Scene- lights off its after midnight and I am laying on the couch wondering what
the fuck is going on. Because I don't remember how I got home or how the lights got out or how I ended
up on my couch the last thing I remember is being at work talking to one of the girls in
the back and washing dishes. Which is all fine and good and everything but I'd really like
to know how in the hell I got home. T doesn't remember how she got home either and we are
pretty sure I drove both of us home. I don't remember it thought
I also found out that I write more poerty when I am bored than I do at any other
time. Meaning in my music class when I am bored as hell I write more than I do
if say I was sitting at home doing homework. Because I have to forcus and I need to be able to
know how I got from one point to the other because I have a quiz in law that she
let us take home because one of the girls in the class suggest we take it home and to
me that was not the smartest idea because I would rather do it in class than take it home and get
most of it wrong because the book doesn't give the answer like you think it
would it shots around the answer. But I am off to help with some more
problems we are having on this RPG game. I wish we could have it done already with
players because it is making me crazy. Everytime a problem comes up I have to fix it

O.K. so I am training this new guy at my work. I played
asstiant manager. He has been working since Friday
and told one of the girls that he might like me.
Even thought me and T (are residental gay girl) have been
hanging out a lot and she said she was so glad I
came to work together. She was my cooridanter and
then I was manager and then I had two guys working
the wrapper position and and prep in the back
when I got one of the other girls on my staff list
to come in and then that when she came up and said when we got
a break B (the girl I got to come in) wanted me
to go out side with her and smoke. She was smoking
and I was watching. She said that J( my prep guy)
said he might like me like-like me and I was like
wtf? what is like-like is that something I am suppose to know
you either like a person as in friend or something more
and he knows I like girls almost everyone at work
knows I do the only one who doesnt is T and she said
she didn't care about anyone's sexuality because
even hers was questionable on some days. So no has really
said much about who I like and who I don't like and she
hasn't been listen. I like her but I don't know if
we could get along well to date we tease and maybe
thats to much. We flirt sometimes but we don't cross
that line.

Reason
THere is a reason I didn't call you back
there is a reason I didn't look at you
There is a reason I don't talk to you
there is a reason I don't care any more
When you slammed that door in my face I stopped
careing and I stopped talking
I don't want to hear you excuse and I don't want
to hear your "i'm sorry." I am done and thought
and you found out my reason and if you don't know why
are you still standing here just go get out and
leave me alone. Cause standing on you pouch looking
at your door I whispered my last goodbye it doesn't
matter it was a misunderstanding and it doesn't matter
that you want another chance cause I have given
and given you chance after chance till I am tired
of giving and I want something in return. Can't
you see I don't want to be the reason you said you
wasted you life on me. See I gave three years of my
life to and if you wasted your three years what did
I do with mine?

Mom-
You said so many times when I was little you would
love me and yet you where no where to be found.
You see you had taken on so many jobs and left me
to raise myself and my siblings. You always said
I was the good girl who would never do anything wrong
so when I say I LOVE someone its wrong. Yet I love
her. I have for years she was someone who was always
around. Remember that time I ran away only you found me
at the neibors house. Someone who was watching me and
who had called you that morning and asked if it was
o.k. for me to come over and you said sure. I was
so mad crying and screaming as you picked me up
and carried me away and then five days later we
moved to the desert. Sand everywhere in my hair
my eyes even in my mouth. I hated it so much. You
where so centered on my little sister because you
assumed at ten I was old enough to care for myself
and didn't even want to try and help. Never mind
if I had homework it was figure it out on your own
I was so sad because we where in a new place and I
was so isolated. The only one who reached out was
Danny and I know you remember him. Someone who
was always there and you had dreams of are marriage
I am sure but then one night climbing into the window
of my bedroom you finally found out and you tryed
to cut off all my connections to the world. I was
so young and so confused and I still am. I don't
understand how you could be so cold and so uncaring
you never understood me. My need for more my need
for love my need to get it all off my crest and yet
it would have helped to have you on my side instead
of fighting against me. You never understood why
I love who I love you didn't understand how i wanted
to go to college the first time cause dad wanted
me to and the second time because I needed people
who understood me and why I refuse to be who you
want me too. I am you daughter not you puppet like it
or hate it I don't care.

