baby please I'm sorry
it's hard on you, I know
'cause even while I'm with you
I'm learning to let go

even as I lie beside you,
head upon your chest,
your suspicions rise at my lies
though you pretend to rest

lover dear, please tell me
have I ever done you wrong?
a photo of a memory
that should be dead and gone

she still sometimes haunts me
even though I'm yours
and while your lips caress me
I'm looking for the door

lover dear, I'm sorry
this feeling just won't go
please, my dear, bear with me
'til I learn how to let go.

Dear Courtney,

I've been mad for years that you used me. But oh god, I've used you too. I lived vicariously through you, every waking moment. Every drama, teardrop and smile you had in your eyes and on your lips- I wished it was mine. I needed you to prove that life was better, was real. Maybe talking to Jenny was a way to live a piece of it I don't know (and I don't really care about that at this point, either). I used you, sure as you used me. Were we just both users, me your weed and you my meth? Does it make it any better? Or worse? I loved you, very much, and I know a part of you loved me. But that's the thing, the difference- I was your sedative, grounding and calming you. You were my high, every phone call a hit. Tell me, Comrade, are we really so different? Two halves of the yin-yang- you the light, the calm, thoughtful and peaceful, and I the dark- intense, devinly insane as I let every hit and bit of affection you ever showed consume me.

I don't know if "miss" is the right word. We are. And we'll be.

Love,
Jocelyn

I wrote this after an ex-boyfriend read some of my poetry on-line (not on here, on Nex) and got extraordinarily huffy, thinking it was about him.

misplaced muses
singing sweetly
lakeside
placid
eyes as dull as summer lilies

Narcissius, where be your form?
weeping forever over imagined beauty.

sweet summer breeze; the muses sing
still placid
yearning
but never knowing
what they are.

Heather invited her mother over for dinner. During the meal, her mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Heather's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Heather's sexuality and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two women interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Heather and the roommate than met the eye. Reading her mom's thoughts, Heather volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Suzy and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Suzy came to Heather and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Heather said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So she sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, Heather received a letter from her mother which read:
"Dear Daughter, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Suzy, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Suzy. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now."

Love, Mom

"Hmm, I didn't even know you were a lesbian, no one ever told me."
- said by my cousin Stephen in the cafeteria at the U of A hospital

Ok, for starters, the guys in my (mom's side of the) family don't gossip much. But seriously, who cares? He doesn't, and that's cool. I ABHOR making a fuss about it. I don't "look gay" and I'm perfectly goddamn fine with not yelling it to the damn world. I mean, yay, I date girls, it's not something to make a fuss about. Gay pride? Gay indifference.

I'm not ashamed, I'm happy with being gay. But being flamboyant? Not my style. Cause really, who honestly cares? Be happy I'm dating a good person, not avidly excited to discuss what it's "like to, you know, date other chicks." That just ain't my scene, people.

I hate how everytime I look at you
you start to cry before me
why can't you just be strong enough
to hold your tears without me?
I don't mind, I care for you
and am more than willing
to ease your pain
but when I cry
and want to die
I shouldn't have to trade your pain for mine.

"Drinking Only Whiskey"

I didn't take him from you
he came to me
such sweet seduction
came to me

I caved.
I craved.

His words, so sweetly soft with mine
I refuse regret
I've done no more wrong than he
less, perhaps,
'cause I was never a gambler
strictly whiskey
no cards allowed

I called off the cards
spilled beer strewn about the table
to be cleaned and forgotton;
whiskey faintly rotting:
the stench we couldn't cover

So now I sit
and drink alone
cheap dye stains the table

a soggy blackjack
in a puddle of wine

drinking only whiskey.

you thought you wanted me in the morning
you were wrong it seems
'cause while I rest
upon your chest
She still flits through your dreams

as the sunrise
burns your eyes
tell me what you see:
a lying ho,
a need to grow,
or a need that just can't be?

jesus h christ I moved out of my folks place to fucking quit being a maid. I just took the garbage out, there were three bags of it on the floor- and she fucking wonders why there's fruit flies everywhere! I think I've seen her do one, maybe two loads of dishes since I've been here. I'm no neat freak, but christ almighty I don't leave tied garbage bags around- It's only twenty steps to the alley.

