lips on something Do i really like her as more of a friend ? What should i do?

I haven't posted here about the girl i like right now, because it feels like if i tell anyone, she will suddenly dissapear. But I'm starting to get some signals from her that make me think that maybe she likes me too. Her name is rachel, and she's a senior. We both play soccer, though she's on the varsity, and i'm on the JV (before now, i hadn't played since sixth grade). We both like to cook and make jokes. I didn't know her at all before a month ago. But now, i see her at least twice a day, and we talk. She says hi to me out of the whole jv team, and seems really interested in me. Going out on a limb, I asked her, and a couple other friends to a movie last weekend. She and i spent the whole time together. THen, the next week at school she said she and i should go see it again, since she like it so much. I had already told my best friend Julia all about her, and she would swear i was smiling like a fool all day. THen, this morning, she said hi to me, and put her arm around me (I'm not a cuddly person, mind you). I slipped mine around her waist, and we walked like that to her Calc class. I asked if she wanted to do homework or somethin during our break period, so we sat outside on the quad and shared a cookie. Neither of us got much homework done because we kept starting converations with each other. Is this weekend at the movies going to be a date? I've been trying to figure it out since last week. 31/2 more days until i find out. I've never been on a date before, and i'm 151/2. I really hope it is goign to be a date.

OZ
March, 1980: Ozymandius bounced the basketball onto the asphalt. He made shots in quick succession, scoring on almost all of them. His spirits started to lighten as he dribbled in the early October air, faking and shooting. The brisk chill in the air and the rich smells of leaves and almost-snow elevated his previously dispirited mood. “Those guys are wrong-I’m no wuss! Hell, I’m in the NBA! Oz pushed his long, wispy blond hair out of his eyes and continued, “Man. Just because I’m no macho dude talking about boobs all the time— that doesn’t mean I’m inferior. I’m gay! So what! He felt like spitting in the face of a particularly mean kid named Rob, who had knocked him down in the hall early today. He couldn’t be the only gay kid in the school. Someone understood what he was going through. There were other gay people, he was sure there were-not that he knew any. There had to be! A little more melancholy now, Oz began to head off the school’s basketball court.
The playgrounds and courts were empty because school hadn’t quite let out yet. Oz had cut school early, knowing no of the guys would want to share the courts with him later. He took one more shot and was about to pick up his book bag when a pack of boys from his grade approached. “Ozzy boy!

Ozymandius bounced the basketball onto the asphalt. He made shots in quick succession, scoring on almost all of them. His spirits started to lighten as he dribbled around the court, faking and shooting. “Those guys are wrong-I’m no wuss! Hell, I’m Shaq! Oz pushed his long, wispy blond hair out of his eyes and continued, “Man. Just because I’m no macho dude talking about boobs all the time, that does not mean I’m inferior. I’m gay! So what! He felt like spitting in the face of a particularly mean kid named Rob who had knocked him down in the hall early today. There were other gay people, he was sure there were-not that he knew any. There had to be! A little more melancholy now, Oz began to head off the school’s court. The playgrounds and courts were empty because school hadn’t quite let out yet. Oz had cut early, knowing no one would want to share the courts with him later. Oz only lived about eight blocks from E. Roosevelt High and could jog home in less then ten minutes. He took one more shot and was about to pick up his book bag when a pack of boys from his grade approached. “Ozzy boy!

I had a rather bipolar vacation. on one hand, it was great weather, a awesome beach and i did nothingbut relax for to weeks. On the other hand my mom drank several times when we were there. one time she was so bombed she rode her bike into a lake. That was actually kind of funny. The contrasts were so sharp it seems like there were two different vacations.

My long-time crush, Julia, told me she fell for this guy a few weeks ago. It hurt like hell. I have never felt like that before. Sure, now i tease her about it and joke, but it still hurts when she sits near him and they look at each other. Worst was when i walked in on them holding hands. This is really only weird because in the 3 years i've known her she has never mentioned that she likes a guy, and never gone out with anyone. Then, all of a sudden, she tells me one day that she has something really important she wants to tell me. I get all hypd up, hardly daring to wonder that she might say she likes me-because in the last few months she has mentioned starting a GSA at our school, taken part in day of silence, and written a poem about me (not romantic). That just made the fact she liked this guy so much worse. I would be easier if i hated him, but i don't. He, lets call him David is one of my close friends, and is exactly the guy I want to be. bleh. its 12:00 my time and im being melancholy. I should sleep.

Fing sucky church day- sermon was great,but youth group was boring. It was seriously like tourture. I found out that one of the problems our youth group leader wants to be helped with by God is not being patient with his dogs. Oy. Watched Desperate Housewives. Funny show-Gabriella is hot. I was lying, probably not purposefully, when I said I only had one out of my three types of days per day. Some days, I feel like I really am a guy. some days, I have no idea in hell what I am, and some days I wonder what it would be like to be a normal girl. They often switch. At this current moment I’m of the mind that I am a boy. Why do I think this? I have no idea. I wish the inner recesses of my conscious would give up the answer.
Boys and girls are made differently, scientists have proved that. So why do I feel like this? Why do I want to be a boy? Should I just shut up and just do what my proscribed gender role is? Should I try girl stuff? Is it wrong that I don’t want to try girl stuff? I wonder if I’m intersexed. I wonder what the probability of being intersexed is-maybe one out of a couple hundred thousand or something? I will go look that up now. Mom is 6 days sober, I feel pretty great about it, but I don’t really want to believe if because if I do, and she drinks again I will really fall apart.