Dear who ever cares to look at this
So I realized just yesterday when I look in the mirror
I see your laughing face the person I hate the
person I've became and I can't turn away for years
ypu trained me taught me who to love and hate taught what
was right and wrong then tossed me to the world below
who quickly got a laugh out of me. They found me odd
they found me funny they found me different and way ahead of my time
they told me to stop writing to stop trying to change the
world that I was nothing but a girl and I would never get what I wanted
Then century later you taught me again and then
again I am tossed to the world this time its different
I am a girl but I am also gay. Which means again
I am told stop trying to change the world
stop trying to change peoples thought stop trying
to be who I am stop trying to be at all. SO when
I cut myself I bleed and I feel better because of
it and when I fought with you for the first time
ever and you bleed I felt better and When I cry at
night wishing I wasn't you I feel worse then I
ever had and when I am alone at night because no
one wants to be near me then I know that its because
of that you made me on this earth to try and talk
some sense into people like my parents, my siblings,
my realtives, my friends, my neribors, and my general
life To make it seem like I have something when
I have nothing but a huge hole in my heart and when
she softly wispers the words "Peoples veiws are change
and people are realizing not everyone is a clone."
I feel hope but its false cause this veiw of me
is always stuck and everyone thinks I am who I am
not and when you see this girl in the eyes of your
mind the one you think you know so well just
remember when I back pedal I'll be smacking you in
the face and I want to see your shocked expession
when you realize I have strengh.

I feel like one mintue my emotions are being played
with and the next they are just what they use to be
and couple that with whats been going on and its
no wonder I am having panic attacks. I am also still
doing research on this RPG game I am helping with and
it seems like I am running out of time to do stuff
because I know what I would like to have done.
Today I talk to the girl I worked with. She is
really cool and she is not labeling herself just saying
she likes who she likes. Which confuses me because
one mintue she'll flirt with me and the next she
is talking about this girl who friend knows that
she wants to hook up with and I am so confused that
I just want to get away from her for a little and
see if I can think about myself and get everything
fixed. I have stopped cutting. BUT Thats the only
thing I have stopped I have taken up other bad habits
and that is not a good thing. I am just taking it
day by day and trying to decide what is best for me

So I just off the phone with my brother in law.
I just got finished eating and I just got off of
work and in all that time I have drove myself
crazy because I need to get work done and at least
go get some sleep before I have to wake up in the
morning and do it all again. It sucks because I have
so much home work this weekend and I don't have time
to study or time to write my home work. Plus
I have a 10 page paper due on the "wonderful" FCC
and how they work. And the tour I took of my historic site and
I am helping a friend on mine with her RPG Game
she is setting up and trying to get people I know
in my life and by my email address to join her
website and game because she wants people
to join her game and I just want to sleep and eat
because the chance that I get to do either is very
rare. I strave myself most days and don't get much
to drink but maybe a slushy every know and then
and maybe some water and the tickets I have to get
food only go to waste because it takes so long before
I get to eat. I hate this job and sometimes I hate
my life. Because right know I am so numb
that only tears get past me and I am not sure that
right know I am stable.
OH and the girl I wrote about a few jounals back
she is lesbian or at least bi because she was
taking about how she had a date with a girl tonight
and she was hoping it was a good date because her
friends set her up on a blind date and she said she
was worried about it and I was like wow she does
like girls still that means nothing because that
doesn't mean she likes someone like me. She's open
about liking girls thought she made sure everyone
in that store knew she didn't care if they don't like
her because of it. I like that she is like that
because no one should have to hide anything about
themselves love who you are and embrace it and
theN We all move on in are lives.

