Wow, sunday was weird. Meta had a thing and her "brother" and she and I went to dinner. After dinner she asked if I would kill her if she kissed me and I told her that she could if I could kiss her "brother". So, I kissed two different genders and it was awesome.
dear mother, i'm dead
maybe you didn't realize it
my thoughts have fled my head
you may think i'm a coward
and have wasted my sweet life
all i care about is the dripping iv line
my rights are being violated
keeping me alive
if life had been my wish i wouldn't waste my time
who are all the voices
screaming in my head
the one who shouts the loudest is
standing beside my bed
I shouldn't have told any of them. I thought I could trust them, but I can't trust anyone anymore. Meta's decided that she needs to save me. She says she loves me too much to let me drink or die or run away but if I don't quit drinking she's gonna have to face two of her fears. Either I'm gonna kill myself or run away. I accidentally told Catie too. But I think she'll be okay to keep it a secret for a while until I can sort it out.
Being 13 hasn't been a good year for me. Course, I've got a girlfriend and all but Mets and my friend tried to kill herself before the spring concert (which wasn't on my birthday for once) and I told Meta because I didn't think she would freak so much. Anyway, Meta freaked and so she put me on high alert and we call her every couple of hours just to make sure she's doing okay.
Tonight's a full moon. The friend who tried to kill herself is also the werewolf I mentioned and so she might do something stupid, like get seen or eat somebody.
Some of you probably know Meta, I'm friends with her. You also probably know that I have (had) a "crush" on J. Guess what. That's gone now. Guess what else. I just agreed to go out with Meta tomorrow since we get out early from school and miss lunch. I'm really freaking out. I'm nervous and excited and can't stop thinking about it. I didn't ever imagine going out with her but I'm realizing that I really LIKE her.
The thing with JJ won't happen. She only likes me as a friend and invited C and G over to her house Friday afterschool. Oh well, at least I asked. I'm so confused, I figured out a descriptive label for myself just for the sake of reference. Bi-gendered instead of bisexual because often I've been feeling like a guy. I guess its sorta like transsexuality but I also feel like a girl. I've never heard of anything like this and so, the unknown confuses me.
I think its worse being "out" to my mom than still being "in the closet" since i have to face the comments I get when I mention it. For example, one time when I mentioned one of my friends telling me that she already knew before I told her and mom said that I sounded too proud of being gay, that I'm like any other person in the world and that I must be bi because I've liked boys before. I think its better being around my dad because he just doesn't mention it but my mom likes to discuss my "bi-ness".
I came out to my mom this morning as queer. Mum and Dad have known about me since I was 7. I feel a lot more comfortable now and on Saturday I'm going to Hot Topic for a rainbow patch.
Road Not Taken
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
The number 22 may possibly be my new favorite number. Even though I'm not a big fan of even numbers.
Sorry Meta for this: Mum decided that I can't finish the current jr. high. I'm moving (again!) at the end of this year at school. In Davis I've had 1 year at each school I was forced to attend and Mum has had 4 brilliant years at the same job with the same hours. Now Mum is moving us again and promises me that we're going to stay there for all of high school. Yeah right. Considering the past, I figure we'll be there for a year or to then pack up and move again.
Today was bad. I talked to JT last night about JJ and he told me that I've got to find out how she feels about me and if she's still going out with the HS girl. So on tuesday I had asked JJ if she wanted to go over to my house today (thursday). She said that she had no clue and would email me after checking her calender that night. She never emailed me that night and when I checked this morning there was still nothing.
I am queer (not necessarily straight but not necessarily bi or gay) but I love ballet so much. If I wasn't totally stage frightened and if ballerinas made more money and had rights I would go to ballet school and try to got pro. The thing is, mostly primer danseurs are gay (plenty aren't but ballet is mostly feminine) but you never hear about lesbian prima ballerinas or even corps de ballet. Does anybody know of any? And plus, ballet is so pink.
i hate christmas. ever since my parents divorced my mom has been on a major guilt trip and so i have to suffer through christmases and birthdays of STACKS of presents. and my dad's totally fine. his gifts are all within a good number level but mum cant figure a good (small) number. i've decided that next year i'll send out a memo telling my parents that i don't want more than 5 presents each.
I really miss Ukiah right now.
This really has nothing to do with anything but I wanted to say something about it. Ao anyway, has anybody noticed that Christmas is taking over. I know that Christians kind of rule the US but why do the commercial people have to make a big deal about religion. Isn't there separation of church and state? Doesn't that mean anything to the world? I have more to say but I'll probably stop making sens