This is how i've been writing journal entries for myself lately. I just can't seen to make time for relaly thoughful ones. So here goes my though blotts of the last few days

1/10/06-Should I go to winter formal? Julia asked me to go with her, and other friends of course. I could wear black pants and my new button-down. However, there is that whole going to feel stupid and uncomfortable because of sexuality/gender thingy. Maybe I'll get to dance with Julia? Especially confusing gender day, for the record.
Damn. I just tried on a light blue tank top-and have no feeling really about it. I didn’t like it-yeah I looked good in it, but I didn’t like it. Can’t say I totally hated either. I didn’t like it. Then I tried my new brown polo (boys). Right now I like the brown more. Right now just liking something over the other is going to have to be enough.

1/11/06-“I think not letting people read written words is much more dangerous then whatever could happen if they read them

My Dad and my Mom's therapist encourage me to write letters to my mom about how I feel about my Mom's drinkning. I believe this is the third or fourth letter. Leigh is my younger sister, and my Mom just came out of rehab to start drinking again. Here's the letter:

Whooho. Another letter. Y’know these things are obviously a waste of time.

You, my dear mother are drinking again. I can’t say I’m disappointed. I never had any expectations in the first place. I am pissed off though. I wasn’t expecting perfection or harmony. But I wonder what stuck with you from the Caron program if you started drinking as soon as you came home. Your drinking hurts everyone, most of all Leigh, who has had to live with this through the supposedly golden years of childhood.
In the book Reading Lolita in Teheran, something I’ve been reading lately that I really love, the narrator notes that most of the villains in stories lack empathy, and the people that fail are the one who try to impose their incongruous dreams and beliefs on reality.
I was thinking about writing that I have no empathy for you in this situation, but after going through anorexia, I almost unwillingly admit that I do. However, I have no sympathy, or do not feel like proffering much help besides support and these damned* letters. I really do not devote much of my time to thinking about our family’s problem with alcoholism. It’s just not on the top of my list. I can’t help but muse however, that you are expecting all of us to conform to notions that set us up to fail. I think we all have to be willing to accept faults in each other and be able to compromise. In conclusion, I really hope you are strong enough to admit that you have relapsed and will (#1) Admit that you are powerless, and (#2) Turn your life over to a higher power.

Score one for Kyle!!!!
I camw out to my therapist today. It was extremely nerve-wracking, and I didn't manage to bring it up until about half-way through. But I brought it up and told her that I was doing a lot of questioning about my gender and sexuality, without stammering or stopping. It turns out she's worked with a bunch of gay and lesbian teens before. Never one questioning about gender however. But it was really cool to talk to her about it. She said we could talk about it as much or as little as I wanted. It was also neat to hear someone besdies me using the words gay and transsexual out loud (I talk to myself outloud about this stuff all the time when I'm alone).
Zipping to another topic. My friend Julia is really really angry at me-but I don't really understand what about-more on that tommorow if I can figure it out.

It snowed a lot today. I managed to take a break from my feverish cramming for exams to go outside and throw snowballs at the stopsign and my dog, who was trying to get them. After I went in, it started snowing really hard. I went outside in my socks and looked at the sky. Looking at snow falling is one of the coolest things in winter. I was thinking it must be like the like watching dust stream through the sky (Amber Spyglass-Phillup Pullman for anyone whose read it). The sky and the snowfalkes are near the same color, but not quite. Enough to give you the tremendous sense of motion. The end of that cool moment was that my feet froze and I went inside.
I had a really weird dream last night about talking to my therapist-it obviously something in the forefront of my mind right now. Well-onto Ecce Romani chapter 38!
finam recandi fecit,
Kyle

oy. my mom is home for christmas, and then permanently. That should be interesting. When I'm with her, I feel like I'm about three. When we're in the car, she will say something like, "look at the cows girls!" (my sister was there too) I want to reply, "are you going to ask what noise the cow makes?". With my Dad it is the opposite. I always feel like a responsible adult around him-in a bad way. He holds me accountable for things that I don't feel responsible enough about or don't want to know about.
We got our Christmas tree today. It was fun. While decorating the tree, however, I managed to almost knock down the tree and break three ornaments. If I hadn't caught the tree, this year would be "the Christmas Kyle knocked the tree down". Exams are monday. I've been studying all day, except for getting the Christmas tree and decorating it-AAARG. I hate exams.
General question: Anyone know any really good GLTBQ literature? I've read some teen stuff, but the only good teen book I found was Annie on My Mind (in my opinion).
I"m actually looking forward to talking to my therapist about my questioning on /Wednesday. It should be nice to talk to someone face-to-face about what I have been bouncing around in my mind for now-about 2 years. Not so long, but long enough for me.
*random shift of topic* We have a school dance on fri. I'm debating about going or not. It might be fun, but I always feel awkward at dances, and end up feeling out of place and miserable.
time for me to sleep-and then wake up and study for exams again!

Autumn fire is the work of dragging leaves, as big as your bright red cheeks, into a mountain
I’m grimly working to bring the biggest pile to life
my black hole
my unhappy childish pursuits-to build a fortress of leaves and disappear inside, and then emerge on the other side of the universe
a reverse me
unconfused, knowing who I am on the other side of the planets
then I will bring me home-sing me home with the stars and hissing rain, back to my fall day to lay down the burden of building an escape
and instead let the mirror-image traveler
explode unrestrained