don't get me wrong, she's great otherwise, and she works two jobs, so i know she's busy. but fucking hell! can't she at least scrape her plate into the garbage? fuck, i ended up throwing out fucking rancid Chinese food. and she bloody well knows I'll clean too. fuck. my room's messy, but not filthy. filthy is why there's so many fruit flies in the kitchen, why it takes me hours to do dishes. fucking christ, i don't want the house spotless but can't she handle basic tidying? hell, I just emptied the garbage CAN, and that's been full since i got here almost a month ago! fucking lazy broad.

are you going crazy
thinking through the time
we gave in
gave up
lost ourselves in rhyme

can't quit thinking about the years
[she almost took your place]
but through my tears
and all my fears
I feel your disgrace

why can't we just face the facts
we're never, never going back
and while my heart beats soddenly
these swirling thoughts just come to me

can't turn back time
can't fight the flame
can't fight ashes
of our remains

can't deny the pleasure
the memories we shared
but though we're through
my thoughts for you
leave me
unprepared

and now when I sleep
I drink my tea
I think of how it came to be
the times we kissed, the moments of life
the ease of youth, the cry for strife
I can't say good-bye
I can't say no
cause every day it grows and grows
why can't you see
me standing here
and through my face
of shared disgrace
wipe away my tears?

I miss you, miss us
miss our lives enriched with trust
i mis our joy
I miss our pain
what I wouldn't give to have you back again

but we cant...turn back time
or untie knots that we burned
so why must I
though all this time
be the one who hurts?

I tried drinking you away tonight
gave up the whiskey
to another,
and let them deal with the goddamn burn.

This is a rant. Be warned all, and for those who know me take nothing personally.

Sean, if i'd had my bag at the Roost that night, I would've grabbed the midnight greyhound outta e-town. And I didn't bother when we got back to yoru place cause i fell asleep before I could think of a way to get to the station that didn't mean an hour-long wait for a cab and/or a huge fight that I didn't have the damn energy for. I knew it was over weeks before you called me, babe. Points for trying to be honest though. Why do I say trying? "I need time for myself." "I'm getting married in August." Good for you, best of luck, but don't lie to me. I knew you'd met someone that night.

Kristina, get over me. it's only annoying that you're still so utterly hopeful that we'll eventually have a chance again when I never did fall in love with you and we broke up 7 MONTHS ago.

Gin...well, no real bitterness here, cause I'm indifferent. Happy trails, kid.

Courtney....lots here. 1) if you had ever been my best friend you would've realized how damn much it bothered me that every single year you forgot my birthday. 2) Hope you learn how to respect people. 3) Give Sara my best. She seems like a great girl. She respected me more than you EVER did. 4) "Thanks for being such a good friend to Courtney." After she told me that, I cried for hours, realizing you'd never really been one to me. We had our moments, some beautiful, some acrid, some painfully singed....but many, many moments. Good luck, kiddo.

when they burn devils you'll be the first
to soothe our aches and quench our thirst
blood flowing freely from your spine
your life and soul shall soon be mine
no more slights and quips and tricks
feel my wrath and pain times Six
for those you hurt and those you bleed
will to your cries pay no heed.

he may bat those pretty blue eyes
or sing sweet notes of love to you
he may even kiss your lips
while ever staying pure and true

he's got a job and money to burn
style, charm, and all that jazz
he may seem just utterly perfect
but trust me dear, this dream shall pass

you'll start to notice everytime
his eyes'll look past your heart so true
('cause he's checking out your brothers ass)
sorry baby, he ain't into you

I guess it hurts, it'd hurt me too,
to endure this awful drag
face it sweetie, your perfect man
is actually the perfect fag

just kiss me and get it over with
you've wanted it so long, why stop now? kiss
me, just kiss me now
see what you've waited for
and what I've
never
needed. Kiss
me
like you used
to.
used to crave
me
and
only me.
kisses; sweet steel kisses
cold cold cruel
surrounding us
kiss me like you used to
used me
just to get it over with.