I decided to finally go ahead and look into the box I
brought from the storage thing months ago it seems like
it seems like I wanted to get another one because
the house (apartment) isn't big enought to hold
all this clutter. Its poem and journal entrys
some are good some could use some work with
me begin older and know what I want to say know.
Like I have one here that I want to work on then
post here its called my world in 3-d I'll post the
orginal and then the n ew version. Simple to get them
some where and see if anyone likes them.
I am so sleeply and I am not feeling good again.
And I am tired of work and if I could stay home and
get money I'd love it. Really since if I could
get the money or more than what I am begin paid.
It would really be nice. I set up some stuff for
my GSA to do at there school and some volunteer
work that we said we would do. We have a stuff we
said we would do and as bad as I feel I have to go help
those kids set up for a silent bidding tonight.We
are having a sale tonight for a dinner and then
the silent bidding we have some interesting objects
but Danny's here to take me there and help so I need
to go

I find that maybe I can't and this thought leaves me
numb. I don't feel much of anything these days and
I am walking around feeling like shit because of
it. The only place I even see emotions are in my singing
when I am being the only person I know how to be
and then even in that moment I feel lost
I don't even feel like I need to be around anymore
and then I relize what I am thinking and want to smake
myself and I relize that I am not sure of myself
or of the people around me and the people I use
to trust I shy away from know before I end up with
my broke heart in my hands and back in line waiting
to have it done again. And so in the last five days
I haven't had school or work and I haven't left the
house and today is my first day out and I don't
want to be here there is nothing to make me stop
what I am doing to myself no magic, no hope no wand
to wave over it and make it go away. Its just
been so long since I have felt human that I am not sure
I can.

I am broke no money in my pocket or anywhere else
and my car won't work, and I may or may not go back
to school next year and if I do the car won't get
fixed but if I fix the car no way I will go back
to school and I am to something to take a loan out
because I don't want to be like my parents in debt and
trying to fight a way out of it and still being
rich enought to take a vaction every know and then
I haven't had one in a while and what happen to those
days when we would drive to Lake Erie and lay on the hood of the car and
just watch and wish we had the world at are feet
and then relizing we do and it isn't all its
cracked up to be. I also am so mad that I am crying
again because it seems all of my dreams are just
not going where I want them to I sing myself to
sleep each night till I am hoarse and wake up the
next morning still sleeply, and I hate my friends
most of the time and I feel like I am watching
a train wreak and I have no way to stop it and
I am so helpless and part of my is wondering what
it would feel like to die and screw talking to anyone
because all they want is answer to their problems
and I don't have the fucking answers anymore because
if I did if I had a magic wand I would have used
it so much by know there would be no magic left
for anyone else fucking problems. I have my own and
my own are taking more time to fix while causeing
me pain that will take years to heal. Because I
don't have anyone around me who wants to listen
and yet I want to lay on the floor and never ever
move every again. This is me and I don't want anyone
to see so I act like in class at work at the club
I've been dragged out that I am happy and I want
to be there if only they knew how much I hated it
the fakeness the angry the darkness the way I
hate myself and everyone in my past and even my
friends on any given day I just want to fade away
whats so wrong with that?

I am writing when I have time this is the only
time I have between work and school that is o.k.
for me to write. I don't have anyone looking over
my shoulder or breathing down my neck and my poor
labtop must feel left out because I haven't used it
since Saterday night. I have a paper due next friday
in my boring music class. I had a test in Law I
didn't have time to study and I feel like shit. I
had a test in French I had very little time to study
for and having two full time jobs and two part time
jobs is a pain in the ass. Jess called me yesterday
and asked if I had a credit card and here in a few
mintues I am going to call her back and ask if
she found someone who did I have the band, my sub job,
my GSA consuler, and my mentoring project and its
all taking its toll on me because I feel like I have
to much going and not enough time to finish everything.
Well I have to go I need to call Jess and see
what time I am needed to babysit.

I am not sure about anything right know and I
guess I think it might be for the better that I
don't know what going on around me. I know Jess
still maybe trying to set me up with someone and
I guess I am happy with that but not and I don't
know why anyone even wants to date me but I am have a
short entry today and I am not sure I am making
sense.