Know this is my last journal entry. I quit my job today
and I am know just trying to finish school and then
working on clubs here in the area and soon we are
going to start traveling. I guess heading back to Ohio
isn't a bad thing and I am going to get a chance to
finish my dream and I hope with everything in me
that I finally get my happyness.

This could be my last jounral entry I think maybe
I need to take a year and just be without the computer
maybe without my cell phone and just try to find
myself. Just travel and do what I am good at.Instead
of going back to school I am going to go on tour with
my band. This is what I have wanted for a long long time
and I think I am ready to do that. I may keep posting
till I finish this year of school. I have the funeral tonight and

My uncle died last night when I was out partying with
T and then I got news this morning a friend from high
school died and then I am afraid its going to be
a triple funeral because I have to go home and I
am not sure I am going to be o.k. because I may kill someone
or myself to get away from the crazy people. I am
so sick and tried of being called home again and again
and I am tried of being called back because of death.

Scene- lights off its after midnight and I am laying on the couch wondering what
the fuck is going on. Because I don't remember how I got home or how the lights got out or how I ended
up on my couch the last thing I remember is being at work talking to one of the girls in
the back and washing dishes. Which is all fine and good and everything but I'd really like
to know how in the hell I got home. T doesn't remember how she got home either and we are

O.K. so I am training this new guy at my work. I played
asstiant manager. He has been working since Friday
and told one of the girls that he might like me.
Even thought me and T (are residental gay girl) have been
hanging out a lot and she said she was so glad I
came to work together. She was my cooridanter and
then I was manager and then I had two guys working
the wrapper position and and prep in the back

Reason
THere is a reason I didn't call you back
there is a reason I didn't look at you
There is a reason I don't talk to you
there is a reason I don't care any more
When you slammed that door in my face I stopped
careing and I stopped talking
I don't want to hear you excuse and I don't want
to hear your "i'm sorry." I am done and thought
and you found out my reason and if you don't know why

Mom-
You said so many times when I was little you would
love me and yet you where no where to be found.
You see you had taken on so many jobs and left me
to raise myself and my siblings. You always said
I was the good girl who would never do anything wrong
so when I say I LOVE someone its wrong. Yet I love
her. I have for years she was someone who was always
around. Remember that time I ran away only you found me

Dear who ever cares to look at this
So I realized just yesterday when I look in the mirror
I see your laughing face the person I hate the
person I've became and I can't turn away for years
ypu trained me taught me who to love and hate taught what
was right and wrong then tossed me to the world below
who quickly got a laugh out of me. They found me odd
they found me funny they found me different and way ahead of my time

I feel like one mintue my emotions are being played
with and the next they are just what they use to be
and couple that with whats been going on and its
no wonder I am having panic attacks. I am also still
doing research on this RPG game I am helping with and
it seems like I am running out of time to do stuff
because I know what I would like to have done.
Today I talk to the girl I worked with. She is

So I just off the phone with my brother in law.
I just got finished eating and I just got off of
work and in all that time I have drove myself
crazy because I need to get work done and at least
go get some sleep before I have to wake up in the
morning and do it all again. It sucks because I have
so much home work this weekend and I don't have time
to study or time to write my home work. Plus

I decided to finally go ahead and look into the box I
brought from the storage thing months ago it seems like
it seems like I wanted to get another one because
the house (apartment) isn't big enought to hold
all this clutter. Its poem and journal entrys
some are good some could use some work with
me begin older and know what I want to say know.
Like I have one here that I want to work on then

I find that maybe I can't and this thought leaves me
numb. I don't feel much of anything these days and
I am walking around feeling like shit because of
it. The only place I even see emotions are in my singing
when I am being the only person I know how to be
and then even in that moment I feel lost
I don't even feel like I need to be around anymore
and then I relize what I am thinking and want to smake

I am broke no money in my pocket or anywhere else
and my car won't work, and I may or may not go back
to school next year and if I do the car won't get
fixed but if I fix the car no way I will go back
to school and I am to something to take a loan out
because I don't want to be like my parents in debt and
trying to fight a way out of it and still being
rich enought to take a vaction every know and then

I am writing when I have time this is the only
time I have between work and school that is o.k.
for me to write. I don't have anyone looking over
my shoulder or breathing down my neck and my poor
labtop must feel left out because I haven't used it
since Saterday night. I have a paper due next friday
in my boring music class. I had a test in Law I
didn't have time to study and I feel like shit. I

I am not sure about anything right know and I
guess I think it might be for the better that I
don't know what going on around me. I know Jess
still maybe trying to set me up with someone and
I guess I am happy with that but not and I don't
know why anyone even wants to date me but I am have a
short entry today and I am not sure I am making
sense.